So looking for a reality check. So this whole fighting for her business is bugging me. Once, before b d, we were out with other couples. One of my friends has too much to drink and is flirting with my w (no touching) in front of everyone. She asked me the next day the same thing—why didn’t you fight for me? I said x is a flirt and I didn’t think anything weird was happening. And if something was, did you want me to pick a fight with x? She says never mind and I don’t get it. I look back and wish I would have asked more questions and understood better why she was so agitated.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gord, we are alike...we are lovers not fighters. haha!
They definitely have this fantasy built up somewhere in their mind. It's almost like they are waiting on Mr. Roarke and Tattoo to come out and show them to their bungalows for their fantasy life to begin.
There is nothing wrong with standing and I think that each of us have different ideas of what that means, but first we have to stand up for ourselves. Continue to make progress on us and for us. Like you, I took my vows before God seriously and I assumed that she did too, but somewhere down the line she watched too many Lifetime movies and read too many romance novels and fell off the deep end. (That was an attempt at sarcasm.)
They are sick...not with something that an antibiotic can help. Only time can take care of this one.
Head over to my thread and read my short update of weird. It isn't what you are going thru, but it shows how off base they can be.
Stay strong my brother!
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Gordie - I've done a lot of reading and the "fight for me" is a common theme in some cases.
The explanation that I've read is that it's not about the fighting or the disrespect, it's about them. They are the central figure in their own theatrical production and it's frustrating and annoying to them when we bit part players don't follow their script. Each bit of attention they get validates their opinion that they are important and reinforces their actions.
It's a variation on the theme of distancer / pursuit and the whole idea behind the 180 which upset that dynamic in my opinion.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Yep, this massive confusion is what makes this so different from a spouse who just wants to be done with marriage. I have noticed a lot of MLCers need to feel desired. I noticed with my own h that his ego was bruised over aging. He's always been an attractive man and struggled with not looking 30 anymore.
Anyway, the only thing I might say is something like this: w, let me make sure I understand this. You want me to fight for you, yes? Wait for her to answer. Ask what fighting for her means. (Probably the deep root is she doesn't feel as hot anymore. Like Andrew said she wants everyone pining for her.) And then clarify: so you want me to fight for you while you sleep with another man? Then I would just listen.
The key is to be quiet and detached but look her in the eye. The only reason I would consider saying something is that they do remember the way they were treated. And she very well may remember this conversation and then in hindsight (a year or so from now) see it a touch differently. If you say nothing she may always remember that she believed you didn't "fight" for her.
Then I would calmly say: "I am unclear on what you are doing to fight for me and this marriage." And walk out (of the house) calmly. Don't talk to her for more than 5 minutes. There is no point. Just get your point across and then go do something productive.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
SBJ - Yes, I just don’t get why she is throwing me away and the family away...for this fantasy.
Andrew, I think you are right that she wants to be the center of the drama...and right now she is!
Sotto - Yes, I’m a fool for trying to think I can solve for two contradictory demands!
HaWho - I would like to ask those questions, but as you said, need to do so in a calm and detached manner, which today I cannot do.
Journaling:
So I am spinning today. Very clear evidence of activity with OM2 while I was away at work. I was angry but kept it under control. I just looked at stbx and firmly asked: when are you going to sign the papers? She said she is waiting for her L to make more adjustments.
All the ILY and can we work this out, as all of you have pointed out, they are just empty words of manipulation to keep me on the hook. While she continues her R with OM2, I am the fool asking if I can pretzel myself into her irrational demands.
I spent the evening with the kids and put myself to bed and...couldn’t sleep at all.
Having an issue with one of the teens and I had said that I thought the D was taking a toll on X. She said she asked X about it and the D is not affecting X at all. How can she say D has no affect on the kids?
I am so angry and sad and baffled...beyond words...and just exhausted.
I really don’t want to take her to court but if she refuses to sign, then I may have no choice.
Re the standers who can wait out their spouses affairs..:I thought I may be able to do that, but it is such a violation of my conscience. How do they actually do that? Why not just get the D? I believe a M can heal from infidelity, but maybe not mine.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie - I think that they live in an alternate reality where everyone is happy for them and where there are no consequences for any of their actions. Dissenting voices are not heard, perhaps one of the reasons why my STBX doesn't appear to socialize with any of her old friends.
One bit of warning and perhaps something you can reasonably use as an "ultimatum". I checked and the US tax bill has passed. According to the article I just looked up "Alimony payments, which are codified in divorce agreements and go to the ex-spouse who earns less money, are no longer deductible for the person who writes the checks. This provision will apply to couples who sign divorce or separation paperwork after December 31, 2018"
So - if she doesn't sign in the next 9 days, all prior negotiations are out the window and you start from scratch. Or at least that is a reasonable point you can make.
Has your lawyer talked to her's? What is the actual state of affairs? We know that they lie / manipulate the truth to match whatever reality they may be passing through at that moment.
Stay strong. Team Gordie is here for you. Mind you, some of us will be sipping egg-nog but it is almost Christmas.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm sorry you had such a poor night Gordie. It is always horrible to come across evidence of OP activity - yuck - I've been there too and it is horrible.
However, it also tells you where your W is at right now - ILY, we can work this out - let's make love - fight for me....all whilst OM2 is somewhere in the mix. That's useful (if painful) intel and can put to bed any lingering thoughts of maybe OM2 is on the wane just now - in the longer term, who knows?
My guess is that this dynamic may carry on for a while yet and I think the important thing to ask yourself is this. What do I need to do to look after myself (and our children) in this situation? If you fundamentally accept the situation as it is right now, what is the right path for you to take for yourself?
And my last piece of advice today is not to do anything WRT her whilst you are feeling tired and upset. Restore yourself and find calm - and then decide what you want to do.
Big hugs and we are all here for you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hmmmm - I'd been figuring it was 2017 all along. I just double-checked several sources and yep - it's not in effect for a year. When I copy/pasted I didn't notice the year - one of the reasons I don't put "attention to detail" on my resume
Older sources from early November had a 2017 date but the more recent news articles reference 2018. I specifically re-read the article from the Associated Press from this morning published in the New York Post (annoying sometimes about not being able to post links).
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
