H moved in while we were dating. He came to my house with two books - Fireproof and His Needs/Her Needs How to Affair Proof Your Marriage. I assumed left over from his first marriage. I read the latter book and H before we were married read it right after me.
Its funny how much we were aware of each other's needs and took such proactive steps... then life roles in and you get complacent. There is always something else that needs taken care of.
Today - today I would like to think was a good day. Maybe it was a mistake? It felt good. H and I had already had plans today. After last night I was anxious on how it would go but it went so well.
He came home from work and we eventually ended up having sex which was wonderful. Perhaps the pros on this board would frown upon this but if I'm not having sex with H who is he going to have sex with?
We could have conversations about other stuff without it feeling forced. We made to the the boat, travel and deer expo. Sometimes he asks questions like "does it need to be a lake house or can any type of water like a pond do"? Now this is important because from the moment we got together we had always planned to have a lake house for retirement. This means at times I still pop into his head when he thinks of the future. Of course I responded I would love to be near any body of water but being on a lake gives him more options with a boat.
Other times when looking at the RV's and 5th wheels he simply says he won't get a home just a 5th wheel and when it gets cold in one area he will just relocate. He was speaking as if it would just be him in the future.
We looked at elk and bear hunt packages. We playfully bantered with the sales people. He is all over the place with his eye on a piece of property near his work and suddenly talking to sales rep about buying 20 acres just to hunt on and put a small hunting cabin on. He will randomly say he doesn't want to go fishing in Montana he wants to live there.
There were small things like "you want some fudge?". I'm like sure. Then he wants to know which one I want... and that's what he buys.
We ended up doing some wine tasting - all fabulous. I'm thinking we will get one bottle so we are trying to decide what we liked best. He turns to me and says you pick out what you want I'm going the restroom and will return. Of course I laugh and say hey, you've got the credit card!! He says I know.
I pick out 3 bottles of wine and my husband returns and says is that all I'm getting? Next thing we are tasting more wine and we end up with 3 more bottles. It was a BIG splurge. He turned to me and said that the next time he has to work all weekend that I am not to complain. He was suddenly spoiling me, but at some point we are going to be drinking A LOT of wine!
The entire day was so wonderful!!!
Tomorrow I have GAL's planned. I have told my husband I will be out. He asked some questions which I answered as best I could but I did let my husband know several times over that there are no men in this get together. I didn't want a repeat of "I'm going to the coffee shop" fiasco. He doesn't understand but didn't argue about it.
I realize come Monday H may revert back to being cold and distant again.
I know H is interested in X property near work (20min away) but then he started talking about another property that a co-worker told him about but it 25min away so he feels like he is still driving.
He talked a little about it and I actually tried to be open minded but the words "is this a place to stay during the week or something more permanent"?
He just said "I don't know" in a very confused tone. Then he rambled with all the weekends he works now... obviously he didn't finish but it was left open.
I regret asking that question. H is still clearly trying to figure that out and my bringing it out tin the open was probably putting pressure on him.
Came home after GAL last night. Did ask H if he wanted to try some of the wine we bought. He said very quietly - sure.
He was watching something on tv and I asked if there was something we could both watch. He got annoyed and I said nevermind. Then he called me back in and handed the remote to me. When I tried to find something we could both watch he just shut down so I let it go.
He had some wine. I had some wine but it was cold. TV sat blank. He ended up showering and going to bed.
He got up this am and did dishes while I laid in bed. When I got up he was clearly angry. He apparently went to bed angry. When I inquired why he was feeling that way he said I was being controlling when I came in to ask if we could watch something together on tv. I am supposed to just sit and watch what he is watching already. He said if he comes in and sits with me he just watches what I am already watching. He is so tired of having to tell me that.
I did say that if I asked something he did not want he could simply say NO. He then said he that I would be hurt and he was tired of that as well. He is so tired of how many times he has to tell me this. I tried to validate his feelings and leave it at that.
I will be sitting at the computer for 5 min and he will come in to look over my shoulder... "what are you doing?". I am not allowed to ask him any questions, but he constantly asks me questions.
