Help needed from Far-east.

[anative]

Wow. Thank you 2016 & joe,
Your responds just came on time. I’m on my way home to talk to W’s dad. I was thinking about hiding (maybe burning) her passport as well. You are right, she has to stop A from her own will. Otherwise, I won’t be able to close my eyes at my sleep.

Reading your comments really change my mind. I won’t stop her no more. She can go all the way. I have nothing more to loss. I will not take a blame for interrupting and not making her happiness again. I will not make any excuse for her go. I will stop wanting her back. Enjoy spending time with my daughter.

Her A won’t be leaked from me, however, I won’t cover it for her either.

[joejoe1]

Great decision. Let her go! And GAL and live your life.

[anative]

I came home that night. Went straight to shower and watched TV.
She asked me "I am booking the ticket to USA, Aren't you gonna say anything?"

I said "I spent 4 hrs on the bus thinking of what to do. I came up with the idea of letting you go then the bus arrived before I can think of anything else. So, I will let you go, then after that I will let you know if anything come up."

Next day, she spent almost 2 hrs tried to find the ticket. Finally, she got it for $2800 from 18th to 26th of December.

At the same night, she went to bed, I was in the living room watching sth funny on Youtube. She came out said that my life seem to be OK w/o her, why am I still want to stick around?

I said, I just live my life just like what you did, I suffered enough already, now it feels great that I let you go. So, please don't worry about me and go to US. After that, she told me that she never want to go but she think it was her false that OM broke up which her and she just want to apologize in person. She asked for my suggestion. I said "I can't answer it for you. You won't get the answer you want to hear from me."

The next morning (15th), we went out of town. she got her hair done, tattoo her eyes brow,painted her nail. After she finished everything, she told me that she wanted to cancel the ticket. ?????????? Then she called the airline and cancel it in front of me. ????? then at night, she asked me to go have dinner at the 54th fl roof top restaurant. Nothing much, just a good time.

Today is 19th, I don't know her real situation with OM. Her emotions is up and down lately. Try to pick a fight sometime. However, She seems lonely and didn't talk much.

[joejoe1]

A native,

Back away and give her some space. But don't go too far. Be there to listen when she is ready to talk. Dont approach her to start any conversation.

She is confused, give her some time and space to clear her head.

[Anchor]

I've realised you are from the same country as me.

I've been away for 16 years now so have become more 'ang moh'ed' but I still will do my best to give you any help as someone who understands the culture from where you are.

First of all, anything Joejoe says, just do. He's managed to turn his sitch around, which is a ringing endorsement and I think has a fantastic handle on loving detachment, which I still can't get right after a solid year on the boards.

Second, treat this as a golden window of opportunity. I realise now, looking back, that my WH was confused for a couple of months. I DB'ed for some of it, but when I experienced BD3 I lost it and lashed out, which tipped him over the edge. This is a very delicate time. No one can promise you an outcome but at least if the worst should happen you can look back knowing you did everything right, which will give you peace. I don't have that peace.

If you haven't read the cheat sheet on validation already, study it now:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Be your best self, and don't stress her out with talk about the A or your R. Let her come to you. Don't be cold while you're GAL, which I struggled with. Define what it means to be your best self - break it down. It doesn't mean being a doormat for her - it means being a healthy, loving, firm man who respects himself and the others round him. All women want a man they can respect - but not fear. This is an opportunity not only for your R, but for you yourself.

[Anchor]

Clarification: I am from the country where you had dinner with your W, the 54th floor. You mentioned this is out of town for you so we may not be compatriots but at least we will be neighbours.

[anative]

Thank you Joe&2016. Your advices really flip the coin.

Lately, every time she got a chance she will bring the issue that I clicked "LIKE" on another girls on Facebook and she think I was talking to some women. (I normally don't do Facebook but one web site advice to put some fun pictures and add some pretty women on Facebook to bring more attention to my wife. It brought her attention though. However, she really upset about it more than envy.)

She said she didn't feel comfortable when she saw me on Iphone or computer. Hitting "LIKE" on Facebook is nothing compare to what she did with OM. However, I deleted the Facebook account anyway. I don't want her to use it against me. Then she can stop worrying about my issue and focus on herself's.

Today is our 16th year anniversary. I hugged and kissed her before I left to work. I didn't remind her what for though.

***2016, I live 3 hrs away from "C. Grand building" but I don't understand word 'ang moh'ed'. So, I think our country is next to each other. *** Thank you neighbor : )

[joejoe1]

Anative,

Why are you hugging and kissing her? She's in love with OM. So what if it's your anniversary, she stills feel the same way about OM. Don't honor your M during a time like this.

Why are you trying to make her jealous. That makes you look weak, she know you are trying to make her jealous, because now after she has complained you deleted the FB account. Stop trying to make her jealous. If you DB the right way she will become jealous automatically and you won't be faking. GAL and live your life. When she notice you are living an awesome life she will become jealous and not because of any other woman she might think you are with, but because she is losing out on a great person and man(Anative 2.0).

[Anchor]

...one web site advice to put some fun pictures and add some pretty women on Facebook to bring more attention to my wife.

I've learned a lot about relationships in the last year and I feel confident enough now to say this is TERRIBLE advice. It may have been something a 13 year old has written, or someone mentally equivalent to a 13 year old. Who needs this kind of drama? You've definitely done the right thing by removing the account and I would steer clear of trying to make her jealous again.

I get a lot of advice from well meaning friends who say I should start dating and rub it into my WH's face. It's worked for them before. And I can understand why. It brings to the fore a sense of loss when you watch someone move on, even if you don't want to be with them anymore. I've decided against this tactic because I don't want to play games and if WH ever decided to come back, I would want it to be for ME, and not because I messed with his psyche and manipulated his feelings of loss. Because in the latter case it wouldn't be built on a solid foundation.

Those that find ourselves on this forum have had their lives collapse around them, or find themselves in the process of collapsing. In all cases we must rebuild, so let's rebuild on something true, honest and healthy. I think you're starting to do that already, and I am trying to everyday.

[joejoe1]

Anative,

2016 just gave some of the best advice you can get. Everything you do from now on has to be for you and not for your W. You should not try to manipulate back into your life. The foundation has to be solid for you'll relationship to last and if you are playing i'm going to make you jealous game it will weaken your stance. Stand strong for your M by being a man.

You want your W to be with you because she wants to be with you and not because she thinks somebody else wants to be with you.

You have made some huge strides like 2016 has said. Onward and Forward.