Act Now or Cry Later

[Gordie]

HaWho,

As always, you inspire. As you just checked in on me, I do wonder how you do what you do and if I could possibly do the same? To me, a big difference is your H does not have an OW. I think I was definitely calmer when there was no OM.

I’m glad you are enjoying the season. All the best in your travels!

[HaWho]

Ownit - I think your h communicates through those videos as my h does through music. And I enjoy your updates as well.

Gordie - I agree that other person makes a big difference in our scenarios as does divorce. Remember: my h tried (desperately) to do what your wife has done. He really wanted OW. (It was quite pathetic to watch and I lost a ton of respect for him.) As I told him in no uncertain terms this would lead me to d him, either it scared him or it caused him to bury his relationship with OW. And I would not at all be surprised if he did not in fact have affairs of the very brief kind. I have not snooped for this but if it becomes apparent this may be the deal breaker for me. This would mean he has been lying for quite some time where others are open about this. And as he was always quite honest, this would be in line with his new polar opposite self. He has become quite sneaky where once he was an open book.

Gordie - the other difference is he's never once wanted d or threatened it. He wanted an open marriage. (Yuck!) Had he left I think he would have worked his issues out on OW rather than me. I think this would have spared me a lot of his dysfunction. And if we were d, I definitely would embrace life as such and not still act married. By this I mean we would divide and conquer, not that I'd be running around dating.

So yes, our situations are definitely different. Yours is harder. When I have been at crossroads and struggled to make decisions, I think of a few things: 1) what would I tell my kids to do if they were in my situation? 2) What if my kids knew this whole story and someday asked me about why I made the choices I made and 3) How would I answer to God on this?

One last thing. I made a BIG error in tipping my hand that I am very pro-marriage. In doing so I made my h super comfy. KML warned me not to do this. And she was right. (She is Catholic, too.) Somehow between us we carved out this limbo life. Don't let your wife believe for 1 second that you'll be there forever...

[bttrfly]

{{{{{HaWho}}}}}

Pack for cold sistah, as the winds are brutal here right now. If the wind machine is off it's actually pleasant, but that's a hit or miss.

He does seems to be making glacial progress. I like that you aren't buying into his moods.

Safe travels and happiest of holidays xoxoxo

[job]

Please travel safely. Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas and may the new year be a better one for you and your family.

[Gordie]

HaWho,

Thank you as always. I of course have done the very thing you said I shouldn’t do. She knows I’m pro M and believe D is wrong. She used to believe the same! And now she sincerely asks why I can’t live in an open M? At BD, I even said I’ll always be here for you. So not DB.

Well, she now knows I will D her and that I won’t keep living in this unwanted open M. One thing that you make me think about: when I object to her actions, she does act more like a child who is being scolded. I don’t get it and it does throw me off my game because I have no idea how to respond to someone acting like that.

[bttrfly]

@ Gordie: I would act the way I would behave if my child was acting out after being scolded: firm, solid boundaries.

@ HaWho: it's warmish again here, so ... best to prep with layers I guess? Safest of travels to you and yours xoxoxo

[HaWho]

Thanks Bttrfly - we had some crazy cold weather. Yikes!

Gordie - yes, I too saw a lot of childlike behaviors.

Job - thanks for the holiday wishes. Hope you had a great holiday and I wish you the best in 2018!

Well, it was a different Christmas this year, for sure. H loves Christmas but this year he was not able to prop himself up and I do think he's hit a new low.

He bought me a really thoughtless Christmas gift. I know he bought it last minute and put zero thought into it. It hurt at first until I saw everyone received a last minute generic gift. This is a polar opposite for him as he loves gift giving. Hours before we were to arrive at his best friend's house h still had no gift for his old best buddie! And the friend had painted h a painting. Geez. Awful. I remember in my own depression I struggled with gift giving: it took so much energy and it was so hard to make a decision to buy something.

Anyway, we stayed in a hotel suite and h set my bag up in the other room and said that was my room in front of the kids. S14 asked why didn't we sleep together. H said he is up all night and needs his own room. And yes, he ran the tv much all night long. Last year we slept in the same bed. So things are worse this year.

At times s14 "woke h up" as h was staring into space. I call it zoning out and it's awkward to watch. It is exactly as Jim Conway wrote: awkward silences, staring out windows, etc. I do think he's creeped into withdrawal. He was very, very quiet; eerily so. S14 kept pointing out to h that h seemed so sad. H denied it but he looked so droopy. And the distance between us just felt so very great. He barely speaks to me.

At one point he told us all that he uses his music to vent what he is feeling. That, I knew, but it was good that he recognized it as well.

For me it was a happy Christmas and yet a painful one. I savored every moment of seeing my family and being back on the east coast. But, the night we had dinner with h's best friend and his family was so very, very hard. They married a year before us but I could see this couple was so bonded with each other. They've built a beautiful life. H's best friend is all grown up and it only accentuated how lost my own h is. I know they've had some hard years. But they are two people who are capable of working through things and making their m stronger.

My sister-in-law had pulled out pictures of our wedding. She was telling funny stories about that day. H avoided all eye contact and said nothing. It was hard to see the photos. Never in a million years would I have seen this coming. H took some pictures of the pictures; not sure which ones but probably just ones of himself as he was commenting on how very young he looked. My brother watched him and I think he could tell something was off w/h. I saw h watching me look at the pics. We were happy and he was in love with me. It showed in each and every picture.

At one point we drove by the place where we spent our wedding night. I didn't feel much truth be told. It felt like a different life altogether.

My mother-in-law talked with h for a while. They were in a corner together. H was in a lot of corners by himself. She sought him out and I know she was trying to read the situation. At one point h was not feeling well. My MIL asked what was wrong and he snapped at her: "what's it to you?!?" He's snapped like that at me, too, at times. He then changed the subject but boy was his disdain for her palpable.

In other news, I am going to be traveling for work in a few weeks. I am very excited. It will give me a weekend off from h and some much needed time away by myself.

I wish everyone the best in 2018!

[job]

I am so very sorry that this year he was not able to wear the mask for very long, if at all. Sounds like he was miserable and didn't know how to relate to people being happy. So very sad.

I am glad you were able to enjoy the holidays in spite of your h's behavior. It's difficult at times to deal w/someone who is so very depressed and doesn't know how to dig himself out of it.

As for your MIL, she doesn't get it and most likely will never do so.

I'm sure you will enjoy traveling and being away from the "madness" for a while.

Wishing you and your family a far better year than the one that is ending.

[OwnIt]

HaWho, isn't it strange that while this description sounds quite sad, at the same time it seems to be part of the necessary progress for him so hopefully it is ultimately a good thing.

Selfishly I'm wondering if you are still seeing paranoia? I am still seeing this, as well as the continued quest to "find empathy." I can't figure out if it is legitimate questioning of where he is in life and how he got there, or just further manipulation because I challenged his stoic beliefs as ridiculous.

[Gordie]

HaWho,

I’m glad you were able to enjoy yourself despite the awkwardness. I really don’t know how you have been so patient through all of this. You are amazing. Re MIL, does she have any awareness of the childhood issues and anger he harbors towards her?