Hey y'all. I will try to re-cap the past couple days.
Yes, we did meet up on Saturday (2/3/18) at her house. I arrived around 2pm to her house to unload the U-Haul (we did it at her place because I live on the top floor of an apt and she has a ranch); so it was easy to unload. We spent about 2 1/2 hrs splitting up the gifts as best we could. We had to look up some prices to make sure it was even for the most part. She seemed a little distraught the whole time, as I was upbeat (business-like) and wanting to finish.
After we finished with the gifts, we loaded up the U-Haul with the stuff I was taking back with me; and then went inside to look over the dissolution papers. I had already had them reviewed and looked over them a couple times, but had a few questions; we squared everything away. As I told her I wanted to get going so I could get home before dark she asked; "What do you think about all of this"?
I chose my words carefully and said "I explained to you, I would not stand in your way if this is truly what you want". She said; "oh comon, can we just talk and not give me an answer like your a therapist?" That is when we got into a deep R talk. She told me how over the past six months all see wanted was to hang out and see if something was still salvageable between us. And I explained to her, how I thought that was extremely disrespectful (that she didn't know if we were salvageable); and I was not going to "hang out" as long as your involved with another person. This conversation went on for like 10 minutes. Her explaining what she needed the past six months (as she was crying); and me validating her; but staying strong and confidence that my actions (going dark/NC) was the right thing for me to do. I could hear in her voice the guilt and blame a bit; it is crazy how easily I picked up on this.
After that conversation; she asked me, "so you are OK will me filing on Monday". I said, "Yes". She instantly went into her bedroom and was crying. I left. She met my at my apartment because she was helping me unload my wedding gifts. She was silent the whole 30 minutes while helping me. As we both left my door (me to return the truck, and her to go back home) she gave me my key back and did not say a word.
As I returned home from the U-Haul place, I noticed her sitting in her car near the front of my complex. I got out and asked her if see was OK She was in a historical melt-down. I jumped in her passenger seat. When I got in she apologized for everything; told me she was sorry for hurting me, for letting me down, for breaking my trust, and for not being the wife she was supposed to be. I tried to calm her, but she was very emotional at this time; so I explained to her, that I had responsibility in the marriage as well and I contributed to our issues before your affair. She told me she has been guilty for a year and a half and was so sorry.
We talked for a little more, she kept asking me what I wanted, and I tried my best to explain I do not a D; I would not still be here if I did not a D. She said, "well I don't know what you want bc we have barely talked for 6 months". I expressed, that is bc everything I told you in the past remains true today, I would not try this relationship until that OP is out of your life. I told her I would never be your plan B; she explained you were never my plan B (i kind of chuckled at that). Then I got a little angry and told her how much an affair hurts, and how she has no idea the pain and suffering which comes along with being the betrayed.
The emotional convo died out a bit as we were both just exhausted from the draining day. I told her I want to be with you; and you need to stop communicating with this OP so we can connect again. She agreed; but she also said, she never wanted to make that promise in the past because she knew how hard it would be to stop talking to that OP, and she did not want to lie to me. I told her I understand how addicting an affair can be, and that is why it needs to be dealt with in MC. I said, "I know it's not easy to give an affair up", "I know there are time you will be tempted, but that is not a reason to not try".
The convo ended, and I told her I was hungry and lets get dinner. We got dinner then she went home. On Sunday (2/4) she was texting me and asking what I was doing for the Super Bowl (and if I wanted to come over). I told her I was going to my buddies house and she was welcome to come. She explain although that sounds really nice because she missed them she's just embarrassed right now and not ready to see people yet. I validated her, and told her if you change your mind your more than welcome here.
We have been somewhat texting over the last couple of days. And we are going to the gym together today (2/6).
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Now the real work begins. This is the hardest part, but you need to remember that you can only clean up your side of the street. She has to meet you at least half way!
Believe none of what they say, and half of what they do is never more true than when you are at this point.
Thanks for responding. I was clapping my hands and cheering you onward.....all the way up till you saw her sitting in front of your complex,.......waiting (b/c she knew you would see her sitting in the car). Then I held I breath and thought, "Oh no, here it comes........the tears".
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I jumped in her passenger seat. When I got in she apologized for everything; told me she was sorry for hurting me, for letting me down, for breaking my trust, and for not being the wife she was supposed to be. I tried to calm her, but she was very emotional at this time; so I explained to her, that I had responsibility in the marriage as well and I contributed to our issues before your affair. She told me she has been guilty for a year and a half and was so sorry.
See what happens when you hold back? Huh==huh? She's been trying to find out about your feelings for weeks. So anyway, good on her part. So typical of the LBH, on your part. You just jumped right in there, using too many words, and too eager to make her feel better when she appeared to be making an emotional apology. From this point forward, PLEASE, stop making it too easy for her. I promise it will make or break a successful reconciliation. If she isn't required to work to get you back again.....she won't work at all, and she won't end her A.
From what I see in your post, she asked you what you wanted, more than once. However, did she ever speak up about what she wanted, or what she was willing to do? When the WW is constantly fishing, wanting to know how the LBH feels about this & that, but she won't offer to express her own feelings.....it's usually a tempt test.
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I told her I want to be with you; and you need to stop communicating with this OP so we can connect again. She agreed; but she also said, she never wanted to make that promise in the past because she knew how hard it would be to stop talking to that OP, and she did not want to lie to me.
So, what does that ^^^^^ mean? Is she in or out? Seems unclear. Did she say, or did you assume her agreeing to your statement meant that she was wanting to reconcile?
