Should i leave the house or stay?

[Neutral]

Thanks for those words, that shows me that i may indeed be on the right path here.

Actually, i believe i just "adjusted" pretty quickly to the whole situation, because i have told myself over and over again that no matter what i will NOT want a R with her again IF it is not a completely renewed one from both sides! What is the point if we're gonna be doing this whole thing over again in a few months time? Might as well do it right now or not at all!

Maybe it's also just a matter of her having kind of lost her "charm" or her hold over me emotionally. I was very dependent on her during practically all our marriage and i only NOW realize that i can do this on my own, that i can be my own man and survive without her. This kind of scares her i think, well rather the thought of being ALONE scares her, not so much losing ME, but then that may just be the pessimist in me talking, that is speculation after all.

[Neutral]

Update:

Well crap... Just when i thought things could kind of "settle" down a little with me keeping my distance like i was and her sort of accepting that, things escalated tonight!!!

She was alone upstairs, so when i got back she again told me how lonely she felt so i just sat beside her and gave her a friendly hug just to show her support in a way, but that i can't give her anything else atm.

Well, i guess that's just not good enough for her, because all of a sudden she burst out screaming at me how i should just make a ****ing choice to either get the h@l out or be with her!! That i have no respect for HER feelings and just look after myself. That I get to decide what is the right thing to do (distance between us) and that she has no say in that.

It's like she forgot what she did a while ago (BD) and what that did to me. It's normal i guess since her empathy chip is broken right? Maybe it's my fault in the way that i never really told her how she broke my heart by dropping that bomb though? She MUST have noticed it though....

Ugh i really don't know what to do or say anymore, driving me nuts right now.

If i COULD just leave like that i would, i really would. What about our son though? Right now she's dead set on me either staying and being with her again OR leaving the house and our son.

No middle ground right? Well, too bad that my actual goal is to eventually be with my family again but not NOW since it's freaking impossible right now?

[Neutral]

Update again:

So we talked the day after and things have calmed down again (LOL i know i know, there's a pattern here right?)

Still though, i feel that at least PARTLY she has understood a little of what i had to say. Either way though, i am now willing to give her a chance, strictly on a platonic level though, i am not ready for anything more, and i hope she understands that because it is all i can give for now.

I just need more confidence in what i am doing and stick to the PLAN d@mnit! I now decided to STAND so i will, and i need to be more patient, that is the name of the game and i am having trouble with reminding myself of this every single time she goes nuts...

[Kyh]

Hi N,

I don't have much to offer for advice, you're situation is difficult. What you wrote about her partly understanding reminded me of early into this (before I found out about mlc, this site, etc.) when I was trying to deal w/xw and talking to her rationally. During a possible moment of clarity (but who knows) I asked her to go to m counseling. She agreed but then the next day told me I "tricked" her into it and monstered. I guess what I'm saying is that they change on a dime so don't put stock in her listening to rational thinking. Maybe it is a good thing but keep your expectations at zero.

I like what you wrote about sticking to a plan. It's hard to be consistent when in the mix of things but for me, once I could be calm and consistent, was when I finally got away from the madness (mostly anyway).

[Neutral]

Update:

So we're going on a vacation this weekend, for a whole week. Mostly to get some sunny days since this winter has really been depressing in addition to this whole thing with grey skies and cold, dreary weather for what feels like 3 or 4 months straight

We'll see how it goes i guess, it will be good for the kid either way.

Today she told me how she was feeling lonely even though she was standing right next to her husband and her son. I just said "i know the feeling" and we kinda left it at that...

I kinda feel like we are somewhat stuck in this situation, neither of us really knows what to do move things forward, and neither of us really wants to take decisive steps to end our relationship/marriage. Not sure how long this can go on like this...

Anyway, i'll report back once we get back from the vacation!

[Gordie]

Good luck on the vacation. Will you be sleeping in the same bed? I’d just focus on the kids and having a good time...for them. Extended periods with your spouse in close quarters can be exhausting so do take care and maybe schedule some alone time just for yourself. Wake up before everyone else and watch the sunrise. Something like that.

How long can you stay in limbo? Here’s the secret: you can choose to answer that question just for today. You don’t need to make long term plans at this stage. Take your time. No pressure on her or you. One day at a time.

[Neutral]

Thanks Gordie, that sounds like good advice, and we do have more rooms available this time, but i honestly don't know yet what will happen. If it is like at home, then i sometimes sleep in another room and sometimes in our main bedroom. This happens mainly when she feels very lonely and asks me to be there (nothing sexual) to sleep better... I haven't agreed to that for a long time but recently i kinda softened up and agreed. I guess i will file that under "kind/loving but detached" ugh.

