It's funny looking back everything that all the vets said where absolutely true. Early on it is very hard to see the forest through the trees and your hanging onto every word your WAS says.
Truth of the matter is like AS says they are so far gone more than you would ever know or think. By the time we all arrive the damage has been done and we are in triage mode trying to stop the bleeding. The script is all the same but everyone's WAS is different and that is the part we can't control. IMO the quicker you adapt the principals on the board the quicker you will heal but I don't think it matters at all to the WAS. Over time, potentially but not in the near future.
Anyway, I have no regrets. It has been a very rewarding journey. It is good to have hope but not so much hope that it prevents you from detaching and moving on. Detaching is definitely a process and not a light switch.
The pursuit and distance concept did not workout for me. It might have brought her closer to the extent the pressure was removed but it did not bring her closer wanting to know about my life, what I was doing, it never caused her to ask more questions or to show an interest in my comings and goings. I do know that it helped me heal which is more important.
The pursuit and distance concept did not workout for me. It might have brought her closer to the extent the pressure was removed but it did not bring her closer wanting to know about my life, what I was doing, it never caused her to ask more questions or to show an interest in my comings and goings. I do know that it helped me heal which is more important.
Well, I'd say the distance definitely helped you heal, the most important part of all. So yeah, it was worth doing.
All we can do is create a scenario where the WAS has the opportunity to change direction. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't. The desire for them to come back has to come from inside them, and that's something we have no control over.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Yes, I agree H. I would not have don't anything different. There have been times where I felt like sending her a letter or having that one last conversation for closure. Then I snap back to reality and say F-that.....she isn't getting that from me.
I do believe I created the scenario but she doesn't have the desire. All my changes have stuck since I did them for me so I am happy, confident and ready to 100% let her go. I let her go with love, strength, compassion and my head held high. I have no regrets and wish her all the happiness in the world.
Thanks Nef....I will admit it has been hard to get to this place. For example:
My W is a teacher so we have never been forced to find child care when they don't have school. Now since we are going through the D process she has essentially said that she is no longer going to care for them when it is my week to have them. So if they are out of school and it is my week I am responsible for either taking time off our making arrangements for them.
Her changing her stance really upset me at first been then when I think about it and process my emotions I realize that since it is my week there is nothing I can do to force her to take them. Spring Break is coming up and it is my week to have them. She is off all week and now I will have to take vacation time to be home with them when normally she would just watch them.
I guess unless she volunteers to take them or agrees to switch weeks (which she won't) it is just one of the consequences of D.
Yeah but it gets easier. The first time a got a document from my lawyer I got this sinking feeling in my stomach. Now when I do I am like yes I hope this is over.
You are through the worst of it. I still have to tell my kids. That will be the worst part.
About 5-10 newbies this week. How would you like to start over again?
Closing on my refinance tomorrow. Things are starting to look up!
J9, I got the same ppw filled it out same day sent in all documents needed the same day and made appointment to go over with L. I asked to make the process go as fast as possible. L said ok...
The question on one form asks do you want to R I circled NO. Also it asks for potential witnesses, all my children are adults so there is no custody issues. I just view all this as part of the process, not worried in the least as my W has been told the house has to be sold.
Head up J9 you are going to do great for your children
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
Hey LH.....thanks man! I agree, the pit in my stomach gets a little less each time I take a new step in the process. I am looking forward to this being over with as well. I don't worry about nearly as much as I used to. I am now starting to think about what it will feel like when I finally see her with OM and he meets my kids. I hope I am so far detached by that point it won't even matter but something tells me no matter what it will probably sting a bit.
I am also starting to entertain the thoughts of meeting other women as well. I am not 100% ready yet but hopefully after a few months I will feel confident enough and detached enough from my STBXW to put myself out there a little bit. Not a huge priority so we shall see.
Telling your kids will be a rough family moment. I still remember when we did it and our kids crying and all of us hugging. I remember when we sat them down my oldest thought we were going to tell them what our vacation plans where. It impacted my 6 yr old more than my 8 yr old and while I hate that we are no longer a family they are happy and well adjusted so I know that is most important.
Ah yes, the newbies. What an awful time in my life and there is nothing you can do to take away the pain. All you want is some answers and most of us will never get them. I remember clinging on to every word, every interaction and you/ACC were right it was about the loss of control. I was a pretty strict DBer and while it didn't save my MR I know it saved me and helped me heal/detach etc. in a more timely manner. Sometimes I feel like this place is the Walking Dead and they just keep coming. I have had to step away for a while because it becomes too depressing at times.
I am happy for you that your feeling good and looking forward to your new life. I bet you are feeling some relief and hopefully excitement as you move on to your next adventure. You have made tremendous progress yourself my friend and should proud of yourself and how far you have come. Life is a journey full of twists and turns, ups and downs, good times and bad times and this to shall pass.
So what did you decide about letting your W stay in the house? any timeline?
Head up J9 you are going to do great for your children
Thanks BH....sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Like just one time go off on my W, yell, scream and tell her all the things that I have had to process and deal with until now. It would be all about me but sometimes I just get wore down taking the high road, being the better man, etc. etc. etc. Let her know how unacceptable this is, to not even want to work on things, how you could be so selfish, yada, yada, yada. Sometimes I feel like I have made this process so easy for her and does she really understand how lucky she is and what kind of person she is walking away from.
I know I am venting but at times I still struggle.
