New LBS dealing with WW Part 2

[neffer]

It is torture. But you must get the stength from it.

[Joe2017]

So I am having two trains of thought go through my head right now. If I stay in the house, GAL efforts will be noticed more often but it is very hard to detach that way, and it also gives me more opportunity to mess up The Rules.

However, if I move out I will have peace of mind, full physical separation, and it will be easier to detach. Unfortunately she will no longer see GAL efforts and her noticing the 180 will be stalled. I've made great strides with my 180 so far, and I know it's for ME and not her.

With the way she keeps contacting me throughout the day to ask silly questions, and the fact that I am like a free babysitter for her... I feel like she is getting to have her cake and eat it too. She can go act however with whomever, and I'll be home watching her boy.

The only way to stop that is to be gone from the home. It's the harsh reality of removing me as an option in her life, and I can't think of a way to have her fall on her face while I'm enabling her behavior due to my living arrangements.

Plus I'm so tired of it all. It's exhausting. I need space from her and time to heal while I'm GAL.

[Jim1234]

1. Why are you staying home watching her boy? Go out to a bar and watch the game. Whatever game, doesn't matter. Go to the gym for a late night work out. Go on a date. Go meet a the boys for poker night. It doesn't matter where you go, but YOU ARE ALLOWING yourself to be used. How does it feel? Are you enjoying it? As long as she can continue to treat you like dirt, she will.

2.

SUnfortunately she will no longer see GAL efforts and her noticing the 180 will be stalled.

So what? You say it's for you and not for her, but this statement shows me that's not true. You are still doing it for her.

[Joe2017]

All valid points Jim.

[AnotherStander]

Unfortunately she will no longer see GAL efforts and her noticing the 180 will be stalled. I've made great strides with my 180 so far, and I know it's for ME and not her.

If it's for you then why are you worried she won't see GAL and 180's? A lot of LBS's fear the same thing, but you'd be surprised how stuff gets back to the WAS. Mutual friends, family, kids, they'll all be reporting to her if you don't live together. What you don't want them reporting back is that you are always asking them about her and that you're miserable and suffering. You want them to tell her about how great you look, how happy you seem to be, etc. The former tells her you are still firmly Plan B. The latter makes her wonder what you are up to and worry she may lose you.

She can go act however with whomever, and I'll be home watching her boy.

If you want to get out and do something then find a way. Get a sitter, or ask her to pull her weight. Or if you like sitting because you value the time with your son then keep doing it. The point is YOU are in control, YOU get to choose. You are not a victim, you need to get over that mentality, it's holding you back.

The only way to stop that is to be gone from the home. It's the harsh reality of removing me as an option in her life

Again, you need to decide what YOU want. Leaving the home isn't about giving her a wake-up call. It might do that, or she might immediately move OM in and slap high fives with him over a glass of wine in YOUR home with YOUR son there, right? Ask yourself if your peace of mind is worth that risk. Maybe it is to you, but what I'm saying is you need to base your decisions on what is best for you, not what is the most effective way to "snap her out of it".

Plus I'm so tired of it all. It's exhausting. I need space from her and time to heal while I'm GAL.

THOSE would be valid reasons to leave.

[Holding]

So last night was a turning point for me. I just don't know how to take this.

After I decided not to talk to her all evening, she continued to harass me about everything. Any chance she got, to the point she decided to keep me awake all night by leaving the lights on and talking to me or moving furniture. She started making more accusations, and then would get remorseful.

I did decide to talk for about 5 minutes and she expressed remorse but still accused me of trapping her. I remembered OM, saw this as a trick, and told her that nothing I say will affect the D one way or another. I then said I did not want to talk anymore.

She lost her temper and resumed the disruptive behavior. I ignored it all until she got so tired that she went to sleep.

The whole thing took about 4 hours. It was 4 hours of her trying to regain control of my attention. It would have been really difficult 2 weeks ago, but now that the "rope has been dropped" all I did was sit there and watch her.

Sheesh.

Joe, this sounds so similar to my STBXW. And you're still in the house with her too. I know it's hell. Let me say, if leaving the house is NOT a legal concern for you, then get out. This level of crazy is not healthy.

[Joe2017]

Thanks AS.

So here's an update. I went away from the home again this weekend. Just for two days. I ignored WW the entire weekend. I went to an event without her, and took a friend instead.

When I saw her today, she was immediately jealous of who I went to the event with, and I would not tell her who it was.

She told me that she had an awful weekend and that it's the worst thing she's ever been through. I told her that it sounds like it is a very hard thing for her to deal with, and left it at that. She kept talking and would circle back to how she needed me but I wouldn't answer the phone over the weekend. At no point did I comfort her, I only said that I understand that she is having a difficult time.

She was acting very jealous. And this was only after one weekend.

Moving out seems like it will be a "make it or break it" kind of event.

[MoveFrwd]

With the way she keeps contacting me throughout the day to ask silly questions, and the fact that I am like a free babysitter for her.

How well integrated is your family? I mean, it's weird that youre worried about babysitting her son. Is he not treated as 'your' son also?

In the meantime, why does she get to go out whenever she wants while you are stuck home? Why isnt it a more equitable 50-50 as far as time home watching the kids?

[Vanilla]

OK

A few thoughts

This is YOUR home and she is the wayward one. At all times be safe. OK. If you can get her to leave that's excellent. And yes I moved out to be safe, but the G was so crazy he ran up huge debts and still abused me. Moving out in fact made me less safe, and the G more manipulative. He stole money from my account, deleted info, threatened me, bullied me. And much more drama, anger and abuse. I eventually recorded it and got a non molestation order. And even that hasn't stopped it.

Don't assume that moving out will reduce the bat [censored]. OK? So I recommend a strategy which means determination and not putting yourself at risk. This means not being provoked and not provoking her. The making her jealous strategy won't cut it. The G accused me of having an affair with a 74 year old married Rotation just because SHE had a name which could also be male. Nuts.

If you wish to read a thread with bat [censored] crazy stuff try Schermann thread. Or even Bob. Zues currently on the board didn't have it easy with his ex.

You refer to the children as hers and mine. Her kid, this is your step child, who needs you to be safe and for him to be safe. Children always, always come first. In every situation. When you made an R with this WW part of the deal was her child who sees you as step dad and possibly your child as a sibling. That's a tough gig for any kid be left with a batshit crazy mamma.

How she reacts to your changes and what she thinks of them is her concern. Yours is to do what is needed for you and for the children. Both of them.

Those are my thoughts.

V

[Joe2017]

Ok. This is where I am with this now. I am not going to move out, mostly because I can't guarantee control of my property if I am gone. I am going to just parent both kids to the best of my ability like a single parent again, because they deserve to get that from at least one of us.

I'm just going to GAL, spend weekends away when I feel like it and just do what I want until our attorneys straighten this out.