Hey, just wanted to bump up my new thread with a question from my previous.
I am meeting up with her this Saturday to do the wedding gifts; and I assume look over the dissolution papers. Any advice for how I should approach Saturday. I figured splitting the gifts will not be hard; but when we go over the dissolution papers. Do I just sign away; do I ask her if this is really what she wants, do I say - if your not going to commit to gaining forgiveness from me and doing whatever it takes; as I will, I will sign...
Just looking for possible comments made by her, and the best ways to address them. Thank you in advance.
Thank you Russ and S for the responses earlier!!
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
I agree with JRuss......I would not ask her if this is what she wants. If your comfortable with is in them I wouldn’t say a thing and sign them or already have them signed when she shows up and give them to her. Let her do the work from there if she wants to file them.
Chris--i agree with the others... don't restate... she knows what she needs to do... she may not be there yet--meaning, she may not believe the new Chris is really the REAL Chris... show her by your actions that the new you is REAL... don't waver... i am pretty sure she will find the new REAL Chris more attractive than the push-over Chris... she may not be ready to admit that yet... it does not matter... now if she asks you if this is what you really want, what will you say? you need to have this resolved before you meet--just in case...
I am not ready for a D; but it pretty obvious she is making not effort to meeting my needs of NC, sharing phone records, MC, and doing what ever it takes to show me she is 100% committed to recon.
If she asks, I might say something like..."I cannot have this same conversation again, I believe I made it clear a couple times in the past that this is not what I want; but I will not stand in your way. It would take extreme effort and 100% commitment on both of us to reconcile and move forward with a new relationship."...
That is just of the top of my head.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Mentioning recon is like pursuit, so don't go there with her unless she brings it up. She knows what she has to do to fix things, so there's no need to remind her.
If she asks if this is what you really want, just say "I told you I wouldn't stand in your way". She might try to push you to reveal more. Don't give it to her.
I think she wants you to beg her to stay, maybe just for the ego boost she'll get. She's always tried to play this game with you - "Chris, I'm leaving unless you try to stop me."
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Hey y'all. I will try to re-cap the past couple days.
Yes, we did meet up on Saturday (2/3/18) at her house. I arrived around 2pm to her house to unload the U-Haul (we did it at her place because I live on the top floor of an apt and she has a ranch); so it was easy to unload. We spent about 2 1/2 hrs splitting up the gifts as best we could. We had to look up some prices to make sure it was even for the most part. She seemed a little distraught the whole time, as I was upbeat (business-like) and wanting to finish.
After we finished with the gifts, we loaded up the U-Haul with the stuff I was taking back with me; and then went inside to look over the dissolution papers. I had already had them reviewed and looked over them a couple times, but had a few questions; we squared everything away. As I told her I wanted to get going so I could get home before dark she asked; "What do you think about all of this"?
I chose my words carefully and said "I explained to you, I would not stand in your way if this is truly what you want". She said; "oh comon, can we just talk and not give me an answer like your a therapist?" That is when we got into a deep R talk. She told me how over the past six months all see wanted was to hang out and see if something was still salvageable between us. And I explained to her, how I thought that was extremely disrespectful (that she didn't know if we were salvageable); and I was not going to "hang out" as long as your involved with another person. This conversation went on for like 10 minutes. Her explaining what she needed the past six months (as she was crying); and me validating her; but staying strong and confidence that my actions (going dark/NC) was the right thing for me to do. I could hear in her voice the guilt and blame a bit; it is crazy how easily I picked up on this.
After that conversation; she asked me, "so you are OK will me filing on Monday". I said, "Yes". She instantly went into her bedroom and was crying. I left. She met my at my apartment because she was helping me unload my wedding gifts. She was silent the whole 30 minutes while helping me. As we both left my door (me to return the truck, and her to go back home) she gave me my key back and did not say a word.
As I returned home from the U-Haul place, I noticed her sitting in her car near the front of my complex. I got out and asked her if see was OK She was in a historical melt-down. I jumped in her passenger seat. When I got in she apologized for everything; told me she was sorry for hurting me, for letting me down, for breaking my trust, and for not being the wife she was supposed to be. I tried to calm her, but she was very emotional at this time; so I explained to her, that I had responsibility in the marriage as well and I contributed to our issues before your affair. She told me she has been guilty for a year and a half and was so sorry.
We talked for a little more, she kept asking me what I wanted, and I tried my best to explain I do not a D; I would not still be here if I did not a D. She said, "well I don't know what you want bc we have barely talked for 6 months". I expressed, that is bc everything I told you in the past remains true today, I would not try this relationship until that OP is out of your life. I told her I would never be your plan B; she explained you were never my plan B (i kind of chuckled at that). Then I got a little angry and told her how much an affair hurts, and how she has no idea the pain and suffering which comes along with being the betrayed.
