I know exactly what you mean when you say your XW has not set even a foot on the path that you laid before her. My H hasn't even glanced over at my path!
And the MLC spouse won't either as long as they are still in Replay - at least 2 years from bomb drop and very likely longer. The most likely stage for them to step onto these "return home" paths, if they choose to, is at the end of Replay or even later toward the end of the Withdrawal stage. If you are hopeful for a return, you need to be very patient. It could take 3 years or more from Bomb Drop.
GalPal - I'm not looking for a "return". And to be frank, I don't really buy into the MLC as a process argument and the different stages any more. Perhaps I'm too jaded but I just consider her to be a very selfish person who made choices that hurt others. She was always selfish and came from a selfish family.
Following the stories here and elsewhere I really don't see evidence to support the diagnosis of MLC. I do see cases where people have regrets and make efforts of various types to make amends but that is also rare I believe. I can perhaps see her having regrets especially since things have not turned out for her in the way she probably imagined, but I don't see her making the effort to sincerely make amends.
Not that it's not possible that MLC is an actual thing as a form of mental illness and has such stages, just that I don't believe in it. Others have different opinions of course.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Gosh Andrew, I completely understand what you are saying. I also have serious doubts about MLC and have for quite awhile. I no longer have any desire or expectations of reconciliation either. The damage done is so catastrophic and so offensive that I simply cannot see myself ever wanting this person back into my life.
My comment on your thread yesterday was only to encourage you and anyone else (If you chose to continue DBing)that if you are DBing, you need to give it much more time to see results.
I wish I could change my thread title because it reflects my thoughts at the beginning of that thread but I've completely changed my mind since then. If you check the thread out you will see that, like you, I am also done:
If MLC is real, I don't believe in the least that it is a mental illness. I've read a few articles that describe MLC to a tee but yet the author is not at all talking about MLC. They talk about emotional weakness and serious character flaws that will continue to cause havoc in their lives forever until they commit to seriously working on their immaturity and selfishness.
For what its worth though, there are success stories out there. It's uncanny how similar the behaviors and timelines are. Maybe these people haven't regressed but maybe have just never grown up in the first place. I believe this is the case with my spouse. He just never grew up.
The articles on Limerance are pretty interesting. Limerance isn't MLC but a very powerful attraction to another person. If the attraction is reciprocated and both are in limerance then it's an almost impossible situation to get out of until the limerance is gone which can take as long as 3 years.
Only a person with weak character and very emotionally immature will make no effort to resist the temptation. The mature person with strong character will walk away from this temptation, seeing the dangerous trap and the devastating consequences that will follow. The emotionally weak person sees none of that.
I do accept that a Mid-Life Transition occurs in the majority of us. It's a time of reflection, questioning what hasn't worked in the past and what they want from life in the future, and considering what changes they need to make. If limerance occurs during this same time in a weak and immature person, then the transition derails into what is commonly called MLC. Doesn't mean it exists, but it's convenient to call it something to set it apart from the Transition.
Good luck going forward Andrew. Wish you all the best but I believe you will be better.
Journaling - nothing much. A lot of lengthy rambling nonsense as usual.
The world has felt very "grey" lately. I've tried to maintain an outwardly cheerful and positive attitude but it's just a veneer. The past month has been tough. The divorce paperwork going through, my ex-inlaws passing and OM taking my place at the funeral, Christmas, battling the Ghosts of the Caribbean, being ill all have taken a toll on me.
I've not felt too much like sharing my story these days either. For a while I was participating in 3 forums regularly. Now it's way down. I feel that there's nothing much to say. I've started posts and then just closed them, even ones on other people's threads. A dear friend of mine told me once that I would know that I've moved on when I start defining myself by what is in front of me rather than by what is behind me. It's taken me some time and effort to post this today. I had been not intending on posting here for another few weeks but "what the heck".
I've had very strong urges to reach out to my ex or to even just drive by her apartment to see if she still lives there or not. I've managed to avoid that. Nothing would be achieved except fresh pain. All remains as quiet from her as back in the days of the Phantom Cyclist. No idea what's going on in her life but I expect that she's not gotten her "happily ever after" from her guy. If it was going to happen, it would have some time ago and I would have heard about it. She cashes to transfer I send her each month is all I know. The only news I get from SIL1 who monitors her Facebook feed is that she goes drinking with some of the few friends left to her and has been tagged on very rare occasions out with OM and his friends where she is by far the youngest (and my SIL mentions fattest) ones present. I presume she is still living in her apartment very likely surrounded by the boxes and boxes of things that were our life here.
It still hurts that she walked away from us all, our life together and the future we had planned for. If I look at it honestly, I still can't see her ever being willing to make the effort necessary for me to trust her again. Speaking honestly though, if she were on my door-step right now asking to come home, I don't know what I'd say / do. I know what the "right" answer is but recently sometimes I feel too weak to stand firm.
I'm pretty sure that she has little or nothing to do with our children. Perhaps she calls them - I don't know. I think she gave S23 a lamp for Christmas which has now disappeared - or at least I didn't see it when I was in his room earlier. The hat she got him from her "romantic vacation" in 2016 is hanging on his mirror. It hurts less to see that than it did before.
As time goes on S23 seems to be getting more cheerful and chatty. We were talking the other day and both agreed that it makes a huge amount of sense for him to stay here. He doesn't pay rent, lives in a large house with a big yard plus the refrigerator which magically fills itself weekly and dishes that do themselves daily. His restaurant job ended with the death of one of the owners but he still has his construction job which pays for delivered pizza and pays down his student loans. I still don't see him much as he keeps weird hours and we don't do things together as we don't have a lot of common interests but he's a generally positive guy it would seem. We do eat dinner together at least once a week and catch up most days when I get home from work.
