In my experience the key is to figure out what they are looking for. Some just want to hook up, others just want some attention, and others are actually looking for a relationship. In my opinion if you click, have chemistry, the feelings are mutual, and your both on the same time table/looking for the same things it is pretty hard to mess those situations up.
I had a really good couple of dates about 1.5 months ago with the same girl and we felt and clicked instantly. It didn't work out which is cool but at minimum it helped me believe that finding someone is definitely possible.
In my experience the key is to figure out what they are looking for. Some just want to hook up, others just want some attention, and others are actually looking for a relationship. In my opinion if you click, have chemistry, the feelings are mutual, and your both on the same time table/looking for the same things it is pretty hard to mess those situations up.
Honestly, I'm just starting to figure out what it is that *I* want. I've known I wanted something, and now it's coming into view. Maybe that's why I'm starting to have these dates where I actually feel something. I still get put off by people who say in their profiles they're looking to marry. How intimidating is that?
...
On the issue of scheduling Wednesday dinner, I allowed it this one time, since in times where we can't come to an agreement, the decree should be our guide (and the decree says Wednesday). For the future I asked XW to give me 7 days' notice for changes to dinner. She responded by thanking me, telling me she'll be sure we stick to the decree (yeah right), and then she proceeded to chide me for not responding soon enough to her messages (I respond within a day), not keeping the calendar up to date (not sure where that comes from), and being a generally poor co-parent. I didn't respond.
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Last night I saw XMIL and XFIL at my son's orchestra concert. I haven't seen them in a year. I went up and told them hi. XFIL smiled at me and shook my hand. I turned to XMIL and got a weird vibe from her, so I shook her hand. This was a woman who I always hugged and kissed. That was SO WEIRD. To be expected I suppose.
Also, I've noticed XW has a new tattoo on her wrist. It's a semicolon, which is a symbol for those who've overcome suicide. I feel bad for my kids if they ever look up what that means - S16 may already have. I get that she wants to play the victim (so amusing since she caused all this), but why would anyone want to voluntarily wear a scarlet letter? And what guy is going to see that tattoo and decide to get involved with a bag of cats?
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Update on the girl I really hit it off with and who subsequently went silent. Let's call her "LG".
Wednesday night of last week, LG sent me a text out of the blue, saying her phone was acting up and this was a test to see if I was getting her texts. She sent me a screenshot of her messaging app to show me the "failed to send" messages she was getting. I was a little skeptical (trust issues, anyone?), but I went with it, and we continued texting over the next few days. She was responsive to all my texts, but she didn't do much initiating. We re-confirmed our Sunday date, which happened yesterday.
Just like the last date, the chemistry on this date was great! Lots of eye contact, with her touching my leg repeatedly while talking to me, and overall easy conversation. About halfway through, she told me since she was an Aggie, it was a Texas A&M tradition to get a kiss when your home team scored a goal. There was a game on and they had just scored. I told her I definitely wouldn't want her to be a rulebreaker, so I gave her a kiss. This happened about 3 more times throughout the date! The date lasted 3 hours, and at the end we agreed we'd get together for lunch over the next week.
So I'm pretty optimistic about where this is going. It is hard for me to continue playing the OLD game while this is happening with LG. But I don't want to have all my eggs in one basket.
At some point I'm going to have to tell my kids I'm dating. I know S16 saw Match open on my computer a few months ago, so he might suspect something. But it's telling S12 that I'm concerned about. I know I need to wait until I become serious with someone before I bring it up with my kids. Anyone have advice on this?
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Good for you H....it sounds like it went really well!! Your kids are old enough to know especially if they are already suspecting. Mine are young so have not told them anything and probably won't until I meet someone that they will get introduced to.
Update on LG: Since the last date I mentioned, I've had to initiate every text interaction with her. Then after a few days of not hearing anything, I texted her again last night, and she said she "got back together" with someone from a few years ago.
So I wished her well, thanked her for the great dates, and said I hoped she finds what she's looking for. She came back with "You're good looking and great company. Please consider me a friend and reach out whenever you want". Um, nope. Starting to wonder if I'm giving off some kind of "friendzone" vibe.
I've got a date with someone else this week, as thankfully I haven't been keeping all my eggs in one basket. But I will say, OLD is starting to get old.
I had an interesting session with my IC last week. I was talking about the changes I've made in myself, and she said I'm still feeling shame from my D, as well as feeling inadequate and not good enough. I said my D made me realize I had to make changes, and if I'd made them sooner, I could have possibly saved my M. She told me I should be more accepting of myself and feel proud for the effort I put in at the end of my M to try to save things. Food for thought.
And before anyone backs up the lumber truck, my time since the D has made me see all the faults in my M and given me a clearer picture of the person XW really is. This genie could never go back in that bottle.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Sorry H that [censored]...I don't think so, IMO that is her way of being nice and trying to let you down easy. As LH would say...keep on keeping on. I never reach out to anyone OL any more......if a girl likes you she will initiate.
Sorry to hear about LG - I guess that's the way the dating world goes. Well, move on to the next.
I don't know why you're expecting 2x4s. I wholeheartedly agree with what your IC said. You have to get rid of your shame and guilt. Exercise more self-compassion for yourself. You don't really know if you had made those changes earlier that it would've saved your M. Playing the 'what if' game is a dead-end. There is never going to be a satisfactory answer to that.
I excavate my past just to understand my failures and learn how to be better. I have been able to reach a stage where I don't have any emotions associated with looking back. I accepted that I was who I was, but now I am not that person. And I am practicing trying to be happy with myself today, but knowing that I could do a little bit better tomorrow. Be happy with where you are today. You are amazing and great where you are today. But you could do a little bit better tomorrow.
I think you're doing amazing compared to where things were. Keep your chin up!
H - I would just add that you should not feel bad. To me it is more of a reflection on your spouse that she was not willing to hold true to your vows. We all could have done things differently (woulda, coulda, shoulda) but IMO unless there is physical harm, abuse, some real hard reasons doing something like this because your in a bad spot, maybe lost some of your mojo, or whatever is pretty crappy reason. When I reflect back on my MR it makes me wonder how my XW would behave if I was bed ridden or gravely ill. Would should she have left me? Is that the type of person I want in my foxhole? No Fing way so never, ever feel that your a failure. Screw that.
I have absolutely no respect for my XW. My daughter had a soccer game yesterday at noon and my XW didn't even make it. She was fully aware and for whatever reason made the choice, as I know she was with her BF, by the way she answered a question when we were coordinating getting my oldest daughter to a birthday party.
You will find someone, some day that will blow your XW out of the water.
Sorry to hear about LG - I guess that's the way the dating world goes. Well, move on to the next.
I don't know why you're expecting 2x4s. I wholeheartedly agree with what your IC said. You have to get rid of your shame and guilt. Exercise more self-compassion for yourself. You don't really know if you had made those changes earlier that it would've saved your M. Playing the 'what if' game is a dead-end. There is never going to be a satisfactory answer to that.
I excavate my past just to understand my failures and learn how to be better. I have been able to reach a stage where I don't have any emotions associated with looking back. I accepted that I was who I was, but now I am not that person. And I am practicing trying to be happy with myself today, but knowing that I could do a little bit better tomorrow. Be happy with where you are today. You are amazing and great where you are today. But you could do a little bit better tomorrow.
I think you're doing amazing compared to where things were. Keep your chin up!
