New LBS dealing with WW Part 2

[Joe2017]

FC,
I'm definitely not stopping GAL. I have made a lot of progress and I don't plan on stopping. I'm planning some events and such for the coming weeks.

Maika,
Thanks for the encouragement and advice. I have gone dark electronically for over 2 weeks, so this will be an extension of that.

[Surfer]

Joe,

Just focus on you and the kids. Forget her rollercoaster ride. If she invites you on it decline. In the same way if she invited you to drink poison. No thanks.

Your goal is to move into a new phase of your life. One where you and the kids are happily away from her rollercoaster. Be calm, be strong, be a man and a dad.
Things you already are. If you get things ‘wrong’ accept it and learn from it but mostly forgive yourself.

You need to get into a phase where you do not yearn for her. Because she is not who you thought she was - if not who she was.she has changed. She may never be that person again for you. Accept it. The more time you spend detaching, the easier it is. It is very difficult in house for obvious reasons but keep up things that work - gym etc. Never engage in an argument, particularly when there are children near.

You will get through this. You need to keep fixed on the future ahead being bright. It will be. You will have the odd moment but less and less as time goes on. And you will be the happy you again.

Many here have lived what you are living. Be strong. You are.

Surfer.

[Joe2017]

Thank you all for your support. I am slowly but surely moving in the right direction. I do not know what will happen in the future but I hope to move on from this as a better version of myself.

[Joe2017]

So WW finds one thing about the kids to send me a TM about each day. She's using it like a loophole. How do I respond to this during a period of NC? It's not anything about their health or safety. It's just stuff about gifts, or random things with kids interjected.

[Holding]

Unless there's an issue you NEED to respond on (like arranging for the care of your kids), ignore it. It sounds like everything she's sending you should be ignored.

[Vanilla]

Joe

Truly this isn't NC. You can be NC but only if you block WW.

Let's just dispell a myth "you can't go NC if you have kids"

This is a fundamental misunderstanding of NC.

NC is about parallel parenting. There are ways of dealing with admin about kids, online calenders, my family wizard.

Having plans, communicating through third parties.

NC is about you and your emotions, about keeping you to you, not trying to discover the other. It is living your life with NC.

It is perfectly possible to be NC with kids. If you are choosing to receive emails or texts then excusing it because you have kids. That is an excuse not a reason.

OK there may be days when a child is ill or needs an emergency pickup. It's rare, it's admin. But NC is NC.

Parallel parenting is doing what you do for your children in your time and the other does the same. It is deciding to go to the play, the game because you want to go. Making plans for you and the kids on your dime. Following exactly what is court ordered and doing the best for your kids.

So saying "I can't do NC, we have kids" is an excuse.

Just saying

V

[Joe2017]

I see. I understand more now, I think. Either way this is temporary.

However... With each passing day, the desire to R becomes less and less. I think that I see my indifference for her on the horizon and it scares the daylights out of me.

Once again I appreciate the insight, V. Thank you.

[sandi2]

I think that I see my indifference for her on the horizon and it scares the daylights out of me.

Why does it scare you?

[Surfer]

Joe,

Apologies if some of this is a little off-piste for you, not fully read your sitch. and I am not sure where you are on the still in the same house thing etc. I think you still are cohabiting.

I wouldn’t worry about what you might feel like in the future. You don’t know. I used to be paralysed by similar thoughts about how x or y would be if we D etc. Bery little of it comes true TBH. The only person that is creating and suffering from that fear is you. Try and do the things that keep your mind away from that stuff. Gym, work, kids, friends etc. Or talk to people that understand and will do exactly that but tell you to try not to overthink right now. Think about that sort of stuff as rollercoaster riding. You need to be the most stable and grounded you can be.

NC with kids is simple. Just don’t respond. If she says she doesn’t know you have read it, both use WhatsApp or something where you can see if a message has been read. The daily text is her temp testing. Right now just leave her to it. Only make contact or respond if it is something relevant and important about the kids. For example, if she says “you haven’t forgotten to pick up ‘kids’ have you?” Respond “no”. Nothing else. If she says “I just wanted to let you know kids enjoyed the cinema today”. Personally I wouldn’t even respond. You have read the message. She should know that. You don’t need to add anything. If she texts with something that is an ‘invitation’ into an argument. Just don’t respond. This is all I do. We also have a gmail calendar we share with kids routines on ‘daddy’s days/mummys’ pickup times etc. Beyond that I don’t get in touch and I pretty much follow the above guidelines.

When I was attached I would text or call her every day. The way your WW is. I was trying to ‘hang on’ - stupidly. She would have loved this, but I eventually realised why do I want to hang on to someone that is abusing me, my love and kindness. No. Just try your best to ‘act like’ she is someone you don’t have attachment to. Eventually you won’t have so much. Don’t worry about that either. You can become closer again, if that works in your favour - I.e. if she snaps out of it (some don’t however).

In short try to get to a place where you feel a bit ‘oh dear, what a shame, must go’ when there is drama or spew over the phone etc and try to get to a place where you really think I couldn’t care, you don’t get to have me when you behave so appallingly. Boundary setting statements are very useful for you at this stage I think.

Keep your chin up - the in house part is tricky. Perhaps the trickiest.

Surfer.

[Joe2017]

Sandi: I think it scares me because I have been so steadfast in my love that it almost feels wrong. As if I'm no better than WW for closing my heart off. I know that seems silly, but I still believe in us and I feel like there is a chance. Maybe I'm just naive.

Surfer: That advice is so solid, I can't thank you enough. What you describe is almost exactly what I've been doing.

She did text me to ask if her son could meet up with my cousin (who is in town for three days) for the holidays. WW's son loves my cousin to death. Unfortunately, WW framed it in a way that gaslighted me.

Instead of responding to the TM, I waited a few hours and sent an 8-word email to her, simply telling her to text my cousin. I did not address any inflammatory or dramatic portions of her text. It was basically "Cousin wants to see your son. Text them."

I just know WW's son has always loved my cousin and they always do something together each year. I didn't want to deprive him on the last year of us being a family.

Other than that, it's been one text each day from her.

Looks like that is changing though. Not a peep from her all day today. Complete radio silence.