The thing with the long term thing is that i have always been a guy that wanted to know where things were headed, planning EVERYTHING in advance and only taking on battles i knew i could win. Well i guess that attitude doesn't serve me all that well with things to come here so i will try and focus on one day at a time for now.

[Neutral]

So we're back from our little vacation and...

I guess overall things went OK! I mean, we got into a fight once where i had to actually leave the place to get some air for things not to escalate further. When i got back, she was a lot calmer, so i gave her a hug and things went well for the rest of our time there. I guess overall we're being a lot nicer to each other but that is maybe more due to the fact that i am now somewhat "catering" to her needs more and just kind of getting better at accepting the fact that things will be different from now on.

She IS trying to start things with me once in a while, like she's trying to seduce me but i won't have it and i think she is starting to get that now.

On the way home we had a pretty big talk where i was brutally honest with her and i told her that the reason i can't take her back right now is because she flat out broke my heart and i need time to heal and to see that things can be stable again. Well, she was VERY surprised to hear that!!! She would have never guessed that she broke my heart by doing what she did!! LOL, i mean how far removed from reality can you BE?? That is not what i told her obviously but i thought to myself "well DUH, when the love of your life that you have been with for nearly 20 years and that you envisioned the rest of your life with basically tells you it's over and she wants divorce, OF COURSE you're gonna be freaking heart-broken!!!"

Anyway, i kept my cool and we had a good long talk and as usual i am not sure ANY of this sticks in the long term but it felt good to get it off my chest anyways!

Things have been quieter, calmer now and i am not sure to take that as a good sign or not but hey, i take what i can get right?

She is still very self absorbed, and kind of does the same things as before but i get the feeling that she is less angry with me now, though who knows how long that will last lol.

[Neutral]

Update:

So basically... we had a "discussion" yesterday evening that got somewhat heated and it was actually her telling me that i am ignoring her efforts to get back together, so she got mad and it ended with her kinda giving me an Ultimatum "Either love me, or leave me"

And you know what? She's right! I mean... i AM purposely giving her the cold shoulder when she has tried multiple times now to initiate intimacy...

The thing is, it just doesn't feel RIGHT you know? I don't feel that warmth, that vulnerability, that LOVE emanating from her like it used to before her MLC. All i see is the MLCer that is more pre-occupied with her new fun life than with me and so i am not sure what she is trying to do exactly when she is initiating intimacy?? Does she do it just to see how i react? DOes she genuinely believe that a serious relationship is possible the way she is right now? Does she just want casual sex?

Honestly, i feel like i'd be betraying myself and all i have now fought for by giving in.

But then, on the other hand, maybe i am just scared? I am so afraid of getting hurt again that i'd rather not give her a chance... Yes she IS "imperfect" right now, she is unstable and volatile and messy and totally contradictory. A part of her is also the woman i used to love and still do love though.

What do you guys think? If she really wants to give it a shot, won't i be destroying my chances by rejecting her now? My gut tells me to not give in but i have been wrong before about these things and i am really confused

[Neutral]

Ok just ranting here:

I don't get this woman. I mean... the last couple days she was somewhat "tender" towards me, hugging me, always searching for physical contact, even gave me a kiss on the cheek the other day while we were just sitting there playing cards with our son.

So i kinda took all that as at least SOMEWHAT "positive" signs right? Sure, i know, always keeping my expectations in check but it showed me that she sort of still cares a little about me at least right?

Then today, she tells me that her new best friend, and i won't call him OM (yet?) because apparently he's gay (i'm not naive btw but then i also kinda do believe her at the same time) suggested they go on a vacation for a weekend or 3 days to a foreign city.

She's all excited now and they were planning their stay and details about the trip all day long via text messaging, she basically was texting all day long with only few intermissions...

Yeah. I KNOW what that sounds like, but then i don't get those conflicting signals she is sending me, like why hug me and show me affection? Is it possible that she really DOES only want to go there with him as a friend? Am i making myself go crazy because of maybe unfounded jealousy?

And yes i know that even if there is no sexual component to them, it's always kind of emotional cheating right? When you are THAT absorbed by somebody else, then that kind of does take things too far doesn't it?

As you can see it's VERY hard for me to differentiate here from what is right and wrong and how much is ENOUGH for me? Where do i draw the line? You'll probably tell me that only I can answer that question sigh...

Anyway i can sort of "feel" that she is torn and undecided still and doesn't know what she wants and maybe we need to take it a step further to find out? She even said the other day "maybe we do need to divorce to find out whether we are supposed to be together or not"

Thoughts, comments, all appreciated!