New LBS dealing with WW Part 2

[Joe2017]

j1234: I think you're right. She has been contacting me regularly during NC and I have only responded about money via email. She then tried to get me to call her. I did not take the bait. She then sent me an email tirade saying that we have put space between us, and accused me of forcing her to live in the marital home. Just more gaslighting.

I return to the house next week and I am dreading it. I will have to apply all of the learning I've done over the past 3 weeks at the same time. I have to only talk about business and ignore the rest.

I would love to be able to kick her out but I can't.

Healing has been hard. I haven't had enough time. It is a difficult problem for me.

[sandi2]

She already filed because I scared her during an argument one day. It was an impulsive move but now she is sticking to it.

I have nothing to lose by having this discussion with her.

Maybe you can't see it, but it seems you are using this as an excuse to have a relationship talk. That's what it will wind up being....a R talk. And why should the decision be left to her? What's wrong with your decision button?

If you can't take it any longer, then why go back to staying under the same roof? There is nothing complicated about this stuff. You LBH's are the ones that make it complicated. If you had dropped her the minute this all started....it would be resolved by now. But since you didn't, it has become more problematic.

It is really boggling to me. If she doesn't want me in her life, she should stop contacting me.

B/c that's not how WW's operate. And guess what else? Even if she divorces you and M OM, she'll probably still try to keep you attached to her. Not b/c she loves you, but b/c she wants the control.

If you guys would just realize how powerful dumping the WW can be, you would stop playing her games and do it. The power is given to the one who walks away. She would be chasing you down the street, trying to get you back! But you'd have to be Fonzie cool about it, and not a jackass. If you hash and rehash how she wants to go forward.....and you are "reminding" her how you don't want a D, and all the reasons to save the M, etc.......the effectiveness is lost. Know what I mean?

This woman is putting you through the wringer, and you are going home to ask her what she wants to do. She doesn't know what she wants! So, I suggest you don't ask her, but rather get a new plan of action.....b/c this isn't going to work in your favor.

[Morbo]

THIS

This woman is putting you through the wringer, and you are going home to ask her what she wants to do. She doesn't know what she wants!

This is my wife. She's moved out and is having at least a EA if not PA and still doesnt know what she wants. Was stringing me along for a year and I was thinking there was a chance but she just wanted that power over me. Cruel to the extreme..
One you realize that YOUR WIFE IS LONGER THAT SWEET WOMAN YOU MARRIED
the clearer things become.

I've pretty much dumped my W in the last few weeks, gone total NC/dark and have openly discussed divorce with her and things are changing now. It feels good to get my balls back lol I'm trying to be Fonzie about it mostly but I can be a bit mean and cutting. I'm trying to work on that, its getting easier
although she's really fighting me right now. Its kinda scary what she has become.

NO ONE should have this much power over you. Women have us scared and wondering what to do as she controls us like a puppet-master.
Get your mojo back bro. You the man!

[Joe2017]

Sandi: I know you're right. If I had just said screw it from the beginning I'd be much better off.

I have only been in this process for five weeks now. I started DB at about 2 weeks. I slipped a couple times and set myself back, but I've been pretty steadfast for the past 2.5 weeks with no mistakes. I have been 99% NC during those 2.5 weeks. I am only responding to money and kid related topics via impersonal fact-based emails. It is driving her bonkers and she won't leave me alone for more than a day.

The problem is I have to go back to the home per my attorney. I also think I can show more control of the situation by being in my own home sleeping in my own bed and responding in person in the most DB way possible. I am still moving forward with the divorce, no silly games on my end.

Sandi, do you think I should return to my home? If it is the wrong thing to do I will tell my lawyer that I feel it is best not to be there and find out a way for me to stay out of the house. From the WW's perspective, does it show weakness walking away from the marital home? I have told her to get the hell out of the house but she won't.

She has 100% relented to me taking the MBR to myself. What is the best way to get her to leave?

I know it is NOT a good idea to tell her to go live with OM, but that's what makes sense. I don't know how to get her out of my house.

Thanks EVERYONE for slapping my wrist before I do something stupid.

[Joe2017]

12345: You are right, she is not the same person right now. Might never get her back either.

I have seen a side of her that is beyond comprehension. It is almost like mental illness.

