Jim, if you sense your wife is having second thoughts maybe this is the time to say something. Maybe you need to tell her you're not ready to quit, that you believe in her and building a new better future. If you've been separated for a year then surely she's seen the changes in you. I personally would say something and express to her the hope that she'll give it another shot. I bet a beautiful sparkly necklace and flowers would help show your intent. With Valentine's day coming up there's an opportunity as well. If I were you I wouldn't sit quietly. It sounds like there is still hope.
Nicole, the objective part of me doesn't really think she's having second thoughts. Also, this board has helped me realize that she hasn't changed a bit. There's been no apology for her part in the failure of the marriage, and there's no indication she's willing to do anything differently. Absent these, I wouldn't want her back anymore.
And I guess if I'm wrong, and she is having second thoughts, I really don't want to pursue, pressure, and frighten her off. I think I'm better off waiting.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Our kids had their Winter Ball last night. I asked if I could come over W's house to take some pictures before they left. She let me know what time would be good, and I showed up on time.
They were all running late, so W and I had a few minutes to talk, and she asked if I had thought more about her request that I continue to pay child support while S17 is in college. I told her that I had really put some thought into it, and there was no way I could pay my portion of college AND continue to pay S17s portion of child support.
Of course, she exploded. I don't need to get into the details, but she said things like, "You should work more," and "Well, how am I supposed to pay for my share of college if your child support ends?" I just sat on the floor, calmly petting the dog while she went on, thinking to myself things like "maybe you should have thought about these things before you left". Finally she got herself so upset she turned and started leaving. I asked if I got to respond, and she said "no" and continued walking. I probably shouldn't have said this, but I said "so it's just like it used to be." (It's not entirely fair on my part, but often she would blow up at me, and then leave to go back to the garage, or back room, and smoke, without listening to my side.)
The thing is, there was plenty of money to send the kids to college. But unlike most married couples, we didn't have a lot of everyday conversations to discuss things like this (for those who haven't read much of my situation, she would go to the garage, and eventually the back room which she set up as a miniature smoking lounge, and smoke, for, like, 15 hours a day. She started sleeping in the back room, and would spend literally 22 hours a day back there.). She thought the money we had saved in one account was for retirement. But I have plenty of money in my 401(k) for retirement, and was planning on using the account for college. But that was the money she used to buy her house, so it's gone now.
It's funny, but I didn't really even care when she walked out of the room. I knew it doesn't matter what I would have said, no matter how logical, rational.... She wouldn't have really been able to accept it anyway because it wouldn't fit in with her vision of me as the bad guy.
She's probably going to take me back to a support conference to get more alimony and child support. She said she is, anyway. She has said she was waiting for my reply on the college/child support to get together with her lawyer and send a settlement proposal, so maybe this will move the divorce along.
One last thought... her house looks like crap. Dead Christmas tree still up, Christmas decorations still out, stuff just strewn all over the place, sink full of dirty dishes, nothing put away....
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, too bad your wife hasn't apologized. Surely she's done a little self-reflection by now, right? There's no way she can think you're to blame for everything.
That doesn't sound fair for your wife to initiate the divorce and then keep asking for more financial support. That's a double standard punishing you double.
At least seeing the house like that is a little empowering knowing you're not missing out on much and she's not on top of everything.
Nicole, no, I doubt she's done much self reflection. It wouldn't really be consistent with her personality. Also, her friends have changed, and the people she's listening to now would not encourage that line of thought.
Yup, it's not fair, but that's life. I think most of us on this board think our situations aren't fair. I think your situation is horribly unfair. But that's life, and I'm trying to make the best of it.
And I don't know if it's petty, but yes, it feels good knowing her house is a dump.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, at least you've done self reflection and you saw your mistakes. When you decide to date again your changes will definitely help in the next relationship and some other lucky lady will appreciate you.
Yes, it's so unfair. It's so hard to believe 40 - 50% of marriages end in divorce because I barely know anyone who's divorced and the few that I know seem to think their lives are better. It doesn't feel like that when you've been abandoned. It's good that you're kind of accepted that this is how it is.
And I don't know if it's petty, but yes, it feels good knowing her house is a dump.
I think this demonstrates, helps us believe, that we weren't the problem, at least not the only one. I imagine that it would be really difficult if they left and then lived a fabulous life. So yeah, maybe it's petty, but it does feel good.
As for seeing signs of positivity and wondering if it's the start of something, I agree that expectations can cause disappointment. After the initial few months after BD, I realized that nothing mattered until major action was taken that showed a change, and I am a firm believer that when they have true remorse, and want to try and make it work, there will be no question. You will know.
Before then, you may just be seeing their reaction to a little sadness, or regret, but not enough that they are committed. We all have good and bad days, even the WAS or WS, you don't want to allow their daily emotions have an impact on you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Yes, it's so unfair. It's so hard to believe 40 - 50% of marriages end in divorce because I barely know anyone who's divorced and the few that I know seem to think their lives are better. It doesn't feel like that when you've been abandoned. It's good that you're kind of accepted that this is how it is.
As someone who's about to be on the other side of the D fence, I think about this a lot. I used to view D'd people as trying to prove their lives were better after D - working out, finding new confidence, getting a new look. I thought it was pathetic, since they obviously had no sense of self.
Now with my own experience (which includes being abandoned), I see how D'd people can act this way. We're horribly broken, and it really feels like a death. The only way forward is through a kind of rebirth. To put it simply, it's making the most of a cr@ppy situation.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I told her that I had really put some thought into it, and there was no way I could pay my portion of college AND continue to pay S17s portion of child support.
Of course, she exploded. I don't need to get into the details, but she said things like, "You should work more," and "Well, how am I supposed to pay for my share of college if your child support ends?"
insanity... i guess i am just far too logical to think this way... i as a former WW, i never expected more than what was fair from H... in fact, i didn't even take all that he offered because i felt so guilty about blowing up our marriage...
she thinks you should work more--even though she is the one having trouble coming up with the college money... she should work more if she needs more money... she may as well ask you to foot the entire college bill... i don't get it... i don't get how she thinks you should give her money so she could more easily pay her part of the tuition, but put yourself in a bind where you can't more easily pay for your part of the tuition... and you didn't ask for this!!! she did!
