I'm sure you are dealing with tremendous amounts of shock and fear right now. I could give you lots of suggestions for proceeding, but I'm concerned that it could be overwhelming.
I think you need to focus on the basics:
1. Do not make any decisions when you are overwhelmed, afraid, numb, etc.
2. Do not give a bully (and that is how he is behaving) the satisfaction of fearing his threats. He may chicken out in telling the children, the children likely suspect something has been brewing and will at some level be better with it in the open, or if he does tell them and does so in a rushed manner as he is threatening, the kids will see the mess going on there. You are their rock. Forget what he says and how. It is you they will respond to. If you take away the leverage he has in your fear of telling the children, then his threats are nothing.
3. Do not fear being served. If there is shame or humiliation attached, it belongs solely to him.
4. Whatever is motivating this rapid cycling and demands will wane relatively quickly if not satisfied.
5. Do NOTHING without talking to your own lawyer. Find a specialist in family law (look on the American College of Matrimonial Lawyers website) or contact the state bar for your state and ask if they have a certification program for family law attorneys. You do not want someone who also does criminal, civil, etc. You want someone not too young or too old. Not too experienced (pricey) or too inexperienced. At least 5 years in the practice area. Find someone from a small to mid-size firm. You don't want a situation where you have a partner supervising a newbie. You'll have the high biller and the work will be done by the newbie.
Ask who will do the work on your case and make sure you meet them and like them. Find someone who believes in attempting to resolve cases out of court, but is prepared to go to trial if that is not possible. You don't want someone "out for blood" that will push you to litigate everything.
Please secure the assets (as in transferring your part of joint funds) and then move at your pace. In my state a contested divorce lasts 1-2 years. A lot can happen in that time. A red, hot burning affair will generally burn out before then.
It may not be possible right now, but think about what you want. Do you want the divorce now? Do you not know and want to buy time while you make up your mind? Are you prepared to endure several years of a heavy replay? If you know you want a divorce and won't change your mind, move forward with all alacrity. If you aren't sure, hire an attorney you like and trust and let him do the heavy lifting on his divorce while you give yourself time and distance to make the best decisions for you and the boys (because he just can't do that right now).
I know it is scary, but it is going to be OK. You DO NOT have to do this at his pace.
If he tells the boys, he tells them. But do not allow this to be a source of bullying. Contact the school and talk to the guidance counselor and express some concern about the exams and whether he can take them later or everyone can assess his situation before that decision is made.
What grade is the oldest son in? If it is 8th grade, then honestly the grades don't even matter. Better he should know and start getting through the processing. My S had a horrible year last year for 8th, but has pulled it back together for 9th.
You have to take the time now. When anyone forces you into a pressure sell, you know you are getting a bad deal. If nothing else, why help him with the OW and whatever it is that is motivating the need for speed.
Thank you all so very, very much. You guys are amazing.
Pax - I am worried this one will go as yours has. He is all over me to sign. 5 texts today all saying what a great deal it is and how generous he's being. Umm, are you throwing in some swamp land from Florida, too?
Finally I told him no more texts; emails only. Thanks Sotto! Four of those emails followed: papers are ready at x time, this lawyer is good/only $3500 total, oh, we can't use the same lawyer and office closes at 5:00 FYI.
I ignored them all.
KML and Andrew - thanks! Yep, we don't use the same lawyer. And I am not agreeing to anything.
MM2bs - thanks for that wonderful post! You are too hard on yourself. I did a lot of that stuff, too. None of it matters as you can't stop them. They are completely irrational. I wish you had posted more. It must have been hard to go through all that. I hope you had some support in real life?
I know he'll gaslight me: you are greedy for wanting your own lawyer. He already started: don't make this hard for the kids by being there when I tell them. Meanwhile he wants to move out finals week.
Own it - thank you, thank you and thank you! It helps so much to hear it from a lawyer. I will research tonight.
Also, Ownit, I am ready for this. It's not what I want but he's exhausted his options here and needs that apartment. He's said so since day 1. He always talked about his apartment in his 20's and I think he's going right back there. He is excited. A few times he said his childhood home was like his apartment. It reminds me of early replay how excited he was to run all around. He has someone. I know he does. And he'll work his issues out in her. It's time for that. Or maybe he'll live happily ever after.
Honestly, I don't see us r. This next replay will take him 2 or 3 years min. That is optimistic. Then all the other stages. From start to finish it'll be a decade of his life, easily. He was in anger back in 2012. And he's a slow burner.
I want to get through this and close the door on this chapter of my life. I want to support my kids through it. And then I want peace and quiet.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Sorry for yet another post but wait til you hear this one. Finally had the courage to open the papers h gave me last night because my sister wanted to know what lawyer h was using. Thank God for my sister who is so good at this stuff.
Anyway, h wrote the "instructions" himself. He actually calls them instructions. I can tell he wrote them because it's his voice, completely not legal sounding and he always misspells "dining room" "dinning room." And he references the "dinning room." In the custody section he actually writes that the dog will go here on these days and there on those days. Let's say the dog is named Fido. Then he ACTUALLY writes: "Fido has no choice. He's a dog."
