An important component of dealing with an MLC spouse is to keep your footing and firm grip of reality. A lot of what you wrote in that post seems a little off balance. As an outsider why do you think asking her for help and support was a problem and a trigger for all this? What is the point of being married if asking for help means you’ve doomed your relationship?
And what does it mean you gave up your “man card?” How can one rather basic act doom a whole relationship?
This sounds more like the confused thinking of an MLCer. Are you internalizing her version of “reality?” Be very careful of that as you can imagine in her state you don’t want to join that reality.
I just skimmed though your thread and a lot of it reminds me of what I went through at the very beginning. I was doing the wrong things like so many of us here have during this time so it’s great you found the site early on.
Have you read the LBS stages? I found it helpful to know where I was at in the cycle.
To provide some context, she never wanted to get involved in my mother's business, didn't even want to know anything about it, so after my mother suddenly became terminally ill, i had to take over involuntarily from one day to the other which threw our family into complete chaos basically. (Priority no: 1 was to get rid of it for my family's and my own sake)
So this one day, where i was completely stuck and desperate with the whole situation, i asked/pressured her into helping me since i couldn't take it alone anymore. So that basically was the culmination of all she hated about the whole situation right there. I should NEVER have pressured her into that situation where she felt she HAD to solve it.
As for the man card, well basically, this was the last straw for her since she has felt for quite some time before already that SHE was always the one to take the reigns in most situations where it really mattered, not me (and probably rightfully so) so this thing here must have really shattered every last bit of attraction she had left for me i guess.
It makes a lot of sense in retrospect, a husband pleading to his wife to help him in a situation that HE is supposed to handle really doesn't add to the attraction factor when the marriage was already hanging by a thread
It's ok though, i realize it now and it was probably necessary for me to hit rock bottom in this way so i can wake up and begin my long overdue rebirth as a hopefully better man than i was before! I am cautiously optimistic for the first time in a long time...
Kyh:
I'll check out the stages though not sure if they always apply in the same way with everyone in chronological order like that.
Today she was gone almost all day. At the gym again where goes pretty much every day now. Anyway, afterwards she was pretty distant at first, then somewhat friendly later. We even watched some TV together which i suggested (just as friends of course).
It feels weird living with her in the same house that we used to live in as partners but now we do so as friends (at best) I wonder if we keep this up long enough if there truly won't be any more feelings between us after a while
Like how we'd quietly fall out of love completely, though i am pretty sure that is NOT what i want and i still have hope that it is not what SHE wants deep inside. When i say i am pretty sure then that uncertainty is explained by the fact that i am distancing myself from her to protect myself and what can i tell you? It's working...
So, I have now been living with the alien version of my H for about 15 months. In the first 6 months, he spewed angry hostile garbage at me constantly and I internalized so much of it. It's hard not to: he has been the most important person in my world for over 20 years, and I could only make sense of my love for him and who he had always been to me by allowing some of his garbage to become my emotional truth.
It sounds like you pushed on your W's boundaries from a place of desperation. And, that seems to be something that happens with LBS folks. That said, it takes TWO people to engage in boundary violation in this context... your W allowed it. And, so what if your W was the strong one holding the reigns sometimes? Why is that wrong? It's a system the two of you set up over a long period of time, too, and you set it up together. It's 100% completely okay to change systems you built together, but it's a shared responsibility. If your W is typical MLC, she didn't voice a lot of her concerns before and suddenly you've got you B drop.
My MLC still lives with me. I am still standing for my M, and the benefits of having my H live with me are that he gets to see all of the hard work I've put into growing and moving and becoming my best version of myself. He gets to see that these stories he's built around who I am to make sense of his cognitive dissonance aren't true. If you move out, your W won't get to see your hard earned changes. Distance DOES NOT make the heart grow fonder. So, if you're uncertain, stay where you are. By all means, do your growth. Figure out which parts of who you are need a tune up and go do those things. 100%!!! find a new stability... fall in love with hobbies, get connected, go join your own gym, find stability outside of her, YES! Because she won't be stable anytime soon and you can't have your wellness depending on her. You have to build your own new anchors. My H feels much reassured by the anchors I'm building in my life because a lot of his story is that he's had to do everything for me, be my everything, and so my becoming less dependent decreases his fear and I get to see my old H a bit more than I used to.
But, it's a long road. It ain't easy, and there are no guarantees. You could stay, stand, become your best self and your W might still leave, choose a D, get stuck in her tunnel. You have to make sure that the growth you do is for your own outcome. I tell myself pretty often that the hard emotional work I'm doing right now is going to benefit me in every version of my future, and I find that immensely comforting.
