Well you can add me to the list of just being served. I do not feel anything at the moment as W is at work. Do I tell the kids? Not sure what to do, I made an appointment witht the attorney and we are ready for the next step.
If I do not post please understand that this is not a great time, but I will eventually come back and update.
Not a happy New Year for many of us. I read that many D's are filed in January because people wait until after the holidays.
It just happened to me and others on here. Hang in there and don't do anything rash. Your kids are all grown, so telling them soon makes sense.
Initially it feels like a high weight is lifted off your shoulders. It is gonna hit you at some point. Feel the pain and work through it. It will get better and you will get stronger.
Thank you LH, I may not have the hard hit because I was waiting for this to happen as I noticed over the last few days she stopped talking completely. It's her journey...
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
Ok I need some help and quick, so I was served today and I didnt tell anyone except on here. I went about my business and waited for the W to come home. She came home and I asked if she wanted to talk she said sure, I said how do you want to handle telling the kids and our families. She said that she didnt want anyone to know anything including the kids. I said wait! what? she said that she didnt want to upset D18 before she goes back to school...
I said thats not fair to our children that you do not want to tell them until the D is finalized, what if we have to sell the house and they need to get apartments. She said that we do not know how things are going to work out so why would we tell them anything. I said because if we tell them now they can arrange for housing if needed. If I was to buy her out it would cost me a fortune as the house has gone up substantially since we bought it in 94.
She also became infuriated that she doesnt want anyone in her family to know until its over and that I have no right to tell anyone in her family. I said that your family is as close to me as my own and that they should know and you should explain that its you that want the D and that you do not even want to try just a little. My MIL thinks the world of me and will absolutely be angry with my W, so much so that she will prob have to go to the hospital. My BIL feels the same way and thinks I am the best thing that has ever happened to his S my W.
She wants me to stay in the house for 5 years and then sell and split the proceeds, LOL... really like how warped are you. I just told her tonight that I will not buy her out... she said ok then she will get a second job and buy me out... I said great that works. It cost between 4K and 5K a month to run this house. I mean how deranged do these woman get.
I asked her some questions saying the following, W You wanted a D in June why did you wait until now to file? She said because you told me not to. REALLY!!! I said from this point on do not use my account to pay your cell phone bill she starts getting upset.. I said this is what you want so we will go full steam ahead. She is tearing up the whols time.
We have a huge party (her side) in two weeks, she doesnt want the host (W's S) of this party to know that D has been filed. She is asking me to please not tell her. Bizarro world finally is here... 300 people will be there and she want everyone to think nothing is wrong.
My goodness I feel such a relief, no kidding I want to get this over. I talked to my attorney and she said she could make it go as fast as I want.
I have to get some sleep I was inivited to a party tomorrow... Cheers!
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
At this point slow down and take some deep breathes. You are a long way to the finish line. If you are still open to recon please just try to not burn any bridges. If the party is planned just go along with it for your kids. I agree with you that your kids are old enough to know what’s going on after the party.
I am about a year ahead of you and I have been told I am still 3 months away from being D.
Let me tell you some of my story and what my W is finding out about a year after filing. She thought she was keeping the M home turns out she is not she can’t afford it. She loves this house and poured her heart and soul into it. The houses she is looking at are half the houses. She took bad advice and went to a lawyer when we were supposed to mediate. I have a friend who is a lawyer and she doesn’t know him from Adam and he lied to her and has charged 3000 more already then my lawyer. We always loved the beach and I have a family cottage we always went to in the summer. I went every minute I could this summer with and without the kids. She went to a local beach once with her cousin and her cousin said it sucked. Family- I still talk to her family and they all got me gifts this year (I have been told they can’t believe she is doing this) no one on my side of the family will talk to her. Friends- at some point they have to take sides. Guess who got invited to the New Years Eve big bash and who didn’t?
That is just the tip of the iceberg. As right now she hasn’t lost anything. Wait until the first time she is away from the kids for 5 days. Has to pay all her bills cut the grass shovel the snow. Then when she realizes the dating pool for a middle aged woman with two young kids may not be so great.
My point is that this may feel like the end but it is not even close. Don’t burn any bridges and try to make life difficult for her because believe me that will take care of itself.
Happy......my 10 cents FWIW. I would not tell your children anything until you know what is going to happen. It sounds like they still live at home so if you sell the house it will have an impact on them. Obviously you want to give them time to make arrangements but I assume once you and your W reach an agreement they will have enough time. I don't think you should wait until the D is finalized but atleast wait until you and your W have reached an agreement (including the L' if needed). That way you definately know how the kids are going to be impacted vs telling them now and having to say we will let you know later how you will be impacted. As the parents you need to have plan laid out.
The only other advice I would give FWIW. Don't backslide on your hard earned changes making it seem like to her that you only did it to win her back. Calm, cool, collected and confident, not punitive or vindictive. IMO bringing up the cell phone bill the same day you get served is bad timing. Don't start asking her R questions and all of a sudden be needy. Approach this with confidence and your head held high.
Stay strong, double up on your efforts to GAL and self-help books. Truely sorry this has happened but how you handle this moving forward speaks volumes about your character. No shame, only pride.
Firstly, unless you are authentic then overall you will one credibility.
Kids know more than you think and I believe it is disingenuous to be covert and secret.
Does that mean you have to be brutal and tell kids more than they need to know? Absolutely not.
Children even D18 needs certainty that there are no secrets. In this I am in agreement no absolutes. However you have been served, you are unsure of the future, these are facts. Wen you can advise when you know then you can give information as you know and it is appropriate.
Think of the questions your kids will ask you, can I still go to my school? Can I live with you, mum or ........
When I you will know, when can you tell me? Does dad want this, does Mum?
These will be unique to each child.
And I agree with Joseph keep on truckin'.
I also believe you can talk to whomever you want about this as you want. As you need, and the stance is "I will not lie about this or about the reasons". That isn't good for me.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
