New LBS dealing with WW Part 2

[Vanilla]

I am delighted to hear you say that. It's a bumpy ride and realistically you may have to practically as well as literally protect yourself and your children. This will be whatever you do or wherever you go.

You have my full support as well as your tribe here.

Can I make a recommendation?

Your boys need love, hugs and listening to. They need Joe time as a family and one on one. I Internet promise you, your kids are your kids for ALL of your life. Precious, vulnerable and robust all at once. I am reminded of another Joe who came here, whose WW went into the sex trade and who built his life on his family and step kids.

A very special dad whose current happiness knows no bounds with his first step grandchild and whose life overflows with love.

Oh and I did say hugs didn't I? The easiest way is just to say "dad needs a hug right now".

V

[Joe2017]

Thanks V.

I am being as supportive as possible but I also know that in order for my step kid to get what he needs from his mother right now she will have to be snapped back to reality. We will be spending a lot of time away from the house with the holidays now.

I have weeks to basically detach and get my mind right. She can parent her boy or not, but I will not be enabling her party lifestyle right now. It sounds harsh but so is real life. One day he will understand.

I have time on my side. Divorces do not happen overnight, in a few weeks, or even months. If the worst thing possible happens and I end up getting a divorce after all, well. That was going to be the outcome after all.

She has noticed my GAL every step of the way. She has commented very often about it, and I just shrug it off. So the consistency I've shown has been pretty solid.

I know I will win her over one day, probably after I completely detach and stop caring about what she says or thinks or maybe even after I'm over her. We'll see.

She already knows she is making a boneheaded move. She has openly stated that it doesn't make sense at all, but her mind is still made up. She's a really stubborn one by nature, so that's to be expected. She is a lot like a child throwing a tantrum right now so I just have to continue treating her like I did my boys when they were little, and having fits.

Ignore the bullcrap. Let them have a tantrum, but ignore. When they're done with it, then the real work can begin. But never during the tantrum because no matter what you say it will be wrong. I have to detach, ignore, and wait. Otherwise I'm wasting my breath talking.

[Vanilla]

She may not snap back to reality and nothing you can do will do that for her. And there isn't an intervention you can make that will do that.

It is enough to look after you and those precious boys.

I hope I mentioned hugs. Sure I did.

V

[Joe2017]

Very valid point. She has to want to do these things. And I cannot control another person.

The boys get plenty of hugs from me, no worries there.

[Joe2017]

So today I am starting two weeks of no contact with WW. Please wish me luck or pray for our family. This is going to be really tough on me but I think it will give me the space to decide on whether or not I feel like this is worth continuing.

I know it's a marathon and not a sprint, but WW is a sprinter. She's either going to go left or go right, but whichever way she goes, it will be full throttle. I am hoping that we can R but not hopeful, if that makes sense.

At this point I don't know if I want to anymore.

[Holding]

Good luck, Joe!

It's okay to not know what you want.

[Vanilla]

No contact is different from intermittent contact

I have gone NC forever

That means

No texts
No emails
No calls
No Facebook etc
Deleting, blocking and being Schtum


No contact is to protect you not to punish her

It's not to teach her a lesson, to make her miss you, to punish

It's for dignity and self respect

It gets them out of your head and life

For you

It requires a steel will and isn't permanent not two weeks!

Otherwise if you ever want or need NC it feels and looks weak

You don't say I am going no contact

You do it

V

[Joe2017]

V,

Well it is kinda weak because I can only do this for two weeks. I do have to go back to the home when the holidays are over, per my attorney.

It's not punishment, or vindictive thoughts really. I need space. I need to wake up tomorrow and not see her. I need to go to bed and not worry about hearing her car pull up to the house. I need time to think without hearing, seeing, or smelling her.

I don't know what will come of this, but I do know that I am very dedicated to not contacting her during this period. I am so uncertain of the outcome.

I am an emotional train wreck right now but I'm not breaking NC for her to throw me a bone. I'm beginning to see that I might be better off without her.

[Verum]

For many people and many situations NC is not possible, but certainly very little contact is viable. Even when you move back in, you should keep interactions to the minimum.

For your two weeks, I hope you GAL and do stuff.

[Maika]

Complete NC is impossible with kids, unless the WW/WH decides to completely abandon ship - there are sitch's here where that's happened so it's not unheard of.

But, you can get very very close to complete NC/Dark even with kids. I only communicate with W when it's about the kids or finances. Now with being physically separated for a while, the finances are longer something we need to discuss.

The frequency of communicating about the kids also depends - I only communicate about bdays, holidays, the schedule split, if they're hurt, etc etc. But, even with so many things that we could communicate about, it is very rare that I send a message to her.

So, you can have a very high degree of NC even with kids. You don't have to communicate about everything with her. I don't send pics of kids to her and nothing that would look like pursuit.

This strategy has been amazing for my own mental and emotional sanity. It can be done and there are other people here who have also done it - Joseph9 comes to mind right away.