[Vanilla]

It's nothing to do with what she wants. She has scrambled eggs for brains.

She just doesn't want to lose out on resources.

And whilst you concentrate on her, and not on you then you will go round in circles.

Detach. Observe, let go.

Do not leave the MBR, do not leave your home.

I made that mistake and I owned both. I left for peace and to be safe and it took me a year to get back in and I lost respect and ground. WH played wayward in the MBR and the FHM. And I paid for him to do it, I funded it.

The courts also tend to leave status quo so it can be expensive. The wayward must pay the price. She isn't a princess to be pampered.

It's not just a female game, it's a wayward game.

Start concentrating on you and what you want as if she was just a friendly neighbour.

And cards, chest close in any order.

V

[Jim1234]

I've been pretty steadfast for the past 2.5 weeks with no mistakes.

You are going to make mistakes; just don't beat yourself up over them. You didn't get to D because of one mistake, and you won't kill your chances for reconciliation by one mistake, either.

[trbuste]

12345: You are right, she is not the same person right now. Might never get her back either.

I have seen a side of her that is beyond comprehension. It is almost like mental illness.

I recognise this.

[Joe2017]

WW already filed and I got served.

So, what I need to do is just continue DB/LRT/GAL and do the divorce. Ignore the WW and have my attorney to get the divorce over with quickly. I should let her know I'm not playing games, and I want this done fast.

It's pretty much a done deal at this point anyways, right? I should just cut my losses and move on.

[sandi2]

If you guys would just realize how powerful dumping the WW can be, you would stop playing her games and do it. The power is given to the one who walks away.

This does not have to mean you go run to file D papers. It may come to that point, but if it does....it should be b/c you've decided it's what you want. What I was talking about in my previous post and the quote above, can be done with attitude and behavior. Divorce papers are simply that.....papers. It is not going to make any automatic difference in how you feel or act, just b/c you have papers. That all has to come from within you.

Now, you tell me what picture comes to mind when you think of how dumping her looks? If your only answer is getting a divorce, then you need to learn something about women.....especially a WW. Get your body out of that house and GAL like crazy. Give her no details. As long as someone can reach you in case of an emergency, that's all that is necessary. You don't discuss what, where, when or who with her. Understand? Mystery draws the WW and it helps distract her focus on other wayward issues. But it is not all for her, it's for you, most of all.

Listen closely. A WW thinks she no longer wants you for the man in her life. However, she doesn't want anyone else to have him. She does not want to be replaced by another woman in his life! Am I telling you to make her jealous by flirting or dating other women? No, I'm not. I'm telling you to GAL b/c that is the one thing that will bring back your old confidence and help you to think in a more balanced manner. It helps to distract your every thought on your WW. It also makes you much more of an interesting man! Not only in the eyes of others, or even in your own eyes.....but also the eyes of your WW. The fact that she may wonder what is distracting your time, interest and energy.....is just a plus benefit. Women are jealous of their man, and curious by nature. That's why so many questions. Your W won't tell you, but I will.

Naturally, her first thoughts will wonder if you've met some OW. Why wouldn't she think so, when her mind is on her own wayward sh't? Let her think whatever, you don't have time to discuss nonsense. You are having too good of a time, enjoying whatever the heck you want to do without having to consider her feelings. At least, that's the perception she'll have. Now, in your logical brain, this makes no sense.....right? Guess what? She's not logical. A WW has a jealous need for control, she doesn't want to give up. And I'll add another part to this mess.....which is the fact that you gave her that control. Therefore, she wants to tell you everything to do and not do .....even if she doesn't want you for a H. Most wives want to know nearly every move you make and the surrounding details. That's what women do! But, add waywardness to her, and it increases a hundredfold.

Therefore, your plan of action needs to be an attitude and behavior that screams LRT. The last resort technique is not getting a divorce! You stop trying to please this woman. You stop working on the MR. Shocker, right? Well, just stop it. Why? B/c you act like a man without b@lls when you are bending over backwards trying to convince her your M is worth saving. What she needs to see is a man she is putting out on the market, and will be free for the taking. She needs to see a MAN worth saving. How many years has it been since she saw that young hotshot guy full of confidence? Yeah, that guy, that's who she wanted, remember? What happened? And, don't give me that "I got married", cr@p. You changed yourself! You buckled down to whatever she wanted, didn't you? You became a female version of your old self. You think the way to solve the problem is having more R talks with her. Straight women don't want a female spouse, they want a man who has b@lls. Oh sure, she'll act as if she doesn't like it when you show them.....but she loves b@lls. Why do you think she took yours and keeps them in her purse?