The emotional convo died out a bit as we were both just exhausted from the draining day. I told her I want to be with you; and you need to stop communicating with this OP so we can connect again. She agreed; but she also said, she never wanted to make that promise in the past because she knew how hard it would be to stop talking to that OP, and she did not want to lie to me. I told her I understand how addicting an affair can be, and that is why it needs to be dealt with in MC. I said, "I know it's not easy to give an affair up", "I know there are time you will be tempted, but that is not a reason to not try".
The convo ended, and I told her I was hungry and lets get dinner. We got dinner then she went home. On Sunday (2/4) she was texting me and asking what I was doing for the Super Bowl (and if I wanted to come over). I told her I was going to my buddies house and she was welcome to come. She explain although that sounds really nice because she missed them she's just embarrassed right now and not ready to see people yet. I validated her, and told her if you change your mind your more than welcome here.
We have been somewhat texting over the last couple of days. And we are going to the gym together today (2/6).
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Now the real work begins. This is the hardest part, but you need to remember that you can only clean up your side of the street. She has to meet you at least half way!
Believe none of what they say, and half of what they do is never more true than when you are at this point.
Thanks for responding. I was clapping my hands and cheering you onward.....all the way up till you saw her sitting in front of your complex,.......waiting (b/c she knew you would see her sitting in the car). Then I held I breath and thought, "Oh no, here it comes........the tears".
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I jumped in her passenger seat. When I got in she apologized for everything; told me she was sorry for hurting me, for letting me down, for breaking my trust, and for not being the wife she was supposed to be. I tried to calm her, but she was very emotional at this time; so I explained to her, that I had responsibility in the marriage as well and I contributed to our issues before your affair. She told me she has been guilty for a year and a half and was so sorry.
See what happens when you hold back? Huh==huh? She's been trying to find out about your feelings for weeks. So anyway, good on her part. So typical of the LBH, on your part. You just jumped right in there, using too many words, and too eager to make her feel better when she appeared to be making an emotional apology. From this point forward, PLEASE, stop making it too easy for her. I promise it will make or break a successful reconciliation. If she isn't required to work to get you back again.....she won't work at all, and she won't end her A.
From what I see in your post, she asked you what you wanted, more than once. However, did she ever speak up about what she wanted, or what she was willing to do? When the WW is constantly fishing, wanting to know how the LBH feels about this & that, but she won't offer to express her own feelings.....it's usually a tempt test.
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I told her I want to be with you; and you need to stop communicating with this OP so we can connect again. She agreed; but she also said, she never wanted to make that promise in the past because she knew how hard it would be to stop talking to that OP, and she did not want to lie to me.
So, what does that ^^^^^ mean? Is she in or out? Seems unclear. Did she say, or did you assume her agreeing to your statement meant that she was wanting to reconcile?
I want so badly to believe she's being genuine.....and that it's not just an emotional temperature test to see if she still holds the you and the relationship in the palm of her hand. But, dang it, Chris......you made it too easy for her! You did wonderful, until she broke down in tears. Then, you were talking too much, instead of allowing her to struggle through with the difficult words that needed to be said. Oh well, I still love ya anyway. (Just think of me like a second mama. ) I'm glad she got it said, and I hope she meant every word.
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I told her I understand how addicting an affair can be, and that is why it needs to be dealt with in MC. I said, "I know it's not easy to give an affair up", "I know there are time you will be tempted, but that is not a reason to not try".
IDK if you were trying to validate her feelings, or what. But whatever, you were making it way too easy for her. It's important that you see this, b/c you need to stop doing it. I don't mean to say you should act like a jerk, or punish her. But rather, I'm telling you what SHE has to do, if you are to have a successful R. It appears that she was trying, and hopefully, accomplished that much...in spite of you trying to make it too easy for her.
I've said this before, that so many H's have taken the WW back too easily, without requiring certain things from her.....only to find themselves back on the board again. I'm trying to share with you what the WW needs to do.....not what she wants to do. Although you have wanted this moment so badly, don't ruin it by trying to cushion her work in order to straighten herself out. This emotional breakdown and apology is just one step for her. She hasn't even ended her A yet! Seems to me, she should have ended her A first, and then apologize for how she's treated you, but we'll see. You were wise to mention MC, but at the same time.....don't give her excuses by telling her you know how addictive & difficult it can be to end A's. You really need to be strong in this area. Be insistent about no contact whatsoever with OM, attending all the MC sessions, and cooperating in transparency. You call the shots on this.....not her. If you don't, you'll regret it.
I am always telling you to be extremely careful, and this time is no exception. You have grown a lot recently, but I think she still has the power to sucker you back in for another hit. Keep your guard up. Keep talking to your buddy, to help keep your head on straight.
