Should i leave the house or stay?

[peacetoday]

Part of the MLC dilemma is getting a lot of mixed messages
confusing as it is

the MLCer is confused
maybe in their mind they sway back and forth
they keep us on a hook

continue to do your life
work on you
seek therapy and support
It takes time-patience-pain-grieving
The M as you knew it is over for now-
It may ignite again but it will be different
take care of you-learn to detach let her go
be cordial kind friendly and do your life

You will know what to do when the time comes to do something
right now-accept the limbo state of it all and each day you will be closer to full healing and letting go

[Neutral]

I get what you are all saying (and i have read the detachment article Job) but...

the thing is this: About 2 months ago i would have done ANYTHING for her to tell me what she has told me now, that she wants to get back together with me.

So i kinda feel like what if this is my last shot at getting back together with her? It is possible that if i "push her" away now (i know technically it's not pushing away when you detach correctly but it feels like it to her nevertheless) she will look elsewhere for love and attention.

I guess i already know the answer and i am just not ready to admit it

I know that there is no going back to how things were, too much has happened and has been said for that.

I also know that we are both not ready yet for a NEW relationship, since she isn't baked yet and i am not where i want to be yet as well but...here we are?

Since she is still very emotionally driven right now she will not understand what i am saying so i suppose there really isn't anything more i can do beyond what i already do.

It just drives me nuts that she has been somewhat "stable" in her behavior for a while now (about a week) which hasn't happened in a long time, since before it used to be opposite day EVERY DAY!

Ok rant over i guess

[peacetoday]

alanon is a 12 step program usually or wives/parents of alcoholics
But it teaches detachment just like DB
It is free and in most areas
It might be worth checking out to learn more about detachment and taking care of oneself

I never got to that place of XH wanting to try again..so I have no experience there..
hopefully Job and others can guide you

I think different strategies work for each situation
so Its hard to know without trial and error what will help/hurt your situation most
One DB coach once told me:
If the strategy brings spouse closer keep using it'
If it pushes them away try a different one

there is also tough love, written by a pastor..I think
although this one is usually not recommended on DB and I don't know enough about it to comment

hang in there
but Ive heard it can also work-

[job]

Actually, the one homework assignment that I wanted you to go back and re-read is the one that Zeus posted. It is at the very bottom of the homework page. I'm reposting the link here so that others may read it as well. It's an interesting thread and one that many of us have encountered in the way of positive signs and we have thought that they were waking up or having second thoughts.

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!

[Neutral]

Thanks job, i read it and it's incredibly insightful.

That said, i need HELP guys!!! I screwed up in a gargantuan way i'm afraid!!!

As i mentioned before, during the last couple days she has been increasingly trying to show affection (or what she thinks is affection i guess) by trying to hug me and making a comment here and there about our family and she basically implicitly said that she'd want to give it another shot BUT she has never explicitly said so or showed TRUE regret for what happened!

Anyway, whenever she came around to hug me or touch me i sort of played along kinda but i tried to do it as a FRIEND since i was getting along pretty well with detachment! In practical terms this has been extremely AWKWARD since she wanted more but i had to fend her hugs off somehow without insulting her, talk about walking a tightrope, but TODAY it all blew up in my face!!!

She came to hug me while i was standing in the kitchen doing some work and she wouldn't let go, i was obviously uncomfortable because it is screwing with my detachment so i kind of took her hand off of me. She then reacted and said " You know, maybe i should get a cat since i really don't know what to do with my affection" (since i don't show her any back at all) and i don't know WHAT hit me but i said "Maybe you should get a boyfriend instead"

I regretted saying that instantly!!! Not sure why those words came out of my mouth, i now suppose it's because inside, i just want things to MOVE ALONG since i am still not sure whether there is a OM and i feel like she probably HAS to walk through an affair to maybe realize what she really wants?

This sounds somewhat insane but with all that i've read that does seem to be pretty much par for the course right?

Anyway, she was shocked, and went into full combat mode as she stormed away and said "Fine then, i will! But don't complain then if i bring him into the house!" UGH i totally regret that slip of the tongue but now the damage is DONE!!!

What have i done? I feel like i said this out of either self destructive reasons since i am so fed up with the whole situation or to move things along QUICKER so we could maybe get out on the other side and have a TRUE shot at a new marriage/relationship???

I really feel like crap right now and i went back to apologize but obviously she wouldn't have any of it.

So then the "discussion" we had was totally out of control and it felt like there was no communication at ALL between us, plenty of misunderstandings and whatnot, and it ended up with her somehow giving me an ultimatum that i should tell her by tomorrow whether she should still keep our R "on hold" so that we may have a chance yet OR that she should start looking for a BF!!

I mean... What the hell am i supposed to say to that?

She ALWAYS wants a YES/NO answer and won't accept shades of grey, the thing is she doesn't even start to realize HOW far away all this is from the core message that i want her to understand.

