It is early and time will tell. I appreciate his attempt at wooing. He's doing well, and I think that has kind of gone by the wayside in dating. Of course, it is something I don't expect to last. But I think he is the kind of guy who would be thoughtful from time to time with the little things.
Needy? I don't think so. I think he just wants to "get things right". He admits his mistakes in the past and feels he has learned things as time goes on. You know how a DB'er does their 180's? I think that's what he is doing. Again, only time will tell as we get to know each other.
I think Don said something about him thinking I am "the perfect girl" or something to that affect. Weirdly enough, my last most serious R's began that way. They seem to think I am "the woman" (which is a tough standard to live up to by the way, I kind of hate it, because I am not perfect and I have flaws) Neither of the last guys have any complaints of who I was or how I was in an R, actually both told me they loved who I was, yet, when it came to a point where a sacrifice needed to be made, they didn't hesitate to say "nah, I'll just find someone else" The first guy, the sacrifice was small. The second one was big and I get it. But still, come on now, nobody is perfect. ANd I don't want to be some fantasy, I want to be someone's reality. One where they stay.
I really am trying not to overthink it and just go with the flow.
The sex thing. Well. I can't say it's not going to happen soon. Like really soon. Luckily, that never drove anyone away, lol. I think it only affected the dynamic of the plumber and I, but it was going to be the same dynamic whether I waited 3 months or 3 days because of who he was.
I look forward to the weekend. I look forward to our two dates and a very special hockey game with my dad and his wife Saturday night.
I'm so tickled for you, G! Sounds like some good things going on with this new guy. I don't know that the gift of the hat is necessarily a red flag, though, the way my mind works, I would be wondering what, if anything, he expected in return. People have mentioned love languages on here before and I know one of the LL is receiving gifts, but for me, I love to GIVE gifts, so something like finding and giving the hat would just be a gesture to let someone know that I liked them and was thinking of their interest. I don't know if any of that makes sense but I don't necessarily see the gift of the cap as being some big red flag, though I don't think you do either, so that might be a moot point.
I used to have this idea/thought in my head that I had to wait a certain number of dates before having sex, but in my old(er) age, I'm realizing that FOR ME, I feel better if I just go with it when it feels right. That may be a few dates in and it may be the first date. I'm not saying it has to be that way for everyone and though it sounds like it, I'm not even necessarily disagreeing with what Don said about sex too early can muddy the waters (paraphrasing what he said, obviously), but I have just decided that I have to do what feels right for me in the moment. Not saying that is how everyone should approach everything because obviously we are all different people with different thoughts/feelings/beliefs. I just know what works for me and what doesn't work for me and being on a strict "must wait 3 dates" policy isn't necessarily all that helpful to me because men are all different. In my thoughts, it also kind of helps see what the intentions are. If it is someone who is just looking for more of a FWB thing, sex gets pushed a lot faster than someone who might be interested in actually knowing me as a person and seeing what develops. Sorry I'm hijacking your post talking about me....I seem to have a knack for doing that....but I'm just trying to share thoughts/insights I have gained in my divorced years that I might not necessarily have had pre-marriage and divorce. I think we all know what the right time for us is and we are all on different time lines, so what works for me may or may not work for anyone else.
So glad you are looking forward to your upcoming dates. Can't wait to hear all about them!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Dawn, I am so glad you explained your point of view! We share the exact similar one and approach the situation similarly, actually.
I don't follow a rule, although I really try not to have sex on the first date. But it has happened, and really, they were just hookups and I knew what they were. But I do not have a 3 date rule, or a 3 month rule, although I joked around and said I have a 6 month rule, lol. Let's face it, we are all adults here. I am a 37 year old woman with needs and I can make the decision for myself when the time was right. I don't sleep around. Do I think it's going to happen this weekend? Yeahhhhhhh. I am sleeping over tomorrow night and he did offer for me to take the bed and him the couch.
Maybe it won't happen. Maybe it will! But I can definitely tell this guy isn't looking for a FWB situation. Neither am I. He knows that much too.
I think the only risks you have to worry about with sex too soon are these: 1) If he'll think less of you because of it. I haven't really encountered this but it could happen.
2) If he'll pursue less once he's "won" you - Mr Big Lots was like this, all over me up to the third date, never got that kind of effort from him again (he was a major league Love Avoidant though).
3) The BIG risk - you'll get attached to someone before you know what their red flags are. This is really dependent upon you. I have a friend who definitely CANNOT do casual sex - she gets too attached too easily and has trouble getting unattached because she's a little obsessive. For her, it's really important that she wait until she's sure about a person. I, on the other hand, being a product of the late 60's early 70's, don't have a problem with casual sex if it's someone I'm really attracted to and comfortable with. At my age I can easily accept that some men will just be flings, some will be long term friends with benefits but not boyfriend material, some will be boyfriends (and some will look like great boyfriends and turn out to be all messed up, like Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome.) If you want to and you feel safe and you use condoms (no glove no love as my friend says) and you are sure you can keep some objectivity, go for it.