If you haven't already, you need to think about a transparency plan. If she is not cooperative about being completely transparent with you, then this will be nothing more than a setup for another hurt. Don't fall for phone "privacy" cr@p that WW's give for their excuse to hide their secrets. I think I've talk to you about it previously. If she's authentic, transparency will help her as much as it will help you.
I recommend finding a pro-marriage therapist who specializes in couple healing from an A. I've seen Gottman's techniques praised a lot. Don't wind up with a divorce counselor.
Whatever you do.....DON'T agree to start living under the same roof again. At least, not until you see evidence of progress being made in her, and she is over the OM.
In summary, you did a good job, Chris. Just please....... please go slowly and don't let her talk you into something making any moves right away. This is the time to work on the friendship and maybe start dating again. More mistakes are made when the couple goes back together too quickly. If at any point you see her mood change or acting a little colder....pull back immediately and start GAL like there's no tomorrow. In fact, you need to be very watchful the next few days, since having the apology talk....b/c if she seems a bit cold, start applying the 37 rules again.
Here's a valuable tip. Play a little hard to get, until the relationship is secured again. Let her do the pursuing.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i echo everything Sandi said... and i also agree about not living together right away... on the other hand, as a WW, i didn't want to live with my H right away because i was not genuine in reconciling at first--if you remember, H and i had a few false starts... so do be careful here... i would want to be sure that she is in full agreement to be in NC with OM... i believe you have access to whether she is or not... you have done well with your self-respect... keep that up...
please, please be careful... when my H made it easy for me to come back, i didn't do the work, and our real reconciliation was prolonged... it wasn't until i came to him with my tail between my legs and my heart in my hand that i was truly ready... i do hope she is ready... i think you have DB'd rather well, thus far... keep doing it... keep GAL... keep being a H only a fool would leave... make the new Chris the real Chris... and please keep us updated... and if you need a sounding board, we are here...
A little update. Me and W went out on Friday Night and had a date. She then invited me over to her Sisters house on Sunday because her whole family was there. We also spent the day together, went to the gym, then went out to eat.
We got to talking.
This is super high level; but she is struggling with her life right now and says she is completely lost. She said she needs to travel, find herself, and does not want to make a crazy decision with us because right now her head is not right. She explains to me she thinks shes is crazy, because she has a great life right now, an awesome job, and loving family, incredible friends, and a husband who is willing to make things work after she put me through such a terrible thing. Having all of this, she is still willing to quit her job, leave her family and friends and go away (travel for months). She tells me she does want a family life with me down the road, and can defiantly see it; but right now she needs a change in her life. She can see us together, but right now, she needs to change her life. She knows I might not be there when she gets back, and feels like she is throwing away something so great. But she is soo lost. I told her she is right, I am not sure I would be here.
This was a two hour conversation...but I tried to give the cliff notes.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Chris, i am glad you came back to the board with an update... What has transpired does not surprise me. I said similar things during the false starts. What she is really saying is she does not want to be married to you... The whole down the road thing is script... It's easier to put it that way than to say the truth... She doesn't want to hurt you...
How do you feel? What is your next step? Will you continue to DB?
She regrets not doing more to fix our marriage when she was unhappy. That she tried to express things, but it wasn’t enough. She blames herself for being where we are. She said, I did hurt her but she is the reason we are in this spot and it hurts her everyday and more importantly hurts her to know how much she hurt me. Then she said I was a great man and deserve more than what I can give.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
I am going to give you my opinion and you can take it for what it's worth. Consider yourself lucky that you are going through this now and not 15 years down the road when you have a family. Your W has some issues that she needs to work out and if they are not tended to you will be in for a long a painful journey.
Many of the people on here including myself are dealing with spouses having identity crisis in there mid to late forties. IMO if she is having this at 28 she is dealing with deeper issues or just giving you a line of BS.
Again, I know it is hard but you should really consider taking this opportunity to walk away. There are plenty of normal women your age that would be grateful to have a guy like you.
Chris, I get the impression she's asking for your blessing to be able to move on with her life. She's having a hard time with her decision, and she's feeling guilty. But she has not hit the point where she WANTS to save the M.
I agree with LH that this is a good time to examine what your life with her will be like.
Our ego wants to "win", and winning in this situation is restoring the M. Our heart wants the comfort of the old M. Sometimes these two things blind us to a different path that may ultimately be better.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
For what I'm reading from you. I sense two things coming from your W. To me she seems to be trying to run away from the damaged she has caused. She thinks you will never be able to move on an accepted her because of what she has done. She also thinks if she gets away from it all she will get some understanding. But the reality is your can't run away from yourself. She caused the damage and no matter she's going to have to deal with her guilt and shame.
