Well, he's all over the map. Last night I pointed out son has finals in two weeks and asked if he could wait until afterwards. He wrote and said wait as long as you need. This morning he wants to tell them tonight and be out in 2 weeks, during son's first finals of high school. So selfish.
He is back to agreeing to wait until after the exams IF I take care of the papers today. He has asked me 3 times to do it today. Clearly he is thirsty for OW. I imagine he needs to not be living with his wife for this charming gal. And I know he wants me not to think about any of it.
I have not answered. And advice on how to? He is delusional and thinks this is going to be sown up yesterday. Still has no clue that I intend to talk to my own lawyer.
And KML - I have no idea as he locks his door 24/7. So I need to call the accountant and ask for copies of the last two years worth. The problem is he is super sneaky with money. Like I know he had swapped out a significant amount of cash for gold a while back. I think he's been preparing for this for some time.
Today he told me I am lucky he is giving me more that half. I am not sure I believe this as I believe he could hide assets. And he told he's using a fair lawyer. And now he's squeezing me to sign or he tells the kids sooner. And I have it all on text. His birthday is in a few weeks and something tells me he has plans.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Seems like yours is rushing and mine is slowing things down. The common theme for all is they want it on their timing but it doesn’t have to work that way. You too can make this go as fast or as slow as you want. If you want to be friendly about it just say that this is a significant matter and that you need time to consult a L and think through all of the issues. Don’t let him rush you or push you into something you don’t want. Ask him to put together copies of all financial documents for you and your L to review. If you want to be unfriendly...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Oh gosh, so sorry it has come to this HaWho. I know we were all hoping the sitch would turn out differently for you and your family. Though I can't help but think that you and your boys are deserving of so much more. You've built a solid life even in the midst of the craziness. With him gone and you free from your marriage contract, I predict that your strength and grace will continue to propel the 3 of your forward while your MLCer will remain stuck.
Regarding finances.... Stay on top of this. I pray pray pray pray that he isn't as sneaky as you're predicting because it just makes the ordeal so much more convoluted. The money my ex siphoned was in the 6 figure range and more things get uncovered about every 10 days. I dont wish this experience on anyone. Hopefully your mlcer has been too loopy to be this crafty.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
You've been at this a long time and you know exactly what I'm going to say and my comments are all in agreement w/the other posters.
1. Separate the finances asap. Take half out of the accounts and move the money to an account in your name only.
2. Change any passwords that you have to your accounts that he may have the authority to see and/or use.
3. Check your credit report.
4. Keep a close eye on your credit cards and you may even want to think about getting a new card in your name and/or finding a way to remove his from your cards.
5. Make copies of all financial records and keep them in a safe place, preferably a friend's place for the time being.
6. File separately this year.
7. Be sure to call around for a good lawyer.
8. Do an electronic search on line to see what your state says about support, etc.
9. Once he leaves, separate phone plans, utilities, etc.
10. Make sure you are there the day he moves out. You don't want him helping himself to things that you and your sons may need w/o asking.
He definitely has something going on and his replay behavior is going to take off like a rocket once he's gone. The euphoria of thinking he's got his own place and he's free to do whatever he wants w/o "mom" watching and making comments is just going to send him over the moon w/happiness for a while...but he's going to discover later on that life still comes w/responsibilities.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think you and all are right. I think he's going to hit replay hard this time. He is acting COMPLETELY crazy. He is badgering me to go sign that I agree to start the process and that I acknowledge his discourse of assets. He's all over me. I told him not today. He said he's going to serve me on Wednesday. He is on fire. Then after hen pecking me to death he said the lawyer called and the papers aren't even ready.
He says the papers are to acknowledge assets and start the process. Does this mean I agree to his assets? He says no. Is this just a typical first step? Do I see a lawyer even before this? He said if I don't go and sign he'll serve me and it'll embarrass me. I am in meetings all day today and just beginning with thinking about lawyers.
He is funny. He told me he is being generous giving me 50% but that is what I am legally entitied to! I already read that. And I am probably entitled to more as I was a stay at home mom for so long. Oh, and then he said he is going to let me keep my jewelry. I already saw that those are legally mine, too, as they were gifts.
And yes, he does want to use the same lawyer and he's squeezing me so hard to sign. He is on a bullet train. It is scary to watch.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
OMG! He is all over the darn place. The stinking odors from the dorm room have finally gotten to him.
I've never heard of reviewing an asset division before papers have been prepared, reviewed and negotiated, but I guess it depends up on where you are living. You can do all of the reviewing you want, just don't agree to anything until a lawyer has looked them over. Do not let him know that you know what you are entitled to and what your rights are. Let him spill his guts and then you will have a good idea where his head is at. Also, make sure you get your share of his retirement, any 401K Accounts, CD's, etc. You have several choices on how those funds can come to you: lump sum at the time of the divorce, over a period of time, or when he retires. You can roll the money up into an IRA for your future.
Be sure you get what your children are entitled to as well. You will need to determine who will claim the boys on their taxes this year and in future years.
Anything you brought into the marriage (prior to saying I do) is yours, as well as any gifts that were made directly to you too.
Do not allow this crazy man to bully you into signing something you aren't ready to sign.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
HaWho - Absolutely get your own lawyer. I don't know about your jurisdiction but here for a separation agreement to be binding each party needs to have independent legal representation.
It's a bit sneaky but you may want to consider getting a credit report done on him as well to keep under your hat.
One thing to think about as well is custody schedules etc plus the boy's futures. It's not a given but having it in the agreement about college and related expenses would be a good bit of foresight.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Do not sign ANYTHING without having your own attorney review it. And no, you don't use the same lawyer. If you had no assets and no children and no alimony, maybe then you could use one attorney. But not when you have property and kids to divide.
Make it clear to him that you are totally willing and not dragging your feet, but that you will not sign anything without reviewing it with your attorney first "just to make sure everything is right". Stick to that boundary. You can sign that you received papers to avoid the hassle of being served but nothing more. The
I don't post much anymore here about my situation, but still read and follow others religiously. You HaWho are doing a fantastic job! My BD was right around the same time as your first one, but my H left shortly thereafter...then filed for divorce in late 2015. We are still not divorced!
I was not a good DBer in terms of my saving my marriage. I begged, tried to reason with him ad nauseum and spied on him way way too much the first few years. But the one thing I think I did right was take my time. He wanted the divorce and wanted to rush it. I didn't, so I took my time. You seem to already know this, but please don't agree to anything you don't want out of confusion or fear. The entire divorce process is exhausting.
I was served through certified mail (not sure if it's different in your area) but your H threatening embarrassment through being served seems to me to be a scare tactic.
My H threatened court for custody issues...but I kept waiting and pushing, not agreeing, but countering and we finally ended up with an agreement I can live with without court.
It seems like you have already done some homework, so my only advice is don't listen to your H and act on your own timeline. In my experience nothing happens quickly in the legal system without mutual consent.
FYI...I also got the line "we should use the same lawyer...it'll be cheaper and quicker". I think that's standard script. We both have our own lawyers now. It's not cheaper, but I feel much safer for me and my kids.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