Has anyone been watching "Married at First Sight"? It's this show on Bravo where three couples who have never met their spouce get married. They have done like a dozen marriages now. They are all real. If you want out, you have to get a real D. No way in hell I'd ever do this. Amazingly the first couple is still married and just had a baby. I think one of the other first couples are married yet as well. Most tried but went on to D.
It's very fascinating on many levels including sex. In the current round they have all been married just over two weeks. They have gone on a romantic honeymoon, moved in together and spent every day and night together. One of the couples is yet to have sex. After 6 weeks, they have to decide if they will stay together or get a D. Last year one of the couples never had sex at time of the 6 week decision yet they stayed together - for another six months. So they were married and together 7.5 months AND STILL NEVER HAD SEX!!!
I bring this up to illustrate how there is no norm. There are people on these boards who are married and have not had sex in years. When I think of all of that, the third date for a planned sleep over is, for me, rushing things. That's just me. Can't say I'm right or wrong. I can say no one would claim you are taking things slow - which is clearly the G pattern. I really hope history is not repeating itself here - and it may well not be. I just have to wonder if you keep getting the same results because you keep doing the same things? Just something to consider.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Sex would not cause me to become unhealthily emotionally attached. it's a part of dating that happens and can be enjoyed. I think sex might take on different levels and feelings as I do become emotionally attached, but it isn't what does the attaching for me in the first place. I can definitely keep objectivity.
My usual speed be really fast? No, I don't think so. And in any case if it was, I don't think it hurt the R at all. Maybe hurt me more when it ended, but it didn't do the damage to the R.
It's not a planned sleepover in that sense. I am going by him tomorrow night, a half hour away, we will be out late and there will be drinks. he kindly offered me the option and said he would take the couch and I could have his bed. We didn't make a date for sex.
The history I worry about repeating: Ignoring actual red flags and getting into a situation which has too much complication such as distance, or going very different places in life like being done with kids or having kids. I tend to entangle myself in situations where love just isn't enough and have huge obstacles. That is the history I really don't want to repeat. I need to make sure the situation is somewhat ideal.
That being said, he does know I am done having kids. I put it right out there. Otherwise, this is finally good where we have no reason to rush a lot of the stuff we don't want to. He isn't meeting my kid until I deem it time. He doesn't need to meet the parents yet. he doesn't need to spend a bunch of nights over a week. He has his own place. We can take things at whatever pace we feel comfortable with, not because situation makes us do otherwise. That I like a lot. I for once feel like I have some control over the situation.
Has anyone been watching "Married at First Sight"? It's this show on Bravo where three couples who have never met their spouce get married. They have done like a dozen marriages now. They are all real. If you want out, you have to get a real D. No way in hell I'd ever do this. Amazingly the first couple is still married and just had a baby. I think one of the other first couples are married yet as well. Most tried but went on to D.
It's very fascinating on many levels including sex. In the current round they have all been married just over two weeks. They have gone on a romantic honeymoon, moved in together and spent every day and night together. One of the couples is yet to have sex. After 6 weeks, they have to decide if they will stay together or get a D. Last year one of the couples never had sex at time of the 6 week decision yet they stayed together - for another six months. So they were married and together 7.5 months AND STILL NEVER HAD SEX!!!
I bring this up to illustrate how there is no norm. There are people on these boards who are married and have not had sex in years. When I think of all of that, the third date for a planned sleep over is, for me, rushing things. That's just me. Can't say I'm right or wrong. I can say no one would claim you are taking things slow - which is clearly the G pattern. I really hope history is not repeating itself here - and it may well not be. I just have to wonder if you keep getting the same results because you keep doing the same things? Just something to consider.
I watch this show, Don, as it absolutely fascinates me. People in general fascinate me. I'm definitely a people watcher and let's be honest here... somewhat of a people judger. I mean, honestly, it is hard not to assume and judge and I don't necessarily mean in a harsh way. But the 3 couples this time are really interesting to me from the standpoint of how they have approached the whole sex thing, with the one couple having sex on the first night and the Barbie and Ken couple still not having sex. But, I think that illustrates both the point I made earlier and the point you made in your post...it is different for everyone. I used to be a wait at least 3 dates and see what happens from thee, but now I lean more toward what kml said about I'm ok with casual sex as long as I am attracted to and comfortable with someone and I know that is the intention from the get go. I don't necessarily actively pursue that sort of relationship, but they do happen and as long as everyone knows that is what is happening, I'm good with that.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
There are people on these boards who are married and have not had sex in years.
Yeah if I was going to have to sign up for that - I think I would shoot myself.
Our fearless leader MWD has written books about SSM and I think that getting married again knowing you are going to not be meeting someones needs is a recipe for disaster. Not saying that everyone has this need but I know that Ginger and her friend have touch as a need. It is wonderful to have the same needs as your partner. Failure will occur by not meeting these needs.
