Thanks, MarvinF. I agree, he doesn't "seem" to be in a position to help me out, but again, I have no idea what his new salary is.
He is the one who drafted the separation agreement in the first place in November 2016. He had been paying me monthly for two months prior to that and as soon as he had his lawyer draft the official agreement, which H signed (after paying his lawyer several thousand dollars to draft it), he stopped paying me.
Then over the first half of 2017, he kept swearing he intended to pay me and would never not pay me, but he kept avoiding me in all kinds of crazy ways to keep me from being able to get a document that was signed and initialed properly to be filed with the court in my new state.
And when I texted him the exact date I'd be filing for D in my new state, he didn't even respond.
Then I got diagnosed with cancer, had to move to my home state and couldn't afford to have everything redone to yet another state's laws.
I guess he heard that I have cancer and saw it as a way for him to buy time and get out of doing anything.
I just don't understand the way he has stopped talking to me completely. And then finding out he actually has a new phone number was like another bomb drop. It really stung.
I know he has a lot of debt that he isn't paying. And when he first moved, he took a huge pay cut from what he was making when we were together. And he moved to a state where salaries are a lot lower than where we lived when we were married. I all along, even though he kept telling me he'll pay me X per month and at one point even said he could file in his new state and he wouldn't have to pay me nothing because of the laws there, "But I would never do that to you," I have thought he's said it but kept avoiding paying me and actually moving things forward because he's too embarrassed to admit he can't afford to. But I'm also thinking that even if he could afford to pay me something, he doesn't want to be any worse off financially and he just doesn't want to pay anything at all and so he decided to just vanish.
I guess my feeling is that he's living his new life and not having to part with a dime so it's so much easier for him to erase me, settle into his new life without consequences and never look back.
I also wonder what his end game is. Does he think he'll just vanish and after a long period of time come back and say, "Well, X amount of time has passed, you have survived without my help and we have two completely separate lives so let's get this divorce final" and then he never loses anything due to his decision to abandon me.
Or he is is such fog, denial and confused thinking he is simply "avoiding" whatever he finds "too hard" and doesn't even have a game plan? Not that it makes it in any way less painful, hurtful and wrong.
It is truly amazing what happens to people. I have no idea about these things, but can't you get a lien against his salary or something to enforce obligations?
I have no idea about these things, but can't you get a lien against his salary or something to enforce obligations?
Not without a lawyer's help. I spent all I have. I'm not working currently because of the cancer. I live with a relative and can't afford to do anything.
I've searched over and over for legal aid and no one will help me unless there is domestic violence involved.
Sometimes I feel like there must be something wrong with me for hoping to ever rebuild a relationship with H.
I would divorce him if I could afford it, but only to try to get some financial support and to ensure I get the retirement fund I'm legally entitled to.
But why do I even hope to ever see him again, let alone reconcile? What kind of person am I that I would hope to get to rebuild a marriage with a man who didn't give me his new phone number while I am in treatment for cancer?
You are human and we all have traveled the road you are on. We all came here with high hopes of reconciling with our MIA spouses, but many of us ended up divorcing them or they divorced us. There is absolutely nothing wrong in having hope.
What kind of person are you? You are a kind and compassionate person who wants to honor her marriage vows.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your post is a heart breaking one.
I do not believe in mlc. Some walk aways are addicts. I think a lot of them are just fair weather friends. It takes bad weather for the LBS to discover it.
He is looking out for himself. He does not want to give you money. He has discarded you. This is entirely about who he is. Not you. He is a selfish, selfish, selfish man incapable of real love. There is nothing else to analyze. I think you are projecting how you would behave and act if the tables were turned. I think we try to come up with explanations (mlc, depression) because we cannot fathom such cruelty amd selfishness and the ability to discard because we are not like that.
Usually, we just fell for a con artist. I was a cover for a high functioning addict and nothing more. Some spouses were uswd for money. I am aqauintances with a narcissitic walkaway wife who admitted to me that she went for her ex because she was getting old and wanted to have a baby. When his business went undwr she left.
Its like trying to understand how a serial killer can kill so ruthlessly. Its in their nature. They are self serving.
I do wish there was some way to obtain justice for you though. Keep reaching out. Dont give up. Can churches help? Going public? Collecting a legal fund? I can only imagine how tired you must be.