If you want to try and save your M then I would do it (it will be a lot of hard work on your part). If you want to walk away you still have done what many people take years to do and that's pick themselves back up after being hurt to their core.
You W needs to put in a lot of work, and she has to want to, it can't be you wanting her to. You all need to go and see a counselor that specify in M.
You can't stop her from walking away, but if you want some actions to take, you can make yourself an open canvas for her to talk about her feelings and emotions. You don't judge or demean her. She has to have time to clear her head, without out any outside influence, that includes you. She has to decide on her own to want back in, and if you are telling her how you feel, it will only cloud her mind more.
Give her space to think, I'm not talking about physical space, but emotional space. Don't include yourself in her feelings when she is talking about how she feels.
For example, if she says, I'm really having a hard time deciding to be in this M, you validate and say, I understand, it can be hard to make a decision about the future when you are feeling the way you feel. You don't say, I want you to stay even thou you want to leave. By saying the first statement, you are not applying pressure to her and you become a listener and not a fixer. She sees you have and understanding, and you aren't worried about your feelings but about hers.
Onward and forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Hey, Chris... How are you doing? I hope you are doing well, considering all that you have experienced lately... Losing your grandmother, reconnecting with your wife, and then learning that she is in a different place than working on your marriage... Lean on your friends and be good to yourself....
still nothing. We have hung out a couple of times; had some great times...but nothing more. But she still is not 100% on wanting to recon... Time is coming for me to make a decision because there is a huge mental, emotional, and physical void in my life... I cannot continue this limbo stage, and if she is not going to commit, I cannot hang on to hope much longer.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
still nothing. We have hung out a couple of times; had some great times...but nothing more. But she still is not 100% on wanting to recon... Time is coming for me to make a decision because there is a huge mental, emotional, and physical void in my life... I cannot continue this limbo stage, and if she is not going to commit, I cannot hang on to hope much longer.
I had the same attitude until someone here pointed out to me that limbo is the gift of time. You know what's best for you but you need to be able to look back with as few regrets as possible.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sounds like decision-making time is creeping up on you. What are you struggling with in terms of deciding whether or not to move on or continue standing?
hey, Chris... i'm sure it's difficult to "pull the trigger." and perhaps you are not up for taking consolation in that:
a. you are young b. you have no children yet
when you love somebody and want to be with that person, those things don't seem to matter... but if she puts her desires away to be with you, those desires may come back later in life--when you do have children... when you've invested 20 years...
is she open to your walking away? what does she want for you?
Steve - Time isn’t a gift yes it is. However; I’ve been giving soo much time!! It [censored].
M - what I’m struggling with is that still after all this bullshit I still love her. Call me crazy; but I’m struggling with letting go; and not being in her life or having her in my life.
Art - I understand. Last time I told her I was ok with her filling she broke down; sure it was prob a bit of manipulation; but she hasn’t said or done anything since. So I’m not sure. I’m not sure she wants anything “from me”... she’s held up on her own poop.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
So all of that drama was just to see if she could get you back again. When she saw she could, then it was back to playing her game of not knowing what she wants.
Here's the thing, is she going to go through this again when mid-life hits? I would not place bets against it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
First, what sandi2 and Vanilla said... Secondly, I want to know what she wants FOR you... Not from you... Has she shared with you what she hopes for you?
Hey everybody. It is crazy to think how long I have been on this board. You all are so wonderful for taking time to help others.
I am pretty much in the same place I was a couple weeks ago. We hang out occasionally, but nothing transpires from it. She has not proven to me she wants to leave the OM and pursue a future with me. She is still "stuck" not knowing what shes wants, but she knows she doesn't want to close the book on us yet. Script (am I right?). She keeps saying she wants the best for me, and she knows if we split up she will never find someone as good as me, and that I deserve better than she can give me. Maybe not "keeps saying", but has mentioned this in the past conversations we have had this year.
I was doing so good with GAL before I reconnected with her on February to split up the wedding gifts. Ever since that day, I have kind just been sad and dopey. I try not to show it around her at all, but I can't help but believe she sees it a bit. One thing I defiantly has changed is my Mr. Nice Guy attitude with her. I am completely direct with her now, even if I know she won't like my responses.
I am just still stuck in this limbo, and I told myself once my bday hits this month I would not be able to live like this anymore. I want companionship, someone to share this quick life we have on Earth, someone to go on adventures with, and someone to be happy with - without changing who I am. So...time's up W.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Hi, Chris... So why have you allowed this limbo. She has not given up OM and you still hang out with her? She doesn't want to close the book on "us" yet? When? When she's ready to move on with OM or OM2?
Why are you of the frame of mind that says, "you do not want to give up OM? Then you have already closed the book on US!"???
Why are you letting her call that shot? She wanted you when she couldn't have you... You gave her your power...
It is crazy to think how long I have been on this board.
