Yes I agree that maybe I did move in with him too soon. My living situation was not idea, and I was not sure where I wanted to move, so when H asked me to move in with him I thought it was a good idea. Now looking back, I can see where it was too early.
Job...I am becoming frustrated, disappointed and angry with H. I find that my fuse is quite a bit shorter then it has been. Things he used to say or do did not really have much impact on me, but since learning a few more things about H, I do find myself getting to that place again.
I don't really have any loving feelings towards him right now. There is zero affection between us. We basically are room mates.
Coly...for me it is a difficult position to be in with his parents. I asked him if he thought I deserved an apology from them for the way they treated me and things they said, and I got silence. So for me the answer is clear, they will unlikely ever apologize to me. He said they were simply reacting to what he was telling them about me. And, that he has since told them that everything he told them about me was a lie, and that he was the problem in the marriage.
Probably the best thing about the parent situation is that they live in a different country.
I've been spending some time away from him recently and he has been asking "what are you going" and "who are you going with" and "what did you talk about" ........... I am keeping all of that to myself. He acts like it doesn't bother him that he doesn't know, but does he really need to?
My friend said she feels me becoming indifferent about H and our situation. I know that once you get to that place it usually is difficult to come back from.
I am working the next 2 days, and those days are usually pretty long and there is not much interaction between H and I, so maybe this is a good time
I sensed that you were getting frustrated, disappointed and angry w/him. This is one of things that I and others have cautioned posters about...when living w/a person in crisis, the expectation level has to be at zero at all times. They aren't the same person that you knew and loved. You are dealing w/the exact opposite/mirror image of that man. Since you state that you are living as room mates, then expect him to act like one and treat him just as someone sharing the place w/you.
As for his parents, don't hold your breath on getting an apology. Blood is thicker than water and they may never take the leap and say "we are sorry for what we've said and did". Consider the source and if they are visiting, go about your business and hold your head up high, back straight for you are not the one that went off the deep end. If, after seeing you two together (again), they soften up and be friendly, but I would venture to say that all parties will be uneasy until things settle down. I know you are hurt by what they've said and done, but they were listening to the things that their son told them. Some parents will make peace and others won't. Time will tell...but you can't force them to apologize. They are the ones that have to live w/the guilt of what they've done by judging you and the situation. I wouldn't discuss this any more w/your h. I would leave it alone for now.
Since you are living as room mates, I wouldn't share too much of what you are doing and w/whom. I would go about my business and let him wonder what you are doing.
Try to keep the focus on you. Find things that will help w/focusing. As for your h, leave him to himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello all......I've been keeping up with everyone's posts as much as I can, so I thought I would post a little update on my sitch.
Things with H and I are better in some ways, but not in others. We are still living as room mates. We are having good conversations, and H is actually sharing his thoughts and some emotions more often. We are sleeping in the same bed, but there is zero intimacy between the two of us. When H leaves he will come find me and give me a kiss good bye. He does make an effort to call during the day and stay in touch with how his day has been.
He continues to do that Landmark education and has found it to be very helpful. He recently went to one of their forums about communication, and when he returned after the 3 days, he said he now understands how little he communicates with me, and is going to try and work on that and asked me to be patient with him.
We recently had a conversation where he told me some things that I had never heard before. He said that during our marriage he felt like he wasn't good enough. I didn't really push him on that, but I did ask him if I was the one who made him feel that way and he said no.
He also mentioned that when he told me that he loved me a few weeks ago he was being vulnerable with me, and was showing emotions that were difficult for him to do. He said that he was very sad afterward because I didn't react/respond the way he expected me to. He said he shut down a few days after that and is now having a hard time showing emotions for fear of how I will react. I told him that is not fair to me, and that he cant have expectations of me like that.
He says he knows that he is still trying to control what he wants me to know. By that I mean, he only shares certain things in regards to his finances, bills, emails and texts, but wants me to share all that info with him. He says he has nothing to hide, but for me not sharing all aspects of his life still feels very secretive. He has a piece of paper with all his user name and passwords to accounts and he said that he keeps that with him at all times because he doesn't want me to find it and know his login information, because then I would be able to log in and see his emails, bills or bank account info.
He said he still is having issues with trusting me, but then turns around and says "I do trust you".....???? He said it is very easy for him to go back to where he was before BD when it comes to trust, but says he doesn't want to. I am confused on just what the issues he is having as far as trust is concerned....I honestly think it is all about control for him.
I am doing more things with friends and going places and having fun. He will ask me where I am going, but I don't give a lot of details. He said he feels like I am "playing games" when I do that
I know that he is not the same person he was before BD....neither of us is. I do see where he has made positive changes and really is trying to be more honest and open, and communicate more. I am working on being more patient with him, but honestly it is difficult for me at times.
