Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I understand your despair it’s part of the BS script but please just ride out the first few weeks, don’t do anything rash and keep posting here.
Do you truly want to save your MR? I’m sure you do or you wouldn’t be here and that alone is a huge step in helping you on your journey. Understanding why it happened and how these situations USUALLY pan out brings some comfort to the BS, there is a pattern that the WS follows, research it.
Know this is not about you, you could have been the most perfect W and STILL this would have happened. Doesn’t mean it has to define you, this is where DR can help.
None of us have time machines so we just have to get on with it BUT it hasn’t ended… You choose when your MR ends, as much has DR feels counter-intuitive try to do the principles at least for a while and gauge the reaction.
Leave him alone have patience and faith and work on you, try instead to enjoy the time you’ve been given to find yourself again the person he fell for in the first place.
Remember you have no control over his actions so focus on you, what else can you do…
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Thanks for all this advice. Actually, it is one of his biggest personal fears to be manipulated and controlled. I think this perfectly fits to him being such an extreme distancer. I know that he will never change this bc this is him. And I know that I can cope with it. I am not a pursuer because I feel weak or not self-confident - during our MR I was simply longing for emotional closeness. The more his distance increased the more my madness about it increased. I know I can handle this differently and I will do it now and I hope it is not too late. So I am switching between hope, doubts, despair, ...
Sure I will tell you. My husband is none of these, I guess. From time to time he is chatting on dating websites but he is not involved with somebody special. He once met somebody he got to know by chatting but it didn't fit. Despite of being in his mid-40s he is definitely not in a crisis. He is not a WAH. His intention is not to walk away but to get rid of our marital problem. He considers them to be unresolvable. So he wants to get a new life with a new woman without such marital problem.
Our marital problem is a very typical pursuer (me) / distancer (him) relationship. From the beginning of our relationship we had to manage a bulk of external problems, nothing life threatening, but a constant flow of problems. We were very successful in terms of results but at the cost of our love. We are dealing very differently with problems and conflicts. I am goal-oriented,emotional, do not avoid conflicts, but easily reconcile. He is the very contrast, he hates being manipulated, is rational, self-controlled hates conflicts, never forgives. As a result, his distance grew and grew, while my pursuing him intensified. There was a lot of hurting each other due to that.
On the occasion of one quarrel, years ago, he stopped any physical contact and threatened divorce. Then I started fighting for our MR but unfortunately knew nothing about the LRT. Then he announced that he will look for a new woman and will move out as soon as he has found one. Meanwhile, I have read and learned a lot about relationship and I am sure that our marital problem is solvable. He strongly believes that it is not and that our MR is completely shattered and not reparable. He says that reconciliation would be useful only for me, but not for him, that he will not consider reconciliation, that if reconciliation wouldn't work he would be beaten for the rest of his life ... such things.
I know the LRT is exactly the right thing and that it is a necessity to stick to it. But I feel that it might not be enough in our situation. Both of us live like being seemingly dead, you know what I mean, keeping up the facade for the children. He might get to know another woman. What I fear even more is that we continue for years being seemingly dead because he is the most stubborn and unforgiving person one can imagine. And thean of course I fear that he moves out just because of being fed up with the situation and feeling urged to change something but not not reconcile. Unfortunately, every two weeks, these fears make me fall into relapse as for the LRT. And then I always start from zero.
What do you mean helps more: a realistic view or hope? Reading all these stories in this forum I feel so confused. I feel confirmed that only the LRT to no make things worse. But at the same time, I realize that it won't help at all to get him back into the MR. And in fact there is NOTHING which would help. This is so hard for me to accept. You know, I am longing for a little bit of hope that it is not TOO late, because that would make me more motivated to do the LRT and to not lose track. Is there anybody out there who could tell me something why there should be a little bit of hope?
My husband wants a divorce but is talking about getting re-married someday. I was researching this phenomenon of getting re-married to the same person (not that I'm planning to take him back after what he's done). Apparently a good 40% regret their divorce and something like 5% get re-married. I have no idea where I heard those statistics and I'm sure they're not accurate, but I guess you could try to keep re-connecting after divorce and see if a new relationship could be started.
Quite frankly, a man thats not even capable of leaving his wife without another girlfriend to latch onto sounds CRAZY!! If i was searching for guys on line he would be a huge pathetic red flag. Maybe a low quality female with no self esteem would go for him knowing that hes living with his wife and kids and looking to date?
I know, I know. Its that golden dream of keeping a marriage intact. But thats just BS many of us that are in a really unhealthy dynamic and relationship tell ourselves here. A lot of these spouses arent poor misunderstood people with foo issues that we failed because of stressful lives, sickness, death young kids (note they usually leave after tjis). Many of them are entitled, selfish, and most importantly uncommitted. They leave when the going gets tough because they were never the committed people we thought they were.
