Songs and Stories From The Far Shore - Verse 3

[Coly23]

I'm good thanks AP, plodding along! You are correct in that I struggle to update my thread theses days but I do try to keep up to date with my fellow DB'ers.

Saying that, I have put a little update on today which has a similar topic to yours with regards to reminders around the home. It really is the smallest things that trigger the memories.

Have you got anything exciting planned for the weekend?

[AndrewP]

Journal time - just gossip

Things have continued largely quiet in the land of P.

One Wednesday the doorbell rang after I'd gone to bed and S23 answered it. I heard a strange voice and went down to check and he was being interviewed in the kitchen by the local police. After a small panic on my part he assured me it was about the recent death of a friend and I went back to bed.

"Twenty something" and her most recent boyfriend have broken up and I think I'm up to 10 texts that she's sent me so far today ranting about this and that. I think she's bored and am largely sure that she's not "interested" in me. It's nice to have the contact though. She's a nice kid and I like her.

I had an interesting encounter today that puzzles me because I don't understand women. A colleague of mine here who is single and who I always joked around with teasing her about her youth made a point of telling me today that she's 42 - I had her down as early 30s at the oldest. We then had a nice conversation (as usual) and she had weird body language that I can't really describe. Not sure how to explain it but perhaps she's interested (?) I wish women came with an instruction manual but perhaps if they did I wouldn't be here I hesitate about dating a colleague though because of possible conflicts of interest and complications in the workplace. There's also the current #metoo question of where the line comes in a workplace between flirting and harassment which makes guys like me uncertain if it's even OK to tell someone that they look good today.

The nice lady I see at the flower shop seems to have suddenly gotten more friendly, or perhaps just needed someone to talk to. She's been having some struggles typical of a single mother of a small child so last weekend I did a lot of listening while I was in to get my weekly roses.

I also got a weird contact from another female friend who happens to be married where after a lot of joking and beating around the bush she suggests that we meet for coffee sometime. I acted oblivious and suddenly had other things to do.

I do wonder at times if what I see as interest is just "being friendly" - this whole making new relationships thing is very confusing to me and presumably to people my age. Life was so much easier in elementary school when you just got passed notes by a friend of the cute girl in your class asking if you wanted to go steady.

I think it's time to get my resume dusted off and start looking for something different. There's some changes in the wind that might make my position redundant - not something that I like the feel of with no spousal safety support net and an obligation for spousal support payments. I had been interviewing at bomb-day but backed away to "save my marriage". I really need a role that doesn't involve 320km of driving each day and that gives me a better quality of life and improved professional satisfaction. I've been here 15 years now which is highly unusual for someone in a technical role.

18 days until I'm off to the Caribbean for a week. 14 days until the earliest day that the divorce my ex started could be final. January has just sped by.

I've been struggling a bit with loneliness. It's tough to not have someone to share life's events with when you were used to that. Not that in the last 20 years my ex really paid much attention, daily conversations were pretty much exclusively about her drama. When we first met one of the things that attracted me to her was that she listened to me talk about my life and seemed to care. I also struggled too with a feeling of WTF - there are still days when I just get all bewildered about why / how. I think things over and know that what happened was truly something beyond my ability to control. The brief conversations I occasionally get to have with S23 are no substitute especially since like his mother he's reluctant to get into anything other than positive feelings and is very closed about his own life. I will be calling D25 on Monday for a chat - it's been a few weeks since I've had a call with my baby girl. We usually talk for a few hours at a time. We were supposed to talk yesterday but she had to work late.

I don't know what's going on in my ex's life. I presume she'll use the money I've been sending her to go on another nice vacation herself with her guy in the next while. As far as I know she's still living alone in her apartment with her dog. Social media continues silent on her part which continues to be unusual for someone who was even more prolific in sharing than I am. I did have some interesting speculation on whether she'll change her name back to her maiden name assuming that if she was truly unhappy that she'd want to dump that.

The weekend should be good. My friend who runs the pastry shop around the corner is back from vacation and I can get my weekly scone again and perhaps a visit. Haircut on Saturday morning - I got out the hedge-clippers and removed the winter beard on Wednesday in preparation for my trip south. Not sure what's on the menu for the weekend. Perhaps steaks on Saturday and maybe a ham on Sunday.

Happy almost weekend!

[OwnIt]

I wonder if there are places to take classes on dating and flirting for those who have been out of the market a long time? I would have no idea how to do either (and have zero interest at the moment). But there has to be something at least online.

Stay away from needy, flirty, twenty-somethings and find a mature woman with values who knows how to take care of a man. Trust me, women like that exist in abundance.