Less than 8 months, that's not long although I'm sure it seems like FOREVER to you!
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She has not proven to me she wants to leave the OM and pursue a future with me. She is still "stuck" not knowing what shes wants, but she knows she doesn't want to close the book on us yet. Script (am I right?).
Yup, you are exactly right. She is cake-eating, and she'll keep that going for as long as you let it. You need to put a stop to it ASAP. She's not going to come back as long as you let this situation persist.
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I am just still stuck in this limbo, and I told myself once my bday hits this month I would not be able to live like this anymore. I want companionship, someone to share this quick life we have on Earth, someone to go on adventures with, and someone to be happy with - without changing who I am. So...time's up W.
Of course you want that, we all want that. In my case it took ME pushing the D through, after which I met a beautiful young sexy woman that is all of that to me and much more. Sometimes the path to happiness is recon, and sometimes it's moving on. But here's the thing, your path to happiness is not to stay the course and keep the status quo. You are STUCK right now. It's time to get unstuck. So Chris, what does getting "unstuck" look like to you? What are your goals SANS wife and how do you achieve those goals? Work on that and maybe your W will come back. Or maybe you'll find someone else. But you've got to CHANGE what you're doing before either of those opportunities will present themselves.
AS - yes, understood. Regardless, I cannot let this same situation as the past 8 month persist. My path to happiness is defiantly not staying the course...staying the current course is what got me back to basically square one (which I feel I am in). You are right.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Yup. Stop it all. Sorry to hear you're in limbo and it's been draining on you. You had her on the ropes and it was good, but seems like that wedding gifts meeting kinda derailed stuff.
I would just say - I can't do this anymore and go dark, NC, and get your GAL back.
Everything that needs to be said has been said by you multiple times. You know you want companionship. Go get it man! Don't let her drag you down.
I would just say - I can't do this anymore and go dark, NC, and get your GAL back.
i think Maika's suggestion is a good one... and your W seems to have already given you the go ahead to do this being that she says she wants you to be happy, and that you deserve someone who can give you what you want... she just may be having a difficult time taking that next step... if you let her go, she may actually feel relieved... letting her go just might be the kind thing to do... "cruel to be kind..."
She is still "stuck" not knowing what shes wants, but she knows she doesn't want to close the book on us yet. Script (am I right?). She keeps saying she wants the best for me, and she knows if we split up she will never find someone as good as me, and that I deserve better than she can give me.
"I don't know what I want" means "I really want all of these things, and I'm still trying to figure out how the get them. Please let me keep using you for the bits that OM isn't giving me, until I figure out where to get them somewhere else."
"I'll never find anyone as good as you" means "Please feel sorry for me, because of these horrible things that I have done (TO YOU!!!!) that have messed up my ability to extract what I need from you."
"You deserve better than me" is literal truth. One of the best pieces I've gotten over the last year is "When someone tells you something like this, BELIEVE THEM!"
She is still "stuck" not knowing what shes wants, but she knows she doesn't want to close the book on us yet. Script (am I right?). She keeps saying she wants the best for me, and she knows if we split up she will never find someone as good as me, and that I deserve better than she can give me.
"I don't know what I want" means "I really want all of these things, and I'm still trying to figure out how the get them. Please let me keep using you for the bits that OM isn't giving me, until I figure out where to get them somewhere else."
"I'll never find anyone as good as you" means "Please feel sorry for me, because of these horrible things that I have done (TO YOU!!!!) that have messed up my ability to extract what I need from you."
"You deserve better than me" is literal truth. One of the best pieces I've gotten over the last year is "When someone tells you something like this, BELIEVE THEM!"
EAST is 100% on with this.
The truth is she wants the best of all worlds. And she will happily stay in Limbo as long as you do. She is getting what she wants from you and what she wants from OM and her own life.
I know of an IRL situation like this from the WAW side. Even the WAW knew the LBS had to make a drastic move, or everything would simply have to blow up in her face with the possibility of losing everything.
She will happily stay in Limbo as long as you are chilling out there.
Just spent the last couple of days catching up on your whole sitch. We have similar things going on. You have no kids and you are still young. I’m younger than you still but I have a D with W so I will try and stick to dB and get my MR back for as long as I can stand to. You seem to have done some good work staying dark, keep it up. Start living your life without her, there is nothing more to be said. You have put it all out there! If you move on without her, she may or may not see this and come to her senses. Only then will things really start to change, at that point it will be up to YOU wether you want to reconcile or not. Take care Chris and please keep posting! Your story has helped me tremendously..
M:26 WAW:26 T:11 M:7 D:3 BD 1 10/16 I love you but not in love BD 2 2/18 I love you but... W moves out 3/18
Newly; that must have been and exciting read. If anything I hope you take my mistakes, my WW scripts, and the advice and knowledge the people on this board gave.
