Picking up Her MESS #2

[J5K]

Marina,

I am sorry you are going through this. I also have kids that are adopted. I have read your thread from the beginning. You are doing great! Stay focused on you and the kids. Do everything you can to keep them together. There has already been enough trauma in their lives, ensure that the 3 of them are together as they are young.

My xW acted similarly and only wanted my S4 just over a year ago and in the end she left S4 with xMIL and went away with another man for a weekend trip. That was the last time I allowed the boys to be separated from each other.

It doesn’t matter if an S is MLC or WAS, actions are similar. Kids truly are resilient. Do they want their parents back together, yes, but you cannot control her actions. The kids will see that quickly and recognize that. They will know you are the stable one.

Keep taking the kids to therapy. I have been through many therapists and although they are all nice, I have just recently found a psychiatrist that I know will truly help me and my boys, this is 2 years later after my xW left. I have been fortunate enough to have people come into my life that have done everything they can for the boys.

Stability is what the kids need and they are getting that from you.

I am here to support as best as I can. Stay strong and take care of the children.

[marina7]

J5K,
Thank you for your encouraging words and wisdom, I read your sitch Thanks to Sandi she guided me to your story as our storyis very similar. It is a sad story how our W adopted kids and to abandon them again I just don't understand and might never understand. My W is still very cold hearted towards d9 and s8 doesn't even call them they have not spoken to her going on 3 month's. Am not sure how a human person hold so much anger and grudges on children's that didn't choose to be adopted it was us adult to adopt them. Again Jim thank you and may God keep guiding you and your boys.

[Vanilla]

Marina

I would like to say the only thing that I can, you are a wonderful mom with an attitude and heart that does you great credit.

Your sitch like Jim's leaves me speechless.

Know you are in my prayers and I am sending you as much rainbow strength as I can. You are a survivor and your beautiful children need your strength and love.

Biggest hugs

V

[marina7]

Vanilla,
Thank you for your kind words especially after today. I appreciate everyone here there's is days I feel like am drowning.but God will us through this time.


Venting
Pick up s9 for the weekend as court mandatory I see him until child guardian of litem makes the dession for him thento live with us. W d9 and s8 are in car waving to her she ignore them on pick up date for s9.so today is drop off date back to take s9 which i did and once again W ignore two beautiful children that once called her mommy. I am just so broken for her. For all my kids I can't seem to understand what's that hate she has towards them. Maybe someone can help me understand why a waw or MLCer treat kids horribe with hate not even looking at them mind you it's been 3 months since she talk or contact them am lost for words and in pain for my kids while i have to wipe tears away and say everything going be ok.

[Vanilla]

There is an abuse pattern called the 'golden child' in which for one reason or another the one who behaves this way sees a child as part of themselves. Other children can be scapegoated or ignored.

This may seem very strange but being ignored may be the healthiest of all. I suggest you normalise and plan to distract the children at this point, showing a 'so be it' stance.

The child with the biggest risk is the golden child who will have 'flea' type behaviour possibly feeling 'special'. Be glad for your two children out of her influence.

You, lovely lady are the most important one for the health of your children.

Breathe, sadly this is a good thing.

V

[marina7]

Vanilla,
WOW,and WOW is all I can say I have never heard of golden child. I will have to read about this more. I have never seen anyone behavior this way. I see now how she hates them I guess in my eyes I thought for a min wow she really hates me but then I seen all the signs of a WAW or MLCer W replace all friend's well let's say all her friends that really know her, W started changing in cloths,losing weight,gym, eating habits then the kids complaining how they don't listen to her while S9 is saying No they not you always yelling at them and screaming. A little about my kids S9 is more lay back and minds his business just into toys and games, where D9 and S8 are very out spoken if you miss treat them they speak there mind they can't be controlled as they are there own person where S9 is very easy to manupilate and control.

I have sent the e-mail to lawyer explaining her behavior letting my lawyer know how can I allow W to see kids this weekend alone when she didn't acknowledge them while me picking and dropping off S9 she bluntly see them and they waving and W didnt even say hi or got out of car just yelled at s9 hurry get in and speeded off. I was lost for words and explain to my kids hey is not your fault her behavior is this way. D9 said we know this mom and don't be sad is not your fault. Thank God for therapy. That my two kids been going. I hope the judge will see that this is mental abuse but I also don't know how much longer I can afford a lawyer. I have no funds I am putting all my pennies to try to get s9 back home. With me out of work due to surgery. This is hard but I know I have to bring S9 home and protect my 3 babies that didn't ask to be adopted especially not to be treated this way. I know God has a plan.