[exquisitetobe]

The dating scene... fun, fun ?? Lol
All i can share with you is my experiences which are not many. I had no problem detecting the gentlemen' s interest in me yet it is as far as it would go. They would hang around with nothing more. Keep in mind that i did not push myself toward them. I had 3 relationship in the past 9 years. All 3 were short lived. I ended all 3. Longest one lasted 9 months.

Those men i considered potential partners because they went above the casual" let have a coffee sometimes".
They were very interested and i did not have to wonder if they were. They showed me.

All the ladies around you are friends and obviously are confortable with you since they are sharing a little more than usual with you. Do not rush in anything. Go with the flow. If one of them is really interested in more, you will know.
If YOU are interested in one of them for more, make your move. Walk in a park? Supper, movie... take it slow..
If you do not feel ready to date and you see their interest, casually mention that it is too soon for you. This way, they do not feel rejected. They' ll know it is a bad timing.. that' s all.. the friendship will go on...

Job wise: how do you feel about business?
I happen to know about a mom&pap store for sale in your neighbourhood.. lol
In all honesty, i wouldn' t mind having more info on it. Are they listed with a realtors? Is there a link to the listing?
Is it a private sale?

Loneliness? ... Hobbies.. anything to keep your mind active in a positive way..

A visit to a relative or a close friend. It feels good to be surrounded by people we love and care about and vice versa.

Loneliness is a shitty positive feeling. It makes us appreciate our time with others even more!

I wish you an amzing week- end. Mine will be spent outside shoveling the 40 plus they called for over the week- end!

[job]

I tried the dating sites and the few that I met up with and either had coffee or dinner...well...let's just say that one was looking for a new wife to take care of his 7 kids and the other one was so off the wall looking for someone to take care of him, i.e., mommy style.

Take your time...do some casual meet ups and I agree...stay away from the 20 year olds. They are looking for daddy figures or sugar daddies. You want someone who is a mature and settle individual who enjoys hobbies, etc., just as you do.

[Coly23]

Hey AP! I love your updates, very much an insight into a day in the life of AP!

Gosh, the dating scene is a mine field! I don't think I would know where to start! I definitely wouldn't do the on-line dating thing especialky going on Jobs experience!

As exquisitetobe said, take it slowly and enjoy the friendship that these women are offering and maybe something else will developed over time. Good that you stayed right away from married woman who asked you out for a coffee! Sheesh, you definitely dont want that sort of complication!!

Twenty-something sounds like she needs someone to talk to so maybe be there be there for her as a mature shoulder to cry on but I do think it is strange that she texts you!

I am very jealous about your holiday! You will have a fantastic time and it will help you to relax and get away from the cold weather!

Happy weekend AP!!

[job]

Here's another good one for you. Like a dumb fool, I agree to go on a blind date. A friend said that this guy was good looking, had a great job and was a lot of fun. So, I agreed to meet up w/him at the local pizza place. I decided to go early and sit in the parking lot to see just what I had gotten myself into. Well, he arrived, but he wasn't good looking, had a rat tail (man of about 60), pants above the ankle and was just all out not a good match. But being the nice person that I am, I went in and had dinner w/him. All he talked about was someone taking care of him, he needed to find a woman to carry on his family name. When it was time to pay the bill (we went dutch), he said he didn't believe in leaving tips. Well, that was about the 5th strike against getting together again. He had the never to say to me upon leaving that he really would love to get together again as he could see us getting together and having fun. Well, to make a long story short...didn't happen and that little adventure has been put away in my life's book. I shook my head and laughed all the way home.

Andrew, what I'm trying to say is to don't judge a book by its cover. You'll have to kiss a lot of frogs along the way in order to find your princess. Look at the dating scene as a way to get out, have some fun and if the date doesn't work out, chalk it up, have a good laugh and move on to the next one.

I am so glad to read that you are planning a holiday away. You've earned the time away.

[LouR]

Hi Andrew,

Oh dating, I have stepped away from that for now, my new thought is that I will come across the right person by chance and I will just know its right.

My venture in to the dating game resulted in me spending a couple of months getting to to know (or not know) a guy who after taking me away for a weekend told me he had been in jail for 3 yrs, got 4 young kids, lives with his mum and has false teeth. It gave my g/friends a laugh if nothing else, i say chuckling as I write this.

Honestly though, if you really fancy someone then you have to swallow a brave pill and ask her out, be prepared that she may knock you back and thats ok, it just means she is not the one for you. I do feel Miss Twenty Something should be one to remain in the friend zone, you are a kind and gentle soul and I can see you are flattered by a young girls attention, its good for the ego, especially one that has taken a bashing like yours has, but please, if you are looking for something long term and meaningful a girlie in her 20"s is not the answer. Only my 2cents, I havent met her so maybe I am wrong.

