My dear Gordie. Even if OM was out of the picture, that woman has a lot of work to do. She is not well right now, and all her OM are symptoms of something bigger.
I agree w/Ginger concerning your wife and the work she needs to do. The OM may be out of the picture at the moment...but that doesn't mean it's over for them. She will need to go through withdrawal from that addictive euphoria she had w/him and that's hard work. She thinks that you can sweep everything under the rug and things can go back to normal...they can't until her issues are resolved and she's ready to do the hard, necessary work to rebuild her life w/you in a new marriage.
One thing...if you haven't already asked your lawyer this...be sure to ask him/her that if you have relations w/her does that create a problem, hence the clock has to be rewound for the time set for the divorce. If your lawyer says yes, then no relations w/this woman. (If you do opt to have relations, be sure to get yourself checked out because you don't know what little gifts she may have brought home that will keep on giving.)
I hope and pray that you can find a little peace this holiday and some answers will be revealed to you as to where your next chapter in your life's book will take you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am curious what you think a D will accomplish? Not a d@mn thing. Do you think a divorce will liberate and free you in some way? No, it will not... You have to work on yourself, your hurt and feelings and you need time to heal. Lots of time...
Thank you and you are right. The teens are being more outwardly rebellious towards stbx. To me this is obviously about the D but she is in complete denial. I do not bad mouth stbx, but I do voice my values and beliefs: adultery is wrong and M vows are sacred. Re the tax change thank you for your concern but seems like I have 12 months to sign a deal.
Sotto,
That is the right q. What do I need to do to take care of myself and my children? I don’t know and when I think I know then I question myself again. If this was MLC without AP I think I could continue to live together but with OM2 in the picture, I think it is too distressing to me, at least it is right now. My L does talk to her L and all agree stbx is dragging her feet. And agree to not make decisions while upset. I was sorely tempted to engage her this morning but I did not.
Ginger,
You are right. I wish I was more detached so that her activities with OM2 did not bother me as much, but...it still make me nauseous. Dang, I thought I was doing better but feel like I’m back sliding.
Job,
We stopped relations when she started with OM2. That’s a boundary for me that I intend to keep. and yes, wouldn’t want to pickup any STDs. However, it does not affect our D proceedings in my state of both parties want it.
Vapo,
Great q! For me, actual D is closing a page on this chapter of my life. But maybe that’s all in my head and heart. I’ve been waiting for D before moving out and living likre a singe man/single dad. Given her (in)action, all of you will tell me to do that right now, right?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie - The obvious answer to your question is that you have to do what you feel is best for yourself and the kids. I am surprised you've lasted as long as you have all things considered without blowing a gasket.
If I understand the situation correctly your lawyer has advised you that your case would not be hurt in any way by you moving out and that the decision has already been made that your W will be staying in the marital home with the kids.
Do you have segregated banking? If not, get that set up. Find out if you can set limits on her access to marital credit. One of the things that I did that I'm glad that I did was to get a separate line of credit with my bank but left everything else alone. In fact it was only a few weeks ago that I closed the old joint accounts.
I believe you've found an apartment you like. Well - sign the lease.
I think we all agree that she won't drive this bus and perhaps at least at present lacks the adulting skills necessary to move things along.
Theoretically you've got time between now and New Years to get everything put in place for an independent life. The legal stuff may have to wait.
You've known for a while that this day was coming but for reasons that we all perfectly understand have been reluctant to pull the trigger. I think that to save yourself, your sanity and to a degree your kids and your relationship with them, the time has come.
As far as the legal stuff is concerned, you have a draft agreement already essentially. Start abiding by it and I would think that the odds are pretty good that in going to court that the judge would rubber stamp it regardless of any objections from the other party.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You know that my heart breaks for you. This stuff is hard and we cycle. I'm feeling pretty good again so my lapse into petty drama was pretty short-lived. I'm gearing up for the holiday and the guest that D is bringing home from college (just a friend from South America who is displaced from the dorm).
I promise you that when you move out, you will feel better. It will help your detachment and you have lots of time to make your decisions. I personally, in following your story, would rather see you move out than push her divorce (except to the extent you need some financial protection from the spending and traveling that will come--mine is there now). That would give your feelings some time to settle and decide what you want for you.
I'm glad your kids are rebelling. I think it shows strength. I've always loved it when my D is sassy. I see a strong, confident girl, who will stand up to others as she does to me. Your wife's behavior is disgusting. Your older kids see that. You don't need to bad-mouth her, she is taking care of that all by herself and you are just the stable, supportive parent who is there for them in this drama.
I feel like I am the Ghost of Christmas future in a few ways with our sitch, I will tell you what I recall feeling at the time so maybe in a way it can help you.
So looking ahead after you move out and get the D process going one would think there are levels of healing ... to a degree this is true, but before that happens the severity of it all will come at you pretty hard. The nights alone in the apartment without her and the kid(s) at first you have this sense of new and freedom, that fades then the 'this is now my life' seems to creep in. I flip flopped back and forth for some time ... excited to get my life in order and do ME things ... to wishing I was part of the family unit, the marriage the day to day.
As with anything it just takes time and you truly have to let go all control and allow her to her own course as you have a good deal of work to do just to regain your center. I can tell you I never wanted this but looking at the changes I was able to make and the life I am currently cutting out for myself I am at peace and happy ... There was a time I did not think this was possible.
Gordie, I still haven't come back on here full on to catch up on everyone's sitch, but I wanted to say a big Merry Christmas, and that I hope this new year will bring peace, joy and contentment for all of us. I'll be back this next week. I'm going on an "underground" Christmas holiday, something I'm making up this year. More on my post.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Just wanted to pop by and wish you and your family a Merry Christmas and may the new year bring you some answers to your questions and yes, some inner peace along the way.
Merry Christmas!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