The last contact I had with W was me saying that I could not do this anymore and the half butt relationship is not what I want. She responded acknowledging it and agreeing it was hurting her to and it’s hard to continue this way.
I’m gonna go dark and gal until I need to make my decision.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
It is our 3rd wedding annv today. I have been dark, and only responding with one words if important for a couple weeks. W just texted me: "I was thinking about you today, and no mater what happens i will always LY."
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Hang in there Chris. i know its tough. I love how they think reminding us they still "love" us eases our pain. I think it eases their conscience to tell us that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It is our 3rd wedding annv today. I have been dark, and only responding with one words if important for a couple weeks. W just texted me: "I was thinking about you today, and no mater what happens i will always LY."
don't respond to that drivel... she is cruel... she says she knows you deserve better, blah, blah, blah... yet she sends this temp-checking crumb... no matter what happens? that says she knows you have not moved on... that you are still waiting for her... she wants you to say the same back to her... if you had not gotten together with her to divide wedding gifts (3 years later???) you would have been so much further along... you were doing well... even when she tried to squeeze in when your grandmother passed, you handled her well...
in my opinion, you and PsychSara have added months and months to your "recovery" time because you keep engaging with your WW spouses...
don't feed your W's self-centered craziness... stay DARK... honestly, how much important business do you two have between the two of you right now?
Man! i have nothing to add but say that artista captured it perfectly. I am sorry how this has unfolded but this situation has prolonged your healing time. I want to see the pre-dividing gifts Chris come back here and tell us how he's grabbing life by the horns and loving it.
Thanks for the advice. Just mailed it. I will inform you all if I get contacted. Have been dark/NC since last Monday (4/16). When she texted about our anniversary I did not respond. Really nothing to say to her at this point until she proves she wants something.
Gonna maintain GAL, and get back to working on myself.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Really nothing to say to her at this point until she proves she wants something.
this here bothers me... you are still waiting for her... you won't move on while you wait to see if she proves she wants something... she has proven to you that she does not want "something," that something being your marriage... your very young marriage... you two have been mostly separated in your marriage... you went NC, and she played a lot of head games with you... you came back to her, and she pushed you right back out of her everyday life... she followed the script we told you about...
she says she wants better for you because you deserve better... those are just words... she is still self-focused, thinking of herself only... you need to follow her lead and get yourself self-focused... take your eyes off of her... you did it before, and you can do it again...
this is the scary pattern i have come to see here with LBSs... they garner the strength to go NC/dark... they GAL and do 180s for themselves... they begin to feel better about themselves, the Wayward Spouse senses this and decides to pop in... wants to talk... wants to "see" if things can work out... LBSs are warned by other DBers that it's likely just a temp-check, but they still fall for it... they have a day or night or week of bliss with their Wayward Spouse, and then BOOM! Wayward Spouse leaves again... this time the LBS is more broken than before--worse than BD some say... i vividly see that with you and PsySara... each time you go through the cycle, you come back weaker...
stop cycling... do what you did before... make plans with friends... go away for the weekend... GAL... and keep posting here more consistently for the time-being... until you are stronger... you can get there again, Chris...
art - I appreciate the 2x4; and it is taken with much value. The cycle is concerning and am not going to repeat it again. The reason I am hurting now more than I did before is b/c I told myself I would only wait until the end of April and then I would file. I am not ready to file now. So everything maybe got brought up to the forefront of my mind.
I need to get back to focusing on myself, GAL, making a better Chris, figuring out what I want in my life, gaining alpha characteristics, building a confident dynamic with my everyday life, and not detaching.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
yes! do not do the work for her, for pay... she is terrible to do this to you... she is trying to rope you back in... she is such a game player with you... she is not nice!!!
i say stay completely dark... at the very most just say no or no thanks and THAT'S IT!!! no further discussion... no further comments... even if she asks why or says anything in return... IGNORE HER!!! you are not in a good, strong place right now...
Now she is asking me if she can pay me to help her with some excel work for her job.
Gee, if she didn't contact you, we'd probably never hear from you........b/c you would be move on with your life. One text, and whamo it has you at a lost to what to do? Chris, I've told you previously that she does this to keep you emotionally attached to her. When are you going to believe me?
Here's the respond:
Don't like that one?^^^^^^ How about......."Hell no!"
It is way, way past time to tell her to take a hike. If you had done that when she cheated, she might have straighten up.........instead of still yanking your chain. Time to deal with her like a man. A man who couldn't care less if she ever gets help with Excel.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I need to grow a pair it is tuff love and I appreciate it. Im just having trouble finding my inner self to do so. I don t know wtf is wrong with me. She wishes me happy bday today. I m just going to ignore it.
