Newcomer wondering what's happening #3

[petri]

I just read the midlife for dummies. Only two things that do not apply. Custody and divorce. She hasn't wanted custody and she has filed for D. Otherwise everything hits spot on

[Btrow]

But what I need to do doesn't really change if I've understood things right.

Yes, your actions/approach/path forward is the same.

She hasn't wanted custody and she has filed for D.

A woman not wanting custody of her children i cannot grasp. That literally screams "crisis" to me.

Whenever I read US boards I always take into account that some things are different there than in my home country. Regarding D, allthough I'm no expert, I'm almost certain the financial implications of being D in the US, is way more far-reaching than in Finland.

[petri]

A woman not wanting custody of her children i cannot grasp. That literally screams "crisis" to me.

This something that many of our friends have wondered. And they wonder about the dog thing too. The dogs have always been important to her. Now all of a sudden they are a burden to her and always have been. Just like our M/R has been wrong and pure shait from the beginning. And what she said about S11 that she never wanted him. Only had him to please me.

[sandi2]

What is was thinking here...if a loss/losses can snap her, how can it happen when she wants to get rid of everything herself...

Some people don't fully understand about the WW having to suffer some type of loss, before she'll start turning back. As for the "snapping out of it", I really wish you would forget it. I am very suspicious of any reports (which I remember only a few) where LBH's claim their WW has suddenly snapped out of her waywardness and now is her old loving self again. These are cases where it's just a front, and/or she hasn't dealt with her inner issues, and she can't stick with it. So, the waywardness continues. Although, I believe age, health, influences from family/friends, and other circumstances play a part in how long it takes her to recover.....I just have not seen genuine results from those who claimed to have just snapped out of it.

Also, her "loss" that takes a powerful emotional toll, may not be the tangible things. You may have no idea what that loss is, and it may have nothing directly to do with you. However, the loss will be directly connected to her waywardness. IMHO, she has to recognize the loss as her consequences, and that she cannot blame anyone else for those results. She has to take responsibility. She did the wrong, and this is her consequence for it. Since her nature as a WW is to blame everything wrong on someone else (mainly her H), and since she is usually highly resentful/angry......it will take a loss that pierces her cold, resentful, hard heart.

In some cases, it may take an accumulative loss, rather than one specific. I had not actually experienced consequences that I could tell, until I had the biggie. However, I had been getting a few glimpses into some things about the OM that bothered me....but not enough to end the A. IMHO, it was all falling into the perfect timing for what was about to hit me. My "biggie" was when my adult daughter informed me that she knew everything about me and OM.

My "loss" was very personal. It was about losing my children's respect for me. Not just as their mother, but there was something that was even more important to me. For my family, our faith/religion was the foundation for everything in our lives. I had always been a very active teacher in our church, and I had had the privilege of teaching my children at home and in many classes in the church as they were growing up. Seeing them grow up to be devoted and loving Christians, was probably my greatest desire. The last thing I ever wanted to do was something that would negatively influence their faith. I had one teenager that had their young faith shaken by seeing some other people claiming to be Christians, but with actions that were very unchristian.....so I had tried very hard to positively influence them by living and teaching them. That was until my resentfulness toward my H came closer and closer to the surface, until it became a full blown rebellion. I tried to keep the rebellion hidden, but I had allowed my resentment and disrespect for my H to cross the line. It was no longer just feelings, b/c it had taken action, and I had given my attention to OM. When I did, the devil must have been celebrating, b/c it ruined my testimony.

Can you imagine the thoughts and fear that hit me when my daughter told me she knew about the OM? It wasn't fear in the way some might think. It was feeling as if I was watching everything I had taught them as though it was water swirling around and around, going down the drain. Would they think it was all a lie? Would they think all Christians were fake and there was nothing to any of it? I was sure they would believe I was the biggest hypocrite on the planet. However, my greatest fear was them turning away from God, due to my own sins. Perhaps you can or can't identify with how what I taught about my religious belief/faith was so high on my list of most importance. But I can tell you that my heart was pierced until I could not breathe. And, guess where we were when she approached me and told me she knew everything? In the parking lot of our church. At the time, I was trying to go through the outward motions that I thought would be seen, so yes, I was a hypocrite. I was definitely out of fellowship with the plan of God. He has a way of bringing the hidden things to light. And in the light of that day in the church parking lot, I stood before my daughter, guilty of the very thing I had tried so hard to fight.