He did say - you know you go out and have this meet up group just further proves I have nothing in this town for me (he commutes 1hr from my town to the town he grew up in and works in). Its like I'm going out and GAL and its like its further pushing him out the door because he is lonely here too. I just said I don't have any friends in this town either. My bff's live 5hr from here. I went out last night and met 3 new people and had interesting conversation and learned little odd facts.
I mention to my husband about a winery near by that I had no idea. He said - I won't go. This is the man who just 48hr earlier spent time and money in a winery booth with me and it was so very nice.
He later said is this where you are having group again. I said no. I hoped you would go but if you don't I will go alone. I said they have live music on Wednesdays. He said he has plans on Wednesday - which I know but not EVERY Wednesday.
Why does he go to bed so angry???
Why is it when I try to leave him alone he gets more angry???
Why does he constantly look over my shoulder and ask what I'm doing but I'm not allowed to inquire what he is doing???
I'm just packing a bag and leaving for the day. Need out of this house.
Why is it when I try to leave him alone he gets more angry???
Why does he constantly look over my shoulder and ask what I'm doing but I'm not allowed to inquire what he is doing???
Because he's a bit of a 6YO throwing a temper tantrum. You do realize that the TV fight wasn't really about the TV, right? While there probably was some truth to his feelings (very 6YO-like too!), H was going to have a fight with you one way or another. H didn't like the GAL stuff.
I think a better strategy for you when you come back is not to pursue. You asked about tasting wine. You asked about watching TV together. Right now, you want the message to be "I'm giving you the time and space you need." Neither of those do that.
I agree with Mach and Cat that your H still cares about you. I also think H is feeling sorry for himself and may want you to be miserable too. That's just a game you don't want to play. Continue to beat the "I heard what you said about being alone and I'm <whatever you are doing> to give you the time and space you need." drum. And the <whatever you are doing> includes reading in a different room, or anything else that isn't trying to get him to drink wine and watch TV with you!
If H spews anger at you for doing these things, calmly say "H, I'm confused. If there is something else you need, please tell me."
And if H says he doesn't know, that's ok. Tell H that's why you are giving him time and space.
And if H says he needs something totally unreasonable, tell H you will need to think about it.
Finally, comments like this "he did say - you know you go out and have this meet up group just further proves I have nothing in this town for me" are more 6YO tantrums. Just ignore them for now. Don't engage.
You are right. I shouldn't have engaged him when I got back from GAL. We just bought all this wine and he made it seem like he was wanting to enjoy some this weekend. We have very little time with each other being on opposite shifts.
But, the U.S. for the refocus... I'm supposed to be giving him space. It's just that Friday was so nice. Towards the end I saw some of my old husband poking through. If you ask me what feature physically draws me to people it's the smile. He smiled during the wine tasting... really smiled. He just doesn't do that much lately. I won't lie I melted.
With the tensions right now I left the house. He asked where I was going and I just said library. He said... yeah right. I said I'm getting out of his way. I mean DR isn't in digital format and I can't read it in front of him.
We are still sharing MBR. We only truly share the bed 1 to 2 nights a week max. Since he works 3rd shift we sleep at different times.
Your situation is difficult because you are not detaching... You are doing the GAL things while still attached... So when you share special, lovely times while he is still walking away (not physically but in his mind, attitude) you see it as signs that things may be getting better. Intellectually you know that may not be the case, but emotionally you are hoping, grasping...
You made the mistake of pursuing when you got home... Perhaps he felt like he just spent a beautiful day with you, and you want more... It's not enough... BTW, I am sure the day was lovely relatively speaking, but I sense you were not exactly comfortable... You walked on eggshells...
Next time he questions you the way he does, why not explain to him that it confuses you because he wants you to leave him alone and not ask him questions, but then he doesn't do the same for you... And it gives you mixed messages...
BDings cause crazy ups and downs... and because you are picking and choosing different parts of DBing to put into practice right now, your ups and downs are all over the place...
