I appreciate you keeping an eye on my situation and your post above should send out a positive vide to all those that stand for their family/children and their MR. I'm in an unfortunate position as you'll know that I can't truly detach due to my commitments! So I use the time to demonstrate that I am indeed moving on, the post says that the ONLY reason this episode came about is because I intend to travel around Europe for a month to celebrate my 50th no kids no wife so it had to be said.
Is this GAL'ing? We are seeing less and less of each other and it doesn't bother me in fact I prefer it, I am getting used to the single life.
I do believe in deterioration and the impact of time, the time my WW as given me I intend to us to better me and my boys, I give the rest less and less headspace but find it difficult to express this to the people here as I don't use the words well enough.
At least the last 6-8 months it's only been the boys and me I really don't care what she does when or who with I'm just not bothered.
You made your way back to your H, you are proof it's not a "pipe dream" I hear it all the time and hold out hope my WW like you sees the better option for all involved.
Thank you.
Mark
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Have been separated from WW coming up to a year (13th Feb) and spinning my wheels massively, everything seems to have moved into a “normal” existence. We STILL have F2F but these are becoming less and less, basically when it’s my turn to have our children WW no longer comes round but instead either calls or FaceTime’s.
We get along well as long has she gets her way BUT she is slowly learning to not push so much knowing that I’ll hold my own if I feel I’m justified in doing so. Most negative discussions revolve around us having our boys with both unwilling most of the time to move if it’s our turn but being the “adult” I tend to find a solution that works for both parties.
I STILL fall off the DR wagon sometimes but am beginning to see in advance these moments bubbling up in front of me and really should know better but am only human…
As I’ve said in earlier posts time does help! An example - just recently she made a comment about her having our boys when they’re scheduled to be with me but as it’s her birthday she’s got plans to celebrate “as a family” OM/LO included. < This maybe 6-months ago would have been massively hurtful but now although hurtful I can understand that she’s moved on with someone else and leave it at that. What would I gain from making an issue out of this ^^^^..?
What has happened and you can see from my most recent posts is that I maneuvered myself (bad move) into a position where I outlined my continued stance on standing for my MR and family, this stance still hasn’t changed but at the very least shows her someone who can be trusted is committed to the family and honest to the core. This I hope will be the one and only time I do this and instead try and detach better and enjoy my life with our children whilst she continues her journey.
The A continues unabated with no signs of any cracks in their R and this to be honest is helping me realise that whilst they enjoy their life I’ve put mine on hold which needs to be addressed, I know GAL better… It is strange sometimes as WW seems to live a “Jackal & Hyde” type existence!
An example…
Recently I Facetimed our boys when they were at home as I always do and S10 had an issue with the Wi-Fi and a lousy connection, normally I would have solved the issue and all would have been good so expected AP/LO to step in. S10 solved the issue and WW mentioned after S10 told her he’d fixed the issue “well I suppose you’re now the man of the house” and I continued to talk to S10. There have been other times… WW would “suggest” that she’ll sleep with a certain large cuddly toy of S8 as she misses him, this toy is the size of a small boy and in fact larger than S8! You can imagine my mind spiraling out of control which is the hardest thing I’m having to manage and is constantly tough for me.
My concerns… 1. I’m enabling her A – I know I shouldn’t give it headspace BUT why would she want to come back to a R where she has to be with a family 24-7! Presently she can be with our boys 50% of the time then hand them to me and basically act single for the other 50% of the time and enjoy all the privileges that brings. 2. I’m struggling with seeing any hope that what I do can bring a positive solution to this part in my life, separation although massively helpful in keeping my sanity is also allowing me to feel like she/they are falling into a normal R and me finding it harder and harder to see us both together again. I just don’t see us ever being intimate with each other again! That being said there is solid research that with normality comes the same issues any normal MR brings, has she learnt anything that will allow this A R to evolve into a LTR or will this end and she move onto her next LO who knows… 3. Her AP/LO is a co-worker who she sees every day, I can’t ever see NC with him and so RC is almost impossible. 4. She has always been a career driven person and as such again can’t see her giving her job up to work at RC.
I am slowly getting to the point where I’m facing defeat but again will not file for D as I will NOT be the person who’ll end this family, that again is something she as to face as a consequence of her A.
Thanks for reading.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I am slowly getting to the point where I’m facing defeat but again will not file for D as I will NOT be the person who’ll end this family, that again is something she as to face as a consequence of her A.
Mark,
It's not a defeat. Right or wrong, your wife has decided to move on with her life. You can't control what she does, but you can move on with your own life. You need to focus on building a wonderful life for yourself and your children. If your wife changes her mind, then you can see where things go from there, but pining for what your life was is not going to help because that's gone forever.
You made your way back to your H, you are proof it's not a "pipe dream" I hear it all the time and hold out hope my WW like you sees the better option for all involved.
in the words of our good friend Shakespeare as spoken through our good friend Hamlet, "aye, there's the rub."
you see, my H did not hold on to the dream... he let it all go... he was not there waiting for me--hoping i would return... it is indeed a paradox... letting go which makes room for holding on... in this regard, you can't hold on in order to keep... adelante...
Just thinking out loud what the forums views were on timelines and WS?
As mentioned many times here eventually things for us BS start to look better and better, we find a kind of “new life” where we strive to make ourselves better whilst being there for the kids.
I was wondering if anybody had noticed whilst we BS are on a slooooow upward turn our WS are beginning to see a slooooow downward turn? Does our timescale for getting to a better place parallel our WS timescale for possible regret!
