Wife moved to parents on opposite coast #7

[Cali08]

So my wife has been pretty emotional and telling me she didn't respect me as her husband and how so sorry she is.

In the back of my head I can only think of why the change of heart? According to her the whole time she has been wanting to come back and never stopped thinking about me. She said the she immediately regretted sending the divorce papers after doing it. I asked her point blank if she wanted me to sign the divorce papers and she wouldn't give me an answer, so sounds like a big lie to me. I gave her plenty of chances to come back and to work on things, but she never took them. How in the heck does she think I am going to think she is telling me the truth about all of that when the simple truth is for 9 months she could have, at the very least, talk about things, but she didn't.

I have to wonder what if she hadn't been caught cheating? What if the other guys wife didn't call her out on social media and to all her family about what she did. Would she even be at this point now? For one, I think that the other guys wife forced her to take a look at what she was doing and to finally realize she has to make some changes from within.

You would think that if my wife is as remorseful,sorry and wants to come back as much as she says she is and does then she would be trying to call and talk about things everyday......especially if I am actually talking to her. She thinks, in her own words, that she needs to be punished. She tried to sort of joke and flirt with me the other day and I didn't receive it well and I had to explain to her that months ago I would have loved to hear something like that, but now isn't even close to the right time. So crazy how someone can do this kind of thing to themselves.... She even told me that if we don't work things out it's over for her as far as relationships go, which I told her I am sure that is not true.

Anyway I am trying to be the good guy here and truly help her on trying to find happiness in herself and to work on things. She keeps asking for some sort of reassurance and if it's even worth it for her to try. I believe that is not her place to ask right now and it's unfair to me to say the least and I don't have an answer for her because I don't know yet. I told her there is a lot of risk involved with moving forward and it may very well be to cut ties completely at this point. I need to be able to have some amount of trust in her to even be friends at this point. I have reinforced the idea that what she is doing now is absolutely the right things to do regardless of the outcome and it's going to help her heal.

What would people advice be on the current situation with me. I have been pretty harsh on her and she has sat there and taken it and even said I have every right to be the way I am being. I told her she needs to hear it because it's what I have been truthfully thinking. I honestly am not a mean person at all and it's more work to keep talking about everything that I did wrong and she did wrong. I don't know if I really want a relationship with her at this point and it's going to be a long road there is no doubt and I am upfront about that long road might very well end with her staying where she is at and me signing the the divorce papers.

Ironically I had the divorce papers spread out on the counter and I have been slowly going through them when all of this started. Funny how things work, seems like such a test for us both. It's not like I don't think marriages haven't gotten past things like this before and that I did vow for better or worse, but I am also of the thought that maybe my life would just be a lot better without her and this is a perfect time to exit. I do feel, up to this point, that I did everything I possible could to make it work and now she wants to what I have wanted this whole time. Now I guess I have to be OK with walking away at this point considering everything, I will not be hasty. For one I want to know if she is willing to put the risk in and effort to try to make it work even in the face of the very fact that it just might not.

[Maika]

Cali - I have been following your sitch closely for a while. The parallels with your W and my W are so astounding that I am wondering if they're long lost twins separated at birth lol. I don't want to go into details about similarities here, but just curious of what you're thinking.

I would say that if your W's trajectory predicts what my W would do, then you are a few steps ahead of me right now. I don't have a confirmed OM at the moment, but my W definitely had an EA and not sure what she's gotten upto in the last few months.

So, considering where you're at right now, what would it take you to take your W seriously? That she wants to save the M. What specific actions are you looking for? MC/IC? It just sounds like your W has said stuff but not followed up with any action.

I am also exactly where you're at in terms of my mindset. I have had inklings of feeling 'done' but in the last week that has solidified even more, and my W hasn't even made any moves in words, attitudes, or actions.

Basically, what I am curious about is how you're going to proceed with divorce papers strewn across your table and her not giving you a clear answer if she wants you to sign them. Are you waiting for some quick action in the near future on her part or you're going to sign them and see if she files?

Thanks.

[Cali08]

Cali - I have been following your sitch closely for a while. The parallels with your W and my W are so astounding that I am wondering if they're long lost twins separated at birth lol. I don't want to go into details about similarities here, but just curious of what you're thinking.

I would say that if your W's trajectory predicts what my W would do, then you are a few steps ahead of me right now. I don't have a confirmed OM at the moment, but my W definitely had an EA and not sure what she's gotten upto in the last few months.

Just my opinion, but it seems to me that an emotional affair is likely to turn physical at some point. There is nothing you can do about it if that is what she chooses. That is exactly what it might take in order for her to see what she is giving up. She might have a go with another man and find out that it isn't greener on the other side..... unfortunately. This may be exactly what my wife did. It seems you might be at the point of cutting her off completely, which is what I did and it's what got a reaction out of my wife.