This takes a little while to come to terms with.
If they do come back. They will probably leave again in the future. I have been on these boards only since 2015 and i have seen this a lot.
If your spouse is not committed to the relationship there is nothing you can do. Thats assuming you have a lot of power that you dont. A bit controlling. Another poster suggested this on your thread in an earlier post that if uou follow last reaort technique perfectly that in theory it will work. And i disagree.
What you do have the power to do is work on you. Give up trying to save your marriage. Work on yourself and how you are going to make your life great as a single mom. He told you he wants out. Accept that. Move forward.
Trust me there are other great things out there when you let go of someone that is emotionally disconnected to you to begin with.
hi, Gisela... i just have to ask, why are you willing to let your husband stay with you while he is actively looking for another wife? that has to be one of the most selfish things that one spouse can do to the other... of course this hurts you... how dare he feel so entitled... don't settle for this behavior... i know it seems scary because you do not want a divorce, and you do not want to lose him... but honestly, he is already gone... he is done up to where he feels inconvenienced... what i mean is, he says he is done with the marriage... yet, he has not left... why? because it's easier for him to stay where he is until he really has to move, and that time will come when he has found his next wife... so he uses you... your kindness... your willingness to take the blame...
do you really want to be that person who let her WH--and yes, he is wayward, stay with her until he found his next love? when that happens, he will leave you physically... that will hurt you to the nth degree... you need to work at detaching now... and you need to not make things so comfy cozy for him as he dates--even online... do not play the fool here... and that is what is doing to you right now--playing you for the fool... you are worth more than that... let him know it...
Hi artista and jujube, unfortunately I have to admit that it is so obviously true what you write. And, unfortunately as well, I feel that there are many sides of the coins ... and many truths. These might be wishful thinking, but they also might be the keys for reconciliation. Let me tell you those many aspects why I feel in such a huge dilemma. (A lot of text will follow, so sorry for that.) Yes, he is done with me. He completely felt out of love. But neither because he is bored nor because he is a walk away husband nor because he is in a midlife crisis nor because he fell in love with another women. He is done with me bc I did hurt him again and again. Actually, we did hurt each other again and again (doesn't matter for the current sitch, how we did that) bc our conflict behavior was so incompatible. (Strangely enough, we have improved a lot recently ...) The difference between us is that he in general tends to be an unforgiving person in contrast to me. And he believes that it is too much effort to work on a more compatible conflict behavior. He says that in order to reconcile we would need a therapy (I agree) but it would take 3 years he doesn't want to spend. Strangely, we are struggling with separating now for a similar period of time without any true progress. I would have loved to spend this time in a therapy with him. So I think he lost his own track because he feels so much pain. I want to find a way to relieve him from that. I have read so many books about how to apologize ... he once said that he only accepts apologies from children not from adults bc adults are accountable and forgiving an adult person means letting the person doing the same mistakes all over again. So he is a truly unforgiving person. That he is from time to time chatting and online dating is more a sign of despair. He is really desperate about our situation, he wants to prove himself that he will be able to perform the separation and find a new love. That he hurts me by doing that is something he completely blends out. He told me several times that he has so many wonderful memories of his love for me - he has shut them away in order to not lose them. That he hasn't moved out yet is because both of us do not want to hurt the children if not utterly necessary. We live a good life as a family. As a conclusion, what prevents a reconciliation is him feeling so much pain, him being a rather unforgiving person, him being convinced that there is no way to make our conflict behaviors more compatible, him believing that our relationship is broken to such an extent that it cannot be repaired. Call it wishful thinking, but I think that he is in a deplorable condition and he should look for professional help to find a way out of this condition but not out of our marriage. I even think that it would be healthy for both of us that he would move out so that he can see that separation is the worst, but not the best solution. If there weren't the children, I would not only try to stick to the LRT but probably try to initiate that he moves out. So far we really shared 50/50 in taking care of the children. It would be easier if I would be the more important attachment person for the children but I am not. We are both 50/50 attachment persons for them. That prevents a trial separation and that would make a separation so hurtful for all of us. I do in no way depend on my H, I could live on my own, I feel self-confident, I even feel upbeat blending the relationship issue out. I simply do not want to let this family be destroyed. I am convinced that my H, our children, and me, that each one of us would have a FAR worse life after a separation, and that our problems are solvable (if we go to a therapy). Yes, I see the problem in saying that ... that I know better what is good for all of us than my H. But I think that my H feels he same underneath all his own despair ... otherwise he would have moved out a long time ago. Maybe I am completely wrong and you will give me a friendly reality check that I am the most starry-eyed person in this forum or the near future will give me a horrible reality check. But so far I still believe that I am not completely wrong.
