WW, A ended, but limbo and unanswered Qs.(My 10th)

[petri]

I may know nothing but I can give some wise words from people who I think know something:

"You only lose what you cling to" Buddha

"Sometimes you have to move on without certain people. If they're meant to be in your life, they'll catch up." Mandy Hale

"If you love something so much, let it go. If it comes back it was meant to be. If not it wasn't." Albert Schweitzer

Just let go.

[Ginger1]

You can trust if she did or did not go to OM in the same house or separated. If she wants it, she will find a way to do it. Being in the same house has nothing to do with it. Her level of commitment to you is what will decide if she does or not.

[sandi2]

An emotional affair, they came very close to a physical affair, with one of my very best friends. I've never had anything more hurtful and flicked it on me or seen inflicted on someone I care about. If we were to separate now, I have no qualms about the idea of as you say letting her go free. Everyone here with eyes open. But I have made no secret of the fact, and I have told her, that if she chooses any sort of relationship with om in the future, then she will have nothing for me, not even friendship. I have been very clear about this. If she is willing to commit now, I have forgiven her for the past. If she can't commit now, that I can walk away. All I am saying, is that I don't know if I could ever trust that she did not go to om, whether or not she actually didn't.

Okay, I get it. I've calmed down. You hit a nerve and I over reacted. I apologize for calling it bull cr@p. I agree and respect you for all you've said in the quote above. If you told her if she ever had anymore to do with the OM the M would be over......then stick to your boundary. Stop sounding as if you are making all these excuses.....and just remind us of the boundary you set.

I'll admit I let your words of "tainted goods" distract me from your boundary, but I was thinking you had told her you would leave, if she ever saw the OM again.

I think your boundary has limited the hope that a physical separation will work toward saving the M. But, you certainly can't tell her it's fine to date......unless you let her know you will be dating as well (which is always risky, IMHO). However, the fact that the OM was your close friend, makes her A feel like a double betrayal.

[Joe2017]

Pete,

Those were great quotes. Thank you.

[hoosjim]

You can trust if she did or did not go to OM in the same house or separated. If she wants it, she will find a way to do it. Being in the same house has nothing to do with it. Her level of commitment to you is what will decide if she does or not.

And that, meaning her level of commitment, is exactly what I need to discern. If she is "in", great. If not, she may never have been. And I walk.

And by tainted goods I am not speaking in the crude, sexual sense. What she did to me and what I did to her is all in the open now. I have attoned, and committed to trying to work through our issues. If she is not, or if she is the kind of person who could go back to,OM, knowing how much it hurt me and us, under the same circumstances, stringing me along... then she is not the type of person I would want to be with.

[Joe2017]

I feel for you Jim. I doubt she will give you an answer. She seems to be in a holding pattern.

[hoosjim]

I mean, I think you guys are misunderstanding me. I'm not saying I can't walk because I fear that that means we can never reconcile, I am saying that I CAN walk, but that that i KNOW (or at least have convinced myself) that, if I walk, it is over for good, for the reasons I stated above. I hope because of this that she chooses the marriage, sincerely and truly, but I understand there is a good chance, perhaps even the lions share of a chance, that she wont. And I don't see us working out in that case, I just dont.

But that doesn't mean I can't and won't walk away. The idea that she might be playing me or stringing me along until she can reconnect witha OM infuriates me.I thought she had faced the wrong of what she had done and the damage it caused and could have caused. If she merely digested that...and has been stringing me along knowing she is going back to
OM? Then sh would also not be someone I would ever want to be involved with.

The Bible talks about forgiveness, which I have in my heart. But there is a big leap between forgiveness, and allowing someone access to your heart.

[hoosjim]

But, you certainly can't tell her it's fine to date......unless you let her know you will be dating as well

If we split, I would be open to her dating... and to doing likewise myself. I have been blessed with seeing interest from other women, which has helped my confidence immensely. So, she could date. I'd hope she would instead focus on herself and her own issues (and she does have issues), but she could date. But I have told her and would tell her again thst if she were to go back to OM at any point, even after a period of 'working on" or "trying to work on" the marriage, that I don't think, especially given her previous subterfuge, that id believe she'd ever given up the relationship with OM or intended to try to reconcile. I would, in short, not be able to entertain any kind of relationship with her.

[hoosjim]

And, yeah, all of that probably means that because of my boundaries a Reconciliation is less likely. But those are boundaries on which I am not ever going to budge. As I explained it to her many many many weeks ago, at the point in time where I dropped my bomb on her and walked away: "You've talked about happiness being important, but how happy do you think I would be with you carrying on a relationship of any sort with OM, a relationship that is long as it existed would be a living breathing reminder of probably the greatest pain and betrayal ever inflicted on me or anyone I care about, the Betrayal that also spelled the final death knell for our marriage, and our family, and a happy, unbroken home for our sons and for their children Candown the road. Her response was, through tears "well and now that's always
Going to be in my head too". To which I responded " don't you think it should be? Actions have consequences. Did you expect everyone just to walk away and be happy? Me, the kids, our families, under those circumstances?" And then came the tearful I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, please don't go, etc etc

[sandi2]

Have you decided whether or not to have the talk?