There is nothing wrong with you, besides being a good person, loving and caring, and believing in others to be the same. Right now you need to protect yourself, put away hopes, wishes, love and focus on yourself. YOUR well being, YOUR needs, YOUR financial protection. Pretend the person you knew is dead, at least for now. Grieve and take care of yourself.
If you don't mind I am still not sure about the situation. Assuming you had funds for a lawyer what would that get you in the short and long term financially that makes the legal expenses worthwhile? And do you have any idea of what kind of fees would be needed to get you there?
JuJuB, I appreciate your reply and your insight very much, but I do want to say that I don't believe I fell for a con artist.
The person you describe, the selfish, self-serving man who is out for himself...YES, that is definitely who my H is right now.
But he was not that person for the 16 years we were together. He was not a high functioning addict or a narcissist. What he's doing now is not in his nature. It's in fact contrary to everything he used to be.
That is where I'm torn. If I thought for a second that I was with a narcissist incapable of love for 16 years and he discarded me due to his true narcissistic nature, I would have slammed the door shut as soon as possible after BD.
In fact, if he was this kind of person at any time during our 16 years, I would have ended our relationship in the past.
But this person he is now has gotten progressively worse since BD and it's not even close to who he was for 16 years. We had rough times over our life together and he never bailed and always showed he was in it for the long haul. This has all been completely out of character for him.
That said, I agree that he IS selfish and only cares about himself now. And I have no way of knowing if he will be this way now for the rest of his life.
Originally Posted By: MarvinF
If you don't mind I am still not sure about the situation. Assuming you had funds for a lawyer what would that get you in the short and long term financially that makes the legal expenses worthwhile? And do you have any idea of what kind of fees would be needed to get you there?
MarvinF, if I had funds for a lawyer, I would at least get him to sign over the retirement fund, and I could get help in trying to get him to honor the separation agreement (the one HIS lawyer drafted). He signed it over a year ago, but it hasn't been enforced because I moved to another state, had it amended to the laws of that state, then got cancer and moved back to my home state and now don't have money to have it amended again.
Since December 2015, I have spent $6,000 on lawyers. It took him from Dec 2015 to June 2016 to get me his one page financial disclosure form.
Then he spent the entire summer of 2016 making excuses for why he and his lawyer kept playing "phone tag."
He started paying me out of the blue in September 2016, but only paid me in Sept and October.
In November 2016 I told him I was moving to another state. He had his lawyer draft paperwork. His lawyer mailed it to him, he signed it and then held onto it for 3 weeks and finally sent it to me 3 days before I moved and demanded that I sign it immediately and return it to his lawyer before I left the state (which would have entailed me driving an hour and a half to his lawyer's office, because if I had mailed it, it wouldn't have arrived before I moved).
It was 42 pages long (which is ridiculous, since we have no children and no assets) and there was no way I would sign it without having a lawyer review it. So it was virtually impossible to have it signed and filed in this state before I moved (and if H had been honest with his lawyer, his lawyer would have told him that. He never even told his lawyer I was moving).
So H paid $3000 to a lawyer to draft a document that there was no way could be filed given the circumstances.
When I got to my new state, I took the agreement to a lawyer and paid to have it amended to reflect my new state's laws. I signed it and had it notarized and told H I would file for the D when I met the state's requirement for residency (I had to be living there for 6 months before I could file).
Even if I had filed in that state, I had already used up all my available funds so if H played games and stalled the process, I would have run into trouble. But at least I would have had the signed document filed with the court.
I gave him the exact date I would be filing. He didn't say a word in reply.
Then I got diagnosed with advanced cancer literally 3 days before I could have filed for D. I didn't have health insurance in my new state so I had to pack up my whole life again and move home.
Now I'm flat broke, have cancer and am only working sometimes doing freelance work. So I can't afford to do anything more.
In April of last year, H said in a text message that he had consulted a lawyer and learned that he could file for D in the state he lives in and he wouldn't have to pay me anything because of his salary. He wrote, "But I'm not about to do that to you."
Which of course is the messed up part, because he IS doing that to me by not paying me anything. He just hasn't filed for the D.
Last edited by job; 03/07/1803:35 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
Thanks for explaining. From the outside it sounds like more legal action won't necessarily get results, you have already spent a bit of money and it doesn't seem to be helping?
Has he stated what he wants? Not that his thinking is clear or that you should care, its more about how can you get what you need with the least damage or effort for you.