In those early days, I had to take it one minute at a time. But, if I could go back, I would have loved to have known how much time I really had... I didn't need to rush or freak out at every bump because, really, we're standing still. Every wild swing of his moods means nothing, and he only seems to think about taking any action when I lose my sense of detachment. If we ever go our separate ways, I'm sure it'll be at my initiation so I can breathe and take my time.
This is NOT your fault. You didn't break her and you can't fix her. But, you can 100% become the best version of yourself.
BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016 H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37 D 10, Son 7 M to H = 20 years EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
that really means a lot to me in this situation where i am constantly torn between moving out and staying.
Today i was looking at a place i could move in to and honestly... i could picture it right there, by myself, starting a new life!
Unthinkable just a few months ago. Doesn't it speak volumes when right now i am looking more forward to the evenings where my W is gone doing her thing than the ones she stays at home with us?
I mean.. it's like i REALLY don't know her anymore at all, like a completely different person in all aspects. Most of the time when she talks she talks about her new gym stuff and how she is doing things with her new friend (supposedly gay which i only semi-buy into but no matter) and the other time she sits there texting on her phone all the time. The couple times she DOES say stuff to me personally feels FORCED.
So to summarize, we have 2 people who kinda don't even feel comfortable around each other anymore on most days. Once in a while there's a day where i feel her trying to approach me though, like yesterday we took our son to a theme park (we used to love going before BD) and i guess she must have felt somewhat melancholic because she tried to grab my hand on several occasions and even leaned onto my shoulder while watching a show. She asked me if it was ok to do that before and honestly i was freaked and didn't know HOW to respond?
I ended up saying "It's alright" but it was awkward for me at least... What does she think is gonna happen? I'm gonna burst out with joy? I don't believe for a second that any of that has any meaning whatsoever since the next day she will be cold and distant again toward me but i guess it still felt nice for a small moment in time.
Anyway, you have made a strong case for staying and i guess in the end only I can make that decision but it's SO hard right now to make up my mind
If you aren't sure as to whether to stay or not, take a nice long weekend and go somewhere and stay over night. By doing this, it may help you decide what to do.
It's up to you as to what you do about moving out...but I would think long and hard about it and only make a decision when I am calm. Rash decisions tend to come back and bite you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job, i guess it's still too early to make a call like that.
Earlier tonight, she made some advances towards me again, we watched a movie together and she leaned on me, which i casually accepted but then after a while i got up to go to my bedroom to sleep and then she said:
"So it's gonna be like that?"
I said "It has to be..." and left it at that... she didn't really respond.
It really just feels WRONG to let this go any further since i clearly feel that this is not the person i once knew and loved, but it is also NOT a person i'd want to be with right now since she doesn't come across as "genuine" if that makes any sense? Before all this, my wife was the most trustworthy, honest, loving, morally steadfast person i had ever known, but right now?
It's... someone completely different that MAYBE still has those qualities hidden deep inside her.
Either way, i feel strongly that if at all, i will only be able to give her... us a chance again when/if she comes out of MLC and has decided on who she wants to be.
She seriously had the nerve to ask me yesterday whether i would still go with her and our son on a holiday vacation!!!
We used to go all the time (even after BD) because at first she felt that this would help us find closer together again... which it kinda DID, but then as soon as we were back to our daily routine, things turned sour again.
Anyway, i backed out kind of by shrugging and saying "we'll see..." then she left it at that...
If she brings it up again, does anyone here have ANY experience with such a situation?
Good idea, bad idea? I mean, how could this even WORK realistically? Would we have to get two separate rooms now and one for the kid? Ugh... sometimes i feel the spiritual guidelines on how to act during this whole ordeal are well set but the practical day to day stuff is a complete MESS lol
Maybe when this will all be over one day (no matter the outcome) i should write a book on how to handle these little big problems of daily life with an MLCer!
It's up to you decide whether to go on the vacation or not. Some do go on vacation and they either sleep in separate rooms and/or beds. That would be a decision that you two would need to discuss as to the room accommodations. Who knows....she may say one room, two beds. There is no way of telling what is going through her mind because she doesn't know herself.
You have to remember that their empathy chips are broken and to them, there is nothing wrong in going on holidays or doing things together because they now look at us as just friends and nothing more.
My questions to you are: 1) How do you feel about it?; and 2) Do you think you could enjoy yourself and leave the expectations at zero during this time?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
