Come to think of it. I'm not even giving her the same treatment she gave me. Turn around is fair play right, but I'm not petty like that. By all means I am doing for her what I asked her to do for me so many times and now when the shoe is on the other foot I am being more than accommodating.
Please fill me in on exactly how I am being so judgmental too? Being truthful about how I feel about her actions all I am being.
You guessed it, my wife! She asked if I wanted to talk and I said sure.....not really though.
[quote=Cali08]Her actions will speak volumes and I will easily see if she tries to put effort forth and I feel she is worth my time or efforts too.
Will they?
I mean she did all of this stuff over the last however many months. And all she had to do was say a few "I miss yous" and she's 'back in'. I mean, havent we been down this road before? Why will this time be any different?
To me, she reached out because she was lonely, and you reassured her that you were right there at her beck and call. So I imagine now she will go back into a shell knowing you are there if she feels lonely again.
One of the things I take from MWD's writings is that the LBS always has to be the one to change first. From everything I read from you, you keep expecting HER to be the one to change. I just dont see that ever happening without you moving one way or another first.
Ugh....I went to delete a lot of the post and deleted my first comment with it.
My point was that you said you didnt want to talk and then went ahead and did most of the talking anyway. Next time, Id focus a lot more on listening, even if she is struggling for words.
You guessed it, my wife! She asked if I wanted to talk and I said sure.....not really though.
[quote=Cali08]Her actions will speak volumes and I will easily see if she tries to put effort forth and I feel she is worth my time or efforts too.
Will they?
I mean she did all of this stuff over the last however many months. And all she had to do was say a few "I miss yous" and she's 'back in'. I mean, havent we been down this road before? Why will this time be any different?
To me, she reached out because she was lonely, and you reassured her that you were right there at her beck and call. So I imagine now she will go back into a shell knowing you are there if she feels lonely again.
One of the things I take from MWD's writings is that the LBS always has to be the one to change first. From everything I read from you, you keep expecting HER to be the one to change. I just dont see that ever happening without you moving one way or another first.
Noooooo that's not even close. She isn't back in....not even close! I only told her that if we were to even have a slight bit of a friendship it was going to be a long road.
If you read what I said I already think that I am getting contacted because she is lonely. I also said I don't trust her. My wife knows that the situation is very precarious.
That being said she is putting up an effort that I haven't seen before. It certainly doesn't make her any more trust worthy in the least. She did text me today while I was at work and asked if I was off yet and if she could call me and talk. I just responded with I will have to talk later. I have things to do.... which was true. I had to go to the gym and then go watch a movie with a co-worker of mine. She just responded with an OK and that is the last I heard of her. I can guarantee she is probably waiting on me to contact her back to let her know it's OK to call. Quite frankly I am not really keen on doing it.
I know you all think that I have done nothing to grow, but I have. It's her turn to analyze things and learn from them, which she says she has been for a little while now.
In your opinion should I not allow her to talk to me? Honestly what she talked about in our conversation were things that we should of have been talking about since the very beginning, but she was stubborn and kept justifying her bad actions instead.
Ugh....I went to delete a lot of the post and deleted my first comment with it.
My point was that you said you didnt want to talk and then went ahead and did most of the talking anyway. Next time, Id focus a lot more on listening, even if she is struggling for words.
Don't you hate that when it happens!
Let me clarify. I said that to myself and not to her. At the moment I was just wanting to relax at the end of my day and not have any drama. All my conversations with her before were like pulling teeth and they went no where, so I didn't expect anything more out of her. Further more, I only did most of the talking in the beginning of the conversation because she didn't know where to begin and she admitted she was afraid to talk to me because she knows how badly she messed things up. Those were her own words by the way. In short when I first got on the phone and she said she wanted to talk I said talk then and nothing was coming out other than what I mentioned before, so I had to do most of the work in the beginning to get the ball rolling. I was eventually able to just sit there and listen to her try to explain things and talk things through, which was nothing, but listening.
Do you want to be with her? Do you even like her? You sound disgusted by her. I understand you have a commitment to your vows, but it is never going to work if you don't even like the woman.
So, why do you want to take the "long hard road" with her to just a friendship?
Do you want to be with her? Do you even like her? You sound disgusted by her. I understand you have a commitment to your vows, but it is never going to work if you don't even like the woman.
So, why do you want to take the "long hard road" with her to just a friendship?
Nothing is easy when it comes to marriage and it takes constant work and commitment by both people. I said even if we are to have a friendship it is going to be a long road, which means it's going to be a long road too if we are to try to patch things up. I love my wife and yes I am really disappointed in her actions and, yes, you could even say disgusted too. Like I said before I am trying to do the right thing and I am working on being a better person, so being able to see things from her perspective is part of that. I see both sides, good and bad, but I need to find out if there is still enough love between us to even continue.
I loved my wife and the first 8 months I tried with her and more than I probably should have. All I wanted was to have my wife back and to work on making things better with us and our marriage. Then these past few months my wife got harder to deal with and I saw no effort on her part at all, so I stopped all communication and then I find out about the little fling she had, which I am still not clear on the depth of, so I turned away from her completely and believed she was a lost cause. She sure in the hell didn't make me believe any differently. Now she wants to come out of the wood works and tell me she misses me and that wants to talk. I'm sorry, but that's not how this works. I'm not at her beck and call when she gets lonely or bored.
