Awkward Situation Got Much Worse (part 4 )

[Tate]

LH19, the short answer is for some stupid reason, I still love my wife.

The longer answer is, or maybe it is that I do not want to disrupt my kids lives, that I do not want to throw away all I have worked so hard for, that I do not know...but I do know that I have loved my wife for 25 years.

[Tate]

Good or bad, there was massive change today...

My W stormed in the room, yelling at me for washing jeans with some mystical toxic chemical in them (found in all new jeans) with the towels. I simply responded that the chemicals shoukd wash out and the smell (that I cannot even smell) is likely residual. This escalated things, and off it went...getting quickly to the point of her calling me an a$$, telling me that this is why nobody likes me, that thus is why my life is miserable, while I stayed as calm as possible. I responded that I like my life, my friends like me, and I did not think it was appropriate for her to be telling me what to do.

Then things got especially ugly...I decided, probably against good judgement, to ask her not to attend Christmas with my family. She first responded with a well Im going anyway...they want me there. Heres where I might have gone too far...I very calmly let her know that my family should probably know what has been going on between her and my BIL so they would know why she was uninvited.

My wifes response was at first very angry, but then she told me she was planning on filing for divorce this summer, waiting as to not interrupt the kids lives as much.

My response was a solid, I dont think this is best for the kids, but she is free to do what she wants.

As if this wasnt enough, she left the room, only to come back at least 6 more times to do the "and another thing" comments.

The last time she came in, she settled that she should just tell my family we are having a hard time and bow out of the celebrations...and that I was not invited to her familys celebrations for Christmas.

She threatened several times to tell everyone all the aweful things I have done...I am not even sure what she is talking about....my memory truly is aweful...but that is another story.

[Tate]

I responded that I have nothing to hide from anyone.

She used that as an opportunity to degrade me telling me that basically everyone loves her and doesnt care about me...referencing several times how I missed many of her trips out of town without me in the past. ..remember tgat she is constantly out of town.

[joejoe1]

Tate,

Great job. Keep up the hard work. Things will get worst before they get better. She's trying to scare you into submission. Good job not falling for her tactics. You are a great guy, good job letting her know that.

[Tate]

I have set up an appointment with a DB coach just to get her view of whats next.

I also started listening to the last resort technique audio seminar for the second time....I wish Michele offered the BD book in audio format. It is much easier to listen to audio while driving to work than to find time to read the book.

Sorry I just sort of trailed off on the post yesterday...I was literally falling asleep writing it (3am ish).

It is scary how quickly my wife turns bitter over the smallest things. It is hard to tell how much of this is from her lack of sleep vs her hatred of me.

I had knots in my stomach all day...I can deal with the idea of not being with my wife, but then I become painfully sad thinking of what could have been for my kids if we do separate.

So, today, I also purposely did not wear my wedding band and left it out very visibly. I stayed late at work, and came home with some spiked eggnog a coworker made. My wife offered to prep some steak for me for dinner. I turned the offer down and got my own dinner.

[Ginger1]

Tate, right now your kids are seeing you be degraded and disrespectful. This is your current situation right now. Do you think is better than having separate peaceful time?

I honestly don't know why your DB coach is advising you against telling the family. This isn't some OM from out of no where, this is being deceitful to your whole family. It's causing everyone to live a lie.

I think right now detaching and not taking anything from her or giving anything to her (emotionanally and physically) is your best bet.

[Tate]

Ginger1...its a very unique and tough situation. The standard thought is do not involve your family for several reasons: if you get back together, your family may hold a grudge...letting family know angers your spouse...and some others.

In my case, with my BIL involved, family events are basically facilitation two family adulterers.

I am meeting with a coach tomorrow...I will update tomorrow night. 3 separate coaches from the DB program and from another one have advised me not to tell my family.

[MoveFrwd]

Then things got especially ugly...I decided, probably against good judgement, to ask her not to attend Christmas with my family.

You do see how YOU escalated this situation, right?

In my opinion, the thought wasnt bad. I tend to agree with the rest that if shes in some sort of affair with BIL, then she should absolutely not be at your xmas (or any other family thing).

But when you tack this on to the other thing about the laundry, it becomes less about your principles and the A and more about trying to hurt her. MWD writes a lot about timing. I feel like this was terrible timing. If you dont want her at xmas, then fine. But dont bring this up in a setting where you are already heated about whatever else - you already KNOW that she is going to respond poorly.

[Tate]

Kaizen, yes I see how I contributed to the escalation. Timing was poor, but I was already thinking of asking her to not attend...this just pushed me over.

I could probably plot a trend of our interaction roller coaster...we tend to have a huge fight every 6 months...usually followed by a buildup of animosity from my wife. Then, following the fight, we get along great for a month...possibly because both of us have argument remorse. For example, the day after this altercation, my wife offered to make me a steak dinner when I came home after her and the kids had eaten.

[Tate]

Short summary of what transpired from my coaching session...

I need to do less of everything. My wife takes advantage of me, and she needs to see how much I do for her. This also includes less interaction with her and less cleaning up of her messes both literally and figuratively.

I need to make decisions based on what is fair and reasonable for me to do as a room mate. This will push my W to pull her weight and be considerate of me.

I need to continue to do what is best for the kids and myself, regardless of how it affects my W. Enjoying time with the kids, etc. The recommendation was to tell my W that it might be best for her to attend my familys Christmas for the sake of the kids.

The coach suspects my W is depressed based on how she operates day to day. I have had a local counselor conclude the same.

I will try to keep posting throughout the holidays.