I know it is tuff love and I appreciate it. I am just having trouble finding that inner strength I don t know wtf is wrong with me. It is annoying to myself.
She wished me happy bday today I am ingorning that.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/11/1803:03 AM. Reason: restored post
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Sandi, thank you for the response. I appreciate the tough love; and I really do understand. I am having problems finding inner strength to continue with this.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Hello Chris, I dnt know if you want to talk or nto but i dnt really know what to do from here besides file. to do that, i need u to sign a few thngs and get it notarized. can you do that if I bring the papers to u?
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
I could still just have her mail them too me right?
Yes. Have her mail them. I can't believe you are actually asking that... You still want any purpose to see her... If you keep doing this, cycling, you will be in this spot a year from now... You will not have detached, and likely, she will end up filing anyway... See TATE's situation... and HaWho's on MLC thread... They were sticking it out, hanging on, but were left by their nasty spouses anyway...
Keep up the great work. We know it's not easy. Make her fight to see you.
If she don't fight for you she dont deserve you.
And, how crazy is her logic, she want to get a D together, like you all are going to a movie or something. How much fun can we have getting a D? Her text just sounds crazy.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Don't give in to her... She is awful to you... She wants to feel good about it... And she wants you to be her little puppy dog friend... Her behavior toward you is so disrespectful... she doesn't deserve a response... She doesn't deserve to have you by her side as she ends your marriage... And doesn't deserve to know your feelings about it... She wants you to say you don't feel good about it... She says she wants the best for you, but that is a lie... She wants what she wants... She is self-absorbed...
She also called me tonight, I did not answer because I was out playing volleyball with some new friends.
In all seriousness, like how long do I just stay dark? I already told her to mail me the documents...so, I really dont need to respond to her at all do i?
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
She is now texting saying: she wishes I would pick up so we could talk. Texting and mailing eachother documents just seems very cold and she doesnt want that for us.
More of the same...
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Leave it be, she's trying to make her self feel better. She wants to talk to you, and give you her sob story about how she felt in the M. And how she just don't want bad blood or anger or hostility. She wants to still be friends. Leave her be. Let her go. This is her decision and, she needs to live with all that comes with it.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Gee, if she didn't contact you, we'd probably never hear from you........b/c you would be move on with your life. One text, and whamo it has you at a lost to what to do? Chris, I've told you previously that she does this to keep you emotionally attached to her. When are you going to believe me?
Here's the respond:
Don't like that one?^^^^^^ How about......."Hell no!"
It is way, way past time to tell her to take a hike. If you had done that when she cheated, she might have straighten up.........instead of still yanking your chain.
I think you need to hear the above again.
The answer to your question "how long do I stay dark?" is "until she stops treating you like [censored], and expresses remorse and an actual desire to fix things." Until then, ANY CONTACT you have with her is going to make your situation WORSE.
C - I agree with everyone else.....you told her to mail them and what you would do when you got the papers. There is absolutely no reason to see her or respond to her. I agree with A she just wants to make herself feel better at your expense. also what E TN said
She is now texting saying: she wishes I would pick up so we could talk. Texting and mailing eachother documents just seems very cold and she doesnt want that for us.
More of the same...
See how ridiculous she is? She doesn't want this short-lived M, she cheated and still won't break ties with OM... Now that is COLD! But because you won't hold her hand and be chummy with her while she dissolves your M, she sees that as cold???!!! Skewed perspectiv, she's got...
W:So are you sticking to me just mailing them to you. Me: Yes. W: Got it. W: if we are not talking in person, I guess text it is. What should we do with the furniture, sell it and split it or take that same amount off the top of what I would you. W: no interest in a beer to just go through things? Me: I can get $XXX.XX for everything; I cannot sell yet, so just take it off the top. W: And to my other question? Me: No. W: Fine. Trying to throw up a hail mary here but no taking. So is it safe to assume you are ready to move on and be divorced? W: Can you please answer me that if you are not willing to see me. W: There are also some things I'd like to say to you if you will give me the opportunity.
I have not responded except for what is in that text chain above. Advice on where to go from here?
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Same game as before. She doesn't hear from you... She brings out the papers acting like she's made up her mind to file... You don't react the way she wants you to, so she then asks you if you are ready and wanting to take the next step... Putting it on you... Or wanting you to say it's not what you want... Can you see her pattern? She toys with you...
i mailed the paperwork yesterday so you should get it today or tomrw. please let me know when you do and when you send it back. I am very hurt you won't respond to me or allow me the opportunity to say things to you. hard to believe its gotten to that point for u and if it did, why it is on me to do the work and be the one to file when the thought of that is heartbreaking. if this is what you want as well then i want to know that to provide closure but it seems like you're not willing to say anything about how you feel.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
We will see. I can tell from the above text she is putting the "blame" of the D on me; as well as guilt-ing me. I do not want to have the same conversation I have had with her in the past (about how I do not want this). I find it incomprehensible that she really thinks I want a D. The only reason I can think she thinks I want a D, is b/c I have been dark/NC, and not meeting up with her.
