I am so sorry that your sons are having a difficult time w/this situation, a situation that is not of your making or theirs. Therapy will be a safe place for them to talk, vent, express their anger and concerns.
As for your h, I'm glad you stood your ground and set your boundary...now you need to stick to that boundary and do not waffle on it.
Your h is still trying to control the home situation...poor man...he can't see and/or accept that he doesn't have that control any longer. He gave it up when he walked.
I think your h isn't happy w/what the lawyer is advising him that he can and can't do. I have this feeling, like my xh, he's going to go through a couple of lawyers before this is over with.
The article that Wonka referred to is very good. Take the time to read it.
I hope that you and your sons have a good week. I know it's tough to watch your children go through this painful journey, but I also know that you are an excellent mother and will be there for them and ensure that they get the help they need to navigate this situation.
Sending positive and warm thoughts your way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yeah, the control issues are brutal. He was emailing me certain things and saying "answer yes now." Or he asks me something in a very pushy way and then when I say I'll get back to him he picks arbitrary deadlines.
We're still trying to work out a temporary custody plan and he just chooses whatever is best for him. He doesn't care about the suddenness or all the shuffling for the kids, etc. Via my lawyer I have proposed we ease the kids into all this. S14 has issues with being there and with this whole mess.
H called me Friday (trying to go around the lawyers) asking for more time with them. Then he tells me to answer tomorrow by 11:00 AM. I tell him I won't have an answer by then. So then he says I have until Monday by noon.
He tells them on a Sunday about the divorce and he wants everyone ready to abide by his plan by Tuesday! He just dictates terms unilaterally. I cannot even believe the way he conducts himself: like a schoolyard bully.
He just thinks he controls everything as though there is no process here.
I need to toe the line and tell him to go through lawyers for everything. He is so unreasonable and it all translates in his correspondence. Job - I wonder what his lawyer makes of him. He has to see that my h thinks everything is on his terms.
And KML, no, he wants me to get his consent for a local move. He's even told me my budget.
HUGE control issues surfacing.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
His lawyer saw him coming and is looking at the billable hours he can get out of your h. Lawyers can tell when someone is off their rocker and acting very irrational. They see this quite often.
Keep reminding him to go through the lawyers. If he continues to give you deadlines, just say, "H, I will need to discuss this with my lawyer". You do not need to put up with that stuff. He's just a plain old bully and he doesn't like the fact that he's not getting his way.
As for a local move, if it's local, and not in the next town or state, there shouldn't be an issue. Who is he to tell you your budget? You are working a job and should know what your budget is. Talk about controlling...this guy is really out in left field. Laying all jokes aside, he really is an irrational man who has nothing else to do but try to control you and your every move.
Keep all messages, verbal and written. You may need them as you go along. BTW, I am truly sorry he's lost the plot. Reminds me of my xh in many ways.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh boy, do i sympathize with you! Unfortunately, from my experience, there is a good chance he will not obey the agreement. He is making his own rules and yours. Agreement or not, irrational stay irrational. Hang in there and stay strong. You are the responsable, sane parent. You also have control on the situation; more than you realise.
Just wishing you strength for you and your sons' sake.
Like job and exquisite mention, he is not going to play by anyone's rules other than his own. Its their continued efforts to control everything.
I've been going through the divorce process for many months now and I still can't wrap my head around how ex thinks he can trump the legal system. It blows my mind.... But as a mischievous finance guy, I did know he always thought he was above the law. It's foreign to me.
I'm sorry he is being so difficult. It just adds to the mess. He will have a real dose of reality when he realizes he can't control everything, especially you. I know it's hard to stand up to the bully, you seem to be doing a good job.
Stay strong for those boys, they need you right now. Seeing you as their rock, stability and safe place will help them through this.
Take care of yourself too HW. M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Thanks all. Yes, Exquisite, he did not honor the agreement. But days later his lawyer said they agreed so not sure how my lawyers handled it, but they did.
Pax and Mleigh - thanks for the support.
Job - ex's lawyer has his hands full. I have been copied on some correspondence that comes back from his lawyer. At one point his lawyer apologized for saying something ex said about me that the lawyer repeated. And on several occasions he has had to ask ex to stop bombarding me with correspondence and stop setting arbitrary deadlines on me.
Things are tense. Ex ignores me. On Friday I called him to work something out schedule wise for the kids and he hung up on me! He is MAD.ALL.THE.TIME.