Flower girl - if something was going to happen with her I think it would have by now. She seems to use you to offload her problems, so I would be cautious in reading anything more than her seeing you as a friendly ear.

Work friend - sounds nice. Inter work relationships can be tricky and are frowned upon for a reason. If you are in different departments and dont see much of each other at work then I see no harm in asking her out for a drink, you may get a more clear vibe off her when in a social setting rather than a work setting. If you work closely together I would think very carefully about asking her out, it could muddy a very good friendship.

I would either try a dating site or just get yourself out there socially, join a club (cooking ...women love men who can cook !!) or catch up with colleagues after work, a quiz night or something, that way you build a social network,more often than not you end up meeting someone new through someone you know.

Its okay to be melancholy occasionally, we tend to put pressure on ourselves to be ok and fine with this life we have found ourselves in, a life we didn't ask for or was consulted on, we were totally blindsided by the one person we never imagined would cause us any hurt. It takes time for your new way of life to become your normal, it will happen, have faith that it will.

I love reading your updates AndrewP, you are real and honest and I thank you for that. You express how you are feeling and I find myself nodding along, understanding what you are describing and feeling. So know that you are not alone, I am along for the ride with you.

Love and hugs to you xoxo

[Gordie]

Andrew,

I know that WTF feeling. I think I have it at least once a day. It’s an improvement over the darker thoughts but yes, it’s bewildering.

And the loneliness of not having someone to share the day to day, intimate feelings of your life? Yes, I get that too but you made me laugh when you said almost all the conversations over 20 years were about XW! So maybe it’s missing something you had or is it missing something you never did but wished you had?

[AndrewP]

Journal time

On Tuesday I got an email from my lawyer including a signed and stamped set of divorce papers. My ex signed them on November 30th and the clerk of the court on January 15th. So - I'm divorced? Or perhaps not until February 14th? When I went over the documents more carefully I noticed that my birthday was wrong on them so sent a note to my lawyer about that but I presume that makes no difference. I continue to be astounded by the number of mistakes on trivial and obvious things that both lawyer's offices made. I can understand my ex not checking the forms carefully because she was undoubtedly under a lot of stress and that's not something she's good at anyway. I also asked about timelines and such. As usual, silence from my lawyer. They're pretty lousy about responding to correspondence which I suppose saves me on fees. I think that there should be a fair amount of the retainer left as I was conscientious about keeping it topped up. Getting that back will be helpful because money is tight right now like it always is at this time of year. I expect that I need to wait until all the final forms are received before asking for that back.

I feel rather ambivalent about it. It's just formalizing something that was the reality I was living anyway. I told S23 in person on Wednesday afternoon when our paths crossed and sent D25 a note via messenger. S23 was ambivalent (I think) and I got a warm virtual hug from D25. In talking to D25 on Monday morning - we have long phone calls as I drive to/from work - she had palpable anger at her mother even though we never talked directly about her. On Tuesday night I'd gone out for a previously planned dinner with a good friend and S23 was out when I got home. Later I heard him talking on the phone - unusual for a 23 year old - and going through the kitchen mentioning that "Dad had been out for a beer with a friend". Perhaps my ex checking up on me? No way to know - doesn't matter.

I've updated my Facebook status with a brief note that essentially just said that it wasn't my choice or doing and received very gratifying expressions of warmth and sympathy mixed with a bit of shock from those who didn't know.

I do feel that the door behind me is now shut and that I can move forward. I did have a phone interview with a possible new employer but the terms of employment (contract) made me uncomfortable and they seemed rather too eager to add me to their "bench" while at the same time having no specifically defined role. Later in March after my vacations I'll ramp things up and reach out to old friends and colleagues to see what I can do to improve my quality of life.

This morning at 6:00 I was woken up by a brief ring of the doorbell. Kids in this neighbourhood don't play games like that and certainly not at that hour. I rolled over to go back to sleep figuring that if it was someone with something important that they would try harder. The house was dark at that time and doorbells on old houses are notoriously unreliable. I did have a thought that it was my ex as that would be a time before she started work that she would be around. When the cats got me up an hour later for their breakfast there was no note nor any sign of anyone. It's been warm here lately with our typical January thaw so there was no snow for tracks.

I've got a good breakfast in me made up of spinach and other left-over veg sauteed with eggs and sausage and a big pot of tea. Lots of errands to do, fresh roses to find, laundry to start and packing for my trip to organize. Assuming I get sleep before leaving for my 6:00am flight it's 10 more sleeps before I find myself on a beach trying to remember the Spanish phrase for "can I have another cup of coffee please".

Have a great weekend everyone!