Awkward Situation Got Much Worse (part 4 )

[doodler]

This will push my W to pull her weight and be considerate of me.

There's wishful thinking, and there's wishful thinking. I think this is the latter.

[Ginger1]

So, your coach said the same things we keep saying here......

And the above Doodler posted, he is right. That's an expectation you have. You need to have zero. I wouldn't expect the above to happen at all.

[sandi2]

I am meeting with a coach tomorrow...I will update tomorrow night. 3 separate coaches from the DB program and from another one have advised me not to tell my family.

So, the recommendation is to act as if nothing is wrong and continue the charade? What does the coach think will finally end the affair that has continued for 5 years? Is this the route you want to take?

Frankly, I do not understand your sister and why she continues inviting your W to other occasions. Has your sister told you why?

What are the ages of your children?

[artista]

this is not meant to be a 2x4... this is a message wrapped in barbed wire (as i am rarely the type to deliver a message in cottonballs)... frankly, i am having a hard time believing this is exactly what your coach is advising you... it makes zero sense... i wonder if it's how you are interpreting what your coach is advising you because it allows you to keep things as is--which is one of the worse situations i have come across on these boards...

you will be in this very situation until your wife finishes her graduate program... at that point, if she is ready to get out of this quagmire which is your marriage, she will... if she is content to keep things as is indefinitely, you will be in this same situation for the next two decades... i don't understand why you would want that, but it is clear that you do... you are unwilling to do anything that would bring change to your situation... mis dos centavos--

--artista

[Tate]

Yes, that is exactly what my coach advised...to have my wife attend Christmas gatherings but steer clear of my BIL. The coaches see it as time as a family.

I think the coaches, like me, are tending to err on the side of caution. My W is at the brink of following through with the divorce, and if the coaches see it the same as me, if she does, there is no chance of recovery. The idea is to save our marriage, not end it.

As it stands, I took the coaches advice. We did Christmas celebrations, and I saw my BIL a total of 2 hours and did not interact with him. We are going ice skating today. The rink is opening later than we expected. My kids wanted to go to their cousins (my BIL) house to play. I told my W I am not going over there, but my sister planned it against my advice. I dropped my wife and kids off and am 15 minutes away typing this in the car. I believe this is putting the three of them in a very uncomfortable situation.

I did not say a word to my wife when dropping them off. I simply made sure she had her cell phone to call for a pick up. I will go ice skating because it is time with my kids and their cousins, but it is unlikely I will even see my BIL.

You might say, he11 no, I wouldn't drop my W off at my BIL. But, you see, she will go with or without me. Me refusing to take them would only result in my W taking her own car to every event in tge future.

[doodler]

If nothing else, you certainly provide plenty of fodder to support your wife's position with regard to the marriage.

[LH19]

Tate,

If the farmer drives the fox to the hen house and the fox eats the hens, is that on the fox or the farmer?

Come on man! Why and the h$ll would your sister invite her over? What is wrong with you two? I can guarantee your BIL and W are laughing hysterically behind your back!

According to your signature this has been going on for seven years. Something needs to change!

[joejoe1]

Tate,

Wow!!!!!! This is unreal. I don't won't to be to critical. But, why are you worried about taking her or not. If she takes her car why do you care, if you are taking your W and kids to dropped them off and leave anyway.

Do that explanation sound logical to you. If you standing your ground on your morals lead to D, then it needs to happen. Letting your W and BI go on like this is not healthy for you or your family.

And if she goes with or without you, is that RESPECT? Is that the type of M you want? A W that dont care how she is making you feel.

[artista]

You and your family share an odd dynamic...I am talking about the family you have with your wife and kids, and your family relationship with your sister... And I bet your wife and brother-in-law think so too... And I would not be surprised if they talk about it... It may even be a reason they connected with each other...

It is also odd to me that your coach is advising you to keep the dysfunction as is because she/he is concerned your wife will file for divorce...

I would not be surprised if your brother-in-law and wife end up together when they are good and ready... And your kids can continue to enjoy their relationship with their cousins, which seems to be what is most important to you... They may even become step-siblings... Imagine that...

Every time I come to read the latest in your situation, I hope to find that you have finally turned over a new leaf... I am thinking that will never happen because you don't care to have a new, better relationship with your WW... You simply hope to hold on to your WW and marriage no matter what... Even if the dynamic is not healthy for any one... Including your children...

[Tate]

Trust me, I understand what the consensus is on this forum. I am not trying to do what is easy, but I want desperately to do what is best, no matter how hard.

So why not follow exactly what you all are advising me to do on this forum...two reasons: it is contradictory to what tge coaches are advising, and it often means doing more of the same for my W.

The coaches advise to do everything I can as a family...problem is my W insists on constantly visiting my family. If I do not attend, my W will go anyway. Then, I am doing my own thing...a complaint my W had of me as I historically stayed home often to get work done around the house. My W is more than happy to travel without me...so me excluding myself is exactly what she wants...to be away from me and with our kids. So how does this help me?

I am not trying to pursue my wife, but not pursuing is exactly what she wants.

New case...my W is out of town for final burial of her grandmother. My W and kids want to attend new years party at my other sisters house...my BIL will be there. My Wifes flight will land new years eve, and she wants me to take kids and meet her at the party. If I do not, she will pick the kids up and go anyway, and I spend new years eve without my kids. My W sees this as me not spending time with our family...more of the same, I do not see my kids, and my W is with my BIL anyway. Solution?



To continue...
The coaches advise to be easy to live with, spend time as a family, and do what is reasonable chore and project wise.

Me not attending family events only takes time with my kids away...I cannot stop my W from attending, so then I do not see my kids or my family. My sister is not going to ask her husband to stop attending family events...my BIL says he wants to work on their marriage.

Brainstorming here, but yes, my sister has the most leverage...she can tell her husband, my BIL, to start showing her text and phone records and enforce no communication with my W. I cannot enforce this with my W because she does not care if our marriage continues.

I guess it might have to come fown to my whole family knowing what is going on...then my W will be excluded from my family gatherings. This mass sharing of the affairs goes against everything the DB program and coaches advise...



To answer a couple questions...my kids are 11, 9, 7.

Yes, I am mad my sister keeps inviting my W to her events...I asked her not to, but she continues.