I feel tremendous relief to have him out, truth be told. It is as Job said; I had no idea how hard it was having him in the home. Recently he was telling the kids about a book he was reading about how to slow down the aging process. Oh, how I do not miss those conversations. And I do feel like I can breathe easier. He was so miserable and brought such a foul mood to the house.
My niece came for a surprise visit this weekend. Kids were supposed to be with ex. But he dropped them off for the weekend. I am not sure if kids asked for it or how it all unrolled. I thought we'd only see them for part of the weekend but they were here the whole time she was here. I am so thankful for all the support.
When he dropped off the kids my niece and I were outside. She was quite distant with him. She said it was hard to see the kids dropped off and to think of how their lives have shifted. But she also revealed that she stopped liking him years ago when she watched how selfish he had become.
Within minutes of coming into the house, ex had sent niece a message telling her that her response to him was disrespectful to do in front of the kids, that she owes him more than that, that there are two sides to a story, that he has always thought so much of her and her family (my sister, BIL and my other niece), etc. He said he knew her loyalty was to me but he had his side but was too much of a gentleman to tell it. (The letter he wrote to me shows he is no sort of gentleman these days.) Then he signed off as "Respectfully, Still Uncle X."
She did not answer him. Odd how he thinks he can tell a 24 year old woman how she should treat him and what she owes him. I was surprised he cared to take the time to write to her. It turns out that all my nieces have not liked him in years. He hasn't really communicated with them in many, many years so not sure what she "owes" him.
Distance brings clarity. Ex has been very difficult for years. Actually, when I talked to a DB coach years ago and told her about the letter, she was quiet a bit and told me she did not think this marriage was workable. She was Christian and pro-marriage but she said that letter was cruel and completely abnormal. I am still glad I stayed as I had 2 more years with my kids.
Working hard to support my kids through all this. Lots and lots of anger coming out of son. He went to therapy but does not want to return. I think he found it hard to deal with all the emotions that were brought up. I wonder if ex didn't pooh pooh it all to him. I have tried to encourage him to return but conversations are contentious.
Ex is playing Disney dad. S14 tells me he likes going to his dad's as he doesn't have to think about anything and his dad doesn't ask any questions about how he is doing. Then all the emotion comes out here, at me. I know KML said it would be so but it still painful that it seems like everything is great there and at many times, hard here when those emotions bubble up here.
Next weekend one of my sisters is coming for the week. I am thankful for the support. My other sister will come within the month.
I will get through this . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Wow, when your d b coach says it may not be workable that is telling you something. You continue to be a great role model through all of this. And yes, I understand kids just having fun with dad and then being sad or even acting out with you as I have lived through the same. (((HaWho))).
So glad you have your family coming to support you during this time!!!
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Sweetheart, you're now realizing how much trauma living with him caused all of you. Are you getting IC for yourself? Just because he's gone doesn't mean the aftereffects of the past several years are also gone - quite the opposite, I've found.
Ask son to please try six visits, then if he doesn't want to any more he doesn't have to. I'm betting somewhere in that time frame he'll figure it out.
I"m glad your family is surrounding you - you need that right now. I wish I could give you a real hug. You've been through so much, and did everything humanly possible to avoid this, I know. I do have to say though, Ha, that at least now you have a chance to discover a new normal and so do the boys.
I know that it's hard when they reserve the happy for the Disney parent, but remember that YOU are the one son feels safest with, or you wouldn't have a ringside seat to what's really going on with him. That says everything about what a great mom you are.
Yes I also understand and have experienced the "angry all the time" separated spouse. I'm not really sure why they unleash all their anger on us. In my ex's case, I think at first it was because he'd been lying to me about his true feelings for years, and was blaming me for absolutely EVERYTHING in his life that he was dissatisfied with. Once the D was final, he was angry about that also. I think really they are just people incredibly lost and dissatisfied with their lives and they strike out at us as the nearest targets. I found that the best strategy was to ignore it to the best of my ability and realize it was about HIM not me.
Hang in there kiddo. Do not be bullied. xoxoxo
This too shall pass.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
My exh became a very angry man once he received the draft separation papers that he so richly demanded be prepared. They included everything he wanted in them and yet, he was the one that was angry. I found it quite difficult dealing w/him for the several years that went by until the divorce was final and he is still angry w/me because I wont' roll over and give him whatever he wants after all this time.
People think it's odd that he's the one that went off the rails, left home, had an affair, married his affair partner and he's the one that is still angry after all of this time. I forgave him and went on w/my life...you would think that if anyone should have been angry years ago, it should have been me...but like most of them out there, they harbor anger for many, many years and some even die angry old men.
Please do not allow that angry man to bully you into something you don't want or agree with.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