Friday was great. He had been up 24hr to be able to have the day with me and I wasn't walking on eggshells but on air.
He passed out that night and I climbed in bed a couple of hrs later. He stretched out his arm and cuddled me most the n igbt which hasn't happened in forever.
Now, I'm not stupid. That was his subconscious act. If I were to say to him the next morning I appreciated his arms around me he would have denied it. He was exhausted and did what happens naturally.
This phenomenon happened 4 weeks ago. I came home and he has been up again for 24hr. I stepped in to where he fell asleep in his chair to wake him and ask if he was having dinner with us. He said yes and I turned to walk away. He said hey come back so I did. He pulled me to hug me. He said I looked good and that he loved me. I pulled back and said - you do? He said yes. I told him I loved him too. The man had not told me that in a year. I go to make dinner. When it's done I return to wake him again as he drifted off. No memory of what he just said to me 20min earlier. He just only said he had a weird dream.
So I knew that H holding me was just exhaustion and not where he is at.
But, you are right. I am not detaching well. I need a kick in the pants and to move forward. Today when I get him I will NOT pursue him.
If he comes to me to ask questions of me I will say that I was giving him space and that's it.
So was good... I did not pursue him after I returned home today. Be showed no interest and continued to do his own thing.
He did 1 load of dishes and I said thank you. Be cleaned up after himself after making a mess in the kitchen.
After he left for work I noticed he made the bed. I can't remember the last time he made the bed...
I texted him thank you for making the bed. I don't expect a response but I felt I should acknowledged his effort.
I know the rules say I'm not to text H. I hope this was not a big boo boo... I'm really trying to do the right move and not chase H.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/07/1812:00 AM. Reason: Combine posts
I have copied the validation link below for you to look through again…
IMO I don’t see anything wrong in thanking a WS for something they do that is helping the BS, < I do feel you can’t really detach whilst still under the same roof so this is all about “smart contact”, really difficult but being civil and happy and confident that you’re going to be happy irrelevant of the outcome. Don’t go chasing or following him around the house, don’t start R conversations, DON’T GET IN HIS FACE.
Tell yourself “he will come to me I will not approach him” < make this your mantra. Once he does this ^^^^^^^^ should kick in.
From what I’ve read NOT thanking breeds resentment which eventually can swell come to the surface and manifest into problems over time.
KitCat I just read through the last few pages. What I'm reading is you bending over backwards and walking on eggshells to try to please your H and he's not responding, or responding angrily. And then you make a long post about it talking about how you've failed at DB'ing and don't understand what you did wrong. You need to understand this is not about YOU, it's about HIM. This isn't about what YOU are doing right or wrong, it is about some internal struggle that HE is going through. He's confused about what he wants and he is lashing out and pushing you away because it is convenient to blame you for all his own problems. You simply cannot do anything right in his eyes right now. Anything you do no matter how selfless will get interpreted as something underhanded and devious. THIS is where detachment comes in, you detach and leave him alone and work on yourself. You take away all his ammo against you by ceasing to be a part of his life. You can't nice him back, so quit trying. All "nice" does is reaffirm to him that (in his eyes) you are weak, pathetic and an easy Plan B for him. So STOP. Be strong and independent. Quit beating yourself up every time he does or says something mean. That's on him, not you. If he's rude to you then DON'T TAKE IT. Get up, tell him you refuse to be disrepected and leave the room. Or leave the house. Just quit being a doormat.
Quote:
I texted him thank you for making the bed. I don't expect a response but I felt I should acknowledged his effort.
I know the rules say I'm not to text H. I hope this was not a big boo boo... I'm really trying to do the right move and not chase H.
Well first of all a quick thank you for making the bed is OK, Michele does say to "celebrate the 1%" in her book. IE, if he's rude and a jerk 99% of the time but does something nice 1% of the time then celebrate the 1%. That will encourage him to make it 2%, then 4%, etc. Second of all, please understand that detachment (IE, not chasing him) isn't something you do for a day or two here and there which is what I believe you've been doing. You've got to detach and STAY that way.