And at one point he actually begins speculating on when he'll die and this is IN THE DOCUMENT!
And it's all completely irrational. He asks philosophical questions. Let's say h's name is Brad. He'll say "why should Brad have to pay this portion?" Umm that is a question for your lawyer not something you speculate on in the text of a "legal document."
I am laughing so hard. His lawyer must think he's nuts. A 6th grader could make it sound better.
No wonder he is desperate to have me sign it. He WROTE it. I think mine is the craziest one on these boards. He is nuts!
Last night I did not sleep; I was so worried he got the best lawyer and it was going to be top notch. Tonight I'll sleep. Wait 'til I bring this to a real lawyer.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
That reminds me, when I found out about OW1 he said we should divorce and not tell the kids, and he would move out of state and come and stay in the house when he wanted to come back and see them. I told him he was nuts. He repeatedly told me that I was blowing up all of our lives and the fallout would be on me. These people are so messed up.
Since you feel done and have been at this so long and know what it looks like from here, my suggestion is to find a lawyer and push it through quickly (on your terms).
Doubtless he will get scared and do the MLC-stall. You will have to be the one to steer to the finish. The faster you move, the cheaper it will be. Also, he is much more likely to be reasonable if you get it done early in the infatuation zone (both of my family law attorney pals stressed this). Because mine split with OW1 only 3 weeks after move-out, I couldn't get there. I pushed when I found out about OW2, but he wasn't having any of it.
Do assume that he has been prepping this for a long time and has money you don't know about and ask for much more than you are entitled to.
I can't believe your MLCers are so crazy HaWho and OwnIt! My XH is positively sane compared to your two weirdos.
Agree that getting the financial settlement done quickly is preferable, but not at such a pace as to cause distress to you HaWho. My XH is still jerking me around with our settlement, but now that the divorce has been granted, I have some bandwidth to concentrate on getting it done - as much as I hate doing it!
It irks me that were our marriages considered to be contractually binding business arrangements, and our XH's reneged on all promises, they would most likely be ordered to pay all legal costs once they'd been found to have been in breach. In our cases, the 'no fault' divorce principle has done us few favours. To me it seems a bit unfair to be expected to pay emotionally and financially for what can be seen as the completely irrational actions of somebody else.
Last night I did not sleep; I was so worried he got the best lawyer and it was going to be top notch. Tonight I'll sleep. Wait 'til I bring this to a real lawyer.
Don't underestimate him. I thought that my ex was going with one particular lawyer that I wasn't too worried about but then she showed up with the toughest bulldog in the county. She got good advice somewhere on that. I'm still not sure how she managed to pay the bill but I expect that she had "help" on that.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
you can also hire a forensic accountant. in fact i suggest you do that immediately as he has always exhibited sneakiness around finances. you have to think of yourself and your boys.
{{{{{{{HaWho}}}}}}} I'm sorry honey.
Protect yourself and the boys.
I"m sorry that you're going through this. I agree that you're ready - far more ready than most and frankly I think you're far more ready than stbxh.
xoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I agree w/the others, strike while the iron is hot. Right now, he wants out desperately, so give it to him on your own terms. Ask for a higher settlement in order to negotiate. When they want out in the early stages, they are more likely to give away the ocean view in Tucson, Arizona (no view), just to get rid of you and the awful situation that they think they are in.
I do think he's been putting money aside for this exit for quite some time. It may not have been a lot, but he's been hiding funds little by little.
As for the paperwork you read last night...that lawyer should be ashamed of himself/herself. The lawyer has to be very much aware that he's lost the plot and is going to soak him for everything he's got and then some because he/she knows how this will go down. Then, most likely, later on, the lawyer is going to tell him to find someone else to represent him.
The lawyer sounds so much like the one that I took on that my xh had. She found out that I wasn't crazy like my xh and just before we went to court to have the divorce decree documents, signed and sealed, she bailed on him and he had to get a lawyer from another firm. Yep, another firm. But, in the end, he was so desperate to get out of the marriage, I challenged him on a large sum of money in his IRA and I got it right there in the court room.
Yes, he's ready to move into his own place. It's taken him quite a while to get to this point, but this may help him figure things out about his life...but that will not be your problem to fix. However, I have this feeling he's still going to be around your home and sending you a lot of messages even if he's moved out. You will need to set some boundaries and really stick to them. You will need to advise your sons not to share our business w/him, because he is going to ask them about you, who you are seeing, etc. They all do it. But that is later down the road.
Run, do not walk, to the best lawyer in town. It will be well worth every penny and advise that lawyer you aren't playing around and want this done as quickly as possible and not have it drawn out, i.e., costing you lots of money.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That is a wacky document. I thought my stbx was bad when she gave me a cut and paste settlement to “sign right now” that still had portions clearly written for another couple. When I confronted her, she said she hadn’t read it. My L has also warned me that her L may fire her as a client because she has been so wacky which will only draw things out further. Godspeed.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