I feel like I am stuck
1. do I stay with a man who is not willing to let go of his control issues 2. still having trouble trusting me 3. doesn't want to be intimate with his me
I look forward to hearing everyone's thoughts and opinions
My question to you is what do you want to do? Are you willing to hang in there for another 3, 6 or even 12 months to see if he turns around?
From your posting, it sounds like he's making some positive steps in the right direction. The comment he made about trust issues w/you...they are normal for someone who is dealing w/crisis issues.
Dealing w/someone in crisis takes a lot of patience, compassion and understanding. They can't just snap out of their funk because they have to work thru it. The crisis didn't just happen, it took years in the making and it will take a few years to work thru. If he is in crisis, it will take him quite a while to become more intimate w/you. Nothing against you at all, but his feelings toward you are "numb" at the moment. It's all part of the depression and if you read up on depression, they can become "numb" to many things, including having sex w/their partner.
Your h sounds like he's learned some valuable lessons from the Landmark education he's be participating in. Do you want to toss in the towel now that he's starting to warm up a bit?
You are the only one that can decide whether you stay or go.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the reply Job....... as always you give me things to think about.
I am not sure if I can hang in for another 3 or 6 months. I need some kind of affection from him. I’m not saying that I need to be intimate with him, although that would be nice. What I’m saying is I need more then the kiss on the forehead or the involuntary kiss on the lips before he leaves the house. It almost feels like there is no thought behind it, so is there any meaning behind it. Or is it something he does out of habit?
I totally agree he is depressed, although he would never admit to that.
He has made progress and that is not something I thought I would ever hear myself say.
I do feel I am missing something in my life by staying in this environment with him. I often wonder if I moved out would he really even care? I guess there is only one way to find that out, right?
skm, miss seeing your posts. Hope all is as well as it could be right now. Know that you are in all of our thoughts.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I have several questions, do you think since he is not sharing everything with you that he might still be in communication with some women? Also, I remember that he had financial issues while you were not living together anymore, since you have moved back in, what is your contribution to the daily expenses? Do you think that you living with him, makes his financial life more bearable?
I know that dealing with someone in crisis requires a lot of patience (which you have shown having since a few months) but it seems he is testing you a little bit too much in a very manipulative way, from what you wrote each time he tries to position himself as the victim, and blaming you for, it looks like some kind of gas lightning. He is trying to assess how much power he still has on you he is not really pleased with your new you.
Do you think he is really trying to piece, which is a very long journey or it's a gimmick of it (false reconciliation for whatever reasons he might have in mind)?
I am trying to open your mind on some questions you might have thought and brushed away or might not have thought at all. Remember, I like to brainstorm a lot... sometimes that the only way to figure out what is and what you really want.
Right now, do you feel you might be better living on your own and keeping contact with him until he "feels better" or keeping the arrangement that you have with him. Only you can answer that question.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Hello Skyhigh.......good to hear from you my friend
I appreciate you asking me all the questions.
As far as him communicating with other women........I do know that he has several women friends that he does share information with. I get the "we are just friends" comment about those relationships. I have asked him not to share things about our relationship, but as we all know I do not have any control over any of that.
In regard to finances......he has made a small dent in his credit card bills. He is also not spending money like he used to do. When I moved in I asked him about me contributing to the rent and bills and he refused my offer. He said "have you ever thought that maybe I would like to take care of you." I was not surprised by that comment because is very prideful, and I know before BD I took care of the majority of the financial responsibilities and that was difficult for him.
I do contribute by paying for the groceries, any bills concerning the dogs, and if we do go out to dinner or a movie I typically pay for that.
As far as him being manipulative, and playing the victim role.....I totally agree. I feel like he still has some major control issues. He wants to change, and he knows he needs to, but is still concerned about people judging him. There is not much I can say or do to change how he feels abut how people are judging him. That is an insecurity that he has to work through.
He knows it would make me sad if things did not work out in our M, but he also knows that I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness in order to make him happy all the time, and I know that he wants me to be happy too. I am a different person.......2 years will do that for you.
Not sure if he initially understood what it would really take for us to make things work, but he says he is not going anywhere. He told me yesterday that when he asked me to move in with him that he was willing to do what it takes, and did not put a time line on it. I don't know if this is piecing or not, but I know this is HARD!!!
Sometimes I do feel like if I was living on my own then he would be making more of an effort because then I would not be so easily accessible to him. But I will say that I am concerned that if he ends up being alone that he will fall back into the rabbit hole. But then again.....that is not for me to control.