An affair? Divorce? All that doesn't MATTER, what matters is that she gets through this and figures out who she is and what she wants and then become that person (who then may or may not want a new R with me).

So now MY dilemma is this:

After this whole mess, she will still want an answer tomorrow. And it HAS to be on HER terms not mine, problem is i don't even know what I truly want right now. I mean, i get that i have to focus on myself and our son and i was doing pretty decent even (i think at least) but at the same time i don't want to COMPLETELY push her away as i still have SOME hope left buried deep inside me (behind that emotional wall i built to detach myself from her) that the loving, caring individual i fell in love with will come out in SOME form again on the other side of this MLC some day and that a renewed me would have a shot at another R with her!

I feel like if i tell her to keep up hope for a R i am not treating her in a fair way since i will HAVE to keep detachment up but she will not understand that right now.

On the other hand if i tell her it's over and that she should look for a new BF then she probably WILL and it's ME that has driven her that far without even wanting it, how twisted

I feel powerless right now. How stupid can i be? Why did i say that? I lost control for a brief moment and look at this mess now

[Neutral]

Quick update:

So things have calmed down a LITTLE, we talked a little about it and she has calmed down quite a bit now. I must have REALLY hurt her with that comment so she overreacted.

We now somewhat agreed to go back to where we were in the days and weeks before, which was her doing her thing basically and me trying to be the best i can be, as respectful and supporting of her as possible given the circumstances while still being detached (although probably not as much as i SHOULD be but it's hard since TOTAL detachment is something she can't take i guess and i don't want to totally close the door).

The thing is, i KNOW that everyone here says that the WAS has made her choice long ago and that she doesn't want ME but is just scared of the consequences of me leaving, meaning her losing the comfort and safety and all the other social implications.

I guess i just need more patience in the end so that i don't blow up like i did before with that comment anymore. I CAN'T lose my cool like that, it's extremely unhealthy for everyone involved!

I need to stick to the plan and give it time and keep standing, it's just so so hard since i have always been someone that wants to "resolve" situations so i can feel safe again, and in this case the quickest way to do that would probably be divorce/separation but maybe that is not the wisest course of action. She even said herself earlier that that is something she does not want.

It all comes down to whether i want to keep standing or give up i suppose, that is the REAL question i need to ask myself!!!!

I don't have an answer yet. Sorry for the panic post earlier guys!!! I am confused lol

[peacetoday]

N

I know its hard
we walk on eggshells wanting an answer but it does take time and patience

If a person is sincere in wanting to reconcile, they would be willing to do counseling and let go of their partying, playmates and grow up
but for the person truly in MLC I think the force is greater to play in replay for a while..they cant stop themselves
time will tell

And your choice to stay and watch to see where it goes

many of us have done just that and with no regrets
standing is valuable espeacilly for a time
its gives everyone time t adjust grieve and work on us
we know we did everything we could to help our spouse and save our M
You will get more clues in the days and weeks to come
remember to take care of you

[Kyh]

Hi N,

Reading through your posts and it’s late but I wanted to tell you not to beat yourself up about the slip. It happened(s) to me and probably everyone here. If you haven’t picked up on the STFU smoothies yet I’m sure you’ll come across it mentioned in others’ posts. It’s hard not to respond when caught up in the situation but as you pick up tools and work on yourself it becomes much easier to react and not respond. Especially if/when the MLCr is pulling strings or setting you up to fail. Don’t argue w/MLCr, they will bring you to their level and nothing productive will come from it.

I know it’s bad but keep your focus on yourself and S. Take care!

[Neutral]

Thanks a lot guys, this really kinda lifts my spirits a little...

Meanwhile, we have talked about the situation a bit in a somewhat calm manner and when she hugged me again today, she even noticed that i felt somewhat uncomfortable so she said "i know you don't really want this but tough luck, i am violating your boundaries" and she said it kinda jokingly, in a "i will hug you even if you don't want it" kinda way but then i just gave her a stern look and said "Exactly, you're not respecting my boundaries, and if this is to work we need to both learn how to respect each other". She turned away and got kind of sad/reflective so i can tell this got through to her at least partly.

I think she got that it's not about the hugging, i can deal with that, i just want it crystal clear that there CANNOT be more between us at this point in time, we are both not ready for it and yet we both don't seem to want to end it, so here we are!

[Surv1ve]

Ugh, I am so grossed out by her "joking" about violating your boundaries. Not even remotely funny. She wants to be able to do whatever whenever and however. She knows an R is not about being able to string you like a puppet. She has been very hurtful and if she truly wants to work on the R, she will make amends and not expect you to just respond to her string pulling.

And, OUCH! Honestly, at this far in to BD, if my H had offered me our relationship back (carrot or no carrot, false offer or not), I would have danced through blazing fires if he asked me to. You are freakin' rockin it.