Now, you have got to find that manly man you use to be.......and you find him without her help or approval. Her approval doesn't matter to you finding your manhood again. You didn't need her to become that guy in the first place, so I'm sure you'll figure out how to do it again. And, may I add......it surely doesn't take another woman to help you find him. At least, I hope it doesn't. Doesn't hurt a guy to hear a compliment from a pretty lady, or see one that is checking him out. It helps the bruised ego. But, you are too vulnerable to act on anything from another woman, right now. Oh, and FWIW, don't feel as if you need to explain everything I've told you with your WW, including how you won't look at another skirt unless you are officially divorced. She is wayward, let her think whatever about you. LBH's explain way too much!

Have you read all the WW threads? Are you following the suggestions on the first page of the first thread? You cannot become the attractive male who excites her, unless you can enforce tough love. Being military, I would think you could appreciate how that works in gaining respect. When a woman becomes your W, a funny little thing happens. You see, God had this sense of humor........well, never mind. Woman was designed to where her desire was tied to her respect for her H. You see, God had this plan that man should.........well, never mind. Anyway, if the wife loses respect for her H.....she loses her desire for him. All the attraction, chemistry, interest, loving feelings.....everything goes down the drain. And, it's replaced with some nasty, negative feelings. She may say she feels dead, but she is referring to positive emotions for you. She feels plenty, but it's not good. So, why would she want to listen or follow a man she doesn't respect? Why should she stay in a dead MR where she feels like she her life is going to waste and she's missing out on true happiness.....somewhere out there. The special ingredient that is missing, is her lack of respect. She's got to see you as a MAN, and respect you as you as a man, before she'll emotionally accept you into her heart and respect you as her H. Understand? It happened once, it can happen again. One thing in your favor, you have a history together. So, don't give up just yet.

Okay, so all you have to do now is to let her watch from the sidelines. You don't have to be a big fake. For goodness sake, be real, or you'll get nowhere. You don't have to try to get her to see or know what you are doing. Trust me on that on that one, okay? Women know when you are dumping them, even without the formal paperwork. When Brad Pitt fell for Angelina, Jennifer Aniston said that she knew, before Brad dumped her. She said he was "gone" from the moment he met Angelina. Again, not trying to get you involved with another woman, just making a point that your W will know when you emotionally dump her. And if you want to add salt to it.....be somewhat of a charming bloke about it. That'll kill her. But only if you look like Brad Pitt.

So, what comes after she senses you dumping her? She will try all sorts of emotional temperature checks to assure herself she can still manipulate your feelings or actions. When that doesn't work (and it will take several times), she will realize what she's lost.....and that it is probably too late to change your mind. After that drives homes to the pit of her heart, she'll begin to give a hard, unselfish, look at herself. She'll have to take ownership of how she tore the M apart, how she selfishly discarded something precious to seek something that was shallow and destructive to those she loves and to herself. She has to stop blaming her H for any of it. When she is broken.....then she can go to him. She may have to find him, but she can. She needs to humbly apologize, even if it's the hardest thing she's ever done. He didn't deserve what she's done and she feels a lot of remorse for it. If he'll give her another chance to work to on the MR, she'll do whatever he says. She knows she loves him, respects him, and wants him. But, it's his decision if he will take a chance on her. She understands if he says it's too late. His part is not to let her off too easily, by letting her back without doing the required work. What I've described in this paragraph is just her emotional breakthrough and how she needs to feel humble and remorseful and approach him to apologize and ask for another chance. The real work comes after this point.

That's pretty much the nutshell version of it. It takes longer than expected to play out, in most cases. So you see, you really do hold more power than you thought. You just have to have the courage to exercise it.

If you want to check it out, I spent the other half of my day writing a long post to Petri. I know, you thought you were the only one, didn't you? Actually, you guys have seen nothing of my long posts. You should have been here in my hay day!