She seems to be very genuine and much more so then before, but she has already turned back towards me a few times and then just ended up shitting on everything again. I basically have a problem believing her at this point. There is a difference this time though and it seems she is really wanting to open up to me and actually take responsibility for what she has done, which she never did before. I have to ask myself though, how many times am I going to let her change her mind. You have to put your foot down at some point.
That being said and to answer your question, yes, I do still love my wife, but I hate everything she did to me and my family. I can think of when we were married and I miss her, but I can at the same time think of things she has done and it disgusts me. At this point she has to prove to me that we are worth saving that she is worth allowing back into my life. As of right now she hasn't reached back out to me since my last text when I told her that I would talk to her later because I had things to do. I suppose it's a bit of a test of the waters so to speak to she if she cares enough to fight for our marriage. I am sure there is a lot going through her head, like the fact that she feels I don't want to talk to her and since I didn't get back to her she won't contact me again.
I guess what I am looking for is some fight from her. I want to know she is willing to fight for us and for me. I want to see her fight like I have. I believe you will always fight for the things you love and are worth while, but if she just feels defeated and doesn't attempt to contact me again that will speaks volumes to me. So on one hand I felt happy that she was talking about things and seemingly wanting to work on things, but on the other I think of what she has done recently in the past and I want no part of it and think that maybe this is a sign for me to get out while I can.
Instead of focusing on the fight, focus on the forgiveness. It will take you further and make your life richer.
There should be a fight for our marriage! I strongly believe that a marriage should be something worth fighting for!
Believe when I say there is a lot of forgiveness for my wife and it's one of the reasons I even talked to her the other day, but I have to be smart about this. Forgetting is the one thing I shouldn't do. What she did wasn't even a little bit right and to automatically forgive her and let her back into my life would be foolish. I need more than I am sorry, I really messed things up and I miss you to move forward with our relationship. What she did isn't to be taken lightly. I would love to just go back to being married to my wife.....hell I wish none of this ever even happened. So yes, I would like to see the willingness to fight for us because that is going to be important for us to move forward.
It's normal for someone to miss you when they are lonely and the is exactly what I see right now. She is on the road by herself just having time to think about things. I want to see her missing me when she is home and busy having fun. If you think that I am wrong in that then I hope that the next person you meet is brave enough to fight for you. I have already shown my wife that I was fighting for our marriage and relationship, but when it came down to it she was a coward to do what she did. I want to see that she has a little courage in her and more than what she has just shown me. Im giving her some time to reach out again, but so far I have heard nothing out of her and it's once again disappointing to say the least.
It seems, sadly enough, that the only way she has learned to maybe, and I do stress that maybe, to appreciate me is losing me. And in my opinion cheating on someone you love is one of the most disgusting, hurtful and disrespectful things you can do.
So tell me, do you think I be like all is for given and let her waltz right back into my life like nothing happened. Let her barely address it and act like nothing went down?
Well my wife called me again tonight. We talked for about 4 hours...ugh, my ear hurts from the phone pressing on it. We talked about everything and I said a lot to her. She broke down and cried and said she was so so sorry a lot and finally it was my turn to listen to her.
She said it's hard for her to talk to me about things, especially since she has been doing a lot of soul searching lately..... in her own words. She has been realizing things about herself and it's been hard to turn her attention inward. She said she realizes that when she gets depressed that she has a self destructive type behavior, which makes things even worse and more depressed. She has typed pages and pages to me before, which she was afraid to send to me because she thought I wouldn't want to hear it. She was sure she ruined her life by what she did.
She said that she has been looking at toxic people and things in her life and realizes that they are bad influences and is now cutting these things out of her life. My wife repeating a lot of what in previous posts about what is going on with her. She really has seemed to hit rock bottom.
I told her that I don't trust her and I have a lot of doubt about it and that I think she is just contacting me out of loneliness. I basically told her everything I thought about her and what she did. She was very very quite... until of course when she couldn't hold it anymore and started crying. I genuinely feel a different feel from her and I do think she regrets it all, for one she said she did, but two because she pipped in with telling me what wasn't right that she did and realizes that she was absolutely wrong.
She thanked me for even listening and talking to her. She was talking about the work she is doing on herself to be a better person. I did end up being gentle with her and motivating her to grow from this and to learn. She says this is what she is doing. I talked a lot with her about being able to let go of all the negative talk she has in order to let the healing process begin.
All she is asking for right now is if she can call me and we can talk. I told her I have a lot of reservations about things and I don't know what I want and it was unfair for her to ask me right now and little trust for what she is saying. She told me I have every right to be that way.
At this point in time, regardless of what our relationship is going to be much later down the road, I think I need to be a point of light for her. She needs a lot of help and I am going to try to be there for her. She needs to do a lot of work and she needs something solid in her life. That by no means I am letting jump right back into my life in the least and she knows that because I told her. It going to be a very long process for her and I am not sure I will be able to go back the way we were. I do want to help her though, she really has seemed to hit rock bottom and I think that I can either help her sink lower or start to heal from this and grow as a person. I wouldn't feel right about making things worse for her. Trust me when I say that I didn't hold back when telling her what I thought, so I didn't sugar coat a dang thing.
