Help needed from Far-east.

[joejoe1]

Anative,

To be honest, I don't know what you want. It's going to be hard to help you create a sentence, because, I can't tell if you are still trying to fight for your M or you are letting it all go. You are not DBing. You are just going with the flow. You haven't use much of the advice the board has given you.

You never update on what you GAL, 180s, and validations were. Every post you write, it's about what your W has said or what she is going to do in the Future.

What do you want to do? You W is in love with OM. Let her go. If you want a chance to get her back. Let her go!!!!!

[anative]

To be honest, I don't know what you want. It's going to be hard to help you create a sentence, because, I can't tell if you are still trying to fight for your M or you are letting it all go. You are not DBing. You are just going with the flow. You haven't use much of the advice the board has given you.

I want my family back Joe. But, it will be so hard to "in house detached" watch her call, text or even see OM without feeling like a doormat. You are right about going with the flow. Yes, I am. This is why I need the word to make it clear on what I am going to do with my life then she will stop interrupting me or thinking that I manipulate her. I can't just do it because without telling created the problem at the first place.

You never update on what you GAL, 180s, and validations were. Every post you write, it's about what your W has said or what she is going to do in the Future.

I'm trying to do 180s and GAL at the same time. I have taken the back seat for long. I thought, it is her family business so, I let her in charge. Now, my 180s is stepping up which I've already started 2-3 years ago. I do everything is the store. All my wife has to do now is signing the paper. By in charge of everything, it is very hard to GAL. Our store is open 10 to 10, 7 days/wk. I went to the gym 2-3 times/wk. so, I'm in a good shape. I started listen to the music in my studio room again(I quit going to my studio room since I knew the A). I changed the way I dress to more adults style(W complained I dressed to look younger than her). I've already taken care of my D long time ago. So, nothing needs to change on that.(W thinks, she raised D for the first 5 yrs without my help and D was too young to appreciate and now I took all the credit.) I'm not kinda outdoors guy. My happiness is sport car and Hi-End stereo. I will find something more that might interest me.

I used to be quite when we fight and let the conflict fade away. My 180s is to talk which is the opposite from Sandi's rules. If I detach, it will be same me not my 180s. I'm so confuse.

What do you want to do? You W is in love with OM. Let her go. If you want a chance to get her back. Let her go!!!!!

I just finished your 3rd tread Joe. Yours is very similar to mine. The different is you can let W go but I have to let myself go. Like I said, this is her family home, I can't kick her out. She won't either. She just asked me nicely to leave. By letting her go for most people mean let her manage her own finance, move to the new place, suffer the consequence of being without husband. But not in my case, even though letting myself go will make it easy for me to detach and GAL. Other than that, I will be the one who suffer on the change until she have enough of OM and come take me back. This what I think.
[i][/i]

[anative]

Tomorrow my W will come back from the trip. I'm thinking about telling her I want to move out. I might find condo somewhere close. I'll still work on the shop for now. I think staying apart from my W should help me detach easier. I will tell both parent and my D that we fight a lot and we both need space.

Most suggestion told me I should stay in MBR but I'm moving out!?!?
What you all think? Stay/detach or move out/detach?
I'm waiting for any comments? Thanks

[joejoe1]

A,

To detach you dont have to move out. If you think moving is better for your health and ability to heal than do so. Detachment is detaching yourself from the emotions and reactiins of your W. She in essence if she laid next to your every night or lived millions of miles away she would get the same reaction from you. Being detached is letting a person live their own life without it affecting yours. You need to read up on detachment. You will know when you are detaching. It will be when she is mad and upset and blaming you for something, you will say ok and move on. You will validate and keep living and she will immediately know the difference in your reactions from a detached Anative and an attached Anative.

[anative]

Last night I went home very late. My wife was sleeping. I bought some beer and snacks home and watched TV. About midnight, I went to take a shower, when I came out my W was waiting for me.

She asked, “Have you decided what to do?” I said, I’ll move to condo but still come to work 4-5 days a week. I might be home on the weekend when our D come home. She said thank you. She asked if I will be OK, will I be lonely? I said “I will make it.”

She cried and told me that she is lonely, confuse, and hurt. She needs s.o. love, care, hug, kiss, and talk to. She asked me if I ever love her. I didn’t say anything I told her that I said it all many time already. There is nothing left for me to say. Then I changed the subject to be about her trip. We talked normally , had some laughs. Then she asked me to rub her neck and shoulder. After, she was relieved, I went to sleep.

This morning, she asked me to take her to her fav dinning place. We had a good time. Then I saw massage from OM popped up on her phone. I drove her back to our store and went to find a condo. An hour later, I came back to the store and saw her on the phone talking to OM. I immediately changed my cloth and left the store to go to the gym. I’m not mad at all. I’m just sicking tired of this. I felt like I am a fool again. However, I’m so glad that I already made a decision to move out.

Joejoe; Thank you Joe. I haven’t finished yours yet but I wish you luck. You did great.

[joejoe1]

A,

My work will be forever. It don't stop or get easier after recon. Your W temp tested you and you failed. You need to let her go, now!!!! You deserve better.

You are her plan B! Period. You are her second option. Period! No more being plan B or option 2. You need to take your life back and stop worrying about your W. Next time she ask you questions about loving her say the exact same thing you said last time. "I've told you many times how I feel". Next time she ask you to give her a back rub, you say, "I will not be giving you back rubs as long as I'm a plan B". Next time she ask you to take her to dinner, "you tell her, you will not be taking her to dinner as long as you are her plan B". No more being plan B. Stop it A.

Get your respect back.

[anative]

Tomorrow, I’ll put deposit on the condo I chose. I’ll start move my stuff on 23rd. I felt the peace already.

OM’re still texting my W but she didn’t spend a lot of time on phone. I don’t know what’s going on but I don’t care. I don’t have to force myself to feel OK anymore when I saw W’s texting or talking to him.

[anative]

Last night, while I was sleeping, my W came to my bed and lay down next to me. She said, she miss me. She asked me again that if I ever love her. I said I did said that many times, I’m not going to say it again. She said, she’s never regret that she love me and thanks me for loving her. I validated. She hugged me and felt asleep. I hope I didn’t ruin my detachment. Did I?

[joejoe1]

A,

Your W temp tested you again. You failed again. She wanted to see if you still felt the same. She felt you slipping away and she wanted to bring you back in. IMO, you should of told her you want sleep or lay with you while you are talking to OM. Stop allowing her to dictate those situations. Learn to word, "No". She ask you those questions for one reason only, to see where you stand. I bet she is not telling you, she "loves you back". If you want a chance to get your W back you have to let her go.

Let go!!!!! Onward and Forward.

[anative]

I stay at my condo for 5 days already. First 3 days, she asked me to go have some beers after work but I refused. However, she video called me every night.

2 days ago, my W told her parent that we separated but she did't tell them about OM. They're so upset and they won't accept it. W called me that she can't sleep, got a bad headache. She didn't know what to do. I didn't give her any advice, just listen.

Then yesterday, she asked me what should she do. It seem like being separate from me is impossible for her and OM wouldn't accept it.

I said "This is not my concern at all. If OM couldn't accept your situation he should not get involve with marriage woman at the first place." I told her that if she is still in contact with OM she shouldn't call or ask me out. I don't want to get blame when she fights with OM anymore. She got mad. she said that the reason that she call me or ask me out because she worry about me not that she want to keep me and OM both. She will stop calling me from now on. Let see....

Am I doing OK this time? Any comments? Thank you in advance: )