If it's any consolation I spent the whole day crying. I'm so sorry to hear your husband couldn't just meet you. It sounds like he knows he's guilty and doesn't want to face you. That's so hard though to spend the day before Christmas, and Christmas, without the man that you've spend more than half of your life with. It's kind of strange that he bought you all those nice gifts when there's evidence he's with another woman. It sounds like he cares for you on some level. It's good that he also agreed to help with everything you asked him by text.
So what's next? Will you keep going the way things are now and leave your husband to do his own thing? Or will you file for divorce?
It's such a terrible feeling to feel lost and discarded. I can't imagine a worse feeling than that. I feel the exact same way with my husband. I cried so much today I lost my voice and my eyes are bright pink. Even at church I kept crying. I agree that it's draining to act upbeat when that's not how you feel inside. Sometimes it's impossible.
I noticed that your info at the bottom of your posts says you were separated from your husband in 2009. What happened back then? And how did the reconciliation happen?
I hope you make it through Christmas day and then maybe after the holidays life will seem a bit more normal. Take care. I wish there was a way to know you on facebook or in real life to be of more support!
I hope with all my heart you're feeling better today. I've been where you are, those days of crying non stop are so hard. You feel like your chest is going to squeeze you to death and it's panicky. I do cry now, I've had moments where it feels this way, but it's getting less and less as I realise, I deserve better and It's not my fault my H can't feel or act the way a H should. Yes I probably and did contribute to that but a lot of it he needs to own. He won't because he never admits when he's made a mistake or if he's in the wrong.
H has wronged me. I take this and I use it to prod myself when I feel like I miss him so much. But do I miss him...or do I miss what could have been. I see my counsellor on Wednesday and that should help.
We separated years ago because of his inability to connect and my inability to realise I could have done more to change the marriage from within. We were in a vicious cycle...it imploded. I had an EA for 10 weeks and H lived with another woman for 18 months (or more, I never got the details from him)I believe he had been seeing her months before I asked to separate and met OM. At that time he was still returning to the house on the weekends...he could see my changes and we eventually reconnected. I had long ago stopped asking for him to come back, I showed I was stronger. He knew I wanted the marriage to work...but I stopped asking. And I stopped blaming myself (I was tortured with guilt...remorse? I was so remorseful, ashamed of myself), and began enjoying my life again. And he felt less pressure...he stopped living with his OW and came back to the marriage. But it wasn't fixed, because he wouldn't allow us to talk about what happened. I showed remorse, H didn't. And that ate away at me for far too long.
Our relationship improved so much...but I needed reassurances and I think I pushed H away emotionally and he in turn wouldn't give me what I needed. I wish so badly I had got IC counselling at that time, I believe we wouldn't be here again.
So I take some of the blame, but not all. I can't change how he deals with emotion. How he disconnects. Thats on him. But I love him and miss him and feel so alone even with my wonderful children. I feel anxious, but it's sinking in...this is my reality...I need to embrace this change and make good things happen for me.
My marriage is over. I won't be filing for divorce, Im going to concentrate on me and my children and my life. It's hard but life will improve, just be a different life than the one I've known. It's just bizarre...this love that I feel is so much stronger (it's always been there...I never once stopped loving my H, even when I disconnected from him) now that I know he doesn't want me anymore. I can't believe he doesn't feel it too. I know he still loves me...but it's not strong enough to turn him around. H is a stoic being, he doesn't let his emotions get the better of him. But what I was getting at is...it plays into the DB thing...just a thought for you and your situation. Let H believe you no longer want or need him...he may feel that loss.
Try and have a good day, I know everything feels bleak right now. Time will help and moving forward helps with that too.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
My H bought me some lovely gifts for Christmas...do I text a thank you or wait for him to text me? I gave him a Christmas (handmade) Stocking filled with edible things he likes. Not extravagant but thoughtful. His gifts were thoughtful and extravagant.
Bearing in mind he refused to meet up alone with me Saturday. Which hurt tremendously.
So be the bigger person... a one off text thank you for gifts. Or wait?
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
I don't see DB as letting the other see you don't want them, on the contrary.
It's working on you to become a better partner and the reason for that is wanting a new better R from the stance of being the person only a fool would leave.
Pretending you don't want R is a game, an unpleasant one. Being ok if a new R comes and being ok if it doesn't (detaching from the outcome) is very different. It's strong and positive.
You want R? You want to resolve this? Then I think it has to be work on you to do that. Permanent shift! Permanent.....
That's the most important thing of all.
Not change which can drift back, but shift which drives you forward.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yes maybe I worded that wrongly, but I do believe if you let them feel they are no longer your top priority, it takes the pressure off them and they may begin to relax. That is what I feel Nicole should be doing. Concentrating on herself and her daughter, then maybe she will be able to detach.
And I certainly don't see it as a game. You detach to the point that yes, you may still love them but you know you'll be absolutely fine whether they return or not. You detach so that they know their treatment of you is no longer needed or wanted...
A few months ago I did tell my H I still loved him...it sent him running. Last week I apologised for how our marriage ended, I was and am sorry I hurt him but I couldn't see any other avenue to go down. Maybe if I'd been getting counselling I would have done it better. Anyway, it yet again put him off. It was pursuit in his eyes.
He knows where I stand. How I feel. But I will no longer tell him or engage him in any R conversation at all. But I don't ever get to see him or talk to him. I can't see how he will ever see my changes...how will he see I'm a person only a fool will leave.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
