My ex responded kindly to my email which was nice. I wasn't sure if she would or not. I sent cards to her, her siblings and my daughter on Thursday night. A card for my son I left on the table for him - no sense wasting a stamp. I'll do a donation in the name of my ex in-laws today or tomorrow to their local hospital as my ex suggested.
The shared location app - Life360 - that the kids and I use allowed me limited insight into S23's activities. I think he turned on data to update the location or it may have been coincidental. Don't know, doesn't matter.
S23 left on Thursday and spent the night at OM's house presumably with his mother. No note, no information, no surprise. I texted him that the light was left on for him and there were fresh cookies on the counter. No response, no surprise. Since his dress shoes were still here I expected him to stop by home before the memorial.
Nope - he went to the memorial yesterday and presumably did his duty. I feel bad for him, there would have been a lot of tension and drama even without this being OM's first public viewing as my ex's partner. I'm sure that the gossip mills are in full force in that clan now especially since my ex's siblings were strong enabling forces in her decision to continue her affair. Something I will never forgive them for. Does that make me a bad person, or just human? I'll pick door #2. There is no possible reality I can see where they didn't spread the news that she left that horrible old AndrewP for this guy. Hopefully S23 wasn't around for any of that. He wouldn't take it well.
No response to the text last night again letting him know the light was on for him and that there continued to be cookies, but less than before. He stayed overnight in the city where the memorial was.
Texted this morning about groceries letting him know I would just by extra of the usual. Response to that of OK. He wasn't really close to his grandparents so he's not going to be too broken up about that. I'm very proud of him for doing the family duty, probably needing to be the "rock" for his mother that I would have been. OM hasn't proven to be too reliable in the past from the little I know.
I've been left to mourn alone but I did put up a brief note on Facebook and was overwhelmed with the love and support from friends and family.
3 more sleeps before I am off on vacation. It's callous of me to say this, but it was "convenient" that this happened before so that I could respond in a timely way. I'm somewhat nervous, and like events like this in the past, I feel reluctance to go and "put myself out there" but also know from past experience that when I do that, that it works out well. I'm planning on setting myself a goal of walking at least 10km each day. There are some nature areas I want to explore again, plus the Xanadu bar at the Varadero golf course which is on my "must visit" list each time for a mojito or perhaps two and to enjoy the amazing view that place affords. ExquisiteToBe - If I run out of sun screen, can you pick me some up and bring it down? I still haven't figured out how to put it on my back by myself. "Many" people suggest that I'll just easily find a compliant person to help. Not so sure about that.
S23 will have a quiet week and half by himself in the house with the girls (cats) plus whatever work shifts he may get. The land of precarious and temporary work I think is becoming the norm for many young people. I expect that his mother and her family were nagging at him about "getting a job". I think he'll enjoy the quiet, peace and lack of judgement that he has in our HOME.
Unlikely that I'll update before my trip - everyone please be kind to yourselves - updates in a couple of weeks. Lots of pictures on Facebook for those of you who can see them.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Be sure to buy plenty of food for the "girls" and hopefully your son will remember to feed and water them daily and clean their litter boxes for them.
Go, have fun and relax...you've earned this vacation!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Andrew {{{{{{{xoxoxoxo}}}}}}} Safe travels, Godspeed and enjoy your well-deserved down time. Of course you will find willing people to help with the sunscreen challenges
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hope you enjoy some much needed R & R. Looking forward to hearing all about your travels.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Be careful with son, as you always are. I believe you when you say he was not close to his grandparents but sometimes when one is upset about one thing (his parents’ D), something unrelated can trigger greater than expected reactions. Enjoy your vacation.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Well - I'm back from vacation and have a few thoughts to share.
I purposely went to a favourite resort that my ex and I used to frequent in Cuba, planning on "reclaiming it" / "re-conquering" it. I'd always liked it although she kept pushing for better and better places - from her point of view. She did get that in 2016 in Mexico which was when and where she dropped the bomb on me. In 2017 she went to Roatan with the money from the joint savings account and OM. No clue where / if she has gone anywhere this year. I liked this place. It was modest and convenient to interesting places. The staff is excellent.
I did forget that there is some critter there that perhaps on my long walks chewed away on my legs giving me another outbreak of cellulitis but that's neither here nor there and I did remember to take insect bite cream and that helped.
The flight and such went smoothly. Traveling alone has some benefits in that you don't have to bother about coordinating with others. I was seated next to a very pretty and pleasant young lady and had a laugh when the flight attendant asked if we were a couple as she handed out forms.
The weather was ideal with warm temperatures and warm tropical breezes - sometimes a bit stiff. The ocean was warm and inviting, an invitation I accepted a few times despite only being a poor swimmer.
There were a few challenges with the stay there of a purely practical viewpoint. Air conditioning that it took them a few days to get working right, the critters that chewed on me (sand fleas perhaps?), but the biggest thing to talk about here were the ghosts. We'd stayed there 3 times perhaps and for the first few days I kept looking around to see where my "other half" was. I'd pass by familiar places in the town and on the resort that we had shared and feel a ghostly presence.
