Hey man! Hope today ends well and you're able to get through tomorrow on your terms. Come back and let us know how it goes.
Aside from this board - which has been a lifesaver, I've been reading stuff on zen habits and Ed Latimore's website. It's been good for a lot of food for thought and helped my DBing. Also, been hitting up a lot of podcasts lately and that's been great too.
Hey dude.....I went to the gym this morning and worked some things out. I will keep you all posted and I will check out what you recommended. I don't think the conversation will be too deep with R talk. IMO it will be mostly factual about our finances and what the next steps are. Trust me I will not bring up our R nor will a turn into Mr. Melty Man.
My D's are doing wonderfully which IMO is a testament to how my W and I have handled the situation.
I will let her know that I will provide to her any information she needs and as many things we can agree to between ourselves the better off we will be financially. So really the next steps are for her to retain an A and to just keep me posted. I don't want to give her too much advice etc. but since I controlled all of our finances I do think she would want to have someone watching out for her interests. I understand the A's are going to get into the middle of things but I guess that is probably something that can't be avoided but the extent of which we can communicate with each other the better.
Other than that it feels like a mini BD all over again. Not nearly the same level of emotion but it is still impactful. I find myself re-hashing everything over in my mind again. How could this of happened? How did I get to this place? WHY WHY WHY??? I just remind myself that there are many things in this world we will never know the answers to so why should I expect something different? I don't deserve an answer any more than anyone else does. The fact is people change and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. It is what it is.
Financially it [censored], I am disappointed that all of the plans made are going to get blown up. Then I get angry when I think about who I am as person and what she is walking away from. My ego says, "Really, who do you think you are going to find better than me, good luck with that". Then I think about my girls having a step-dad and what that is going to be like. He better treat them with respect is all I have to say. Again, driven by anger and ego. So in some ways I feel like I am cycling again.
These are the thoughts I have running through my head but since this is a safe place I feel ok in venting. If you all new me in real life you would know I would never act on anything. I am very self-aware and I do know that anything I would say would be misplaced emotion and would serve no purpose.
The fact is I truly want my W to find her happiness, I really do. If she is happy then my hope is that my girls will be happy when they are with her. I am sad that I could not help her find her happiness or she felt like her current life was not filled with happiness but it was a life we built together so she is just as much to blame for it as am I. I also know that this is more about her than me and while that is hard to accept it does bring me some peace. As we say her journey.
With all this said. I don't have any problems letting her go and will do so with my head held high. I really do hope she finds peace and happiness.
When you have to face that your spouse really wants to D, the feelings can be overwhelming. Before it happens, it's easier to DB and have hope. Afterwards, the absolute reality of it all hits you hard. Don't be too hard on yourself for feeling this way.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
J9, I have been following your ditch and have read everything you've wrote. For what its worth, your reply to W when she said she wanted to move forward and the response (lack their of) has helped me immensely.
I'm sad to hear of you recent developments. I hope you find your peace.
Originally Posted By: Joseph9
I am sad that I could not help her find her happiness or she felt like her current life was not filled with happiness but it was a life we built together so she is just as much to blame for it as I.
This is something I'm having the worst time with. I just feel like I FAILED. It cuts me up just thinking about it.
Anyways, just wanted to share how you've helped without knowing it and I wish the best to you and your girls.
Good luck tomorrow and remember to negotiate from a position of strength. Look at it as a business deal for you and your daughters lively. Don’t let the thought of reconciliation effect your judgement. It will have zero impact on that in the future. Take no less then 50/50 custody. Insist on you keeping your castle and the rest is a calculation.
Truthfully the worst is past you. The not knowing limbo stage. By the end of 2018 you’ll be in really good shape and ready to progress in your journey.
Take care my friend and of course dilly dilly lol!
Hi all, just got back from youngest D's basketball game. She scored 12 of thier 22 points so it was really awesome to watch! The W and my oldest where their but I didn't have much interaction with them as I was at the scorers table helping keep score. I got up early this morning, got some legs in and played baketball for 2 hours. Needless to say I am a little spent.
H - I agree I think holding on to hope is fine but you can't let that interfere with detaching. I know I am not 100% detached yet so that is why I suppose it impacted me some. I feel much better today though and am ready to get down to business.
K - I am glad to hear that you have found some strength/wisdom from my sitch. I am sad but I do have total peace and am ready to move forward. I am confident with how I have conducted myself as a husband, father and during this sitch. The sad reality is that my W has changed, wants something different in life and feels that I can no longer provide it her.
If you have made mistakes in your MR work diligently to be a better man for yourself but don't for one second own your W's problems. Truthfully, I may not have provided my W what she needed emotionally, we grew apart or whatever but she was a pretty crappy W as well. I think I just tolerated a bunch of crap because I thought it was part of being MR.
I love my W, want her to be happy but I will not second guess myself. I did the best I could with the tools that I had at the time. I was naive and didnt understand "Love Languages" etc. but I was not a bad husband/father.
Hang in there!
LH - Correct, business decision. Recom will not longer jade what I want. 50/50 and the house......the rest we can haggle out with the A's.
I do feel the worst is past me and the rest is just the paperwork.
Thank you for all the support! Off to the dungeon!!!
JJ - I hope things are going well for you and your W. In the back of my mind I always thought it would come to this so while I held onto hope I am not shocked.
As I went into LRT and pulled away she never moved towards me, never showed any interest. I am sure she appreciated me giving her all the space but unfortunately it never impacted her.
Alright the W just left. We had a very matter of fact conversation about her wanting to procced with D over a beer on the couch. There was no R talks and I did not turn into Mr. Melty Man. The conversation lasted about an hour. I thought asking her if she wanted to get some lunch but I had no idea what I would talk to her about so I didn't offer. At the end she Thank me for being so thorough with what I laid out for her. I feel like I am leading her through the D process.
Everything we spoke about was finances. She does not want the house and wants to maintain 50/50 custody. She I feel like that is a win for me. Everything else will be split 50/50 so only other thing we will need to come to terms on is what I will pay her each month. There are a couple of other things that we will need to address as well but I think it should be pretty smooth.
I informed her of what the next steps are and that she just needs to keep me posted on her progress. I only showed her a strong confident man, there was no hugging or anything of that nature. At one point in time she was apologizing for asking me about money. I told her she does not need to apologize, it is part of the process. She commented to me that you know I don't have anyone or any family. I told her I understand I that I want her to be happy. That was the only conversation about us.
After she drank half her beer and we were wrapping up she told me she was getting sleepy and I could tell she was over whelmed by the conversation. Truthfully she just looks wore down, doesn't look happy and seems just really miserable. I called my mom to give her an update and she asked me if I thought I needed to reach out to her 1 more time and ask her if this what she really wanted. I told her there is no way in h$ll that is going to happen. She is a big girl and can make her own decisions.
I asked my W if she had an A and she said no. She asked me what the next steps where and I walked her though what she needed to do to file. It really appeared to me that there was no OM because if there was I would of thought she would be more educated on the process or she would have been much different with how she approached me.
Anyways that is about it, I guess we shall see how quickly she moes forward but I don't anticipate anything changing.
