I recently went back and read through your posts regarding FF because he was so often being referenced. Here's the one thing that stands out to me from that era. When things were going downhill with FF, you started saying that if it didn't work out with him you were going to stay single until D was older and/or moved out. I didn't that was really necessary, but I read way after the fact so obviously didn't comment.
Now you meet new guy, first date you weren't feeling it, second date you were feeling it, he didn't text you V-day you were upset with him, 3rd date your planning a sleep over.
I guess my thought is this, you went from never dating, right to what I would consider moving fast; each interaction (or lack of) is bringing out a high or low in you and it reminds me of the roller coaster ride post BD (before detachment) usually posted in newcomers.
I'm not being judgmental about the way your R progresses. In Dawns thread she describes juggling two men, which can be drama filled, but when I read her comments I don't see what is going on in her life affecting her emotions.
I guess I just worry that going from "NO more dating" to "going fast" without trying to take things slow may set you up for disappointment.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Interesting assessment, Coconut. I did write the no dating thing almost a year ago, and that was a reaction. I worked through that with my IC. She felt that was kind of nuts, and it was. Maybe if my daughter were 15..... well, then I would wait. I did decide that I will much more careful about having a guy come into D's life. Nothing is guaranteed, but I want to be standing on the best foot when that happens. I did stop dating for a while, about 6 months. I had one date. So, yes, there was about 9 months in between no more dating to "going fast", it was not one extreme to another.
As far as my "wasn't feeling it" it was me realizing I need to know him more. The whole V-day thing was more of 1) my time of the month 2) him going dark out of no where 3) the sleepover isn't planned sex. It was an offer that I didn't even commit to.
During my time of the month, I am admittedly an emotional mess. When I am actually in an R at my time of my month, I noticed the pattern of when that's when I become insecure, I think the person is acting strange and distant, and then I say "oh, my period must me coming" and boom, that's it, so I make sure I don't act on any of my crazy thoughts. Once that passed I was back down to earth again. And I am chill with whatever happens. I really, truly, am. As far as I am concerned right now, I have a date tomorrow night and I am going to kick his butt in mini golf so he has to wear a NJ Devils Jersey. I am also having some good Mexican food with some good company.
And...... there is more to my life right now than this guy. I am still sick of this awful job, and I went back online and did the search again. I found a position that really spiked my interest. A radiation Oncology Nurse. It's at the hospital in my system right by my house and it's the same hours and seems so interesting. It would get me involved with patient's again without shift work. I put in for a transfer application. I am keeping my fingers crossed. If it's meant to be, it will find me.
I'm not being judgmental about the way your R progresses. In Dawns thread she describes juggling two men, which can be drama filled, but when I read her comments I don't see what is going on in her life affecting her emotions.
So, here I am AGAIN, for the 2nd time today, hijacking G to talk about me, but I will say, Coconut, that I think G and I are VERY similar in a lot of ways. I think we think similarly. While I admit to "juggling" 2 men (which made me laugh out loud at that image, because honestly I didn't think of that way til I read what you wrote), in neither case have I allowed myself to do much emotional investing because I'm just trying to figure out where either is headed, if anywhere. The true test for me is when I start telling my family about a guy and I have not done that with either of these guys yet. Much like those of you on the board who have younger kids, not only my daughters, but my immediate family is VERY tight-knit, so when I am really interested in someone and want to make it more of a relationship-type, that is when I think of introducing them to my family. I don't want to introduce them too early only to have to tell my family it ended, if any of that even makes sense.
But, I thank you for what I perceived as a compliment that it doesn't seem to be affecting me emotionally even though seeing more than one person at a time can hold some inherent drama. I think that, in my case, one of them being on the road all the time alleviates at least some of that drama because it isn't like they both live here and I have to constantly worry when I'm with one that the other will see us together or whatever. I'm just trying to enjoy getting to know both and live in the moment and see where life takes me. I don't know that I explained any of that well, but the short version of all of this is that I think that, while Ginger and I think very similarly, we are in VERY different situations right now so we think/respond/react differently. And, of course, we are just different people in general, so we behave differently.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
While there is absolutely no way in h@ll I'd ever do something like this and can only wonder what most family members think... it is fascinating watching with some truth to it. When we say here that love is a choice rather than a feeling - that really is the case when you watch the show - at least with some of them. Look at Doug and Jamie from year one. She was repulsed by him, would not let him touch her - on and on. They just had another baby and I think are expecting again? She is now totally in love with him. Yeah, they are facing some rocks and bumps but it's a 180 from the start.
There have been others that make less sense. There is a couple in the current run where the guy would not even sleep in the same room with his new wife. He was like "I can't rush into these things and we are strangers and don't know anything about each other..." I'm thinking, DUDE... you signed up to do this - now that you are doing it you don't want anything to do with this lady?
It really does show, however, how it's not at all about the love at first sight feelings that some people want to feel - or the constant butterflies, etc. It's what you make of it. There is really a lot to be learned.
Season 3 may be the most fascinating - at least to me. There is one couple where the woman wanted nothing to do with the guy. Belittled him, made fun of him, questioned his man-hood. He kept trying but then finally hit his breaking point and said enough. It was then that she started to fall in love with him. By the time they got to the 6 week decision, she fully wanted to stay married. She was as all in as he was at the start - yet he said no, he wanted to get a D. She killed it for the two of them and she knew it at the end and was very, very sorry for it - FASCINATING and not at all unlike many stories here.
