Ginger, your words helped a lot. Thanks for sharing your experience. I trust what you're saying because you're further along than I am. It's so comforting to hear your daughter is ok. It sounds like she's doing great. This gives me hope for my daughter. Thanks again so much.
Coconut, it sounds like you also lost everything and had to start over completely. It's encouraging to hear your say you're feeling happy. I don't even remember that feeling! Even if I try to remember something happy it's overshadowed by my current situation which isn't happy and then I feel more upset. Regarding Zeus126's comment, yes, that's another way of saying what I was trying to say. People in developing countries are living as we did prior to the 1950's. It's like going back in time. They both need each other to survive and their values are less individual-focused and more community-focused. It appeals to me in particular because I've been financially self-sufficient since age 18. I paid for my own college and graduate school, worked extra jobs to have enough money to travel and study abroad, and then I supported my husband financially for six years until he got a paid residency program. I also lived alone, traveled around the world alone, and did everything alone. I was independent but I didn't find happiness in that. To me, the happiest time of my life was the first six years with my husband until we started having problems. Life is so much better with a partner. Just being able to share everything with someone you love is amazing. Now I have my daughter and we do everything together, but I miss my husband. I'm not sure I can be convinced that being happy alone is something I want to aim for. I can survive alone, but to me happiness is having a partner to love and who loves you in return. I'm trying to view my daughter as my family now. She's young and needs 100% care but I know when she gets older she'll help me too, so I'm thankful we can be our own small family. I just wish to give her more. Anyway, Coconut, yes I
hear you on progress and setbacks. My own progression right now can be measured only in hours. I'm ok for a few hours and then not ok for another few hours.
Joe, it's hard to imagine that I could be ahead of anyone else! I feel like I'm at the bottom! But I still appreciate your encouragement. Yes, I'm moving forward by planning a move to another city and getting ready to find a new job which I hope will help.
Right now every day is a bad day, but I did find one friend in Canada who is getting divorced and she said she'll visit me in April. I'm thankful for that!
I think about Iraq and Afghanistan a lot. You probably don't miss it wherever you were in either place but I do. There was a mission to be fulfilled and I was so focused on that. I wasn't married and didn't have a child back then so I didn't know what I was missing....I just worked all the time and loved it and then met my husband there.
Yes it helps posting on this board although the faceless, anonymous nature of it isn't ideal. I wish they'd allow for a more personal feel to a board where people are in such need for support.
You're right that DB is about helping ourselves too. I don't think any of us turn to it for that purpose, and that's not our goal when we start with it. But it does help us to see that feeling sorry for ourselves won't help.
I'm sure your wife is crazy to leave you. I, on the other hand, could have done better as wife. I am making progress on changing my thought patterns and behaviors that pushed my husband away, like having to be so focused on rules, safety, and hygiene all the time and being too uptight.
Thanks for your encouragement regarding my daughter. She keeps telling me it's better without her father around and that she loves going out with me alone. She doesn't know any better, but I guess she remembers the months before my husband left and knows they were bad. I try with all my strength to do fun stuff with her every day, take her out and make sure we're exercising and doing educational things. Sometimes I still have tears in my eyes and I just tell her I miss her father but I'm happy to have her.
I'll send a subsequent message with another update for everyone.
So, my husband stopped by tonight. He knew I saw a lawyer this morning and asked about it. We talked for ten or fifteen minutes. My husband still insists on a divorce but he's less rushed and angry now. He said things tonight like "you know that 50% of people who get divorced go back to each other right?" He said "I need to get divorced to get a fresh start. I need to feel like I'm making my own choices." He also said when we move to the new city he will visit every one or two weekends (who knows if he will). I asked if we can sometimes have dinner together with our daughter to give her a sense of normalcy. He said "not just dinner together, I will stay with you at the apartment when I come." He said he's not angry at me, that he's talked to other physicians who are divorced and they all say the same things about their wives so he knows everyone makes the same mistakes and has the same behavior (probably referring to wanting to spend time together, asking for more than the husband can give, etc..). He said he'll never get re-married unless it's to me. He said he wants to start fresh.
I have no idea what's going through my husband's mind. I think his true motive for divorce is to have fun with his 26 year old girlfriend, go out, be single, party, and do whatever he wants without anyone being hurt or angry at him. Then after he gets tired of that it seems like he's considering returning someday.
I can't imagine life in a year or two from now. I don't know if my husband would ever return, if I'd ever take him back, if I'd find someone else...for now I have to get divorced. But I do feel relief knowing my husband wants to spend time with my daughter and I. I would be happy for that because it will give us an opportunity to reconcile, for him to see me under better circumstances, and for our daughter to feel that she has parents who can spend time with her together as a family.
I still wish my husband would change his mind but I don't think he will. For a few seconds tonight he had tears in his eyes as I was telling him that we're doing fine alone and our daughter is getting more independent (I'm not really fine although I am handling everything alone).
