No.5 – WW started talking about D and how “she couldn’t get a D” I responded with “I will never file and that she shoulders the responsibility for destroying the family” I also mentioned that ANYBODY can file for D and I couldn’t or wouldn’t stop her.
No 11 – WW asked “why wouldn’t you want to file for D?” I responded “because I L my family, I love my MR and I L my W” < I’m conflicted here as it’s been at least 10-months since something like this has happened and instinct kicked in with me “feeling” it a good time to reiterate my stance for standing for my MR.
No 34 – Not really broken in the true sense of the word but. WW mentioned how she felt about the lack of affection between us aiding in her decision to have an A to which I countered with “since this all began and until now I have looked at where I failed and know going forward these failing won’t happen again, I will always hold 50% responsibility for our problems in the MR”
I also said to her that a MR is a “work in progress” which needed to be nurtured and monitored throughout, I also said “you took the easy option and found a solution in another man’s arms and bed” I need to say here for the newcomers that I was TOTALLY blindsided by her change in attitude towards me and fell for it hook line and sinker… It made me feel as though she was open to this conversation, she soon changed…
Towards the end of the conversation she said to me “I hope I haven’t got your hopes up?” at this point I laughed has as the conversation went on I knew I had placed myself in a weak position and this comment summed up the temperature check in all its glory and my complete failure to better DR the situation!
I know I failed all of you here and can only apologies BUT I try to find some positive from all the negative…
1. She now knows I remain committed to the MR but I feel she always did know. 2. She also knows I will not be punished by her driving towards a D as I see this as 1 of 2 next logical steps, I reiterated that she can indeed file for D and that I will manage that situation when it happens. She understands that I don’t see a D as a threat.
She left making a b-line to say goodbye to me especially, a massive difference to the norm lots of eye contact and smiles but there would be she knows I’m still hooked! < Advice to the newcomer.
The above raises questions for me who as everybody knows on this forum is out rightly standing for his marriage. 1. My post is about limerence and basically time, does the above incident reset the clock..? 2. I feel a natural consequence of time will erode their A relationship, was her “new” attitude a baby step in this erosion? 3. How will the AP/LO react after hearing about this conversation..?
It’ll be interesting whether WW will pursue D but in all honesty I really don’t waste any time on this, can’t control it why bother!
The whole conversation started due to me mentioning I needed to change the amount of financial support I give to her due to me planning on visiting most of Europe for my 50th. Affecting the parenting plan for a whole month it had to be raised, unfortunately her attitude completely took me by surprise and need to remember the key statement when this crops up again –
“We have nothing to say to each other until you agree to work on the MR and re-commit to me.” Now say after me…
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
You seem like a really great guy and an awesome Dad. I have posted some similar opinions on your thread in the past.
First there is scientific merit to your limerence theory. The problem when it does wear off and the relationship starts to fade there are no guarantees she comes back to you. I feel your story is like a Sandra Bullock movie. That if you just stand for your marriage and show her how much you love her she will run back into you arms.
When in reality she's thinking after all the horrible things I have done to this guy, he still wants me back. What is wrong with this guy? Does he not love and value himself enough? I hate to say it because I really like you but her and AP/LO are going to get a good laugh about it.
"I will never file for D" definitely shouldn't have been said. Yes, it does start the clock all over again.
Please read Accurays threads he has great insight on valuing yourself.
I know I failed all of you here and can only apologies BUT I try to find some positive from all the negative…
Mark, you haven't failed anyone, least of all "us." You don't owe us anything, we're here to support you, not for you to answer to us in any way. Remember this is all about YOU, what YOU want, and what YOUR future looks like. Don't externalize this. You need to be doing everything you're doing for YOURSELF (and in some cases your children) and not for your WW, or us, or the mailman.
Don't lose sight of that.
Quote:
How will the AP/LO react after hearing about this conversation..?
How would he hear about the conversation? Are you going to tell him? Why? I know it's tempting to want to tell the AP all the crap your W is saying and doing (which demonstrate her poor character, and the fact that she's "disloyal" to him, too) but I promise it won't do you any good. First off, you're just giving HIM power over you, too, and do you really want that? Then, you're giving your WW the kibbles of having both of you fight over her. She wants that. She wants the drama, and to feel wanted and desired by both of you. You're also displaying weakness. And, of course, you will give your WW yet another reason to be "angry" with you ("how dare you take what I told you and try to embarrass me with it!")
Beyond that? He's either not going to care, or not going to believe you, anyway. I promise that he's either:
a: a piece of grade A human garbage that doesn't give a rats ass b: absolutely convinced that your WW is the most awesome, special woman in the world, and you're a total POS who doesn't deserve her, and all of this is your fault, and you deserve what you got.
Don't go there. You will set back what you hope to accomplish. You will damage your mental health further. Continue to detach, focus on you, and accept that you have control over nothing but yourself.
Thanks for your input and you knew I would respond...
I understand that what happened wasn’t good DR’ing and again was totally surprised by the attitude. To counter.
“The problem when it does wear off and the relationship starts to fade there are no guarantees she comes back to you” < Aware of this of course BUT do you have any thoughts on the WW getting to a position when being faced with good DR’ing she might feel a certain sense of pride that she can’t go back or be unsure as to the route back to the MR is gone? Good being the lighthouse but not if the bulbs gone…
“That if you just stand for your marriage and show her how much you love her she will run back into your arms.” < Again too long in the tooth to expect this to happen. Please re-read I stressed to her that I wouldn’t stand in the way of any D proceedings.