The pain still comes and goes, and it always will. It was the only time I had ever strayed, but it only takes once to shake the foundation of young believers. I've asked myself if I had had pride about my teaching. I asked myself if I had been judgmental of others who had fell away. I had to admit that it was true. I loved teaching more than eating. It was my passion in life. Pride and judging of others was stripped away. In it's place came humility and sorrow. I was forgiven, but I still live with the memory of the hurt and great, great disappointment that I caused others.

That was my experience and it shook the fantasy and opened my eyes enough to realize I needed someone to talk to me.....and help me! That's why I found this forum. Anyway, I hope you don't mind me talking about my personal experience and the subject matter around it.

The love for my H didn't come flooding back into my heart as soon as I was busted by my daughter. It was more like a series of things that happened, leading up to that point. Perfect timing. And it took work before I was emotionally ready to put the effort into my MR that was needed. Do you get that even if your W sees her loss, that doesn't mean she will decide to stay in the M? Some women stick with their decision to divorce. I'm just being honest and realistic with you. Seeing her loss does not fix the problem. It just opens her eyes.

So, I think for you to be looking for her loss, if that's what you're doing.....is setting yourself up for disappointment. It will chop away at you every time you think she should be able to see what she's losing. In your eyes, you can see a lot of loss. However, you are not the one drowning in the fantasy fog. It's her eyes that have to see. There is something that will shake her so hard that it will begin to crumble her fantasy and she'll be forced to see the reality she has placed herself and her loved one. What she decides to do after seeing the loss....is up to her.

And remember this little note. If she decided today that she wanted to save the M, you would be relieved, I'm sure. And then, you would start going through your own period of feeling like a WAH. In many of the cases where the WW decides to stay, we are reading how the H's fear finally settles down b/c he's not losing his W, and then guess what? He starts experiencing all the emotions he placed on hold when she was dumping him. All he could think about was just getting her back, and once he does.....then he begins feeling anger toward her and feeling as if he deserves more/better than her. Ain't life grand?


((hugs))

[petri]

Thank you again Sandi. Why I asked about the loss/losses was merely because in my eyes W doesn't give a f about anything. It seems like it doesn't matter if everything goes as long as BFF is there.

And if she was to come back now. Would I give hr a chance? Not without terms. This woman needs therapy. Badly. MC. Sincere apology. Remorse. And all of that is something I've never seen her done/shown.

[petri]

And Btrow the anxiety and depression she claims to about our house. B/c she hates it. That is the only thing that has been constant in this whole process. It became even before the ILYBINILWY and other BDs.

[neffer]

Then the vicious circle. This wpuld be better if drawn as a picture.

Inner/outer stimulus(the seed is planted)
I.e. "I'm not happy"

Interpretation of threat
I.e. "I'm trapped/I'll never be happy here"

This causes agitation and anxiety which leads to

Physical and psychological symptoms(circle begins)
I.e. Pressure in chest, anxiety, depression

Misinterpretation
I.e. "M/R is causing this, H/W is causing this"

Avoidance and safety precautions(circle ends and begins again)
I.e. Denial, withdrawl, alcohol, nagging etc.



Does this make any sense to anyone?

To me...
I suffered these symptoms. Being surrounded by OW and enablers in an enclosed working environment...having the nice guy behavior: it was very difficult to say NO to something at that time. Too much pressure. Ufff, is not good to recall those days. Anyway I was/am responsible for all my wrong actions. I´m a grown up man so I must face my very very bad choices. I took the way back home then and here I am, at a better place.

Keep walking petri

[petri]

W just texted me and invited me for dinner tomorrow...what's happening here?

[Btrow]

I believe the term you are looking for is cake eating

No one knows. Could be nothing, could be something or it could be major. Let us know tomorrow what it was all about. I'm sure you'll spend a lot of mind reading time until tomorrow and realise your best guess was way off..

[petri]

My guess is it's nothing. No expectations, no dissapointments.