I guess I should be thankful that my husband supports me in moving back to our old city. He said he'll move there in about a year after he sells the house. I guess a lot will change in the next year. Maybe I should focus more on the next one year and less about the future beyond that time. I keep feeling afraid of the whole future...all the uncertainty and fear of being divorced. I guess a one year time horizon is more beneficial for now.
I really appreciate everyone's support here. Thanks again for listening.
Ginger, Coconut, and Joe - I responded to your messages above the last one above FYI. I had trouble writing one long post so please see the series of new posts above.
Nicole: I totally get how you miss it over there. It's hard to explain to others that don't know, but when you have a mission you have something to focus towards every day. Something bigger than yourself that affects entire cities, regions, or even countries. Purpose. A lot of people live their lives without any purpose. So now we just have to figure out what our new purpose is, and then set goals to achieve towards that end.
I guess part of these new lives we're building is almost doing what our spouses did to us: start new lives for ourselves. Maybe you can find a way to look at this in that light. Like now what is your mission? What is next for Nicole? What are you going to accomplish next?
I am thinking about going to go back to school after the dust settles from my D. Get the next credential to make my career even better. Move up the ladder, make more, do more, create more. One day at a time.
Because now from this moment forward, there's no reason to NOT make ourselves the best possible versions of us.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Joe, yes, that's exactly right. It's like you read my mind. And now I'm sitting alone in my grief all day with no sense of where I'm headed or where I belong. So you're right it's about figuring out a new purpose in life.
There is one positive thing to report though. I realized all these months since my husband left there's a guy friend in my life who has been encouraging me. I don't know how many times I've texted him when I'm totally broken and he calls right away. He's never gotten tired of hearing me say the same things over and over. He's done some extra special things for my daughter and I lately. I realized here's this guy who's doing everything within his power to make me feel better and all I think about is my husband who walked out the door. I don't know if this guy will ever be more than a friend, but now I really appreciate him. For the first time in six months, one day passed where I wasn't totally in tears or struggling to breath when I realized someone cares so much. I think we all need someone like that if we don't have direct family to help us in these times. Somehow I feel just a little better even though I know the actual divorce process will be difficult.
Nicole, I think you will find more and more people like this in your life. Time and patience. And some effort on your part, too. I've found that everyone I've reached out to has been delighted to help, they just didn't know how.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
It's been a few weeks since I posted. My husband has still done nothing to move forward with the divorce which is a relief because I didn't feel mentally strong enough to go through with it immediately. Things have been more peaceful. My husband doesn't seem angry any more and we've been able to briefly talk normally. Last weekend I took my daughter out-of-town and my husband called to see how it's going and said to let him know if we need anything. That might not sound significant, but it's the first time in months that he's expressed even remote concern for my daughter and I. I posted a while back that my husband talked about visiting us when we move and staying with us and we can do things together. He talked about re-marrying in the future and how there's a 50% chance we'll get back together, despite the fact that he's expressed no interest in doing so any time soon. I assume, although have no way to know, that he's still dating the 26 year old nurse with whom he works.
I still don't feel very stable but I have a close friend with whom I talk frequently now and it's the first time I've felt a little better. For months it felt like I'm bothering someone every time I call them, but now one of my friends started to call and I began to feel like someone cares. The only issue is this is a male friend, an old friend who I've known for decades, so sometimes it's confusing wondering about his intentions. As far as I know we're just friends and he either feels sorry for me or feels lonely as well.
I still see a therapist every week and I still need to do a few more health tests, but my health is a little more stable. I still feel like I'm probably clinically depressed. I'm trying to exercise with my daughter and do as much as possible to give her a normal enriching life. We're supposed to move in April and I hope to start working quickly.
So those are my updates. I guess things could deteriorate at any time but I'm trying to survive the uncertainty and accept that I'll be alone for possibly a long time. I'll turn 40 in April and this is the complete opposite of how my life was a year ago. A year ago my husband was supporting me in the business I started, we were building a house, and we were living a relatively normal life. I guess we can't take anything for granted. I just wish I had foreseen what would happen and acted differently to be the best wife I could be, and to be more forgiving of my husband's previous affair. If that had happened the momentum may have gone in a more positive direction.
I will try to respond more to other posts soon....there are so many new members that I don't recognize anyone and I need to read the new posts from the beginning. I hope soon!
I just wish I had foreseen what would happen and acted differently to be the best wife I could be, and to be more forgiving of my husband's previous affair. If that had happened the momentum may have gone in a more positive direction.
Stop beating yourself up. There's nothing about your H's despicable behavior that leads me to think "if only" you had behaved differently it all would have worked out. Don't forget this is a man who said he wished his daughter hadn't been born!
Let go of him and go out and make a fabulous new life for yourself and your daughter. You both deserve better.