I continue to hold out hope that the limerent effect on my WW will eventually fade leaving her with a sense of what could have been with her new and improved LBH and “Superdad”!
"Onwards and upwards".
Wishing you all well.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I was wondering if anybody had noticed whilst we BS are on a slooooow upward turn our WS are beginning to see a slooooow downward turn? Does our timescale for getting to a better place parallel our WS timescale for possible regret!
I don't think it's a linear exchange, but yeah I think there is something to that. Eventually the LBS lets go of the idea that the only path to happiness is through the WAS. They drop the rope and move on with their life. They think about the WAS less and less. Meanwhile the WAS often discovers their new free-wheeling life isn't all unicorns and rainbows like they expected. They also find the problems that they blamed the LBS for are (surprise!) still following them around. Sometimes there is an awakening, and sometimes there is not. I've been divorced 4 years now, I have a GF but my XW has just dated a little here and there without success. So does she want to get back together? I've certainly seen no indication of that at all.
Anyway I'm not saying to quit waiting, a year isn't really that long for a WAS timeline. It can take years for them to come out of the fog and find the LBS attractive again. But I am saying that you can't saw whether recon is in your future or not, so you have to start living your life in a way that you are OK with either outcome.
It never ceases to amaze me how these wayward people act!
Last night (Thursday) my WW came around and dropped off S8 after picking him up from a play date, the interaction for the past 6+ months has been very civil and I suppose friendly. Whilst waiting on S10 to greet her she mentioned the upcoming Easter holidays, the Saturday and Sunday are my days on our rota and I mentioned that I was wanting to have dinner with them on the Sunday.
Instantly the mood changed! The stranger/alien had returned with a vengeance, I have been slowly working on seeing her less and less especially over the weekends with me trying to instigate a “this is your weekend to have them and this is mine” not I have them for a few hours then WW comes to pick them up for a few hours. Anyway I said I was planning on having them on the Sunday but was told that she and her family were expecting them for dinner – I stood my ground.
A cold chill fell over the house and communication totally stopped between WW and I, WW went and talked to S10 for a few minutes then left clearly upset.
Approximately 2 hours later as expected I get a text from WW stating “What time are you letting me see my boys on Easter Sunday then?” “In the past when it’s been my nights I have brought them round to you for a few hours as you have them to me, do not see what has changed?” She also mentioned again that not only were the boys grandparents expecting them but also their 2-year old cousin who they adore! It would have been just my boys and I so after a little while thinking about the hurt it would cause not to WW as I’m little interested in that but to the rest of the boys extended family and them I relented and said I would arrange something another time with them and let me know what time she was to pick them up. < Still waiting on a response…
I’m a classic MNG which I’m ruthlessly trying to work on BUT find it really difficult to stand my ground when other people are involved, if she were to say “me and AP/LO are having Easter Sunday lunch with my boys and play happy families” < this would have had a totally different outcome.
What this has pointed out to me is where WW still is in her journey (physical S over a year 13th Feb 2017) she is very much still engrossed in her addiction. I don’t know what the board thinks but I feel slowly I’m chipping away at MNG, and getting to a point where I NEED to have as little contact as I can with her and just let it be. Also just under the surface nothing has changed within her and she’s still and quite probably will be the same WW she was at BD well over a year ago.
Patience is key but we have a saying in the UK “flogging a dead horse” I’ll continue to stand but am getting to the point where I see life go by and me standing still.
Thanks for reading my drivel.
Take Care.
M.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I guess I don't understand why you think she'd still be in limerance and/or "addicted" to the affair? It's been over a year since you separated, right? That merely chemical stuff will have dissipated quite some time ago.
Sometimes, people decide they don't want to be married any longer, and that's really just that. Your penultimate paragraph shows me you know this. Life is going by. Remember that we only get one of them!
Also, regardless of where you are (or aren't) in terms of dropping the rope, I think you need a written, signed parenting plan each of you can consult that determines who gets the kids when, especially for major holidays like Easter, Christmas, etc. Negotiating this sort of thing the weekend before a major holiday is going to result in hurt feelings and, with your dynamics, a steamrolled Parkema more often than not. When this steamrolling ceases to happen, you'll know you've turned a real, important corner (one which has to be turned if you're ever going to be attractive to her or anyone else).
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Hey man! I am a bit unclear on how your division of time is with the kids on the weekend. Do you share a few hours on both Saturdays and Sundays?
Anyways, not super relevant to what I want to say, but just curious to see how you've done the split.
What I have noticed is that as soon as things don't go their way, the vengeance and anger comes right out. I've seen that happen with my W, and I have seriously limited my contact with her.
What I would suggest is that you become more proactive in your communications about your plans with the kids. Don't wait for her to tell you what she wants to do. She should've told you her plans, and you should've told her your plans. It can be he should do that, she should do that. Don't play that game.
If you know what you're doing, just let her know in advance and as clearly as possible so that there can be no confusion later. If she doesn't like your plan, then you can decide to negotiate or take the next steps.
All I am saying is that be proactive with kid communications. That's the only thing that I do to break NC if my plans are going to conflict with her time or if there is ambiguity about what's happening.
I had a recent scene like this where I thought I had clearly stated what was happening with the division of time with the kids, and she interpreted that differently. Now, I thought it was absolutely clear, but she decided to read it differently. So, instead of arguing with her about it, I just made a mental note to myself about making it so clear that it could not be disputed.
For e.g. - I will keep the kids from x date (school afternoon pick up) till x date (drop them off in the morning), and you will keep them from x date (afternoon pick up) till x date (drop them off in the morning).
Just be ahead of her and if she rages, that's her problem.
