So just a quick update. I was here on the boards back in 2013. Like most I was distraught about losing such an amazing woman. For years I neglected and laid waste to my relationship. I won't take you through all the details they are littered throughout the boards. She left(ILBNIWY). I made a decision that I wanted to save my marriage. I found DB I went on a journey that I'd never forget.
I started out this journey consuming anything I could just to maintain my sanity. I cycled through daily emotions of high's to extreme lows 20min after the high. She told me there was no chance we would ever be together and that's when my mission went from getting her back to getting me back. Personal growth became an addiction for me and I made huge strides. And a year later guess what? The woman who said she'd never return did. (There are many in between false alarms/starts). For the past 4 years everything was great because I felt like as a byproduct of my growth she returned.
Now this is where is gets interesting, while I grew in that time period, she did not. And for the past few years I have communicated my perspective on our relationship with only the clarity a person who's been through the fire can explain. Now I sit as a man who is on the brink of saying ILB this isn't working for me anymore... It's not a question of love, I love her dearly. I have redefined what marriage/relationships mean to me. Not through the social constructs that have been embedded in our senses and thought process, but what is important for me.
I guess what I'm rally trying to convey here is, grow! We do not NEED anyone, it's the choice that makes it beautiful. We are already whole beings without another individual, they are just the cherry on top. I hope this can be of help to someone who is struggling today. Focus on you and the rest will follow...
Thanks, this something I needed to hear. Unfortunately, I have recently found myself where you were in 2013. I'm sure our stories mimic one another in details... I didn't realize what I had, didn't think she'd really leave, etc. There'e been no infidelity and no separation yet, though she's mentioned it many times. We've been seeing a therapist once a week and it often times seems to help, but bottom line is, she's all over the map and I've learned not to put much stock in her inconsistent moods and words.
Our troubles came primarily from me... I'm quite the type A personality, controlling, and hard to please. Well, at least I was. This whole experience has made me see life thru a different lens, and I'm made profound positive strides in changing much about me over the past 4 month since she said she wanted a divorce. She's see and acknowledges the changes and positivity in me, but she's kinda at 'too little, too late'.
Over these past 4 months I, too, have been on a roller coaster of extreme highs to extreme lows, sometimes within minutes of each other it seems. Every waking moment is spent thinking about this, about her, our kids, our family, our life. I'm a bit of an introvert, so though I do have friends, I don't stay in close contact with any of them, at least not to the point where I feel I could open up to them about any of this. So I found myself alone, trying to maintain somewhat of a 'normal' daily life thru this all and get by, but I quickly realized that I was spiraling to rock bottom, and FAST. I eventually reached out to a friend I knew I could trust and he put me onto the DB website.
The first thing he sent me was a link to a thread that basically summarized, with 37 different points, what to do/not to do while attempting to save the marriage. Unfortunately (and probably quite typically) I was doing just about everything I should NOT be doing. I'm only on day 4 now (lol) of trying to stick with the advice it gave, and it's far from easy, because it makes you do the exact opposite of what your heart and your gut want to do! But, I know it's good advice, and my therapist agreed. So far, it appears to be somewhat effective, both with her but more importantly, FOR ME. The part I'm struggling with the most is not asking where she's going or with who. Especially this past week, when twice she went out with friends and didn't return until 3am, which neither of us has done in our 11 years of marriage. Now that was excruciating, but I was able to stick with it, didn't text or call, or wait up. I'll chalk that up as a win for me!
So, I was wondering, could you give me some advice on what worked best for you? And during the false starts, what do you think turned her away again... was it you screwing up and pushing her away somehow, or just her fear of trusting you again? There's just a lot of information and I'm having trouble finding a balance between giving her space and acting like nothing bothers me, and appearing like I don't give a crap anymore. I often times find I kinda feel like I just seem withdrawn, or just quiet. I need a way to appear to be digging my way back to the surface again without her, but without coming across as a jerk. I just don't want to end up pushing her further away by seeming cold and distant as opposed to confident and positive.
Re: Words from a man who's wife returned...
#2766255 10/23/1710:43 PM10/23/1710:43 PM
Well done on your personal growth and for achieving what many here strive to achieve. To save themselves and to save their M.
When piecing, did ye have assistance/ guidance?
Is she not capable of meeting your needs or not actively trying?
There is a poster in newcomers who had her H come back two years ago but she is struggling to relove him. Her name is bluwave (may be spealt differently). Her threads could be interesting to you. Though two big differences are worth noting. 1. She didn't do self growth when separated 2. You love your spouse whereas she is struggling to.
Thanks for coming back. I hope you find the support and answers that you seek.
R 22 years M 11 years S8 & S10 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thank you for sharing this perspective- my husband leaves - I stay. Maybe in this journey I will find something that will stay with me, be it him or a stronger me.
I work hard at things and I have wondered what happens when one person changes and the other doesn’t. I wonder sometimes if staying stuck is a control strategy, or something more tender like fear or shame.
How do motivate someone to look at themselves when they are intent on staying stuck?
Re: Words from a man who's wife returned...
#2782440 03/22/1803:22 AM03/22/1803:22 AM
You do not. DO NOT! Any meddling will be considered an interference and will be looked upon with disgust and anger. The only way is for them to see the consequences of their actions, and hit bottom, but they have to do it by themselves...