I want so badly to believe she's being genuine.....and that it's not just an emotional temperature test to see if she still holds the you and the relationship in the palm of her hand. But, dang it, Chris......you made it too easy for her! You did wonderful, until she broke down in tears. Then, you were talking too much, instead of allowing her to struggle through with the difficult words that needed to be said. Oh well, I still love ya anyway. (Just think of me like a second mama. ) I'm glad she got it said, and I hope she meant every word.
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I told her I understand how addicting an affair can be, and that is why it needs to be dealt with in MC. I said, "I know it's not easy to give an affair up", "I know there are time you will be tempted, but that is not a reason to not try".
IDK if you were trying to validate her feelings, or what. But whatever, you were making it way too easy for her. It's important that you see this, b/c you need to stop doing it. I don't mean to say you should act like a jerk, or punish her. But rather, I'm telling you what SHE has to do, if you are to have a successful R. It appears that she was trying, and hopefully, accomplished that much...in spite of you trying to make it too easy for her.
I've said this before, that so many H's have taken the WW back too easily, without requiring certain things from her.....only to find themselves back on the board again. I'm trying to share with you what the WW needs to do.....not what she wants to do. Although you have wanted this moment so badly, don't ruin it by trying to cushion her work in order to straighten herself out. This emotional breakdown and apology is just one step for her. She hasn't even ended her A yet! Seems to me, she should have ended her A first, and then apologize for how she's treated you, but we'll see. You were wise to mention MC, but at the same time.....don't give her excuses by telling her you know how addictive & difficult it can be to end A's. You really need to be strong in this area. Be insistent about no contact whatsoever with OM, attending all the MC sessions, and cooperating in transparency. You call the shots on this.....not her. If you don't, you'll regret it.
I am always telling you to be extremely careful, and this time is no exception. You have grown a lot recently, but I think she still has the power to sucker you back in for another hit. Keep your guard up. Keep talking to your buddy, to help keep your head on straight.
If you haven't already, you need to think about a transparency plan. If she is not cooperative about being completely transparent with you, then this will be nothing more than a setup for another hurt. Don't fall for phone "privacy" cr@p that WW's give for their excuse to hide their secrets. I think I've talk to you about it previously. If she's authentic, transparency will help her as much as it will help you.
I recommend finding a pro-marriage therapist who specializes in couple healing from an A. I've seen Gottman's techniques praised a lot. Don't wind up with a divorce counselor.
Whatever you do.....DON'T agree to start living under the same roof again. At least, not until you see evidence of progress being made in her, and she is over the OM.
In summary, you did a good job, Chris. Just please....... please go slowly and don't let her talk you into something making any moves right away. This is the time to work on the friendship and maybe start dating again. More mistakes are made when the couple goes back together too quickly. If at any point you see her mood change or acting a little colder....pull back immediately and start GAL like there's no tomorrow. In fact, you need to be very watchful the next few days, since having the apology talk....b/c if she seems a bit cold, start applying the 37 rules again.
Here's a valuable tip. Play a little hard to get, until the relationship is secured again. Let her do the pursuing.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i echo everything Sandi said... and i also agree about not living together right away... on the other hand, as a WW, i didn't want to live with my H right away because i was not genuine in reconciling at first--if you remember, H and i had a few false starts... so do be careful here... i would want to be sure that she is in full agreement to be in NC with OM... i believe you have access to whether she is or not... you have done well with your self-respect... keep that up...
please, please be careful... when my H made it easy for me to come back, i didn't do the work, and our real reconciliation was prolonged... it wasn't until i came to him with my tail between my legs and my heart in my hand that i was truly ready... i do hope she is ready... i think you have DB'd rather well, thus far... keep doing it... keep GAL... keep being a H only a fool would leave... make the new Chris the real Chris... and please keep us updated... and if you need a sounding board, we are here...
A little update. Me and W went out on Friday Night and had a date. She then invited me over to her Sisters house on Sunday because her whole family was there. We also spent the day together, went to the gym, then went out to eat.
We got to talking.
This is super high level; but she is struggling with her life right now and says she is completely lost. She said she needs to travel, find herself, and does not want to make a crazy decision with us because right now her head is not right. She explains to me she thinks shes is crazy, because she has a great life right now, an awesome job, and loving family, incredible friends, and a husband who is willing to make things work after she put me through such a terrible thing. Having all of this, she is still willing to quit her job, leave her family and friends and go away (travel for months). She tells me she does want a family life with me down the road, and can defiantly see it; but right now she needs a change in her life. She can see us together, but right now, she needs to change her life. She knows I might not be there when she gets back, and feels like she is throwing away something so great. But she is soo lost. I told her she is right, I am not sure I would be here.
This was a two hour conversation...but I tried to give the cliff notes.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
Chris, i am glad you came back to the board with an update... What has transpired does not surprise me. I said similar things during the false starts. What she is really saying is she does not want to be married to you... The whole down the road thing is script... It's easier to put it that way than to say the truth... She doesn't want to hurt you...
How do you feel? What is your next step? Will you continue to DB?
She's been trying to find out about your feelings for weeks. So anyway, good on her part. So typical of the LBH, on your part. You just jumped right in there, using too many words, and too eager to make her feel better when she appeared to be making an emotional apology. 
From this point forward, PLEASE, stop making it too easy for her. I promise it will make or break a successful reconciliation. If she isn't required to work to get you back again.....she won't work at all, and she won't end her A. 
) I'm glad she got it said, and I hope she meant every word.