In about a week I'm off to visit D25 and her H for a couple of days for my 54th birthday. I'm looking forward to it, but not as much as I should be. I'm going to take 2 days to drive down but try to make it back in one. I'll spend one full day and 2 part ones with them. It's about 14 hours of driving including rest-room breaks. If necessary I'll pull over and crash but saving the cost of a night away is a good thing for my bank account. I've ordered a cake from the bake-shop around the corner for S23 to have so that on my birthday when he calls on Skype we'll all have cake. He's quite happy about an entire cake and no-one else he has to share it with especially since the lady who is baking the cake does a suburb job.
I'd set this trip date as a watershed moment to start more actively making changes. Coincidentally it will mark 2 full years since BD. Top of the list is searching for a new job that I will actually like and that hopefully gives me a better quality of life and shorter commute. Also on the list is to start more actively considering dating. I read a lot of stories here and elsewhere where shortly after BD that people have found someone new and formed new, happy lives with them. I know that for me that part of the "grey" in my life is the fact that I don't have anyone to share joys with so I just plod along. Being as the last time I dated was in the prior millennia I am rather out of practice. Add to that the fact that starting on the day that my ex and I met on a blind date that she actively clung to me and didn't let me out of her grip until well after BD when she vanished means that my dating skills are not to be trusted. I also don't trust myself to make the right choices. A lot of the people around me are very surprised that I haven't found anyone. I also feel guilty because I don't want to accept just anyone into my life because they are interested and I'm available. I know of two women who fall into this category. I know that the men are supposed to make the move and be the pursuer but I am hesitant. There are a number of women I know who are potential dates and I maintain a friendly relationship with them but don't cross the line being afraid both of rejection and acceptance. I have a social life that includes members of the opposite sex and despite being an introvert, I'm not shy. Perhaps some woman will get tired waiting for me to ask them and go - "you - me, date Friday". That would make life sooo much easier.
Well - more positive thoughts.
The reason I went into S23's room today was to check the window-sill where there had been what looked like carpenter ants in the fall. Now that it's warmer I was worried that the nest would start up and eat up the east side of the house. The good news is that it was just some rot in the 100+ year old wood which I've cleaned out. When I take the storm windows off I'll need to go over the spot with my router and a chisel and then make a dutchman to fill in the spot.
My finances are slowly getting better, recovering from my legal fees. I got a modest profit-sharing bonus at work and if my math is right I'll get a nice sized tax refund which I'll probably file today. My lawyer still has a fair amount of my money sitting in their retainer and hasn't returned my emails asking if the case is done and if I can get the balance back. I'll wait a bit until I get the final stamped divorce forms and then get more direct with them. The forms I have are just the submission which set the date but the courts have to review the documents to ensure that we were in fact married and are real people I suppose. At that time they mail out the final divorce order.
Over-all my financial position is pretty good all things considered. The after-tax hit for spousal support is pretty close to what I was paying for S23's rent plus the car payments etc on my ex's car so it pretty much nets out to zero compared to this time last year. I've stopped taking myself out for dinner every week and have cut back in a few other places. As long as I can find a new job that pays similar to what I get now and I'm under-paid for my experience currently - all should be good.
I got a call from my doctor the other day to schedule a new colonoscopy and realized that some worries I had about such things aren't there now that S23 is living with me. The instructions are that you're not supposed to be alone for the day after the procedure and I won't be. When my ex had her's after BD but before she moved out, she had me and I took care of things. While S23 still doesn't have his full license and can't drive me he will at least be able to ensure that I'm OK and I won't be alone in the house.
Since I always finish on this - salmon fillet for dinner tonight with spiced home fries.
Thanks everyone for listening.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You have been through alot in a short period of time. You are oviously in the process of shouting the door of the past, breathing, healing and getting ready to enter into a new one.
You are well surrounded on-line and in your hometown. I can see the respect and the kindness people have for you. The grey will clear.
Have you thought of voluntering or joining a group in your community to expand your social life?
Bringing joy to others mirror joy to you. ( at least for me )
You should get your son involve in fixing the window. Quality time. You could teach him and he could do the work. A lesson that might be needed later on in his life!
My kids love renovating with me.
Brighter days.. snow is melting and my car sink in the driveway. Lol spring is around the corner. Time to break some ice.
Glad you are avoiding those temptations to see your XW.
Re dating, hopefully someone more experienced has advice for you. I’d just do what feels right to you. And if a formal date seems like too much of a first step, why not just ask someone to have a cup of coffee together to get to know one another? You could be making a friend and maybe it turns into something more...or not. I think anyone would be flattered to hear; Id love to get to know you better (and really mean it).
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Happy Birthday Andrew! I agree with Gordie - little steps, coffee, drinks ... if it goes well, order appetizers, but no dinner - this was told to me by someone whose opinion I value in these matters. He said keep your sneakers handy because you never know when you might need to run away, which is why drinks/coffee rather than a full on meal with three courses and awkward pauses.
Generally speaking I think we attract what we ourselves embody at any particular moment. A confident happy person will attract the same, while someone in a more negative space will also attract the same. Don't we see that with the various OP the MLCrs end up with? So that's one more thing to contemplate - where are you internally, as there's a high likelihood that is what you will attract outwardly.
Hope this helps. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Happy Birthday and I hope your trip to visit your daughter is a safe one. Enjoy the time you spend with her.
As for dating, one step at a time. A hook up for coffee, a movie, a walk or a quick bite to eat would be the first steps. Allow things to progress slowly because there is no hurry to rush into a long term relationship. Take your time and when the right princess comes along, you will know it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
PS - Birthday not until March 11th but thanks for the pre-wishes.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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