So, considering where you're at right now, what would it take you to take your W seriously? That she wants to save the M. What specific actions are you looking for? MC/IC? It just sounds like your W has said stuff but not followed up with any action.

I am also exactly where you're at in terms of my mindset. I have had inklings of feeling 'done' but in the last week that has solidified even more, and my W hasn't even made any moves in words, attitudes, or actions.

Basically, what I am curious about is how you're going to proceed with divorce papers strewn across your table and her not giving you a clear answer if she wants you to sign them. Are you waiting for some quick action in the near future on her part or you're going to sign them and see if she files?

By the way my wife had already signed the divorce papers months ago and sent them to me, so all I have to do is sign them. Now, according to her, she regretting sending them immediately. That sure in the hell doesn't match with what she told back then though, so her tune has definitely changed a lot.

Honestly my wife has said things before, but it was never anything that was solid. As an example she would say "I have thought about coming back a lot". Now she is saying things like "Can I come back and I want to come back". My wife seems to have hit rock bottom and she is extremely sorry for what she has done and is very apologetic to me and saying things like she didn't respect me as her husband and such. She is straight out asking to come back at this point, but she is thinking she has made such a mess of things that she can't. So I think my wife has come full circle and the shoes are on the other foot now. That being said I will not do what she did to me and I will be the better person here. For one I am talking to her and I am going to try to help her get better.

I think it's going to be some time before I can trust my wife again and she is going to have to work hard to regain that with me and my family. I would like to see her get counseling and if we need too I'm certainly down for marriage counseling together. I think talking with me and working on things together and learning together is a good way to start down the road to trust again. The funny thing is that we never had trust issue's until now, but that's because she broke it by doing what she did. All that being said, it still may not work out and I may just want to cut our losses and go our separate ways. So another action I would like to see out of my wife is to be brave enough to keep fighting for our marriage now that she seems to want to work on things. We are going to take a risk, but it's what you do for things that matter and if I matter to her she won't give up on me even though I can't give her and reassurances right now.

Thanks.

[Maika]

Just my opinion, but it seems to me that an emotional affair is likely to turn physical at some point. There is nothing you can do about it if that is what she chooses. That is exactly what it might take in order for her to see what she is giving up. She might have a go with another man and find out that it isn't greener on the other side..... unfortunately.

Yeah with the stuff she has pulled which has been completely out of her character for her, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a PA. The issue is that I am not sure if I can make amends with her if she's done that. PA may just be my boundary that I can't accept. She would need to fight like hell to show me that I matter and that the R with me matters for me to get past a PA. Lukewarm pursuit won't do it for me.

It seems you might be at the point of cutting her off completely, which is what I did and it's what got a reaction out of my wife.

I've pretty much cut her off. When I was getting my DB life settled, it was uneven and she did react to it and temp checked me. I kinda failed to stand my ground well at that time, but now I am in a much different place and won't stand for any bull$hit.

Honestly my wife has said things before, but it was never anything that was solid.

Yeah I don't put much stock in words any more. I would need to see a shift in action, attitudes, and words all together. Otherwise it's just whatever.

That being said I will not do what she did to me and I will be the better person here. For one I am talking to her and I am going to try to help her get better.

Good on you! Hope you protect yourself emotionally and do self-care and not get dragged down with this.

I think it's going to be some time before I can trust my wife again and she is going to have to work hard to regain that with me and my family.

Yes, the trust is key. Right my trust for her is below zero. The question is, what will she do to help me regain the trust.

So another action I would like to see out of my wife is to be brave enough to keep fighting for our marriage now that she seems to want to work on things.

Exactly! I don't want to see some meek cowardly stuff. I want to see some serious work on her part for me to believe she wants this. Otherwise, I have no inclination to participate or try.

All that being said, it still may not work out and I may just want to cut our losses and go our separate ways

Yeah, I have the same mindset if she actually comes back and is serious.

if I matter to her she won't give up on me even though I can't give her and reassurances right now.

Bingo again. Serious effort on her part, otherwise not worth it. I am moving along just fine and despite having some days here and there that aren't good, I am past the survival stage moving towards having a thriving and joyful life.

[Cali08]

Just my opinion, but it seems to me that an emotional affair is likely to turn physical at some point. There is nothing you can do about it if that is what she chooses. That is exactly what it might take in order for her to see what she is giving up. She might have a go with another man and find out that it isn't greener on the other side..... unfortunately.

