I guess I'm looking for some advice.... I'd like to be supportive, and help her get back on track by helping to resolve the issues that make doing her homework so hard now. But I don't see how I can still let her go to the party.
Personally, I think it would be a mistake. If you punish her by not allowing her to attend her best friends 16th birthday party, she may really rebel about everything. Since she is not talking about her feelings with her parents, she needs someone who will listen and support her. Her friend probably does, but I suggest you check with the school counselor and see if she will feel free to talk. If s/he is only an academic counselor, then seeking a family therapist may be in order.
She is the innocent that gets hurts in the fallout of her parents' disaster. It's probably hard for her to find motivation to even do the homework, when she feels her world falling apart. Let her know you are concerned for her emotional well being b/c you love her. You want her to feel free to go to you about anything......not keep secrets b/c she's afraid you'll punish her.
I tried very hard to put your suggestions into effect. I had a long talk with her, let her know I loved and was concerned for her, and let her go to the party. We discussed consequence v punishment and how she couldn't stay at her friends house because then she'd be too tired to do her homework today.
When I picked her up, she was happy, sweet, and friendly, so I guess I did some things right.
Today, she was focused, and got a lot of homework done. And I even took her for a session with a counsellor.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
explicitly said it was hard not having a schedule, knowing where they would be spending each night. (WAW and I both travel extensively. Our custody basically says when I'm working, she gets the kids, and vice versa.) WAW and I coordinate our schedules, but haven't really shared them with the kids. Now that I know, I drew up a calendar for January, and diagrammed when we would each be travelling, and where the kids would be each night. We'll see how that works out.
Jim I think you handled it great. We have to remember our kids are going through a lot of stress too. I know at work I have a hard time concentrating as well. I can imagine kids in school have the same difficulties.
I have also heard knowing the schedule is important to kids.
I see a pattern in this, 25 posted some amazing posts at the start of your last thread about the passive aggressive umbrella incident and punishment with regard to the advance payment on the house. Comments about protecting from consequences, I think you might choose to reread and see if you have a pattern.
V,
I reread 25's posts, a few times, and thought about it for a while, but honestly don't see the parallels. I think 25 had some very good comments about those situations, but I don't see how they apply to this one. Can you spell it out for me a little more?
thanks
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, I'm so sorry to hear your daughter has had a rough time. It sounds like you took the right approach. Perhaps a homework tutor or any other way of keeping her accountable could help if she doesn't improve, but your love and understanding sound like the important things at this time.
I finalize the refinancing of my house on Friday. She has already signed the paperwork to get her name off the deed. After the refi on my house (the marital home) is complete, she can refi her new house and get me off her deed and mortgage.
The end of the school quarter is Thursday. D16 has been staying with WAW all week, and WAW is getting D16 to finish her school work. D16 and I had a huge argument on Saturday about it. I didn't handle myself well, and apologized to her the next day, when she was at her mother's.
S17 just got his first college acceptance today. It's his third choice, but we're all very happy.
I took S and D on a college visit Saturday (had the blow up with D16 afterward). We had a really nice time. I asked WAW if she wanted to join us, and she was going to come, but had a contractor at her house, so she had to stay home. I didn't put any pressure on her, and she would have come if she could have.
S17 was in a play last weekend. I was going on Fri and told WAW. She said she was going that night, too, and asked if I wanted her to buy the tickets. I said sure. Went with D16, and went out for a bite to eat beforehand, and a really nice time. Again, I was polite and pleasant, and put no pressure on her.
W has had issues with her house. A pipe froze, ruining her kitchen ceiling, kitchen floor, basement ceiling, and basement floor. She texted me about it, and I let her know that I knew she could handle it, and I let her. (The contractor couldn't finish the work, so she couldn't come on the college visit)
Later Saturday night, her blower for her furnace failed and she had no heat. I did the civil thing, and told her if it got too cold, she could come stay in the spare bedroom. Again, no pressure. She texted me later to say she got two space heaters working, and since it was a mild night, she'd be fine, but thanks for the offer, and I expressed confidence in her ability to deal with this issue, too. The weather's been mild, so she's had time to fix it.
Yesterday, she let me know her heating options... expensive fix, or new furnace, and asked my advice. I let her know my thoughts and she asked what if I was wrong? "Then you get the satisfaction of telling me how wrong I was." She thought that was very funny.
Today she sent a very long text about a lot of things, but included was the question about continuing to pay child support after S17 graduates. I told her I'm still thinking about it, and she said she needs to know before she proposes a settlement offer.
I suspect nothing's changed, but subconsciencly I think I'm trying to convince myself that she's maybe having second thoughts, enjoying, and seeking out my company again. I'm still struggling a bit with detachment, but trying. I'm faking it better, at least.
I think GAL is going fairly well. I'm playing volleyball 2 nights a week, going out and seeing friends, old and new, dating some, getting to the gym a few times a week.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Sounds like you have a lot of communication with your W and maybe she is having second thoughts. I would keep the communication minimal and keep your side of it short and/or curt text messages.
I agree with your approach about being civil and doing things such as going to Son's play and even offering her the room when her heating stopped. In those situations I ask myself whether I would be doing this for an acquaintance, and if yes, then I'll do it for W.
Having refinanced the house, it sounds like you are very close to finalizing the D?
I'd like to think she's having second thoughts, but I am pretty sure that's wishful thinking on my part. I'm not sure how to separate the wishful thinking from the reality. Time, I guess.
I like to think I take the same approach... if I'd do it for a friend, I'd do it for her. But I'm not sure if that is NGS in disguise.
LOL, no we're not close to finalizing. She keeps talking about a settlement agreement, but nothing ever happens. I'm not doing it for her, so it doesn't go anywhere.
I don't know if she keeps bringing it up to see if I'm still on her string, or she is really about to send me the settlement agreement, but I have been really nonchalant whenever it comes up. If it weren't for this board, I'd freak out every time.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I'd like to think she's having second thoughts, but I am pretty sure that's wishful thinking on my part.
I have thought this at times as well. When it happens I start to feel a little extra bounce in my step and I think could this be the start??? It ends up not being close so then I remind myself TO HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS! That way you can't be let down
I have thought this at times as well. When it happens I start to feel a little extra bounce in my step and I think could this be the start??? It ends up not being close so then I remind myself TO HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS! That way you can't be let down
Yeah, I'm trying to have no expectations, but there's always this little voice in the back of my head...
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
It's hard to let go of the expectations. Every time I am getting hopeful to turning things around the throws another bomb my way. Best to detach
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