The worst part was the nightmares. A couple of the days I will confess that I had a bit too much from the open bar and just crashed but on a couple of nights, especially the night that the air conditioner failed completely, there were very nasty nightmares, reliving the worst of the old in-house separation days. Perhaps the infection from the bug-bites added to this - don't know. I did have a couple of nights without nightmares, especially towards the end.
So - I went for a "lot" of walks. I still have to assemble the numbers but over the course of the week I walked probably near to 100km. That perhaps didn't help my cellulitis but it helped my mind. I visited the old DuPont estate and had a very warm and healing time in the top floor ballroom listening to a local musician playing jazz with the sound of light surf outside the open window and having a couple of the best mojitos in the known world. I ate a lot of fish being as fresh fish is one of my more favourite things plus it's good for me. I would joke to people that pre-BD and on my ID I looked like a sad walrus, so the sad walrus cavorted in the sea for hours at a time, just drifting around (safely inside the outer sand bar)
I have some good memories and met some very nice people. One evening I took a chance and asked a lady who appeared to be alone if I could join her for dinner at the resort. She was very nice, from Finland and we had a great chat where we talked about a number of things but I did disagree on her thoughts that Canadian hockey was only good because of the Finnish players. She was a bit embarrassed it seemed to mention that she was expecting her first grandchild soon but got a lot more comfortable when I talked about my own wishes for that. There were a couple of groups of people that I met that I would interact with a few times, having a drink with them or going for a stroll as part of the group.
One big difference from prior trips in that last bit was (and it used to annoy me) that my ex would immediately bond to some people on one of these trips or even community events, usually fairly needy people, and we would spend all of our time with them rather than mingling more generally. I always thought this odd since I always figured that my ex was an outgoing extrovert.
A key thing that I realized is that, especially after a few drinks when I was meeting people and chatting with them, that I found myself feeling a need to explain that I was there alone and why. I got a lot of sympathy and a few sad looks from people the next day. I need to stop doing that and actually move on. I know people who have been divorced after infidelity for a decade or more who still talk about it but I need to be conscious of this. I did feel quite uncomfortable though about being alone. Not that I was looking to pair up with anyone, not even the nice lady from Finland. But as a guy of middle years who in any conversation would start talking about his kids and how proud he is of them, it seems awkward to not also explain that "oh-yeah - I'm divorced and it wasn't my idea". I don't want to be perceived as an untrustworthy philanderer. I need to figure this out. I'm sure that 98% of anyone that I encounter doesn't care.
I did have quite a number of people suggest to me before and during the trip that while I was there that I should get a "Cuban girlfriend" - er - no - not interested in that complexity.
While I was there I also did a "lot" of reading - not a lot of other things to do. In addition to some very boring (to others) books I had a copy of CS Lewis' - The Great Divorce. It's a short work that is fascinating and I recommend it to others. It's not talking at all about divorce. What it is instead is a work talking about heaven / hell, perception vs reality, and forgiveness. It may be tricky to find (I have mine electronically) but I do recommend it, especially for those of us later on this journey who tend to the philosophical. I'm not going to give my thoughts on the work to give others the chance to form their own opinions but I did find my mind opened by it in ways that a short work rarely does.
I'm home now and after 2 loads of laundry (was on my last pair of skivvies) crashed for 12 solid hours of sleep getting up once to check my temperature (a bit high). I'm back to work tomorrow.
So - to just conclude, seeing ghosts is difficult. Right now from the perspective I have at the moment, I see that trip as having been a bad idea, not counting the bug bites. I did face my ghosts and they are now smaller I think, but to what long term effect? I don't know. They were a lot bigger than they would have been because of the death of my ex-in-laws a few days prior to the trip and me reaching out to my ex with love and kind thoughts. Did dealing with my ghosts in this fashion help or hurt me in the long term? In the short term, it was painful.
I don't see myself going on a similar trip alone again. No idea what future vacations may hold.
Thanks for listening.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am glad you arrived home safely. I'm sorry about the Ghosts of the past, but you faced them and now can move forward. It's difficult visiting places where you've been w/your ex, especially places that you enjoyed.
Sorry about the critter bites. Rubbing alcohol may have helped end their biting of your legs...however, hopefully now that you are home, your legs will be feeling better soon.
BTW, you've been missed on the Forum, but we all know how it is and that sometimes you need a break and enjoy life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome home Andrew, yes you were missed and {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} Cellulitis is dangerous - be mindful! xoxoxo stay on top of it. Things can go South with that very very quickly.
You know, I'd guess that with some time (four letter word) and distance you might view this vacation being a bad idea a little differently. As Job said, ghosts faced and you never have to do that again.
I for one am proud of you for doing that. Also, yes, it's awkward and we need to all find a way to present ourselves with being defined by the D. I trust we will figure all that out in the fullness of time.
xoxoxoxo
Happy Valentine's Day !
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