“When in reality she's thinking after all the horrible things I have done to this guy, he still wants me back. What is wrong with this guy? Does he not love and value himself enough?” < Totally agree with this statement BUT I am human and was caught out with her change in stance! I do feel I’ve set myself back BUT isolation from the MR plays into the hands of the AP/LO, I’m not in their face or doing any of the pursuing! I have not gone back to the first few days after BD and doing all the wrong things it’s just that her demeanor was a step change difference!
“I hate to say it because I really like you but her and AP/LO are going to get a good laugh about it.” < Maybe IF she mentions it but now the AP/LO knows I’m here and not going anywhere any time soon. I’m his biggest threat and now I’ve told him I fight and will continue to, they can choose to stagnate or progress D but I’m like the dripping tap in the background with history and family and the knowledge that with each day their R is getting more and more “normal” and susceptible to the same riggers of a “normal” MR. Have I just added pressure on his desire to be with my WW?
“I will never file for D" definitely shouldn't have been said. Yes, it does start the clock all over again.” < I feel you’ve missed the point here the statement I said about “never file for D” is about her having accountability for her actions, within the same sentence I stated to her that she can progress a D herself and I’m not interested either way! No it does not restart the clock, he hasn’t all of a sudden got more attractive me less maybe but I also demonstrate loyalty, commitment to our family a trust that can’t be compared. Eventually these qualities will be realized.
This episode was just a blip, a backslide I continue on my journey nothing else has changed I continue to DR.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Aware of this of course BUT do you have any thoughts on the WW getting to a position when being faced with good DR’ing she might feel a certain sense of pride that she can’t go back or be unsure as to the route back to the MR is gone? Good being the lighthouse but not if the bulbs gone…
Have you been reading what sandi posts? WW are all about selfish, entitled, pride. It's entirely possible, even probable, that she will decide that she "can't" go back "because reasons" (like the fact that everyone she's told that you're an absolutely horrible human being, husband, father, and man will ask her why she'd go back and she'll have to tell the truth).
You're still too focused on things other than yourself. Focus on you. That's ALL you have control over, that's ALL you can plan for. You HAVE TO let go or you're going to wear yourself down to nothing!
And if you really do still want her back, then you're going about it the wrong way. All she sees is that you're still a reliable plan B. That's it. And if she comes back, it'll just be exercising plan B. And I PROMISE YOU there will be another plan A in her future.
“The problem when it does wear off and the relationship starts to fade there are no guarantees she comes back to you” < Aware of this of course BUT do you have any thoughts on the WW getting to a position when being faced with good DR’ing she might feel a certain sense of pride that she can’t go back or be unsure as to the route back to the MR is gone? Good being the lighthouse but not if the bulbs gone…
I think for me, the biggest issue I have with the path you've decided to walk is that it's all based on Limerance wearing off and her "leaving" the OM. In my thinking, even when/if limerance wears off, what makes you think that she won't just keep on keeping on with OM? She will never have to decide if she should choose you instead of OM because she knows you will always be there if things ever go wrong with OM.
In other words, unless some major malfunction occurs with them, limerance or not, she may just stay with him and never have to "choose" him over you, because she will always have you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
do you have any thoughts on the WW getting to a position when being faced with good DR’ing she might feel a certain sense of pride that she can’t go back or be unsure as to the route back to the MR is gone? Good being the lighthouse but not if the bulbs gone…
hi, Mark... i am a former WW... i am familiar with your situation... i have been following it from your first post... in my situation, i had two EAs that H found out about... first one, and then a few months later, a second one... after discovering the second EA there was a HUGE fallout... but eventually, we stayed together... got passed it--sort of... but he did warn that if i ever did anything like that again, he would go scorched earth... there would be no going back...
well--in time i did it again... it got ugly between us... i was not ugly toward him, but he was toward me--and i believed that i deserved it... i moved away across the country for 18 months... we co-parented our boys... i came back... after being separated for 3 years, and legally separated about 2 of those years, i came to him and asked if he would considered reconciliation... he could have said no... he could have laughed in my face... i was nervous, anxious... but i did it anyway...
nothing would have stopped me from asking him... not the ugliness of the early days... not the shame of my actions... but we had both moved on, as much as you could, for a good amount of time without being divorced... and i cannot say that he was any type of light bulb or light house, or that he paved a smooth road back home to him... or that he even left the door slightly ajar... yet--i approached him...
at this point in time--almost 3 years piecing, i could never see myself living out my days with anyone else...
Mark, I think you think you are practicing "good DR" but everyone here has been trying to tell you that you aren't. You are practicing "prove that you are still available as plan B." To really DB/DR well, you need to detach, be mysterious, make her wonder, let her see you are moving on with your life, etc. Instead of giving her something to want to return to, you are making yourself look a very unappealing/desperate choice.
Thank you all for your comments, again I stress this was a blip based on a very strange new attitude towards me which basically caught me out.
I posted this to highlight to the newcomers how even after soo long we can still be emotional animals that from time to time forget the "rules" and DR! For the last 6-months detachment and being smart when face 2 face with WW as been textbook and I will continue to DR to the letter.
Artista - I understand your comments and if you all could see our interaction I would suggest our R has evolved into nothing more than a friendship based on us both having children together! Time is on my side I will remain that safe place but with DR imprinted in my head and Sandi ringing in my ears ;-)
I will continue to stalk and post if I feel something good can come from it.
I keep going.
Thanks again all.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