Yeah with the stuff she has pulled which has been completely out of her character for her, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a PA. The issue is that I am not sure if I can make amends with her if she's done that. PA may just be my boundary that I can't accept. She would need to fight like hell to show me that I matter and that the R with me matters for me to get past a PA. Lukewarm pursuit won't do it for me.

It seems you might be at the point of cutting her off completely, which is what I did and it's what got a reaction out of my wife.

I've pretty much cut her off. When I was getting my DB life settled, it was uneven and she did react to it and temp checked me. I kinda failed to stand my ground well at that time, but now I am in a much different place and won't stand for any bull$hit.

Honestly my wife has said things before, but it was never anything that was solid.

Yeah I don't put much stock in words any more. I would need to see a shift in action, attitudes, and words all together. Otherwise it's just whatever.

That being said I will not do what she did to me and I will be the better person here. For one I am talking to her and I am going to try to help her get better.

Good on you! Hope you protect yourself emotionally and do self-care and not get dragged down with this.

I think it's going to be some time before I can trust my wife again and she is going to have to work hard to regain that with me and my family.

Yes, the trust is key. Right my trust for her is below zero. The question is, what will she do to help me regain the trust.

So another action I would like to see out of my wife is to be brave enough to keep fighting for our marriage now that she seems to want to work on things.

Exactly! I don't want to see some meek cowardly stuff. I want to see some serious work on her part for me to believe she wants this. Otherwise, I have no inclination to participate or try.

All that being said, it still may not work out and I may just want to cut our losses and go our separate ways

Yeah, I have the same mindset if she actually comes back and is serious.

if I matter to her she won't give up on me even though I can't give her and reassurances right now.

Bingo again. Serious effort on her part, otherwise not worth it. I am moving along just fine and despite having some days here and there that aren't good, I am past the survival stage moving towards having a thriving and joyful life.

It sounds like we are on the exact same page. The PA is a huuuuuuuge thing for me! She seems to be very sorry for it, but the fact is she still did it and I would have never done that to her. On the same token though, which I plan on asking my wife, I wonder if she would have told me if she didn't get caught. I really don't know how things would be different right now. So the PA is exactly why I don't know if I can ever be with my wife again or if I'll even want to touch her. At this very point I don't want anything even remotely physical with her. I feel that there is still a lot of anger in my wife and she has some serious issue to work on. I feel she is still in a bit of a blame game and not wanting to really own up to what she did.

She called me last night pretty late and we ended up talking for about 3 hours again. She asked if I am waiting on her to reach out to me. Come on! She doesn't even have to ask that, like you said some lukewarm pursuit isn't going to cut it and I have already told her that. I did a ton of reaching out to her and fighting for our marriage and now she can put the effort in that I already did. It's just unfortunate that she had to do what she did and wait this long until I just don't care all that much anymore for her to come around.
I am still doing my very best at the current moment to work on things with her, but there are no guarantee's. That little factor is key. I want to see her not give up and do everything she can to make this work and then that is the beginning of some kind of relationship between us.

My wife is still really against counselling although she is a little bit more open to it then she was. She is under the impression it's a huge waste of money and she can self help, which she says she has been finding success in doing. I don't see it, but to be fair we have just started talking again.

When talking to my wife last night she mentioned keeping her promises to her niece and nephew about taking them to do what they want on their birthdays in August and September. Then she said it's going to be tricky because she is going to be here in Cali. I didn't say anything at the moment because it wasn't necessary, but I was thinking to myself, what makes you think your going to be living with me at that time. I don't even know if I want her in my house right now. She threw everything away like it was garage to be discarded and never thought about again. I have no clue how she thinks this is going to play out, but it sure in the hell isn't going to involve her just waltzing back into where she left off. If she thinks that then she has really got to be crazy! To be clear I asked her just that and she said she doesn't think that will happen, but that was my though anyway.

The conversation last night with my wife turned me off quite a bit because she was angry and she had no right to be. I really feel she is angry at herself for doing what she did and placing some of that on me. It certain does her no good at all. We need to first and foremost support each other the best we can right now and work on things together and not against each other. She was such, well seemingly, happy and nice person when I first met her and she became so angry and moody it seems. To me if things are going to start looking up for each other we need to start viewing each other as strength and support and not enemies trying to find some common ground.

[Cali08]

So my wife has continued to be very active in talking to me. It's pretty much like she used to. Basically letting me know everything she is doing......even things I don't want or need to know. lol! She spent a lot of time asking me to look at links she was sending me about house things. Like pictures of bathrooms she liked for the paint color or decorations. She seems to be thinking about updating the bathrooms colors and some of the decorations. Also looking at office furniture. Hmmmmmm! I just don't know what to think about any of it and I don't give it much weight and I am letting her show me how much she is going to fight for things. Time will certainly tell.