He asked me yesterday what I thought about wearing our wedding ring again? I have not worn it in so long that I don't really know how I feel about that. I also don't want to wear it just to show someone that I am married, when in reality the marriage is not very strong.
It seems that he is the one making the rules about your "piecing" situation...
Piecing is when 2 people are trying to reconnect at their own pace while doing their best to respect each other feelings and boundaries. It's tough, it's slow but it improves gradually with time. Piecing also is when the one who wronged someone is trying his best to follow the boundaries (reasonable) that he wronged one demanded so trust and feeling can be rebuild. It seems he pushed away your demands... he wants it is own way.
Did you ever think about telling him that you are not satisfied with the way he is ignoring blatantly your boundaries and it makes you feel very unsafe and it triggers strong reactions in you. Also, you understand that he needs time to work on his issues but your feelings should be taken into consideration too since you were the one hurt. Piecing is having those conversations where there is an active talking/listening from both side not only one, when the Wayward is not trying not keep justifying his past behavior on the cheated one and when the cheated one is not bringing the affair non stop.
Nobody makes changes voluntarily because usually it's painful and somehow it means losing something. I am not talking about an ultimatum but making him becoming aware that you are not going to accept to be disrespected that way anymore because it's having a negative effect on your own personal mental health. You might tell him that you understand that he needs to work on himself but you need help too within that process from him and you are reaching a point where you feel that your needs/feelings are being put aside/ignored because he is solely focused on himself (selfish) so you might need to ....(your choice).
Now are you ready to have that conversation? Are you ready to walk you if he decides that his way only and/or he tells you "that's my way or we need to part"? Do you want an equal relationship or at least a balanced one to start or being told "that the way it is"? Did you like all the changes you made on yourself during those 2 years? Do you have a deadline in your mind? Does that new relationship which you are working on make you feel respected and safe? Do you feel he might cross the line again since he is still very borderline with his female friendship?
I am talking to you as a dear friend, the ultimate goal of those questions is to stir your mind so you can come to a decision or at least a step by step plan. It's so tough to think when you are IN the situation. I am not trying to tell you what you should do, because that's your life I am just bringing my outside brainstorming mind to help you with your decision whatever it will be. Also nothing is set in stone in life, you might take a decision one day and have to change it or make some modification on it the next.
You deserve to be happy so try to find where your happiness and peace of mind might be at their best. ((((BIG HUGS)))
Last edited by job; 03/01/1801:32 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Thanks for replying Skyhigh, you definitely gave me a lot to think about.
So.....I'm having a hard time. I found text messages that H has on his phone from a different woman he was pursuing after we separated. I always had my suspicions about her and I had asked about her a while ago because not long after she found out I had kicked him out of the house she asked him out, and of course he went. He of course denied a relationship. He told me "we were just friends" and "nothing ever happened with her" and all that kind of BS stuff.
I found messages from him to her that said "I really like you" and "you are cute" and of course the f'ing BS texts about me and how difficult I was being at that time.....which were lies!!! I read one text she wrote that said "I'm sorry you are having to go through all this and none of it is your fault"...... so I can only assume she didn't know about him cheating.
He definitely was the one who became the pursuer though because he would ask her to meet for lunch, or where should we go to dinner and things of that nature. I can only imagine what was said or happened when they were actually together. The other thing is that she was a client of his so I can just imagine what happened when she came around for that.
I saw in a different text where she later told him "I know you are separated, but I can't pursue this with you anymore cause you are still married." But, I did see where they continued with things even after he and I started to reconnect.
I'm so PISSED that he lied about the relationship he had with her. And why the HECK does he still have these text messages on his phone from her?!?!?
I've been sleeping in the other room, and I haven't spoken to him for two days. And of course the other big thing is that we still have zero intimacy in our relationship. No hand holding, no public displays of affection, no kissing. We have not had sex since November.
I know he has been working on himself for quite some time, but what I am coming to see is that he really isn't interested in working on us. He only considers his wants/needs/feelings when making decision or choices. I asked him a while ago if he would go to MC and he said he would but that he couldn't afford it, so I offered to pay for it. The only stipulation I made was that he was the one who had to find the counselor and make the appointment. He has not followed through on that.
Before I found out about the texts, he told me that he wore his wedding ring not too long ago. It was on a day I was at work so I didn't know about it, and he had taken it off by the time I got home that night. He said he wants to start wearing it again because he feels like we are in a better place and he feels married again. I asked him what did being married feel like to him and he couldn't answer me. I told him I was not ready to wear mine cause I don't feel married. I feel like we are room mates. I also mentioned that I felt like his ring was tainted because he wore it when he was with his first OW. His response was, "well then I guess we need to buy me a new ring".....IS HE SERIOUS????
