WW, A ended, but struggling to reconnect (My 11th)

[hoosjim]

I love C-nut's expression. Here is a way to be confident of your decision. Don't put the onus on anyone else. Make the plans!

This actually came up last night at bedtime. Her phone buzzes and she says "My GF says to tell you 'Hi', and that she is really looking forward to seeing me on the girls weekend in May". (My W's GF, the third in the girls troika with her and bff, is a really sweet person, and also a friend of mine from college and someone I like and get along with--not sure what she sees in bff, but...) So that's my opening. I tell her: "About that... I had been planning on taking you away somewhere that weekend to celebrate your birthday, but I had wanted it to be a surprise." "Oh" she says... "BFF picked that weekend with GF because that's the only weekend any time around that date where both of them don't have the kids-- its really the only time we could get together." (Which I'll take at face value-- they do each have sort of bizarre child custody arrangements in terms of timing which probably would make coordinating a whole weekend as opposed to a girls night out difficult. For color, they are just all going to GF's house south of here to hang out and go out to dinner and have a "slumber party".) "Could we go away the previous weekend?" she asks. I am understanding about this, and say so. I do say, FWIW, that "I do wish, as your husband, that bff had called me first to see what I was doing for your birthday, but I understand the scheduling complications... I know from talking to __________ (my friend and bff's STBXH) how crazy the weekend scheduling with their kids can be, so it's cool. I've already got a destination and have been plotting with your coworkers to get you off work, but I can easily book plans the previous week. Just try to act surprised" (at which point i smack her with a pillow and we both laugh-- it's sort of a running gag with us that she is impossible to surprise and always seems to get into or create circumstances where she finds out about surprises ahead of time-- my marriage proposal being the most notable, but that's a whole story to itself.) We talked about it briefly again this morning over the phone-- she called me to say "You're sure you're okay with this?" and I said "Yes, definitely. I understand the dynamics with your friends, and I already have a plan and it works just as well the previous weekend as the weekend after." And she says, "So, do you want any input?" and I say "Whose?" and she says "The only one's who matters, mine (laughs)" and I say, "Hey, im always open to input" so we chat a little more and then she has to go. She sends me a couple of island/beachy pictures... "input", and I text her back "I think you'll be happy be with the plan." (I'm booking us for Cancun-- it was the first real exotic/romantic getaway we had... back when we were just engaged... and she has always talked about wanting to go back... and now she seems willing-- even maybe a little excited(?) to go with me.)

So that's the plan.

Hope it goes well. Would be really nice if we are more... ummm... "cozy" by the time May rolls around.

[Ginger1]

See, this is where I see the difference. BFF doesn't give a crap what you had planned. So why bother telling your W? What do you expect? That your exW says to BFF, you should ask my husband first to see if he is making any plans before you do?"

Your Wife should have said "let me see if my H has anything planned for me first, and I'll get back to you".

Otherwise, she seems excited about the trip. Don't spoil it with BFF crap. The way I see it is, that is for your W to handle, on her own accord.

[hoosjim]

See, this is where I see the difference. BFF doesn't give a crap what you had planned. So why bother telling your W? What do you expect? That your exW says to BFF, you should ask my husband first to see if he is making any plans before you do?"

Your Wife should have said "let me see if my H has anything planned for me first, and I'll get back to you".

Otherwise, she seems excited about the trip. Don't spoil it with BFF crap. The way I see it is, that is for your W to handle, on her own accord.

I think there is may be a valuable nugget in here I am missing.

Other than agreeing that either or both of my W or bff should have asked me... especially W, I think I am missing some of the nuance of your post, could you rephrase/explain some?

FWIW, W did tell me as soon as she got the text from bff saying "I'm planning a girls birthday weekend on X weekend", and showed me the text (without looking, I think it came in on Saturday morning). She didn't "ask" or say "is this okay"...but... it was quite possible, and consistent with the roundabout way she goes at such things sometimes, that she was "woman testing" or giving me the opportunity to say something... idk. I was just so taken aback at that moment that I just let it pass, and she didn't say anything committing to doing it, either. Next time it came up was last night, and had she not gotten the text from GF I was going to bring it up.

But, anyway, yeah-- further clarification/explanation on your post might be helpful. Maybe the only point is, at this point, don't harp on or belabor the bff angle... which I was not going to do. But... if there's more please let me know... I appreciate all you gals' insights on this.

[Ginger1]

I think you expect your BFF to respect your M or have your W make her respect it. Not gonna happen. BFF has got to want to do that on her own, because she owes no allegiance to you. So it is your W who will be responsible for stepping up and saying "let me see what my H has planned and I'll get back to you, if that is indeed her actual birthday. To have any expectation of BFF of giving a sh!t is going to disappoint you. Expressing your disapproval of the way your BFF handled things isn't going ot get you anywhere. Maybe it is your wife you should be expressing your disapproval of the way SHE handled things if it really bothered you. But you seem cool with it and understand, so best to leave it alone.

[hoosjim]

Thanks, G!

[sandi2]

I think you expect your BFF to respect your M or have your W make her respect it. Not gonna happen. BFF has got to want to do that on her own, because she owes no allegiance to you. So it is your W who will be responsible for stepping up and saying "let me see what my H has planned and I'll get back to you, if that is indeed her actual birthday. To have any expectation of BFF of giving a sh!t is going to disappoint you. Expressing your disapproval of the way your BFF handled things isn't going ot get you anywhere. Maybe it is your wife you should be expressing your disapproval of the way SHE handled things if it really bothered you. But you seem cool with it and understand, so best to leave it alone.

I agree.

I'm glad to hear your W sounds excited about your plans. It may be a challenge for you to not allow your feelings toward BFF to push your buttons. It would be a challenge for me, too. But Ginger is right. It is your W that is going to need to set the BFF straight by giving her the appropriate responses.....like the example Ginger stated. That example sounds like what a M woman would say when someone else asked her to go on a trip with them. It's not the W asking for permission from her H. It is the W showing consideration for her partner in M.

[Coconut]

Jim,

I don't know your Wife, but if she has a way of finding out about surprises ahead of time, it may be because she doesn't like surprises. I know for me, knowing I was going somewhere, but not where would stress me out; don't underestimate the endorphins that anticipation brings on.

You may want to finalize your plans, where are you staying, a excursion or two if your doing any, then surprise your W with the details once you know them. Let her anticipate the trip, let her think of things she would like to do while there (if she's the type to like to plan), and share those ideas with you. let her have the next couple months thinking about and talking about spending a great trip with you, Instead of hiding from you that she knows and not being able to talk with you about it.

My personal opinion, surprises are over rated.

[sandi2]

How have things been going? Not hearing from you as often. I hope you aren't going to fade out on us.

[hoosjim]

Quietly encouraging. Sloooow warm-up continues. Dominant male mode seems to be helping some. V-Day "date" and this weekend went pretty well. Intensive MC/IC on 2/21. W still no communion or confession at church, though she is attending. Will post more detail soon.

[sandi2]

Okay, I am anxiously waiting.