Help needed from Far-east.

[anative]

Why are you hugging and kissing her? She's in love with OM.

I kissed her forehead and embraced her like a friend support each other, nothing more. But, I get your point, it won't happen again.

Why are you trying to make her jealous. .

Like I said, before I found this DB web site, I was googling around and found that suggestion. It didn't work for my W, only made thing worse.


Yesterday, everything seemed to be ok. Three of us spent the day as usually. Me with my D or my W with my D. We didn't interact with each other much. Said no more than we have to.

Then at night, my W put on the dress she will wear for the next day. She walked out the closet and asked me and my D for opinion. My daughter and I suggested that she overdressed. She got so mad(at me mostly), undressed, went to sleep.

She texted me "I don't want you to stay here. I'm not happy. Please take all you need and leave." I didn't reply though.

At late night I heard her crying. So, I went in the bedroom and sit with her but we did't have any conversation at all until she stopped crying then I went back to bed. I guess I didn't do pursuing last night, I just want to make sure she didn't do stupid thing to herself.

Tomorrow, we all will go to Hong Kong for 3 day. Time to make my D happy again. However, I will detach as much as I can.

Do I have to be happy(or feel nothing) no matter what my W is feeling(especially sad)?

I just want to make sure I do the right thing next time.
Thank you.

[joejoe1]

Anative,

Happiness is what we want. Joy is what we need. And grace is what we are given. So you need to be happy so you D will be happy. If you walk around miserable you are going make the trip for your D a horrible memory. You are the lighthouse. Strong, steady. Your foundation must be solid. By doing this your D always know where to come, no matter what situation shes in.

[anative]

Hong Kong trip was good. we don't have any disagreement or any fight. My D had a great time, we all did actually. She cried on the first night while she thought I was already sleeping though.

Again, when my daughter is not around,

Do I have to be happy(or feel nothing) no matter what my W is feeling(especially sad)?

Will I be a heartless, careless person and make thing worst, if I ignore her sadness? or this is how it work on this process.

She is not on her phone texting like she used to. I believe OM still hasn't contact her but not 100% sure?

[Anchor]

I think, reading your post a couple of times, you are struggling with the same concept I struggle with, which is loving detachment.

Sorry, am not going to be much help here, but will try, hopefully one of the vets will pick this up. Or shout out to Joejoe again - I remember him having an extremely good take on it. Maybe read his thread from start to finish?

My take on it is that you shouldn't ignore her if she's feeling sad because that would be cruel. You profess to love this woman so if she's suffering, to stand aloof and disinterested would be hurtful to her. But at the same time you don't want to be jumping around her like a puppy and have it look like her mood affects your mood. I would say treat her like a friend, but not a very close friend, at this stage - does that make sense? So don't let her mood get you down, be your best self, show her there's more to your life than her in it, be relaxed and cool and not stressed by what may or may not be happening with her and OM.

There's a lot of advice about how LBHs should treat WWs and I'm not sure what to say about this. It's quite a specific approach.

[Anchor]

I think it would be helpful if you could describe how she's acting sad. Is she moping around, being dejected, quiet etc, or is she actively telling you she's upset?

[anative]

I think it would be helpful if you could describe how she's acting sad. Is she moping around, being dejected, quiet etc, or is she actively telling you she's upset?

She feel sad that OM haven't contacted her no more and she's blaming me for it. She want me to leave the house and go stay at my parent's on the weekdays and come back with my D for the weekend. She doesn't want to see me around. She will give money for me to start any business I want. She also said if I won't leave she will lease our store and be the one who leave.

Her emotions can be up and down anytime. I am not depended on her emotion no more. The only concern for me right now is my daughter as she has no idea what happen to her mother. She asked me why mom is so quite and try to pick a fight with me all the time. Should I leave like she asked to avoid the conflict? or should I stay here and stay calm as long as I can because there are still some good times left too?

[joejoe1]

Anative,

What good times? There are no good times right now. IMHO, you now have to do whats best for you and your daughter.

So if leaving and opening your own business is better, I think you should do that. That woman is not your W. She is wallowing over OM and blaming you for their break up.

You still haven't detached. You need to let your W be and complete her own journey. She needs time and space away from you. You need time and space away from her.

[anative]

If I choose to leave, it will suffer my daughter, she will know that me and my wife has a serious issue. Moreover, my culture is different than what you have in US, ,even we have a new family, we are still not indepentdent as we suppose to. I hope you understand. Both side of our family will want to get a detail of me moving out. Just tell them, we don’t love each other any more is unreasonable and doesn’t make enought sense to them. They will suspicious of the infidelity, which if they knew, things might get worse. May be she won’t be able to want to reconcile anymore because she lose face to the whole family and may be everyone else around too.

Don’t get me wrong. Not that I don’t want to follow your advice. I just want to clarify my situation before I go to the big step.

[Maika]

I come from a cultural background where what you have said would also apply. I understand the challenges in you moving out and what that might signal to the full family and her having to then own up to what she did.

So, in this case, what are some steps that you can take for yourself right now? If moving out might not be the most optimal option, then what can you do?

Can you still start your own business and start living your life while remaining in the same house? A new business is easier to explain to the rest of the family.

I am not a supporter of an in house separation, but in your case with the added cultural context, it might make sense to do that. But, if you decide that route, you have to truly live your life and not give a f#ck what she does. You have to really DB and not look back. But again, this will be a temporary solution and I would put a time limit on it. Ultimately you will have to move out if things don't change and then you might be in a better place to explain to the rest of the family.

So, the question is not what will bring your W back right now. The question is, what are you comfortable with at the moment? She will have to face embarrassment at some point with the family - either it's now or it's later.

The answer should come from what will bring you peace and a better state of mind. Not whether that this decision will affect her or not. Actions have consequences and she needs to feel the impact of those consequences.

Make the decision for you, not what will be easier for her.

[anative]

Thank you Maika. I get the ideas of how I should live my life more and more every time someone reply me. I am getting better everyday now. However, my wife's never let me detached or GAL peacefully. She said, "You can be happy without me, why stay? Why?!?!?!?"

2 days ago, I drove my D to boarding school with my W. On our way back, my W started conversation and made it 3 hrs straight while I was driving. To make a long story short, she blamed me on the same old stories. And, she wants me to leave.

OM told her before he left last time that he will come see her on February to get the answer of which one she choose. She wants a solution on what I will plan to do, so she can plan hers. Right now, OM has stopped contacting her and if OM found out that we are still living together or still don't have any solutions, she may lose OM again for good.

I didn't have the answer for her. I told her, "You never asked me before you have an A, you've never stopped when I asked you to. So, you do whatever you want". Before we got home, she said that she will tell her parent right away that we have a problem and will live separately. She will also tell her parent about her A too if she has to. However, she didn't tell them anything that night. Not yet.

Tomorrow, she will go to Taiwan with her parent for 5 days. I want time to think. I told her I will let her know whatever I decide when she come back. (I want to get some opinions from this board before I make a statement to W.)

The question is; If I'm not leaving, what should I say to W that is not making me needy, pursue or whatever that I'm not supposed to? I will detach, I will GAL and I will stay. (W goes see OM, doesn't make me angry much anymore. Part of me said that I'm enough with this woman. I just really care for my D's feeling if we get separated.) Please help me create the sentence to say to my W.

BTW, W snooped on my phone a couple time, I think she wants to know if I talk to any women to use it against me.