Season 3 also had what became one of the most despised guys. Again, the woman wanted nothing to do with the guy - would not even try. Again, I'm like, lady, what did you think this was going to be? I'm not sure that she ever kissed the guy, then used an opportunity to create an excuse to diss him (or so it seemed at the time). I'm not sure that they even stayed together for the 6 weeks. So they go onto D but then the producers bring the guy back for his own spin-off series where he picks the women - pretty much like a bachelor rip-off. This is where he showed himself to be a total wanna-bee player. He had several very good women interested in him yet he kept going for the totally wrong woman. If any woman treated him like crap, that's who he wanted. There was a total sweetheart that really seemed to like him - he felt nothing for her. The lady that totally blew him off and treated him terribly, that's who he wanted. In the end, he chose no one - and was flamed on social media. Still, he could not see what he kept doing wrong and kept doing the same wrong things and wondering why he always got nowhere or the same outcome. Again, it's not unlike people here who keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.
Great stuff - can you tell I like it? LOL Anyone who's looking to binge watch something this weekend - you'll love it! There are a total of 5 full seasons and #6 is currently airing.
When we say here that love is a choice rather than a feeling - that really is the case when you watch the show - at least with some of them.
Well I totally think this is true and it is something I say quite frequently.
I also think that in my research here I found that arranged marriages from India are quite successful, or at least better than our divorce rate from marriages that are choosen by ourselves. I will be honest I still can not believe my own marriage failed - I have accepted it but acceptance has come with much knowledge.
Originally Posted By: DonH
Anyone who's looking to binge watch something this weekend - you'll love it!
Can't say that it will get done this weekend but I will watch them all eventually - I am now a fan. Thanks Don.
I watched that first season a while ago. I probably would have been a great candidate for a set up like that. I was looking for someone that wanted the same things I did first and then seeing if there could be chemistry.
For me, I wanted to wait a little bit before being physically intimate. It was like 4 dates before we even kissed. I figured people could be all smoke and mirrors in the online dating world and I wanted to make sure I liked him as a person/friend first. I wanted him to know me as well. Not just go for me because of what i physically could offer. This felt safer for me. And for me its ends up being more enjoyable when I trust someones intentions more. I know this sounds old fashioned, but I get the sense that many guys really respect that more as well. Maybe deep down. Something they cant really come out and admit because it sounds anti feminist. (I met my ex in my early 20s and we were physical fast. I wonder if had I tried for friendship first,we might not have ended up together.)
Its different for everyone though. Generational. Our experiences cultures and backgrounds. what we are looking for. Whether we are ok with casual sex. Im not comfortable with it for me. But I don't see anything wrong with it as long as everyone is on the same page.
I am even tamping down the TMI. You all want a good laugh at the joke that is my love life? I'll keep it short and to the point.
The man erectile dysfunction! Yup, you heard me right! HAHA on the girl who wanted to get it on early in the game! First, I was freaked because the last 2 guys I dated couldn't get it to work right for the first time. With them, it was definitely anxiety, each for their own individual reasons. They got over it and all was very good once they did.
This one, however, it is a known problem, apparently. Only "this is the worse it's been". Mind you, he is my age. Truth be told, he is not in good shape at all. He is overweight and doesn't really exercise and makes awful food choices. He also has not been to the doctor in 7 years. He only goes when something is "wrong". And the last time he went, they told him he was pre diabetic. He was extremely overweight then and he changed his lifestyle and lost a lot of weight, but it didn't last.
The ED is a turnoff, but I am very understanding about it. What the turnoff is, is that this guy has admittedly done nothing to help himself. I was talking to my cousin and her husband about it and her husband said "there are many men out there who will cut their finger off an dput it back together with duct tape so they don't go to the doctor, but when it comes to their d!ck malfunctioning, they will run to the doctor!"
It is obvious this is related to his poor health. And that is a huge turn-off. So something about it. When he was beating himself up over it, I was honest with him. I said I am understanding and I won't run away because of it, but I can't stick around if you aren't going to do something about it.
Also, we really don't have a large amount in common, he is big video gamer, hates the gym, ect. He does like to go out and hike in the nice weather which I love. We did have good dates. He brought me flowers again yesterday.
I really don't know where I am going to go with this, to be honest. I don't have to cut and run right this minute. But yes, as we go on more dates, we get to know someone better. I am not going to force something to work, I am just going to see where it flows. I am also not going to wait a whole bunch of time if I am not feeling it and he is not proactive.
I came to post this to just get it out there. I know everyone will probably have an opinion of whether I should run or not, but I ask kindly not to give it right now. It's kind of something I need to figure out for myself.
In other news. When we were at lunch yesterday, I got a FB message from hot young PT assistant. ANd I felt a wave of excitement. This guy has been promising to make my daughter floam ( a form of this slime making fad my child is obsessed with). I might be discharged this week, so on Thursday, he said he is going to do it on sunday. He bought all the supplies. He sent me a pic on FB of all the supplies and said "this is how I ma spending my sunday!" Then he sent the finished product. I thanked him and told him how happy he was going to make a special little girl. He told me he was worried about sending the messages because he was afraid it might be creepy. I told him not at all, and I made a joke about the weirdo pt at PT who had a thing for him and would ask him if wanted to "feed his ponies" I said "not inappropriate at all, I thought it was very sweet. You didn't ask me to feed your pony or anything" we got a good laugh.
This guy is 25 years old, and everything I wanted and needed at 25. I wish I was 10 years younger. There is definitely a chemistry there, but nothing we can ever do about it. But the guy he is more mature than any guy I have ever dated, actually. There is some lucky woman who is really going to hit the jackpot when she marries him.
That was long-winded and there is more, but I'll get back later.
