New LBS dealing with WW Part 2

[Surfer]

Joe

You may find texts etc drying up bit with that, so will the abuse. You can make peace when at war so this is good IMHO. Just go with it, stay calm. Be the best you and best dad. Don’t be tempted to chase any contact. Keep it all simple and distant to allow your wars to stop.

Going forward you want to get to being happy in your own space. So do the kids. If you can, things may have a chance of healing, they may not. You may even chose a life without her. All are options. But things certainly won’t improve when you are at war. Either way, after the war subsides you will, hopefully be able to work towards a much better relationship, than the one you have now, going forward.

Life get a heck of a lot better. Keep calm, stable and look after you and the kids. Also, don’t get too absorbed in the crappy feelings. It Christmas, give yourself a break from the hub that is DB’ing and have some fun.

Surfer.

[Vanilla]

The silences are an abuse control tactic too. Pattern changes to make you think she has lost interest in your misery.

Sad to say, the moment you truly let go is the point at which you may see even more rage and bad behaviour. That's because the abuser has lost control of you and your resources. WW won't like it.

At this point it is you and your children that concern me most. I hope you have a wonderful Xmas and that the best present is that your fear is mitigated.

Incidentally you have the insightful and thrives Surfer posting to you. His threads will give you great insight to these dynamics. His journey has elements in my view of your own.

Peace, breathe, fear, anger are all part of this journey. They are normal and absolutely on cue.

V

[Joe2017]

I've said it many times, you are all amazing people. Thank you.

I am on an emotional rollercoaster of my own, I do not need to also be a yoyo at the end of her string. I don't need her abuse. This is so bizzare, it's the first time she has ever been abusive towards me. I'm in shock, disbelief, and I'm totally hurt to my core. I can't believe this happened to me.

I feel it's a 50/50 chance of PA at this point. There isn't much I can do about it though. I haven't looked into her whereabouts or social media. I have kept completely isolated, but really... This has been a very hard 4 days of DBing. My entire world is upside down.

Christmas is upon us and for the first time in half a decade our kids are not together, and we are not together. I hope that it resonates with her and makes an impact... Because for me, it is killing my soul. I'll never be the same after this.

So sad. At least I'm here for my kid. He needs me. And I need him too.

[neffer]

Get the strength from the situation. Keep calm, dont get into your own mind games. Enjoy Xmas with your son.

Merry Xmas

[Joe2017]

You're right about my own mind games. In my mind she is constantly out screwing around with other guys and doing things she'd never do with me. It's maddening. It is driving me insane.

[Vanilla]

Joe
Hard as it seems to hear today on Xmassive day, you will recover and this part is the worst.

And it is absolutely completely and totally expected. Especially at Xmas, the loss will be sharper. That is the awful truth, and sometimes it might get worse. But it's ok, from being where you are to where I am now, it's a long way.

I think the G had 9 OW in total, and it hurts a lot to know that he played away. That doesn't make you any less although it feels like it sometimes.

So in my case what I felt in my mind was true. And so so hurtful too. It's ok it drives you insane, it really is OK. I would be worried for you if it didn't! Why? Because hard as it is to see it that way, it's much more damaging to deny.

Your mind will eventually get tired of it, and you will just write it up in your story.

And it hurts a lot. That's perfectly ok. It's suppose to......

I am sad you are at this point at Xmas but glad you are here.

Big hugs

V

[Joe2017]

Thank you Vanilla. I'm still incredibly heartbroken.

I had a dream last night that we were still together and happy. I am bouncing back and forth from being incredibly sad to being kind of indifferent.

I am GAL as much as possible. I have not broken NC, despite her angry TMs the other day regarding SM posts I've made about my new life I'm making. (NOTHING on SM is about her, nothing). I realize she is baiting me into an argument for negative attention.

If she is over me why is she stalking my SM? If she is really done with me, she'd do all the things people getting divorces do that she HAS NOT done. Instead, she is trying to hold onto me by a string. Like I'm her safety net or something. Except I'm not... She abandoned me. I'll never be there to catch her when she falls ever again.

I'm having a very hard time sticking to NC during this time. I want to reach out and connect with her. I want to have our Christmas together. I want our family whole again.

But I know these things are just a fantasy. I know things are different and will never be the same. I know that all the things I wanted in life have to change now.

But I still FEEL like I want her back, if it ever becomes an option. Unfortunately (luckily?) I know in my mind that her actions speak louder than any words. She filed for D. I want R. She doesn't. End of story for now.

I wish it would stop hurting. I wish she would come around and see how crazy insane she's been for the past couple months.

I wish I wish I wish. Oh well.

Merry Christmas everyone, thanks for being there for me and everyone else on the board.

[Vanilla]

Joe

Of course you are heart broken, it's betrayal of a hurtful kind. There is a little piece of me still broken after 3 and a half years.

Who knows why they do the things they do, the G still stalks me and FB and goes by the house. I gave up long ago trying to work it out, ceased to be worth it in any way. Scrambled eggs for brains.

There does come a day when at the end of it you realise you hadn't thought about it. Then comes a time of whatever......

You are very special, someone so capable of love and care. In many ways that's why you hurt, because you can.

You still 'feel' you want her back, that's not a feeling but a desire. Desires are choices. I suspect what you want is the idea of R in its best way with WW. That will change, when your desire for the best for you is greater than the longing.

At the point when you know the idea would never be reality as things have changed too much. When you detach and let go. Likely there will be a spellbreaker, a small or large incident which wakes you from your dream. Then you will never go back to the dream or idea of the old.

In the meanwhile it's ok.

V

[Joe2017]

So today I woke up and I realized I survived the first real hard challenge: Christmas. She did text me on Christmas about an unrelated topic, which I ignored. I also got a text by proxy from her son regarding gift exchange and my cousin. I had my cousin reply for me without having me in the equation. All in all, yesterday broke me down and left me shattered.

But somehow I am still here. Life goes on, I guess. I am still hoping for R and MC but I am starting to be okay with the idea of being single again.

I am not worthless.

[joejoe1]

Joe,

You are worthy! Worthy of being happy, being loved, feeling love, and enjoying life.

You are not worthless. None of us are.

Your worth exceeds all worldly things!!!!! Onward and forward. Here to 2018.