Go back further than 2 years on the tax documents. In fact go back at least two years before BD1 ... You're looking for financial trends, etc. Please consider hiring a forensic accountant. I firmly believe you will need one as I do not trust your H at all.
It's best he moves out quickly. Lock down all assets as have been noted by other posters.
This is now a business that is dissolving. Separate the emotion out of it as much as you can.
Focus on what YOU want and what you think you'll need moving forward. Protect your boys in case he decides to create family #2 - or #3 or #4 - the best deal is the one you're going to negotiate for your kids and yourself.
He has given you a great gift by breaking the stalemate. MOVE ON IT.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
One more thing, since your sons are still young and school, you may want to negotiate living in the current house until they have graduated from high school. However, that may not be something you want to do, so discuss this option w/a lawyer as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This document may be a gift. If you ever need to prove H is not competent - this could go a long ways towards proving it!
Really, he does sound mentally ill or drug addled. Are you mysteriously running short of spoons? Are there little bits of tinfoil or empty whipped cream canisters in his trash?
As for financial issues with divorce. Yes, get all the financial records you can and look to see if there is a suspicious pattern. (Frankly, he sounds too mentally incompetent to have done much that would be hard to find, but who knows - maybe he's got Fort Knox in that room!)
I would recommend getting as much of the settlement up front as you can. You have no idea whether he'll still be capable of working in the future, so a bird in the hand is better. If you would be due spousal support, try to get a lump sum buyout instead. Make sure there is life insurance on him to cover child support and other payments, and pay the premium yourself to make sure he doesn't let it lapse. If you can't afford to buy him out of the house, it is fairly common to draft an agreement where you and the boys stay in the house, split costs and then sell and split the equity when the boys graduate high school. This is not right for everyone but it's an option.
If he does end up paying you spousal support insist on an automatic draft from his paycheck.
If you can get him to agree to help pay for college, get it. My ex insisted on it (even though both lawyers were against the idea) and the irony is, it was likely HIM not me who would have flaked on the kids' college expenses without this agreement.
The gaslight info has begun. Today an angry spew email telling me that he and his lawyer believe I am being hostile as h has now learned that I requested copies of tax returns.
He tells me either I have to make a decision or this will be hostile. And either I am doing this with him or against him by 9PM tonight or I won't exist to him after tonight.
Any suggestions on how to phrase it that I am having a lawyer look at this? I think Gordie mentioned saying this is a significant decision and I need to review everything. I am worried that h will take this as hostile as he is so angry right now.
I want to try a very innocent approach and see is that calms him down. He wants to do this all on our own. How do I tell him I am having a lawyer look it over. He is going to freak. He is so irrational. He thinks I shouldn't contact a lawyer.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
(Hopefully) Stupid question. Do you have a safe place you could go to quickly with the boys?
Realistically, you can say that you don't understand things and that you want to be sure that you don't make mistakes with the biggest decision of your life. You wouldn't buy a new lawnmower without carefully checking your options much less something this significant. It's not just you two here. You both need to consider the boys and their future.
Also - it is the case (at least here) that an agreement where both sides haven't received independent legal advice is more likely to not hold up in court if circumstances change and it would cost both far more in legal fees unless things are done carefully. Lawyers love "kitchen table agreements" helps pay for their toys.
Because I always have the poorly timed joke there's the old one about divorce lawyer in office-towers. So they can see the boat they just bought with the fees you paid them (apologies to the lawyers present).
And - if 9:00 rolls around and he explodes - point to the door. And have a safe friend handy. Just feeling paranoid.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
So what if he freaks? All he does is verbally freak, via email and is too much of a coward to do anything else.
Do not be blackmailed or bullied by him. You do not have to walk on eggshells with him anymore. This man is so far from his right mind.
I would not work with him. He is completely irrational. I would get YOUR lawyer to draft something up, because what is on his papers is crazy.
Quite honestly, tell him no more than "Your lawyer can speak to my lawyer"
You cannot reason with crazy.
I am so sorry. Your resolve to make it this long is commendable. You have been a rock for so long, now is not the time to let him bully you. Now is the time t so stop tiptoing around and doing what you need to be done, regardless if he will "freak". Did you move money yet? I sure hope so.
I like the comment above about telling him it's important to make sure the agreement sticks that you have had outside counsel.
Also present your response to him as if you are in just as big a hurry to get it done as him.
"H, I'm really interested in getting this done. I want to make sure that there are no errors so that we don't get stuck with any confusion or mistakes. I will be seeing an attorney to review this on (Friday, tomorrow, this afternoon). Rest assured I want to move this process along expeditiously and am not trying to drag anything out."
BTW - what kind of assets are we talking about here? House should be pretty straightforward if you bought it together - either sell and split equity or an arrangement to live in it until the boys finish high school as discussed above.
Retirement plans - if you have any pensions or defined benefit plans, you need a QDRO to divide them properly, unless they are of equivalent value and you keep yours and he keeps his. 401Ks and IRAs should be divided evenly if they were accumulated during the marriage.
Child support and spousal support are usually by formula. If your incomes are roughly the same there may not be either IF he goes fo 50% custody.
Anything else to consider in your finances? Any special situations? How much debt do you have (credit card or other?)
