I suggest you don't tell her what your feelings are saying. When you are separated, boundaries are limited. Now, if she is blasting you by throwing blame at your feet for the issues in the M, or she is screaming and using foul language......then you can tell her you will turn the phone off if she continues showing disrespect toward you in that manner.
As for her daily updates on the kids, you may be right. However, telling her she can't do it.......could be like cutting your nose off to spite your face.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I was just reading up on your sitch and was going to post the same thing sandi2 just did.
IMO, take her advice on just ignoring the texts and enjoy the updates on the kids while it lasts. Same goes for the kids leaving messages and texts. Think of it in a way that you get to know more about them on her time.
On the other hand, there may be something else going on here as well. If she is being more cooperative with the kids, she may think it would have a custody impact. She is sharing information (being cooperative) with you and you are not. Just a thought.
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
It was a female friend of mine(Dx2) that said that she'll be willing to bet that W wants to come back within six months. I didn't say it.
The chances are good that -eventually- she'll want to recon, but within 6 months is unlikely. That said, I do know of a case where it happened. One of my daughters had a best friend in high school and their family lived a few streets from us. Around the same time my W BD'd me, the friend's mom BD'd her dad as well. The mom became one of my W's enablers (or more likely they enabled each other). The woman moved out, and shortly after got a dragonfly tattoo with a Latin inscription that read something like "she is finally free". I do not know the details but about 4 months later she was back at home and they've been together ever since (this was about 6 years ago). So while we constantly preach that the timelines on these sitches are quite long, there are exceptions now and then.
Thanks for that! I asked in a another thread about WWs take on D and whatvit really means. Apparently my W thinks that everything is going to stay the same. Except the fact that we are not in R and live separately. Otherwise everything will be the same. Me visiting in-laws, us having parties together etc...
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
Yeh well, that's the reality check that they will get that punctures their fantasy world post D.
You can do all of those things if that's what you want, but does that convey strength? I will not do anything unless I see that it being a benefit to my kids - and I will swallow some of my pride for that. But, I have made it clear to W that I do not consider ourselves as family and that there will be no 'family' stuff happening.
No matter how close you are to your in-laws, a line in the sand has been drawn. I was super close to my in-laws and now things have changed - mostly by me in terms of how I will interact with them and making things way more formal. That is what works for me, but I would caution against being the friendly nice guy type.
That's my point here. I don't wont to go to see in-laws as it is something we did as a family before. Or have parties etc as a family anymore. For me divorce means that outör family times are over. Done.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
I'm getting tired of this. W texted me how she misses the kids all the time and feels bad for all this. And how her thoughts start getting out of control when she's at her apartment. And she is tired of feeling bad all the time. I merely told her to talk to someone outside all of this b/c I cannot help her anymore.
I guess I just need to be strong and keep moving forward.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
You were right to tell her you can't help her. First of all, if she is telling you "she feels bad" as some flimsy excuse for an apology.........she flunked, IMHO. It's still all about her and how she feels. It's almost as if she wants you to comfort her and tell her it's okay.
When she's alone in her apartment, reality starts visiting her. She wants to feel better, b/c she doesn't enjoy this guilt she's experiencing. You can't fix her, and you can't rescue her. It is up to her to do what is right. If she needs therapy, then that's her call. If she wants to make things right with you, then she has to end all inappropriate behavior (Contacting other men as if she were single, having affairs, acting like Girls Gone Wild), whatever she has done to tear apart her family. If there are no changes in her activities/behavior, then her words won't mean much.
If she has not changed anything, then it sounds as if she is attempting to get to the place of being just friends with you. If this is the case, then she thinks that telling you she feels bad........is sufficient enough to soothe things over. Perhaps gives her some relief on the guilt pressure. But that's just guesswork on my part.
When a WW has a true change of heart, and she experiences genuine remorse......she is heartbroken over the terrible things she's done and the horrible pain she's inflicted on her loved ones. She is humble, and it will show in her behavior, her tone of voice, and her words. Most of all, it shows in her attitude. No longer is everything about her! And let me stress this, for all those H's who want to put words in the mouths of their WW's..........don't do it. Yes, of course it is very difficult for her to say, but it is part of the healing process for her to ask for your forgiveness.
Give reality time to do it's work. You don't have to rub her nose in it. But, don't rescue her, either. Stay neutral.
Just try not to say anything you might regret later. You have your own anger to work out, and if she's constantly popping up on your phone, complaining about her feelings, it would be easy to take a pop-shot at her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi, wow that is awesome advice. Your insight never ceases to amaze me. Forgive me if you've shared this before, but from the time your waywardness began until you had the change of heart you mention here, how long was that? And I know it will be different for everyone. I remember seeing a show a while back about a woman that left her family for another man. Years later realized what she did was wrong and left the OM to go back home. Her husband accepted her back over time. So I know it can vary greatly based on a variety of factors.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