[marina7]

Journaling,
Just got off the phone with lawyer, I have some pretty big concerns with W behavior this weekend while picking up S9. This is taking a toll on my d9 she is emotional wreck she has so many emotions and then up top of it W ignores on pick up and drop off while they are sitting there, I as there mom who I promise to God to protect them and guide them and from any harm. I express to my lawyer how do I let s8 and d9 go with her this weekend and her upcoming weekends when she can't even acknowledge them during drop off for a few seconds, lawyer understands my concerns and address them to her lawyer in an email but my lawyer said we can't make W be human or have feeling or emotions W must want to get help herself and you must keep protecting them like you have. W is a WAW a MLCer and in PTSD due to being a veteran's and I actually am starting to believe W might be a narcissist. W has lot's of demons to fight off. I actually think I can say there will never be a W and I again there is to much damage done with us as a FAMILY. W broke this family to the ground we are slowly picking ourselves up but kids and I have a long process. I pray to God this doesn't affect my kids future there own family when they get older. I wish there was something I could have done to made things better for W but I know in reality there's nothing I can do but pray and keep asking God to lead her into his arms again so her healing can begin.

[Vanilla]

I would say to you not to label the person only the behaviour.

If you want to say WW behaves badly, abusively and with PTSD then do so. The courts don't like labels generally. So saying she is a...... will create mud slinging. Show instances of behaviour with evidence OK? The evidence is vital.

Please document too.

I suspect I am right on the golden child, choosing the one child that mirrors back more easily. Your other two children will stand up for themselves and WW will likely find it difficult. So in the longer term the sad thing is they will grow apart from WW. And it's likely that she will easily move on from them which of course is less damaging. Sometimes as in Jim WW case she wanted the 'babies' as babies often love unconditionally. When toddlers become children waywards often loseen interest.

The more you hang on to this then the more WW is likely to manipulate. So nonchalance may be your best tactic. Please Google grey rock and also medium chill, it was a long time before I ran into these strategies and I wished I had earlier. I am hoping I can help you get there sooner than I did.

Your funds are limited so you may wish to look to an abuse group for support, often these things are funded by charity or by philanthropists. Although I don't know your jurisdiction, is it possible another poster here can advise. I am only used to the UK systems. Certainly join a group in IRL for some support. It really helps even if it's only a single mums meetup.

Extreme self care, this is stressful.

I am here, lovely lady to listen.

V

[marina7]

Vanilla,
Again thank you for kind words and encouragement. I no longer worry about her yes 4 months ago I was a wreck but it's getting easier but when I see my kids affected by this now the momma bear is in protective mode I am and I know I will be getting s9 soon as W abandon her FAMILY and then separated siblings. What I am concern is like I told my lawyer if she can't even say hi to them for 5 seconds how is she really going be with them alone. God knows am not keeping them away am just trying to keep there mental stage ok. She is very verbal I just want supervise visit with her until she receives help first for herself and then she could worry about kids.
I am in Illinois our state is 50/50 parenting but again due to her actions things will be different. I also have came to peace if she doesn't want to be part of there life either but I just wish she will say that to her lawyer or me. But again who knows what is going on with her mind. I honestly till this day before coming here I thought she just stop loving me or never in love I never label her even my lawyer ask is she a narcissist I honestly didn't know what that met at first then I read it. At the end W is fighting some demons not my circus not my monkey's I just want peace in my life and my 3 kids together and us 4 keep going to therapy and taking it all day at a time. But is hard dealing with someone like W. But Thank you again and I'll take all advice and books and anything I can learn from to help my kids get through this rough time in our LIFE.

[Vanilla]

I love your stance.

Don't fret too much your two children are grounded and they go together. They will be open with you if there is nonsense going on. She will be bored with them as they don't mirror her back. The best scenario is she ignores them and they come home with empty tummies and unwashed clothes.

There are two reasons she may be manipulative, money and to wind you up. So happy face on, have a great time kids..........

The more she sees you concerned the more her delight. If you let go by going grey rock then there is no joy for her in having the kids. Despite what she says thone visits will get further and further apart. Let go. You have great kids.

Momma bear, it's lovely to see you put your kids first. Please extreme care of you.

I don't know if you have read the abuse thread?

I will post the link for you.

V