In all honesty, if she does file, is it normal for the LBH not to hear out the WW? She says she wants to talk to me, i know this is some temp checking and trying to control the situation more; I am just curious.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Of course she is putting the blame on you. God forbid she has to take responsibility for anything.
You've heard her out a bunch of times already. She feeds you the same BS, and yet, she changes nothing.
You are young. You share no kids. I believe in the commitment of marriage, but it would best serve you to get out. You have a chance to be with someone who believes in what a M truly is. You have a chance to have a family with someone who shares the same moral values as you.
Stop buying her manipulative BS. She's still acting like a kid and you should me married to a woman.
I'll add my 2 cents and agree with LH and Ginger here. You're still so young and no kids. There's so much going for you to find a new partner who can give you a much more fulfilling life, and kids if you both would want that.
Honestly, I wish I was in your position. I would've said sayonara months ago. I know this is hard and I don't mean to minimize your pain, but there are so many things going for you that allow you to basically recreate your life and start from scratch.
Just take it and run man! You're going to find that wonderful woman. Improve yourself and be the man that only a fool would leave. You have a long life ahead of you. Grab it by the ball$!
Chris - my W is doing something similar right now. Trying to guilt me into filing for D, even though I have repeatedly said that I do not want one. She thinks that it is my responsibility to do the dirty work for her and stomps her feet when I don't play along.
I am watching your sitch closely. Stay strong.
M: 50 W: 47 No kids together M: 10 T: 11 BD #1: 12/14 R #1: 7/15 BD #2: 1/18 D Filed: 6/18/18 D Final: 01/28/19 Currently still in-house
I'll also add, I was 27 when my exH left, 9 years together almost 4 married. Only difference was I had a 6 month old.
My daughter has saved my life. She was an IVF baby and I live and breathe for her. She is now 10, and I have ben raising her as a single woman since she was 6 months old.
And you know what? I wish to God my ex wasn't her father. I wish I had never ignored all the red flags, found my self respect and left him. Then maybe my daughter would have had a good father and intact family.
Now I am going to be 38 in 3 weeks. My daughter is beautiful, happy, and healthy, but I never remarried. Never got to have more children. My life has been dedicated to work and her. I don't have any help and dating is not easy for me.
You've got a chance for a full life here.
Really, who gives a crap who files. I don't understand why people make such a big deal out of it. It's who decided to destroy the M, not who actually filed for D who decided to get divorced.
Really, who gives a crap who files. I don't understand why people make such a big deal out of it. It's who decided to destroy the M, not who actually filed for D who decided to get divorced.
One thousand percent agree with that. I stopped caring about that a long time ago. Do what's right for you. If you want D, stop wasting time and just go for it and get it done. Don't make it an impulse decision, but sit with it for a bit and when you realize you're not making it out of pure emotions, just do it.
I've entertained D for a few months now, but now I am in a place where I am good with it and I will file if W doesn't first. I don't give a rats a$$ if she gets to say to other people that I filed or if my filing proves to her that I didn't want to be with her. Honestly I couldn't give two f$%#s at this point! Look to what you want in life and if it's D, then so be it.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/11/1803:44 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Gee, if she didn't contact you, we'd probably never hear from you........b/c you would be move on with your life. One text, and whamo it has you at a lost to what to do? Chris, I've told you previously that she does this to keep you emotionally attached to her. When are you going to believe me?
Here's the respond:
Don't like that one?^^^^^^ How about......."Hell no!"
It is way, way past time to tell her to take a hike. If you had done that when she cheated, she might have straighten up.........instead of still yanking your chain.
I think you need to hear the above again.
The answer to your question "how long do I stay dark?" is "until she stops treating you like [censored], and expresses remorse and an actual desire to fix things." Until then, ANY CONTACT you have with her is going to make your situation WORSE.
^^^^^Chris, hopefully third time's a charm for you, READ THIS!! BELIEVE THIS!!!!^^^^^
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Really, who gives a crap who files. I don't understand why people make such a big deal out of it. It's who decided to destroy the M, not who actually filed for D who decided to get divorced.
She's been trying to find out about your feelings for weeks. So anyway, good on her part. So typical of the LBH, on your part. You just jumped right in there, using too many words, and too eager to make her feel better when she appeared to be making an emotional apology. 
From this point forward, PLEASE, stop making it too easy for her. I promise it will make or break a successful reconciliation. If she isn't required to work to get you back again.....she won't work at all, and she won't end her A. 
) I'm glad she got it said, and I hope she meant every word.