That being said I know she still has her current job until March and then after that I have no clue what she believes is going to happen at that point. The way she is hinting to in her own way is that she is coming back. I know everyone says that the piecing is the hard part and to tread carefully in going forward. Makes it difficult because if she is going to come back I can't very well ask someone else to house her while we figure things out. What are the thoughts on this?

[joejoe1]

Cali,

My wife was angry as well when we started talking about a possible future for us. Both sides have blame they have to own. Your job is not to chastise your W. Time and her own guilt and shame will do that. She knows what she has done is wrong. You need to explain your feelings and allow her to explain hers.

You want your W to put on this show for you. But the truth is, It's going to take hard work from both of you and if you are not willing you shouldn't waste both of you'll time.

I know you are hurt and angry but moving on is letting go of the past but not forgetting.

Show her what a true, confident man really is. Show were her watch tower.

Onward and forward. Only hard work lies ahead.

It's hard I'm here to tell you. I don't come to the board as often because it hurts to read the newcomers stories. They put me in a funk and I sometimes cant shake it when dealing with my W. But I still lurk.

[joejoe1]

Show her that you were a strong watch tower. Dam phones and auto correct. ahhhhhhhh

Oh, let her know how you feeling about the updates to home talk. Don't be passive aggressive. Ask her what her plans are after March. Take control!!!! Don't pressure on her answers. Just say ok after she gives you an answer. If she ask you what you think, be honest with your answer. Don't beat around the best and tell exactly what you want and expect.

Has she sincerely apologized and shown remorse? Has she answered all your question in a truthful manner?

[Vapo]

Cali,

ATM she is incapable of showing true remorse. And frankly you are being an a$$.

I am not saying to let her off the hook, but if you are going to be an a$$, it will not work.

[Cali08]

Show her that you were a strong watch tower. Dam phones and auto correct. ahhhhhhhh

Oh, let her know how you feeling about the updates to home talk. Don't be passive aggressive. Ask her what her plans are after March. Take control!!!! Don't pressure on her answers. Just say ok after she gives you an answer. If she ask you what you think, be honest with your answer. Don't beat around the best and tell exactly what you want and expect.

Has she sincerely apologized and shown remorse? Has she answered all your question in a truthful manner?

Yes I actually feel she is showing remorse and she has apologized a lot. I have already ripped into on the first 3 or 4 phone calls pretty bad and she accepted it all and told me I had every right to think and to say what I did. At this point I have already made the decision to just allow her to interact with me in the way she was trying to, which is just like we used too. Basically her doing most of the talking and sharing everything with me and constantly texting me or calling me on the phone.

Since that last post she has called me three more times and texted through the whole day. So in the very last phone call I had with her I just treated her like my wife and she treated me like her husband and I admit is was much nicer to do that and just plain easier than having to go through everything again and again. I feel as if I said all I needed to say to her about her abandonment and OM at this point anyway. She has told me and brother that she will never do again what she did and she knows it's going to take some time before everyone is going to fully trust her again.

I am not pressuring her in the least. It's a matter of fact that I haven't talked about her coming back at all, but she seems to assume she is going too. Especially with all this talk about wanting to redecorate and paint the bathrooms in the house. I even talked to her about being strapped for cash this months because I had 4 weeks off of work during the holidays. I was merely making conversation and she actually offered up to pay a bill, which surprised me. I am still not going to put much thought or expectation into what is happening right now. Her actions will speak much louder to me and she is very aware of that because I told her I want to see her fight for our marriage and to be brave enough to do the right thing even though there is a chance that I still may not want this. She said she is going to do just that and she knows she has a mountain to climb.

I have been giving her some positive feedback too. For instance, she thinks that she can't come back because everyone is going to look at her differently and such. I told of course they are going to have some trust issue's because of what you did and you can't blame them, but the mere fact that you are doing the right thing now will speak volumes to everyone. Anyway I am just going with the flow right now and allowing her to show me she is serious. I am also going over the things that I did wrong and what I have changed in myself since she has been gone. Another good sign is that she has also been doing a lot of looking into her self and seemingly making some positive changes too.

I all honestly it took 8 months of me fighting and trying to work on our marriage, 2 months for me know I did everything I could and I was going to be moving on and the last 16 days for my wife to decide she wants to come back. I suppose I am lucky for it to take so little time as compared to everyone else on here. That being said I certainly am not trying to jinx myself here, so I am not having any expectations and honestly just letting it work out in one way or the other. It's either meant to be or not. I will be fine either way.

Thanks for the response!