Just before my W came downstairs where I was wrapping presents and wanted a hug. I just looked at her and said I can’t do that. I said I can’t keep living like this and she needs to make a choice.
So............now, you'll probably be tested by her not doing much of anything that actually tells you she is taking steps to get a D nor end the A and commit to the M. If you push for an answer, she'll probably say she doesn't know what she wants. But actually, she will try to maintain things as they currently stand. I doubt she took what you said very seriously, and expects you to continue being available to her.....and waiting on the sidelines.
Remember, whenever you make statements of this nature, be prepared to follow through.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2, I am ready to back up these words with actions but TBH I am still figuring what that entails. I don't want to be the one to leave the house but I haven't been able to get her to move out either. She has tried to act like everything is fine. She has tried to give me hugs but I all I say is I can't and walk away. She has also tried to cuddle with me in bed but I just roll over and keep my back to her.
I am unsure how to act without being too cold and angry. I could use some advice in this area. Do I confront her again about a decision at some point or just keep doing my own thing. Trying to figure out what I should be doing at this point. Thank you for sticking with me. I know I haven't been good at what I need to do but I am ready. I do not want to live another year like last year.
Direct and to the point. I love you and I adore you but I will not continue live in an open marriage. We can either work on this together or you can pack up your $hit and get it out of the house.
LH, I do understand what you are saying. I know I will have to put a final ultimatum of either him or us. I know she will not move out of the house so do I just proceed with filing myself. I don't want to the divorce proceedings on my hands. What would be the follow through?
Hi, I only think you should file if you are truly ready to end the marriage yourself. Don't file because you hope it will 'wake her up' or have some effect on her. Do it only because it is the right path for you. You will need to live with and be at peace with that decision. You don't sound ready at this point?
So, she isn't going to leave the house by choice? There are other options. You may choose not to share the MBR for example and move her stuff into another room - letting her know that you aren't willing to share the MBR with her if she is choosing not to be in this relationship.
You may also choose to move out yourself. People tend to advise against this on the forum and sometimes there may be legal considerations to that option. I left the marital home at BD and (in a way) I never regretted that decision - though it left me in a financially precarious situation for a good while.
I think the key question is - given that she is doing what she is doing - what do you want/need to do to look after yourself and your own interests?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto, thank you for taking the time to help me. I believe that ultimately I will be the one to have to move out if and when it comes to that. I am trying to find peace in this decision. There is a major conflict deep down in my soul right now but I do know what path I must follow even though my heart is telling me otherwise. I know I am not ready to file for divorce myself although I do think that I am going to have to head in this direction. I would do it because I do not see a continuation of the current situation as a healthy alternative and not to just get a reaction out of my W.
The funny thing is that if I had moved out right after BD around march, my W would have been fine with it. Financially, moving out is going to be very difficult but the emotional toll right now is costing me more.
May I suggest that instead of telling her, "I can't".......you begin using two other words that are much more effective with a WW. "No thanks" sounds so much stronger than "I can't".
Throughout this entire situation, you have waited on your WW....hoping her actions would change. Have you considered that it is your actions that need to seen in a much stronger light?
Don't offer ultimatums to a WW. They seldom work. Ultimatums are not boundaries. A boundary would be, "I will not stay in a M of three". If she doesn't make an about face immediately, then you proceed to back up your word.....which is not staying in a M of three.
You aren't going to be able to play soft Mr. Nice Guy and have your WW "choose" you over the OM. You are using the same behavior that helped cause this mess....to get you out of it. How much sense does that make? When you get enough, then you won't worry if you appear cold or angry. And, why should you? When a man has a W who is involved with OM, then he should be angry. I can't imagine not being angry and cold. Those are natural feelings. Don't confuse this with the advice of other interactions with your W.
You are wanting her to make decisions that will let you off the hook of doing something that requires you to take action that may be unpleasant. For example, you are still sleeping in the same bed with a woman who desires another man instead of her H.
I think it's best when the H stays in the MBR and the marital home. However, I have been introduced to some WW's who will physically fight the H in order to remain in the bedroom. When that's the case, then the H needs to consider which is more important......physically separating from his WW and gaining perspective and inner strength, or continue to suffer every day he has to be near her. Clearly, a woman like this does not want to be in the same bed so she can be near him. She feels entitled and uses it for manipulative purposes. Same as not leaving the house, she feels entitled to having the best of both worlds....therefore, she won't leave.
What I'm trying to say here is that you have to make some decisions and show some actions, Pew. So far, you have waited on her to make the decisions......and all she has to say is "no", and you are stuck in the same place. You will continue to be stuck, until you start acting like a man who has had enough and start making decisions on what is best for you, instead of hoping she'll make them for you.
I've tried to tell you what works and doesn't work to draw a WW back into the MR. I am trying to help you save your M, believe it or not. She has to see that you will not compromise your integrity just to have her in the same room/house. She has to see that you aren't afraid to dump her. Right now, she has no worries about losing you. The H who has a WW, has to apply tough love to save his M. Strength is the one thing the WW respects. That's why the H is told to do things that show his inner male strength that she can't manipulate. I wonder if you can't separate that type of strength from a man who is angry & cold.
When I was the WW, I thought my H would love me....regardless of how I treated him. Some people in the position of my H would call that unconditional love. I don't think it exists in M.....nor should it, b/c each spouse should be held accountable for their actions and treatment toward the other one. When we can treat a person so badly without any consequences, it does not build our loving feelings....but destroys it. That's just how bad human nature can become when that person's code of decency is messed up.
So, I think you need to come to terms that you will probably be required to do something unpleasant.....even at the risk of being labeled the bad guy. (However, she's already labeled you the bad guy, so nothing new there.)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So, I think you need to come to terms that you will probably be required to do something unpleasant.....even at the risk of being labeled the bad guy.
Pew,
It's time to do the bean thing. Eat lots and lots of beans all day long. At bedtime, hop in your bed and let a nasty one escape under the covers. When your wife starts to get into bed you say, "I'm having some gastrointestinal distress and I think I might mess-up the bed in my sleep tonight." Then, rollover and go to sleep.
